One positive thing about becoming Paris Hilton would be that I’d never have to go to Wal-Mart. But, if for some strange reason I did become Paris Hilton, I’d have to say I’d gladly go to Wal-Mart in exchange for a brain and/or the removal of all the venereal diseases I have swimming around in my reproductive system.
Regardless… Wal-Mart is a strange place. While I understand it’s a “monopoly” of sorts I cannot ignore the fact that their oatmeal is twenty cents cheaper than Homeland’s, their canned mandarin oranges are ten cents cheaper than Target’s, their adult diapers are almost a dollar cheaper than Geriatric World’s and their fertility testing is almost a thousand bucks cheaper than the local hospital’s!
Although, low prices don’t always tend to attract financially saavy individuals hell bent on saving money for retirement… they also attract some of the weirdest damn freaks you've ever seen!
Case in point:
I myself fell victim to a Wal-Mart troll about a week ago… although it wasn’t so much what I saw than what I heard.
Allow me to explain…
Bre and I had just turned the corner of the bread aisle because we were looking for some tortillas to make chicken enchiladas for some friends that particular evening. A quick glance down the aisle revealed I was sharing it with one other man. He was an older gentleman carrying a food basket. He sported a very trailer-trashy ensemble with a long trench coat, flowing greasy hair and combat boots. This indeed really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Wal-Martbut as we closed in on crossing paths I noticed he was talking on the phone in very hushed tones. I’m not one to really try to listen in on other people’s conversations but as we passed I couldn’t help but catch what he was saying in very forceful tones:
“I’m sticking my tongue in your mouth and I’m swirling it all around all in your mouth. Oh. It feels so good…..”
Needless to say I was slightly taken aback… yet strangely intrigued by this multi-talented man who could apparently shop for bread while deeply engrossing himself in such an emotional phone call. I don’t stare at people EVER… but this just wasn’t any old people. This was perhaps one of the weirder things I hope to ever see at a Wal-Mart.
So, I positioned myself amongst the wheat breads in such a way where I could keep an eye on this guy and see if I could hear anything else he was saying.
I didn’t have to wait long.
As he continued strolling amongst the breads he stopped and began slapping his hands together right next to the receiver of his telephone while saying, “… And I’m spanking your ass so hard! Oh, and you like it! Oh yeah, c’mon baby!”
For as quickly as I was intrigued by this dude… I was just as quickly completely disgusted and felt a bit like vomiting on the english muffins.
I tucked tail and got out of that aisle as fast as I could lest I contract some airborne “freak-weirdo” virus and feel inclined to conduct a phone sex call in Wal-Mart or something.
While it could have been any number of scenarios, I believe he was more than likely a phone sex-operator on the phone with “a client”… or he was just a complete freak getting his rocks off on a phone-sex call! I’m not one to judge (okay maybe I am), but isn’t there a better place to conduct such a phone call than in the bread aisle at Wal-Mart?
I felt a little less queasy once I came home and took a shower to wash all the heebie-jeebies off.
———————————————————————
I wanna hear good stories from you all on some of the weirdness you’ve seen at Wal-Mart. C’mon… gimme somethin’ good!
I was watching the Raiders game on Sunday morning, when it went to commercial. It looked like I was in someone’s house and I noticed the front door was open. Suddenly, Without any warning. The mailman came leaping in the door and proceeded to dance like a fairy on PCP. I sat there with my mouth open as I watched this guy completely make an ass of himself.
The only thing I took from that commercial is that Dish Network thinks it’s OK for the mailman to waltz into your castle and act like a dick. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only stupid thing I saw this weekend. My TV was filled with funny moments that weren’t supposed to be funny.
Beginning Saturday with the Arkansas football game on CBS, I heard a lot of interesting comments made by the announcers. Brent Musburger (Saturday night) and Solomon Wilcots (Sunday morning) both said things which indicated they were coming out on air. What did they say? I’ll get to that in a moment. I know commercials exist to inform us of something or to get us to shell out our hard earned cash for their shiz. I totally get that, but I don’t think it’s too big a deal to get things grammatically correct.
A commercial for the NCAA had a guy saying, “Team is plural.” Uh….no it’s not. It’s singular. “Teams” is plural. Now, I know the point they were trying to make, but is, “A team is a family,” really too difficult for the actor to remember? If so, he may not be the right guy for the gig. Whoever wrote that line and approved it needs to be fired and sent back to third grade English. Seriously. “Team is plural?” I’m giving the commercial a D+.
