Uh... What Broke?

I came home the other day from work and everything was going on as normal. Jasmine was driving Breana crazy, the dog was on the couch as she was not supposed to be, and the smell of dinner was lingering in the airmosphere. After food and playtime I noticed that it was really warm in the house. When I wandered over to the thermostat it read 85 degrees! I was like “what the crap…what do I do now?” I don’t have any sort of home protection plan that covers this and I don’t know how to fix it.

My father came over and took a look at it and said either the fan motor or a small electrical transistor went out. I asked him if he knew how to fix it but that turned out to be a “no”. He did know a guy that works on them and said that it shouldn’t take too long to fix. I called and a couple of days later he came out and fixed me right up. Turns out it was a small itty-bitty little electrical component. I’m not saying how much that little thing and the visit cost me. Since then I have looked into some ways to safeguard me against little things that go out and break on me. Home warranties like what American Home Shield has to offer look really appealing. I just know that the I need to look into something before I spend all my free time on the phone trying to find someone to fix the junk when it breaks and then go broke trying to pay them.

Skiing with The 36-Year-Old-Virgin

She just smiled and asked, “When are you going to give it to me?”




I loaded the Drama Queen into the Sentra and headed to my friend’s house to get the keys to his cabin in Blue Jay, CA. It was December 30, 2004 and I was going to the mountains with D.Q., The 36-Year-Old-Virgin, my friend The Kings Fan, and his wife Hot Latin Mama, their son G.I. Joe along with Mama’s younger sister, Hermana. Hermana was up from Mexico for the holidays. We were all going skiing/snowboarding in Big Bear on New Years Eve and we stayed at the cabin for a couple of nights.
This place was a cabin in name only. It was bigger and nicer than my house in Redlands and sat on a golf course. My friends bought it in 1996, The cabin was 90 minutes away from home and 45 from the ski areas. For those that think there is no snow in Southern California, there is. Back in the day I would often surf in the morning and go night skiing. Life was pretty sweet.
After getting the keys I went down to The O.C. and picked up The Virgin. She had never skied before and in fact had never even been to the snow, which I guess made her a snow virgin as well. It was kind of funny seeing this Mexican cutie all bundled up in snow pants, a heavy coat, gloves and a beanie when it was 60 degrees out. I told her that we would be in the car and that we would pull right up to the door, in case she waned to throw on some jeans for the car ride up. “That’s OK Bolillo,” she said. “I want to enjoy the experience.” Whatever. (BTW…Bolillo is Spanish for “white bread”)
I threw her bag in the back and we headed out through The 909 (So. Cal’s. meth headquarters, named the 909 because the area code is 909). I pulled into Costco near the base of the mountain and tried not to snicker as the virgin trampled inside in her snow pants and winter boots when many of the other shoppers were in shorts and flip flops.
When the shopping was done we headed up the mountain and arrived shortly before our guests. There were three bedrooms—two with queen beds and one with twin beds plus a huge couch in the living room. I don’t remember the sleeping arrangements but I do remember that The Virgin and I had a room with a queen bed. Sweet.
Dinner that night was good and the girls fixed some authentic Mexican fare. The Virgin was Mexican and The Kings Fan was born in Mexico but raised in L.A. He had recently married Mama and she and G.I. Joe were full-blown Mexican and had only lived in the U.S. for a year or so. I do remember a lot of Corona being consumed that night. Some Patron too.
We got up early the next morning, made breakfast and some sandwiches for lunch and headed up to Bear Mountain Ski Area. We stopped to rent our equipment and Kings Fan laughed at me for renting skis. Everyone else was snowboarding but I reminded him that I was all the way Old School and that I had ripped up both knees and ankles playing soccer (with him as my goalie), so I wanted something that I could eject out of if and when I biffed it big.
