Two words that will destroy any relationship

I remain slightly cynical of couple’s counseling. Which is surprising when you consider half my marriage was spent soaking in its waters; but for the life of me I can’t think of a single nugget of wisdom derived from all those hours on the couch. I’m not entirely hostile to this form of therapy, I’m sure many marriages have been saved through its intervention, I just don’t know of one. And I believe the primary reason for this is by the time most couples get around to seeking help the damage has already been irreversibly done.

Like the overwhelming majority of men, when my ex first suggested we get our own help, I nixed the thought of another sniffing our dirty laundry. I was a management major and had completed our company’s management training program, ergo I was rigorously prepared to fix any problem and especially that of a trifling marital concern. I certainly didn’t need a ‘professional’, for a fee mind you, doing so on our behalf.

"We availed ourselves of the two words that when blended produce the elixir of death for virtually any relationship."

I think you can accurately predict the outcome of any therapy session by the mood with which the patient arrives to the appointment. Like a child kicking and screaming on the first day of kindergarten, I had convinced myself this was going to be the longest hour of my life and a ghastly impediment to the enjoyment of my future Sunday afternoons. Considering the final outcome it’s hard to argue with my prophecy.

Of my several gripes the biggest has to do with the competitiveness innate in couple’s therapy. Yet this isn’t altogether surprising, after all two people who often would rather murder each other are in many ways attempting to demonstrate their marital righteousness like two attorney’s standing in front of a judge and jury hoping verdict is rendered in their favor. If she can get the therapist rallying to her cause she can finally prove that he is a jerk for leaving the toilet seat up and as such is guilty for their marriage falling apart.

I experienced this firsthand at our initial session. As she and I took turns presenting our laundry list of reasons why the marriage sucked and putting all the blame at the feet of each other we soon realized that if one was going to gain an upper hand drastic measures must be taken. In so doing, we availed ourselves of the two words that when blended produce the elixir of death for virtually any relationship.

Most of us blindly underestimate the power of our words. Words can miraculously uplift or they can utterly destroy and like Pandora’s box are impossible to return once set free. A relationship begins with mere words, ‘hi’, ‘would you like to go out for coffee?’, and they end in much the same way ‘I never want to see you again, ‘Why did I marry you?’.

Relationships will live – and they will die – by what we say.

After I met the Queen and knew we had the potential for something special, I made a solemn promise to myself that was unlike anything I had ever pledged in relationships before. It was a vow I knew if broken would signal the death knell for our future, though less earth shattering than other pledges it proved to be all the more honorable. I made the decision early on to avoid using those two words I had employed so many Sunday afternoons on that couch. Two words I knew from experience were like match and kindling capable of setting ablaze any relationship. By themselves they are inconsequential, but when said in conjunction they resonate with deathly venom and a deep seeded maliciousness.

You never…

The first - you – is designed to separate, single out, and take aim. In the context of a relationship, the word takes the notion of unity and togetherness and tosses it on its head. Used to indict, the word demands walls be erected, defenses be readied, and sides be taken; it draws a line and digs a wide chasm between the couple.

The second word – never – is absolute and biased and says scores are being taken and wrongdoings are always tallied. It sends the message that grace isn’t free and forgiveness isn’t cheap. Use of the word suddenly makes the relationship conditional placing on it qualifiers where before there were none.

When used in tandem with any form of relationship faux pas such as, “you never talk to me”, “you never want sex”, “you never satisfy my needs”, the words serve to draw comparisons while showing insensitivity, selfishness, and a reluctance to see the others point of view. Everything a relationship needs to fail.

There were countless Sunday’s in that therapist’s office where she and I attempted to justify our sentiment by condemning the other for what we perceived as each’s greatest shortcomings. But in the end such brazen criticism only proved to further alienate one another and drive us farther away from any desire to make things work. It’s through those experiences that I can now tell the path a relationship is likely on by how they find fault with each other. When the condemnation only centers on the extremes, it’s a strong signal that person is or has closed himself off to even a possibility for the other to change. If all I can concentrate on is what the Queen doesn’t, how can I ever begin to appreciate what she does?

