Somewhere Over The Rainbow

And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole
(Hawaiian pronunciation: [ka-maka-iwo'ole]






If someone told me I would be quoting lyrics from the High Holy Diva of homosexual men (Judy Garland) I would say you’re sm0king crack AND sniffing glue. Yet here I am, quoting song lyrics from the Wizard of freakin Oz. Weird.
For the record I don’t advocate the use of either crack or inhalants. Whether alone or together. Crack is wack. Say no to drugs, yo. This is a tale of perservernce, stress, parenting and other assorted stuff. It should make you laugh and it might make you weepy. OK, maybe not “weepy” but it’s a look inside my world and right now my world is kinda sad.
First let me give you a little background on this song. It was done back in 1993 by a dude named Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole. Who is he? Here’s the Readers Digest version. If you want to know his full story, wiki it.
IZ is the most popular Hawaiian musician. Ever. He kicked Don Ho’s ass years ago and at his biggest (pun intended) he weighed 757 pounds. That’s not a joke. IZ stood six-foot-two and weighed 757. In 1993 he recorded this version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow and around 2004 or 2005 it was released as a mainstream song.
IZ died in 1997 at age 38 and 10,000 attended his funeral while thousands more were at a service to dump his ashes into the Pacific. There’s a shot of it in the video. He’s also only the third person ever (and only non-politician) to have their body lay in state at the Capitol building in Hawaii. That’s a pretty bitchin honor, bro. Nicely done.
I implore you to watch the video at the end of this. It’s just a big dude with a rad voice and a ukelele, but it features some beautiful scenery and it’s something you need to hear at least once in your life. That’s enough about IZ. On with the blog post.
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that’s where you’ll find me
There are times I feel like I’m over the rainbow, as in ready for a straight jacket. The reality is that I wish I could figure out how to make my troubles melt like lemon drops, but I can’t seem to figure it out. It often seems like I’m seriously losing my mind, though I’m
fairly
confident that I’m not.
I’m adjusting to changes in lifestyle due an ongoing illness and it’s frustrating at times. By “at times” I mean most of the time. I’m not in a wheelchair or anything, but I have to plan my day so I don’t get burnt out. That’s easier said than done.
For example, Saturday night I learned (the hard way) that when I’m around fireworks I need to put on my headphones and play some music because the booming sounds are not pleasant for me. But enough about that.
I’m stressing and worrying about things I have no control over and I try to let go of it, but for some reason I can’t. On the rare occasions I do relax, it’s short lived because I start thinking about these things I have no control over and it worries me, which stresses me out. I keep telling my brain to chill, but it likes to screw with me and does its own thing.
Lately I’ve started accepting invitations to events I know will likely not be great for me, but I go anyway. Why do I go? Easy. I don’t want to completely hole up and become a social douche. Plus I need to figure out a way to enjoy myself without paying a huge price and if you don’t try, you don’t know. Ya know?
I know that this will sound both ignorant and insane, but it’s the straight up truth. My lack of confidence is feeding this fear of both success and failure. I really believe that I often subconsciously sabotage myself because I’m afraid of succeeding, even though I very much want to be successful.
At the same time, I’m deathly afraid of failure. Why? Hell if I know. If I could figure it out, I wouldn’t be afraid of it. Trust me.
Here’s how my personal Circle of Life works. I’m afraid of failing, so I don’t try to do things that I should try. When I don’t try, that satisfies my fear of success, but like any nasty beast, my fear of success needs more nourishment, so I continue to not do things because I’m afraid of failing or looking like an idiot.
Add the inherent stress of parenting my hormonal teenage Drama Queen to the equation and you can begin to see why I feel very alone and discouraged. My Muse keeps trying to get me out of this funk, but her arms aren’t long enough to bitch slap me on the West Coast from the East Coast. Still, I appreciate her trying and I publicly apologize for being a whiny douche and for heeding about 2% of the advice she throws down. Maybe 3%. Definitely low single digits.
Thank you to everyone who is still reading. Most sane people left at some point before this and I want you to know I appreciate your sticking with me. I listen to this song and it reminds me that I need to let my troubles melt away and that I can’t change a lot of what’s happening in my life, so I need to roll with it. I’m ready to be happy for a while.
The video was recently released and watching it reminds me that it doesn’t matter what the package looks like on the outside, it’s what you have on the inside that counts. If a 757 pound guy can belt out songs like this, then I’m pretty sure a dude with a weird sense of humor, skewed view on life and a flaming cane can accomplish something pretty decent with his writing.
Note that I said, “pretty sure” and not “sure”. Why not completely sure? Self doubt. As I begin taking regular trips over the rainbow I’m sure I will feel better. I cannot believe I just typed that. Remind me to find a better way to say it. The phrase “As I begin taking regular trips over the rainbow I’m sure I will feel better” sounds wrong on so many levels and I offer my most sincere apologies for having uttered it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to look for that lemon drop place so I can chill a while. Daddy needs a time out.

                                                                

P.S. If you read this regularly, you’ve probably noticed I haven’t written much this past month. I’ve been out looking for that damn rainbow. I’m pretty sure I’m close, so please stick with me. If you’re new, hook a brother up and subscribe?