We arrived and put the kids in a ski school/daycare thing and went off to have fun. I think that Mama, Hermana and The Virgin took lessons because King and I went off to have some fun. It had been a few years since I had skied but it came back quickly and soon we were heading down some pretty steep terrain. It was snowing a very icy snow that day and was really windy and I remember the snow stinging as it hit my face. Every time I started to get cold I whipped out my flask of Malibu (I guess I was going through a Malibu and Coke phase then). The more I drank, the better I felt. Soon enough my big flask was empty and I was pretty buzzed.
We finished skiing/boarding and headed back to the cabin. (Relax. I don’t drink and drive. I was sober by then.) We arrived and started preparing our big New Years Eve fiesta. I’m pretty rad in the kitchen and I usually cook for my friends, but tonight the chicas were preparing the food and we were all having fun drinking. The Virgin was drinking pretty steadily and the more she drank, the happier she got.
I remember King pulling me aside at one point and saying that I should “tap it tonight.” I wasn’t completely opposed to the idea (we had been dating a couple of months) and I went up to her, whispered in her ear and told her that I had a special surprise for her at midnight. She smiled and said she couldn’t “wait to get it”. This chick was so freakin naïve!
As midnight approached, King kept looking at me and giving me “the nod”. You know what I mean. The one that guys give each other as if to say, “that’s right. It’s all good.” At one point Mama came up to me and said that she was so happy for us. Apparently King had shared the secret. I had to let her know that it was actually not a done deal and that in fact The Virgin had no clue what I was planning. I also had to remind her that although I wasn’t completely fluent in Spanish, I knew enough to know if she tried to tip her off!
At about 11:50 PM The Virgin came up and asked what I had for her. I told her that it was a big surprise and that I was sure that she had never gotten this before. She just smiled and asked, “When are you going to give it to me?” I told her that I would give it to her shortly after midnight when we went to bed.
Midnight came and went and we got the cabin mostly cleaned up and everyone went to bed. She and I went into our room and closed the door. I started kissing her and she asked what I had for her. I (like a guy who had been drinking all day) told her that I thought her New Years resolution should be to experience new things in 2005 and she thought that sounded great. Please keep in mind that she too had been drinking all night. And that she was really naïve.
We continued kissing and as we did I told her that I thought that she should finally experience sex and she looked at me with puppy dog eyes and asked, “Bolillo. Don’t you care about my soul? I mean, what would God say if I had sex outside of marriage?” I told her that I didn’t know, but reminded her that a lot of Catholic school girls were sluts, so I figured that God would cut her some slack for waiting until she was 36. I also asked her how many Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers she thought the priest would give her for “doing it”.
I didn’t get laid that night but the next morning she acted as if the whole thing never happened. She bounced up the steps and into the kitchen with a cheery hello for everyone. Mama looked up at me and came over to hug me and said, “congratulations.” I told her that nothing happened and she gave me one of those “What you talking about Willis?” Looks. Neither Mama nor The Fan could believe that she still wasn’t giving it up. They were both a little disappointed in me and I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed in myself too.
The Virgin turned 37 a few weeks later and I won’t tell you whether or not she became The 37-Year-Old-Virgin. That is another story for another day.

