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I'm on a rant about fathers who are treated as second-class parents.
The other day was filing out some paperwork and got to the bottom of one of the pages and saw the picture above.
To say I was offended would be a huge understatement. I’ve had full custody of my daughter for almost 5 years and to see “NAME OF NONCUSTODIAL PARENT/ALLEGED FATHER” was like a kick in the sack.
I hate to sound like an old lady but “How dare they assume that the noncustodial parent is the dad?”
Are there way more noncustodial fathers than mothers? Absolutely, but to automatically assume the father said “Peace out” to his responsibility is bullshit.
I was working on a post called Oscar Mayer Is Full of B-O-L-O-G-N-A but now that I’m in full rant mode I see how the paperwork and a company that runs commercials portraying men as idiots are both drinking the Bad Dad Kool-Aid.
I’m sure you’ve seen the commercials. The dad is portrayed as simultaneously whipped and also a complete idiot.
If you want to see for yourself take a peek at the thirty-second commercial below.
As you can see from the picture and video, modern day dads don’t have a lot of street cred. That’s sad. And they get stereotyped all the time.
I was once in K-Mart (a store I will NEVER go back to) and my then seven-year-old daughter was trying on some clothes. The lady running the dressing rooms gave me the “Why are you bringing your daughter to buy clothes?” look and I proceeded to ignore her.
About three minutes in I heard my Drama Princess shouting that she was lost in her turtleneck and needed some help.
I looked at the gatekeeper and began to ask if I could go help my daughter when she said, “No men are allowed in the women’s dressing rooms.”
“OK,” I replied. Can you go help her?”
“You should have her mother take her to buy clothes,” the woman said with a straight face.
Meanwhile my daughter was ignoring my request to stop trying to find a way out of the sweater and just wait for help to come. I know this because she shouted; “Now I’m more stuck than I was stuck before.”
Lovely.
As politely as I could I asked the woman to call a store manager. When he finally came out he was even worse then the woman.
“It’s not appropriate for you to take her clothes shopping,” said the guy who was barely old enough to drink legally. “Her mother should be doing it.”
That was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Let the rant begin.
“First off,” I said in a voice that was loud enough that the people over in electronics probably heard me.
“Her mother isn’t around. I have full custody of my daughter and I take care of her.”
I should probably tell you that I was easily five inches taller than the Assistant Manager and I was playing Handball a couple of times a week. Also I was playing the intimidation card.
“Don’t you ever,” I said while glaring into his eyes. “And I mean never tell a dad he can’t take his daughter shopping. Who the hell are you to tell me how to raise my daughter?”
At this point a female customer came over and asked me if she could go help Her Majesty navigate her way out of a turtleneck.
I happily accepted her offer and moments later my daughter appeared. As soon as she did the manager grew a pair.
“I’m going to ask you both to leave the store,” he said. “And ask that you don’t come back. You should be happy I don’t call the police.”
At that point I got livid and whipped out my cell phone.
“You want me to call them for you?” I asked. “Because I smell a cop giving you a verbal beating for being a dumbass. Or maybe I should call your district manager and tell them that you’re kicking a guy out of your store for taking his daughter clothes shopping.”
The guy was visibly shaken by my reaction. He assumed his nametag gave him ultimate authority but he was wrong.
“Listen up slick,” I quietly said as I stuck out my hand.
“This is my business card. It has my name, phone number and e-mail. Go ahead and give it to the police or whoever you want. I would love to talk with someone about this.”
I then took my daughter’s hand and proceeded to walk out of the store. Looking back at the manager and small crowd of employees I said, “And don’t worry about us coming back to this K-Mart or any other.”
That was the most colorful encounter but it’s not the only one. When I take my daughter to places like Forever 21 I get the “You’re a pervert and are standing outside the dressing rooms to get a peek,” glance.
I’m not kidding. Women waiting for their daughters or friends eye me and on my daughter’s birthday an employee of Forever 21 asked her manager to come find out why I was standing there.
“My daughter is in the dressing room,” I explained. “Is that a problem? Because if it is we can easily go to other stores in the mall.”