By eliminating those two words from our relationship vocabulary, we are left no choice but to reconsider our initial approach and tackle the issue at hand from a far more inclusive point of reference. By eliminating you we acknowledge some amount of responsibility and getting rid of never erases any perceived prejudice.

After all these years, I’m convinced it’s one of the simplest yet most effective ways to improve communication between couples. When our words are spoken from a place of peace and surrender instead of attack and counter attack we quickly discover we are listened to more intently and understood more respectfully. And as far as I’m concerned those are never bad things.

Everyone is different

"We could all learn from crayons: Some are sharp, some have weird names, they are all different colors, but they all have to learn to live in the same box."

Feminism, safe sex, and the male ego

In all of God’s creation there is nothing more delicate than the human male ego. With the fortitude of a snowflake, a mere touch of criticism or breeze of rejection and his entire emotional foundation melts into a puddle under his feet.

This insight isn’t novel; women have known and used that detail to their advantage for centuries. Cleopatra played Julius Caesar and Marc Antony like a Vegas stripper does balding middle-aged plumbing supply salesmen from Omaha – with her own place in history to prove it. Yet despite this age-old wisdom I’m surprised at how often women are tripped up by men’s behavior when many of their peculiarities are a direct result of that simple truth.

Regrettably, there are few female bloggers I follow regularly, but those I do I do for good reason. One of my favorites – Marrie from Dirty In Public – published a post recently that sparked my consideration. In summary the anxiety she sets forth is an lament for why single women are branded with a veritable scarlet letter for carrying their own condoms?

“A chick carrying a condom is thought to be “notorious.” Unbelievable that in 2013, a woman choosing to take control of her health can be considered a bad slut”.

It’s a question that deserves our attention. We’ve long moved beyond the worn out excuse made infamous by deadbeat fathers everywhere in their attempts to avoid safe sex - “I forgot them”. And seeing as over 30% of children today are born to single mothers, any notion that men bear ultimate responsibility for providing these necessary accouterments should clearly be reconsidered. So this implies the question, if men are too irresponsible or simply refuse to hold fast to their end of the sexual bargain what is a single woman to do? Well, in the final analysis she’s left with two choices, don the latest style chastity belt or become a resident prophylactic pundit.

There is this rather insidious perception among women that men are born with an aversion to commitment in general and marriage in particular. This, in part, is driven by two things; an increasingly cliché dependent Hollywood who can’t seem to move beyond the movie rut of guy finds girl – guy loses girl (for said evasiveness) – guy spends the rest of the movie winning girl back (by trying to prove he can commit). And the other reason is how bitter mothers, whose Disneyland dreams never fully materialized, have used their daughters as a provisional therapist and in so doing jaded the poor girl’s perceptions of men virtually beyond repair.

I can say emphatically that this belief could not be farther from the truth. When a boy finally sees girls as the preferable option to running over frogs with his bicycle he doesn’t imagine his future as an emotionally unavailable man priding himself on remaining ‘untied’ and choosing one dalliance after the next in a state of perpetual wretchedness. Much like the new object of the boy’s attention, he too has visions of white picket fences, SUV’s, mortgage payments, kids, and a life with the young girl who will one day blossom into his beautiful loving bride.

Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
And amid all these rainbows and butterflies it’s the girl who stands at the foreground. She is the cement that holds the rest of his dreams together; the woman who will contain all of the qualities he imagines – no matter how romantic and unrealistic they may be. And among his candy cane wishes for the perfect wife and mother to his children is one trait that he intrinsically understands but can’t quite explain – her sexual innocence – that he is her only one.

No boy dreams of marrying the girl who once did the entire secondary of the varsity football team.

It was with this in mind that I commented on Marrie’s article,

“Yes, this is 2013 and yes sex between strangers is as spontaneous as a kegger in a fraternity house. But for all the modernity of our society, men intrinsically still want to believe that he is her only one, even while he knows it may likely be a one night stand. His appall at a woman bringing out the condom has nothing to do with a belief that she is notorious and everything to do with his insecurity. Her initiative is a reminder that he isn’t her first and will likely not be her last and that’s a crush to the most fragile thing God created – his ego.”