Early in the first quarter of the Arkansas v Mississippi State game, a commercial appeared on my screen. It was the T-Mobile chick and she was with some elf dude. The elf called her, “Naughty” and the first thing that went through my mind was, “I bet you wish she was naughty. She’s probably the first tall chick you’ve seen in years. Whatcha gonna do? Whip up some of your special ‘nog for her?” I reminded myself that everything didn’t have to be about sex and the very next commercial easily put the T-Mobile hottie out of my mind.
The next commercial showed an old lady hocking Depends. Yeah. Adult diapers. I have no clue what she said at the end of the spot, because once I realized what it was for, I kept watching her body language and facial expressions to see if she was relieving herself while she filmed the commercial. I don’t think so, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn she wet herself. At this point, you probably think I’m a dick for making fun of incontinent adults. I’m not making fun of the problem, just the commercial. If I’m ever in adult diapers, you have my permission to mock me constantly.
Shortly after halftime, I was treated to a lesson in feminine hygiene. Apparently, Stayfree maxipads wik away moisture. I did not know that. I guess I’m gonna go ahead and ask the obvious question. “Where does it wik to?” Am I to understand that a woman’s period blood will somehow dissipate into the atmosphere if only she sticks a Stayfree maxi pad between her legs? My daughter is 14. This is stuff I need to know.
I guess CBS was calling this their “Chick commercial break” because the next ad was for some medicine a doctor can prescribe to make wrinkles go away. I knew I could believe what they were saying because of the caption at the bottom of the screen. “NOT ACTUAL USERS”, is what it said. Is their snake oil so crappy that they can’t even find four women who look decent after using it? Probably not. To tell the truth, the actresses all looked a little rough. Oh well.
Finally it was time for USC and Oregon. As I watched the opening, I wondered aloud (even though I was alone) why Brent Musburger wasn’t wearing a bib. “Dude is blowing USC big time,” I noted. Musburger couldn’t understand how anyone would think #4 Oregon could actually beat USC, (unranked in the BCS because Pete Carroll is a pussy who cheated, then ran to the NFL, but #18 in the AP poll). Brent needed the bib because at the rate he was going, the whole team would erupt shortly before halftime.
Musburger donned his cardinal and gold knee pads and slurped away as he told America how Matt Barklay was the next great NFL quarterback and how Lane Kiffin was an offensive genius. Of course his dad, Monty Kiffin is the greatest defensive mind in the game today. Watching it made me want to take a shower. I felt that dirty.
Somehow, color analyst Kirk Herbstreit was able to interrupt the orgy and uttered the first funny line. Of one of the Oregon players, Herbie said he, “Weighs 195 and has a low center of gravity.” I looked at the kid and laughed out loud. Yeah. He probably does weigh 195 and has a low center of gravity. That’s because he’s short and fat. Nice phrasing Kirk. Seriously. I’m gonna use that line sometime.
I tossed a couple pistachios in my mouth and almost choked on them because of what Musburger said next. He told everyone watching that the running back was, “swallowed” by the cornerback. I swear to God. That was my first clue that Brent may be coming out on air, but i was still willing to give the veteran broadcaster the benefit of the doubt. It was hard to cut him some slack, because he spent the rest of the first half saying things like, “The receiver was swallowed on the play.” Also, “Here’s Kenyon Marner to give him a blow.” A hummer? really? What exactly is the penalty for that? I would think 15 yards and automatic first down, but I’m not sure.
Sunday morning I turned on the Raiders and swore out loud as the Silver and Black took stupid penalty after stupid penalty. My favorite moment was when Michael Huff clotheslined Percy Harvin and evaded the flag. Nicely done, bro. Al would be proud.
Near the end of the first quarter I watched as some guy walked out of the grocery store with a paper bag, not a reusable one (I thought Honda was all about going green). Dude also had a gallon of milk, which he dropped once his van caught fire. He pressed his remote and suddenly the whole thing turned into a black light 70′s metal thing, complete with a black panther, rocker with long hair and a headband, plus Godzilla breathing fire on the DVD entertainment system. “The van beckons like no van before,” said the announcer in a very creepy voice.
As soon as I heard the phrase, “The van beckons” I immediately pictured a black panel van (owned by a rapist, of course) sitting in a dark alley. I don’t think, “This is the perfect vehicle to haul my kids around in.” Sorry Honda, but you might want to rethink that spot. After that I tweeted: “When did Honda become the official van of child molesters?”