Closer To The Edge

Can you imagine a time when the truth ran free?
The birth of a song, The death of a dream
Closer to the edge

Thirty Seconds to Mars



I was listening to Pandora last week and this song came on. I’ve heard it a bunch of times, but for some reason the beat caught my brain and I paid more attention to it. Later in the day I was on YouTube and decided to check out the Closer To The Edge  video. About 58 seconds in, I came to the conclusion that I liked this video despite the fact that one could argue the possibility that the “Thousand to one and a million to two” move is a sign of which team lead singer Jared Leto plays for. The white leather belted coat doesn’t help your case either. I’m not saying I believe it, but I can see how someone might.
I don’t remember the moment I tried to forget
I lost myself, is it better not said
Now I’m closer to the edge
The straight up truth is that I’d like to forget the last seven or eight years of my life. It was going well, and then it all went to shit. I’m not throwing blame around. I’m a grown-ass man and with a lot of hindsight in my past, and it’s my fault. Not that it matters who’s at fault. The point was that I’d like to forget the last seven or eight years of my life. Let’s just leave it at that.
Also, that edge I’m getting closer to better damn well be the top of the shit hole I’m trying to pull myself out of. If it’s not, I’m gonna be really  pissed and go off on some gnarly rant. Guaranteed. Stay tuned.
It was a thousand to one and a million to two
Time to go down in flames and I’m taking you
Closer to the edge
I find it ironic… I truly believe in my heart, the good shit is right around the corner, yet if you said that to me a week ago I would tell you that you’re smoking crack. I’ve learned a lot about myself as a writer, especially over the last year. I’m not sure how I got on this writing high, but hands off. This shit is mine. My point with this is that I’m going for it. I feel great about the way my life is heading and if I go down, I’m going down in flames. As in, pushing myself closer to the edge of a happy, successful rest of my life. You’re invited to come along for the ride, just be sure to wear your seat belt. If we do near the “going down in flames’ part, I’ll be sure to eject you all from your seats. You’re welcome.
Also, how can something be both 1000-1 AND a million-2? If it is possible, what’s the vig on that gotta be? Sounds like shady gambling to me. You’re better off staying away from that action.
No I’m not saying I’m sorry
One day maybe we’ll meet again
As funny as that may sound, the last year or so, I’ve really isolated myself from almost everyone and I hate it. I really do. I’m not entirely sure why I’ve done it and still do, but I think it has something to with the health limitations I’m presented with right now.
I’m not my normal self and I don’t want people I know to see me like this and I feel like if they do, they’ll feel like they don’t know how to react to me. I know that sounds totally ignorant considering they’re all great, loyal friends who I’ve known anywhere from 16-25 years. The reality is they’ve all seen me worse than this, but it was only for a night, or until I yakked it out of my system. This is different. My message to those friends is to get in touch with me and call me the same shitty names you always have.
If you actually watch the video (which I encourage you to do for its one two punch of normal looking guys from their The Kill video? OK. They weren’t all normal. One guy was getting fellated by a giant teddy bear, but it was only for like two seconds or something, so he’s probably still relatively normal.
I’m not at all sure why, but Jared has this Adam Ant thing going on Dude’s wearing war paint like Adam did in Goody Two Shoes and he has what I believe is a white weightlifting glove on one hand. Hate to break it to you J-Lo, but Michael Jackson barely pulled off that look and his glove had sequins.
I told Drama Queen that I wanted her to watch the video and she asked why. “Just shut up and do it,” I said. So she did. And she liked it. As I knew she would. My daughter wanted to know why I wanted her to watch it. “Two reasons,” I said. “First is that I thought it might inspire you to accomplish great works or something.”* She stared at me like I was wasting her valuable time and asked what the other thing was. Shaking my head, I sighed and explained that she needs to, “Get over this Rhianna, Lady GaGa and KIIS FM bulllshit” she’s been listening to.
I reminded my daughter that KROQ roqs the FM dial, plus she already likes Muse, Evanesence, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Veruca Salt, Garbage, Puddle of Mudd, No Doubt, Paramore, All-American Rejects, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park (she LOVES Linkin Park) and now, Thirty Seconds to Mars. That seems like a good foundation for alternative. I’m trying to get her interested in Silversun Pickups, but no luck yet. I could tell you I’ll keep you posted about that, but the reality is that I wont. No point blowing sunshine, ya know?
I’ll end it like this. Watch the video and listen to the song, then honestly ask yourself this question. “If I were at this concert, would I be bouncing up and down during this song?” At least a little? Let me know your answer…

*“Or something” is the PG version of, “And shit.”
P.S. If you picture Jared Leto as a blond Faith-era George Michael with a pink mohawk, the video makes a lot more sense.

Entertainment and catchy music along with a positive message for the youth of today), you’ll see this is a new look for the band. What I want to know is what happened to the normal looking guys from their The Kill video? OK. They weren’t all normal. One guy was getting fellated by a giant teddy bear, but it was only for like two seconds or something, so he’s probably still relatively normal.
I’m not at all sure why, but Jared has this Adam Ant thing going on Dude’s wearing war paint like Adam did in Goody Two Shoes and he has what I believe is a white weightlifting glove on one hand. Hate to break it to you J-Lo, but Michael Jackson barely pulled off that look and his glove had sequins.

I’ll end it like this. Watch the video and listen to the song, then honestly ask yourself this question. “If I were at this concert, would I be bouncing up and down during this song?” At least a little? Let me know your answer…


*“Or something” is the PG version of, “And shit.”
P.S. If you picture Jared Leto as a blond Faith-era George Michael with a pink mohawk, the video makes a lot more sense.