Feminism brought with it a greater awareness to women’s sexuality. No longer was sex viewed as merely a one-player sport, instead it allowed women to take charge of their own sexual nature and gave them the freedom to explore it without fear of having letters embroidered on their blouse. Casual sex finally became an all-skate.

And while feminism has advanced the cause of promiscuity among women old habits are still hard to break. Because while the cute guy you met at the club happily appreciates that you’ve enthusiastically embraced this new sexual equality while driving you back to his place he is nonetheless shocked, confused, and dismayed at how you are so thoroughly prepared for the after party.

And I think the reason for this goes back to men’s egos and their childhood dreams. What you see as responsibility – taking control of your own sexuality and sexual health by having said condom at the ready – he sees as calculated professionalism. Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.

You just impaled his self-image with your 6-inch pumps. Why? Because getting you home is far more about the conquest of you than it is having sex with you. It’s a far greater confidence boost to talk the church volunteer into bed who ‘normally doesn’t do this kind of thing’ than it is the woman who seems to make it a weekly habit. Your preparedness crushes all notions that he may have been your only one. Not to mention it squashes every delusion of grandeur he had of being the supreme ladies’ man, par excellence. Your military-like readiness reminds him that he really isn’t that special – just lucky.

The hypocrisy with all this is mind blowing – I totally understand that. And the fact that he is unable to see beyond that hypocrisy makes it even worse. But that doesn’t make his perception any less your reality at that moment or long after he’s left and told all his friends about you. And the sad fact is this, I’m not sure any of it is going to change because no matter how far feminism advances equality among the sexes be it jobs, politics, or the bedroom, when it comes to the condoms - it’s still a man’s world.

Parenting like nobody is watching

                       
As a boy I was mesmerized by what could be done with a handful of dominoes. Not for their original purpose, I still have no clue how the real game is played. My fascination instead came in the way magicians and other conjurers using hundreds or thousands of them could create complex geometric shapes full of colors and strange patterns.

I was no more than ten years old when a PBS station documentary featured a long forgotten illusionist as he constructed a masterpiece with over ten thousands dominoes set to resemble the Statue of Liberty. The program reported the painstaking detail and effort that went into his preparation aligning one domino strategically beside the next, piece by piece, line by line, hour by hour remaining ever conscious of how one misstep could erase his hours of work in a matter of seconds or how one misplaced domino could bring the finale to an immediate halt.

My favorite part was right before the artist turned his imagination into reality. With the pieces laid out, the anticipation ran high as his gentle nudge set into motion an arranged spectacle of clicks that brought his design to life.

This trivial event has remained in my conscious for its symbolism. Propelled forward by the one adjacent to it those dominoes have come to represent the potential behind a single human act.

Not long ago I read an article from a woman defending her open marriage and touting its benefits. Her distorted interpretation of marital fidelity didn’t shock me near as much as her declaration of being a mother of two pre-school aged children. As I read her arguments for how open marriages were far superior alternatives to conventional matrimony, I couldn’t help but wonder how she juxtaposed her stance on commitment with the understanding of her responsibilities as a parent.

Of all the duties fatherhood demands of me, I feel the most important is preparing my children for adulthood. Loving them is paramount, protecting them is natural, but modeling the behaviors that will serve them throughout life and help to shape their futures is my overarching mission. And as my children have become older I’ve began to realize one important principle towards achieving this goal – what I say isn’t nearly as important as what I do. Because they are children doesn’t negate the fact that, like all of us, they pay more attention to my actions. Talk is cheap is a lesson learned at an early age.

Yet one of the greatest delusions I now witness among parents is the belief, in fact the conviction, that kids don’t pay attention and it would’t matter if they did because parents aren’t accountable to their kids for their actions.

That was all I could think about as I read how this mother and wife gladly walked her husband to the door for his date night with another woman while she stayed home to take care of their children. I couldn’t help but wonder how she rationalized this against her motherly instincts and how would she eventually explain to their children why mommy and daddy don’t come home some nights. While an extreme example it is no less representative of many parents albeit on a less questionable yet just as damaging moral scale whether that be alcohol abuse, drug use, infidelity, pornography, or any other on the laundry list of behaviors most parents would immediately condemn their children for participating in at any age.