The manager apologized and one mom standing around there gave me a fist bump.
The reason I’m telling you these real-life stories is to illustrate how dads are perceived. I sometimes think that people don’t know fiction from non-fiction.
Is Phil Dunphy, the bumbling dad from Modern Family, an idiot?
Yep.
Phil Dunphy is a character. He’s fictional and he’s there to entertain us. I laugh my ass off at the dumb stuff he does but I know that (most) dads aren’t anything like that.
Disney Channel and Nickelodeon are famous for portraying dads as clueless, whipped and as someone who brings home bacon but has no say in anything else.
Kids see this night after night and I truly believe it sends a message that dads are a step below a mom.
What can we do to convince society that dads aren’t bumbling, whipped idiots?
My best advice is to make people aware of communities such as Good Men Project and to encourage others to read the stories from literally hundreds of men who are sharing their tales of being good dads and good men.
Maybe Oscar Mayer executives, Forever 21 managers and K-Mart assistant managers should be required to do an hour of Good Men Project reading every day.
That would definitely show that most dads don’t build tree houses that fall down immediately after building it. It would also show that men aren’t whipped, perverts or second-class parents.
With the exception of my mom and dad when I was a kid I don’t think I’ve ever asked, “Can I” continue to do whatever I was doing.
“Do you mind if I stay out a bit longer or do you need me to come home for something?” is how you ask.
It shows that you have respect for the other person’s feelings and needs while expressing your desire to keep eating fried chicken and waffles with your friends at 10:30 PM.
If you say, “Can I?” You might as well pay your part of the check because you’re going home.
I know this rant went off on several tangents and it might seem a little disjointed but there is a point to all this.
As men and as dads we need to clean up our reputation and change the stereotype. We need to show people that we can take care of our kids and that we can think for ourselves.
Yeah we need our spouse/partner/significant other to keep us from doing dumb stuff (like Facebook friending the babysitter or quitting your job to start a blog) but to portray us as unable to make decisions without the blessing of mom and to assume that the man is always the noncustodial parent is wrong.
I love this quote from Thomas J. Watson, the CEO of IBM from 1914-1956.
"But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good."
Don’t let the stereotypes of dads and men keep you down. Let people know there are plenty of good dads in their city and their neighborhood. Show the doubters and non-believers that good men are everywhere, they just have to open their eyes and look around.
1. Love her mom. Treat her mother with respect, honor, and a big heaping spoonful of public displays of affection. When she grows up, the odds are good she’ll fall in love with and marry someone who treats her much like you treated her mother. Good or bad, that’s just the way it is. I’d prefer good.
2. Always be there. Quality time doesn’t happen without quantity time. Hang out together for no other reason than just to be in each other’s presence. Be genuinely interested in the things that interest her. She needs her dad to be involved in her life at every stage. Don’t just sit idly by while she add years to her… add life to her years.
3. Save the day. She’ll grow up looking for a hero. It might as well be you. She’ll need you to come through for her over and over again throughout her life. Rise to the occasion. Red cape and blue tights optional.
4. Savor every moment you have together. Today she’s crawling around the house in diapers, tomorrow you’re handing her the keys to the car, and before you know it, you’re walking her down the aisle. Some day soon, hanging out with her old man won’t be the bees knees anymore. Life happens pretty fast. You better cherish it while you can.
5. Pray for her. Regularly. Passionately. Continually.
6. Buy her a glove and teach her to throw a baseball. Make her proud to throw like a girl… a girl with a wicked slider.
7. She will fight with her mother. Choose sides wisely.
8. Go ahead. Buy her those pearls.
9. Of course you look silly playing peek-a-boo. You should play anyway.
10. Enjoy the wonder of bath time.
11. There will come a day when she asks for a puppy. Don’t over think it. At least one time in her life, just say, “Yes.”
12. It’s never too early to start teaching her about money. She will still probably suck you dry as a teenager… and on her wedding day.
13. Make pancakes in the shape of her age for breakfast on her birthday. In a pinch, donuts with pink sprinkles and a candle will suffice.