Mr. Whipple would not approve

Would that be considered third base or was the guy trying to steal home?

On Thursday Breana and I were at home when her friend Arika rolled in to see if we wanted to head over to Costco for a cheap lunch. My daughter said yes right away and I figured I would tag along since I wasn’t really looking forward to heating a can of soup in the microwave. After parking and standing in a long line I grabbed my Polish sausage  and rounded the corner to fill my cup. I know there are better ways to say that though not many funnier.

As I was getting my drink I watched some guy walk up to machine with a big jug, fill it with ice and water then put it on the ground and fill another before walking away. “WTF?” I thought as I watched the guy do this. Once we had our drinks the three of us grabbed a table, ate lunch and bullshat*.
My daughter also noticed the guy with the jugs and when Arika saw the dude pilfering the water she started telling us about a guy she knows who keeps a collection of fast food cups in his car. He saves them in order to take advantage of free refills. If he’s at Burger King, he whips out his BK cup. If he’s making a run for the border he grabs his Taco Bell cup. Classy huh?
We all finished our lunch as we talked and my daughter was telling us about some ideas she has for her birthday. At one point late in the meal I noticed a couple dudes walk up and grab a table behind my daughter. I really didn’t pay attention because the patio was kind of crowded and they were just a couple of guys eating lunch.
I noticed that the two guys were sitting next to each other and not across from each other which didn’t seem to be a big deal as I figured they were probably expecting another person or two. As my daughter continued to tell us of her plans I noticed something that caught my eye.
Dude on the right put his hand on his friend’s back as if he was consoling or comforting him. I still thought nothing of it and continued to listen to my daughter. Suddenly my attention was diverted back to the other table. The guy’s hand started sliding down the friend’s back. And it kept going.
Without warning, fingers grabbed shirt and hand slid inside the jeans and under the drawers. Before glancing at Arika (who was sitting next to me), I noted that while “squeezing the Charmin” the guy was also eating a slice of pizza. My first thought was of the Alanis Morissette song, One Hand In My Pocket. My second thought was, “”That’s not his pocket”.
Arika blurted, “Time to bounce,” as I said, “I’m ready to go.” My daughter, who was sitting with her back to the show, had no clue why we were suddenly ready to leave and after walking 20 or 30 feet asked why we were both in a hurry.
As we headed to the car Arika relayed the story to my daughter who was kind of surprised but also kind of glad she didn’t actually see it for herself. After returning to the house I was asked if I took a picture, which of course I didn’t. I really wish I had because before we were out of the parking lot I knew I had today’s blog post.
I’m not here to judge but I don’t think the patio outside a crowded Costco at 12:15 PM is the best place to get a little “down the pants” action. Not even if it was a guy and a girl. Not even if it was two chicks.
Would that be considered third base or was the guy trying to steal home? If Alanis ever remakes her hit she could croon, “He’s got one hand eating pizza and the other one is giving a low five.”



P.S. If you think about it, the guy was really just grabbing a slice with both hands.
*Bullshat is the past tense of bullshit.

Granny Spam

According to Urban Dictionary, Granny Spam is:

Unwanted, non-personal email received from a family member, friend or colleague.

Granny spam has usually been forwarded several times and concerns such inane topics as childish jokes, dubious political propaganda, spurious computer security alerts or claims of monetary recompense in exchange for forwarding of said spam.





Does your mom forward you weird stuff? Yeah. Mine too. Here are a few “highlights from this week.



[I'm not sure why I needed to be in the loop on this one, but I was.]



Look clearly at the 2014 rate compared to the 2013 rate.

For those of you who are on Medicare, read the following. It’s short, but
important and you probably haven’t heard about it in the Mainstream News:

“The per person Medicare Insurance Premium will increase from the present
Monthly Fee of $96.40, rising to:

$104.20 in 2012

$120.20 in 2013

And

$247.00 in 2014.”

These are Provisions incorporated in the Obamacare Legislation, purposely
delayed so as not to confuse the 2012 Re-Election Campaigns. Send this to
all Seniors that you know, so they will know who’s throwing them under the
bus.

                    The picture has nothing to do with Medicare. It’s in Quebec, eh.





                                  Never underestimate our canine friends.

When President Obama went to Fort Campbell, Kentucky, last week for a highly publicized, but very private meeting with the commando team that killed Osama bin Laden, only one of the 81 members of the super-secret SEAL DevGru unit was identified by name: Cairo, the war dog.
Cairo, like most canine members of the elite U.S. Navy SEALs, is a Belgian Malinois. The Malinois breed is similar to German shepherds but smaller and More compact, with an adult male weighing in the 30-kilo range.
Like their human counterparts, the dog SEALs are highly trained, highly Skilled, highly motivated special ops experts, able to perform Extraordinary military missions by SEa, Air and Land (thus the acronym).
The dogs, equipped with video cameras, also enter certain danger zones First, allowing their handlers to see what’s ahead before humans follow. As I mentioned before, SEAL dogs are even trained parachutists, jumping Either in tandem with their handlers or solo, if the jump is into water.
Last year canine parachute instructor Mike Forsythe and his dog Cara set The world record for highest man-dog parachute deployment, jumping from more than 30,100 feet up the altitude transoceanic passenger jets fly at. Both Forsythe and Cara were wearing oxygen masks and skin protectors for The jump.

When the SEAL DevGru team (usually known by its old designation, Team 6) Hit bin Laden’s Pakistan compound on May 2, Cairo ’s feet would have been Four of the first on the ground.
And like the human SEALs, Cairo was wearing super-strong, flexible body Armour and outfitted with high-tech equipment that included “doggles” Specially designed and fitted dog goggles with night-vision and infrared Capability that would even allow Cairo to see human heat forms through Concrete walls.

How cool is this?
Have a great weekend…