The justification I most often observe when it comes to these questionable behaviors and their role as a parent is the argument that “I’m an adult and they are children and I have gained the right to do things they can’t”. And though this may sound logical on the surface it altogether discounts real life and frankly assumes children in general are morons.

My daughter is eight and already she has the insight to call me out when she observes me acting the hypocrite – she’s eight! At ten I’ve noticed behaviors in my older daughter similar to mine yet we’ve never talked about them. This has forced me to concede what so many parents before me already understand – our kids are watching us and they’re also taking notes. It’s because of this I must constantly remind myself, like those dominoes, that my actions can and do have consequences on my children.

One of the primary motivators that led me to finally break my pornography addiction was my son. Having struggled with the shame and guilt, I never wanted him to experience that same humiliation. But the more I thought on it, as his father, how I could I lead him down a better path if I was still on the one I was trying to keep him away from? How could I be the father he needed while I being crushed by my own deceit? How would he ever hear me over the sound of my own hypocrisy?

I’m thoroughly convinced that parents will be held accountable for their actions if not with their children’s words it will be with their children’s deeds. The parent who abuses alcohol shouldn’t be surprised when their child does the same; the mother whose most pressing concern is looking younger shouldn’t be shocked when her teenage daughter suddenly equates her own self worth to how she looks. When we parent like no one is watching we invariably leave it up to our children to discern the difference. We fail to recognize that if our children see mom and dad doing what we tell them they should because we are ‘mature’ they will still assume it must be all right for them too. When we parent in such a way we leave it up to our children to determine right from wrong allowing them to set the direction on their own morality GPS.

From all this experience and observation I’ve discovered that the more transparent I can be with my children – in word and deed – the better parent I will ultimately be because I’m able to father without feelings of guilt at keeping secrets or hiding behind the shame of hypocrisy. I must remember the domino because the fact remains any one of my actions might be the very one that propels my children’s lives forward in a direction I never intended.

Addicted to Starbucks

Untitled, a photo by benjamin_valadez on Flickr.

Starbucks should be classified as a narcotic...

What Joseph of Nazareth can teach us about being a man

The infancy narrative, the birth of Jesus Christ, is one of the most widely known and beloved historic accounts in all of human history. In the days to come, countless children will perform its reenactment and clergy will reaffirm its significance the world over. While their place in our story of redemption can’t be overstated, another importance of the holy family as they are referred, Jesus, his mother Mary and earthly father Joseph is their embodiment of what we should all aim for in our relationships, our faith, and ourselves. The nativity is one of human courage, unwavering faith, and sacrificial love; and though the record naturally centers on Jesus and his mother Mary, Joseph occupies an important albeit secondary role.

Convulsions of Conscience

There are events which occur in life where the contemplation around their true meaning is enough leave our consciences in a state of upheaval. The accounts of heroism and bravery amid the tragedy of 9/11 come immediately to mind. The numerous actions of rescue personnel and random citizens who sacrificed their own lives to save those of complete strangers force me to ask if I have even a fraction of that courage and self sacrifice.

Then too I try and envision the victims trapped in those burning buildings as they came to grips with the hopelessness of their circumstances and the reality they faced – remain trapped or jump. With both means producing the same certain
end, how did they rationalize one over the other? What went through their minds as they settled on an answer? Were they horrified as the inevitable approached or did they face the end calm and resolute?

As I think on these things I’m left with no alternative but to ask myself ‘What would I have done?’ and then question my very character as a man when I am disappointed in the answer I receive. Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be.

Over a decade later I still shutter at those thoughts, yet I believe it’s an important soul cleansing exercise. To begin with it chips away at my callous heart beaten numb by this flippant world where death and loss lead every newscast. Second, I’m driven to a new appreciation for my current well being when our land of milk and honey allows us to take it all for granted. And third, it immediately shuts down any criticism I may have as my arrogance and self-righteousness whither in the shadow of this convulsion of conscience.