As he half came to a close, I heard Solomon Wilcots say, “I love me some John Kuhn.” I bet you do, Solomon. And now everyone who watched the game knows it too. I’m not sure how often those two get to hook up, but I think it’s nice that CBS lets Wilcots call Kuhn’s games.
Finally, I close this out with something that’s funny because of what was said, but also the fact that the player had no clue that what he said was stupid. We were told this guy was cut by the Lions last offseason, but was recently re-signed by the team and he played today. When asked why he thought the Lions signed him, the genius had this to say.
“Well, if you have talent and you’re available, you’ll play. If you’re not available, you won’t.” Wow. I wonder when (if ever) he’ll realize that he said the only reason he’s on the Lions is because he was available to play. My guess is the 12th of Never. Anyone want to take that bet?
I’ll be straight with you. When I saw Van Wilder jacking off a dog, I never imagined the ring would choose him. That was some sick shit.
It’s probably obvious from the caption above that I just saw Green Lantern starring Van Wilder hisself, Mr. Ryan Reynolds. Friday late afternoon, I’m chillin in my
writing space
hovel, when I remembered I have two promo codes from Redbox. I hopped on the computer, located the flick at a partially-convenient location outside a nearby Walgreens, and boom. Ten minutes later it was wham, bam, thank you Redbox.
I returned home where I took Shadow (Our dog) out to do her biz. After leaving the present for my daughter, I poured a bowl of Fritos and grabbed the chipotle salsa. After that it was time to settle back in my chair and press play.
Please don’t judge me for my choice of snack. My selection was limited to Pop Corn and a half bottle of water. The Fritos was unopened and thus had the most to offer the situation. For the record, Drama Queen is in the mountains with her mom. It’s just me, the dog, Fritos and a 1/2 bag of pop corn, no ice and no Diet Coke..
Here’s my first question. There may be more, but I’m not sure. I’m using the force with this blog post and letting The Big Kahuna guide me. Aloha everyone.
I’m not a huge Tim Robbins fan, so when I saw him get sucked into that black, firey cloud guy, I was all, “Hell yeah!” Does that make me an ass? I mean, it’s only a character and not the real Tim Robbins, so it’s probably OK that I found pleasure in his demise.
I think the next movie should be Hal Jordan with the red dude, the pug on steroids and the fish. They look like a ragtag bunch and lets face it, who doesn’t like a ragtag bunch. These four have the power to be bigger and better than Hellboy and his crew, so they need a cool name. Hal Jordan and His Merry Men sounds kind of, uh, you know. I would go with the Green Team, but that sounds too environmental. Whatever. It’s not my problem.
The girl who played his squeeze was pretty cute too. I’m not sure who she is, but she’s definitely worth saving. At this point you’re probably asking yourself why I said I wasn’t sure who she is. Yeah, I could Google, “Green Lantern cast,” but frankly, I’m lazy and don’t feel like taking my hands off the keyboard to use the track pad. You probably feel let down at my sloth, and for that I apologize. I promise to try and make it up to you.
As Hal Jordan was getting his ass kicked by the pug and the red dude, I began realizing that I’m a lot like Hal Jordan. On the inside. On the outside he blows me away, plus he has a killer job and a lot of cash. Hal Jordan’s life was a show. He pretended to be fearless, but his peeps saw through it.
I’m scared. A lot. Scared for my health. Scared that I’m not raising my daughter the best way. Scared that one night a skunk will wander into my hovel and unload on my bed. But most of all, I’m afraid that I will be a success. How fucked up is that?
BTW, I cannot believe that I’m somehow turning this into a sentimental, inspirational thing. That wasn’t my intent at the outset. You have my apologies. Considering the bottle is now empty, it’s most likely The Big Kahuna talking. Back to playing Siskel and Ebert. Does anyone know how Siskel could die before Ebert? I mean, that guy was a heart attack in a jacket and slacks.
I was told by several people that the movie was crap. Others told me it was pretty good, while yet a third group told me it was OK. I’d say it was a pretty decent flick. Nice eye candy, without the gratoutious cleavage. That’s both a positive and a negative. Reynolds was pretty good and I really liked the pug, fish and red dude. It’s definitely worth $1.20 (plus tax).
Do you think Hal Jordan ever harnessed the power of the ring when he was with his chick. I figure he had to try it at least once. What do you think?