Late last week another tragic event had a similar effect and reminded me again of that great divide within me. The incident involved a homeless man charged and finally arrested for purposefully pushing a fellow pedestrian off the platform on the 49th train station in New York City. This is said to be a New Yorker’s worst nightmare and I’ve been in enough train stations to understand why. The 58-year-old Ki Suck Han struggled by some estimates for 1-2 minutes trying to climb back off the tracks before succumbing to the onrushing train and later dying at the hospital.

Murder in and of itself is so recurrent in our culture it’s barely considered newsworthy anymore and this is especially so in the city that never sleeps, however Mr. Han’s death reinvigorated a discussion, in the most unpredictable of ways, of what I consider an even greater injustice.

Once readers’ move beyond those shocking words, the image in the background is sufficient to take the breath away. In a world of Photoshop and special effects where reality is repeatedly called into question this image garners an altogether different reaction. In light of the corresponding story one question quickly surfaces in the minds of most “Why didn’t the photographer help the man!?”

"Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be."

As legitimate as that question may be, what’s just as distressing is that no other passenger seemed bothered to aid Mr. Han either – there’s no one else in the picture. At this point it would be easy to throw stones questioning the humanity of everyone on that platform – why did they not bother to help him? But when I consider what I might have done had I been there to witness this tragic event my conscience leads me to throw the stones on the ground.

Most of us have this false notion that we’re more gallant and altruistic than we really are. As we sit nestled in our protective cocoons we find it easy to cast doubt on the morality of each of those passengers who watched this man die. We quickly question their goodness all the while failing to give full consideration to the goodness or lack thereof within our own hearts.

Where this misconception comes from I don’t know. Maybe intent is what really matters. Is my desire to help all that’s needed to be courageous? Or because I’ve assisted a few stranded motorists’ jump start their cars does that imply I’m noble and brave? Unfortunately this means little after I stop to consider what my first reaction may been on that fateful day.

Would I have instinctively rushed to assist with no afterthought to the personal risks? Would I have thrown myself into certain harm’s way to help a stranger in need? Or would I have assumed, like I usually do when someone’s stranded on the roadside, that help is already on the way and they don’t need mine? Or presume that they were vicious serial killers bent on finding their next victim and then feel proud of myself that I’m so sensible?

Sadly I’m compelled to admit that I would likely have done little more than the photographer or his fellow passengers. I want to say that I would have jeopardized my own life for the the sake of his, but I can’t. I’m still living in the gap of who I am and who I want to be and what honor I may possess doesn’t eclipse my fears or the selfish belief that I’m vastly more important alive than a man facing death on the train tracks. I would have likely stood there in stunned amazement watching that train bear down on him. And much like the others spent the rest of my life medicating the guilt convincing myself there was nothing I could have done.

My heart goes out to the family of Mr. Sun and their tragic loss. But I can’t help but feel more pity for the others in that station – those who chose do to nothing. Do they question their own humanity? Are they depressed, ashamed, or angry? And if given a second chance would they acted differently? Only God knows what their souls must be struggling with today as they deal with these questions.

We all live in the space between who we are and who we claim to be, for some that expanse is larger than others, and not a one of us, starting with myself, can say with any shred of honesty what we would have done had we been there. So before I call into question the dignity of those who did nothing, it’s best I search within my own heart for the answer ‘What would I have done?’ – then pray that I never have the opportunity to find out.

Microwave Love: Why relationships are so hard

My parents bought our first microwave oven when I was in junior high school in the mid-70’s. The size of a compact car, this contraption took up one side of our kitchen counter tops. I believe my mom and dad debated for months on whether they would buy it, in those days a microwave was not cheap like they are today, but I think what closed the deal was one predominate factor – my mom wanted to cook bacon in it.

Along with the microwave they bought a special microwave-safe grease catching bacon cooker. Simply, it was a dish that allowed her to cook the bacon while the grease drained into a lower tray. In about two minutes per slice we had perfectly crisp deliciousness with 98% of the normal artery clogging cholesterol. My mother was ecstatic!

Our family would never be the same again. This one kitchen utensil became the epitome of effortless carefree living and from that moment on any item we bought was not only judged for its value but more importantly how much easier it would make our lives.

I have a fascination with human nature; in other words understanding the why behind what we, as humans, do. Why do we make the choices we make, what motivates one person towards this direction while another goes in the opposite? And my preoccupation with this how, what, and why lies particularly in the area of romantic relationships. Why do some relationships succeed while so many others fail, is marriage circling the drain, and why do people cheat? I’m told I should have been a Psychologist, yet there’s the whole schooling thing and I can think of many things I’d rather do with eight years of my life.

So my alternative – write a blog.

On a recent episode of He Said She Said, the host mentioned how many of her divorced clients bemoan that ‘relationships are so hard now!?!’ It’s a question I find intriguing. We live at a time where more is known about the dynamics of human relationships than any other, we have more research, more experts, and more knowledge about how people interact with each other and especially in romantic relationships and marriage. Every year thousands of books are written promising to improve our love lives, yet for all of this wisdom it seems we’re still no better at making romantic relationships last. Sure we can get into them but we can’t find a way to stay there. A man can go to the moon but he can’t seem to stay happily married.

We may be able to put a man on the moon but can’t seem to keep him and his wife happily married.

When we consider the question ‘why are relationships so hard today?’ The first thing I wonder, is that even the right question to ask? I’m not so sure it is. Here’s what I mean, earlier this year I took a graduate level Quantitative Reasoning class. The name alone makes me fall into the fetal position. From the moment I saw the professor’s agenda I absolutely freaked. While I like numbers, I don’t like them that much and I was worried sick at how hard the class was going to be. But seeing as I had no choice if I ever hoped to graduate, I manned up and braced myself for what was to come. Because I knew the class was going to be difficult, I prepared harder, asked more questions, and spent more time studying for the final. I took nothing for granted. And when it was all over and the grades were released not only did I do well I aced the class.

Was I better at math than I thought? Did I suddenly get smarter? Or was it the fact that I worked harder, because of that expectation that the class would be difficult? Would I have fared the same if I had asked the question ‘why is Quantitative Reasoning so hard now?!?’

Here’s where I’m going with this. On a daily basis we are bombarded with products and services that promise will make our lives easy. We have phones apps for every conceivable life situation, dry cleaners will deliver laundry to your front door, and computers allow us to live ordinary lives without ever leaving our homes. Everything is designed for and catered to meet our ever-growing demand for ease and comfort. And much like my family and that microwave we have grown use to it. So much so, I’ve convinced that not only do we judge the value of things by their perceived ease and convenience; I think we now do the same with those around us.

Almost subconsciously, we’ve come to believe, even require, that our relationships be just as effortless as our phone app or my mother’s microwave. How do I know this? The question itself provides the answer. By asking ‘Why are relationships so hard?!?’ it supposes that relationships should, at some level, be easy. If I were to ask you ‘why did it rain today?’ aren’t I assuming or at the least hoping that it shouldn’t have rained? I believe it’s an important point that must be considered. Because here’s the real heart of the matter, if I have the mistaken belief that a good relationship should be somehow easy, don’t I feel a bit more justified in walking away when it starts getting difficult?

The Queen and I have an amazing relationship, better than anything I have ever had. Yet when people ask why it’s so good they are usually stumped by the answer. Our relationship isn’t awesome because the stars aligned putting together two people who are perfect for each other; instead we have a great relationship because we constantly work at it. We don’t expect our relationship to be easy and because of that must work, prepare, and plan more. When other couples have delusions that their relationship should be at a level where hard work is no longer necessary, we’re still doing many of the things that has gotten us where we are today.

And we also realize that just because we must work hard it doesn’t imply the relationship is falling over the cliff. We don’t buy into the popular notion that the moment a relationship becomes hard it must be over. We can’t feel that way because there’s little chance that two divorced parents with one child will have it all magically fall into place. We not only recognize it’s hard now, we fully anticipate it to be just as hard, if not more so, later, forcing us to keep at it.

But that shouldn’t be viewed as a pessimistic outlook on things. The truth of the matter is this, as soon as we expect our relationship to be easy that will be the very same moment we stop putting forth the extra effort. And should that ever happen the Queen and I will find ourselves standing amid the ruin, like so many others, of what once upon a time had been something great.