14. Buy her a pair of Chucks as soon as she starts walking. She won’t always want to wear matching shoes with her old man.
Photo Credit :: Danielle Rocke Toews
15. Dance with her. Start when she’s a little girl or even when she’s a baby. Don’t wait ‘til her wedding day.
16. Take her fishing. She will probably squirm more than the worm on your hook. That’s OK.
17. Learn to say no. She may pitch a fit today, but someday you’ll both be glad you stuck to your guns.
18. Tell her she’s beautiful. Say it over and over again. Someday an animated movie or “beauty” magazine will try to convince her otherwise.
19. Teach her to change a flat. A tire without air need not be a major panic inducing event in her life. She’ll still call you crying the first time it happens.
20. Take her camping. Immerse her in the great outdoors. Watch her eyes fill with wonder the first time she sees the beauty of wide open spaces. Leave the iPod at home.
21. Let her hold the wheel. She will always remember when daddy let her drive.
22. She’s as smart as any boy. Make sure she knows that.
23. When she learns to give kisses, she will want to plant them all over your face. Encourage this practice.
24. Knowing how to eat sunflower seeds correctly will not help her get into a good college. Teach her anyway.
25. Letting her ride on your shoulders is pure magic. Do it now while you have a strong back and she’s still tiny.
26. It is in her nature to make music. It’s up to you to introduce her to the joy of socks on a wooden floor.
27. If there’s a splash park near your home, take her there often. She will be drawn to the water like a duck to a puddle.
28. She will eagerly await your return home from work in the evenings. Don’t be late.
29. If her mom enrolls her in swim lessons, make sure you get in the pool too. Don’t be intimidated if there are no other dads there. It’s their loss.
30. Never miss her birthday. In ten years she won’t remember the present you gave her. She will remember if you weren’t there.
31. Teach her to roller skate. Watch her confidence soar.
32. Let her roll around in the grass. It’s good for her soul. It’s not bad for yours either.
33. Take her swimsuit shopping. Don’t be afraid to veto some of her choices, but resist the urge to buy her full-body beach pajamas.
34. Somewhere between the time she turns three and her sixth birthday, the odds are good that she will ask you to marry her. Let her down gently.
35. She’ll probably want to crawl in bed with you after a nightmare. This is a good thing.
36. Few things in life are more comforting to a crying little girl than her father’s hand. Never forget this.
37. Introduce her to the swings at your local park. She’ll squeal for you to push her higher and faster. Her definition of “higher and faster” is probably not the same as yours. Keep that in mind.
38. When she’s a bit older, your definition of higher and faster will be a lot closer to hers. When that day comes, go ahead… give it all you’ve got.
39. Holding her upside down by the legs while she giggles and screams uncontrollably is great for your biceps. WARNING: She has no concept of muscle fatigue.
40. She might ask you to buy her a pony on her birthday. Unless you live on a farm, do not buy her a pony on her birthday. It’s OK to rent one though.
41. Take it easy on the presents for her birthday and Christmas. Instead, give her the gift of experiences you can share together.
42. Let her know she can always come home. No matter what.
43. Remember, just like a butterfly, she too will spread her wings and fly some day. Enjoy her caterpillar years.
44. Write her a handwritten letter every year on her birthday. Give them to her when she goes off to college, becomes a mother herself, or when you think she needs them most.
45. Learn to trust her. Gradually give her more freedom as she gets older. She will rise to the expectations you set for her.
46. When in doubt, trust your heart. She already does.
47. When your teenage daughter is upset, learning when to engage and when to back off will add years to YOUR life. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
48. Ice cream covers over a multitude of sins. Know her favorite flavor.
49. This day is coming soon. There’s nothing you can do to be ready for it. The sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be.
50. Today she’s walking down the driveway to get on the school bus. Tomorrow she’s going off to college. Don’t blink.
Why is it that my youngest daughter makes so much of a mess when she starts the several times daily ritual of brushing her teeth? She makes such a huge mess and leaves so much caked on tooth paste all over the sink that I really thought that I was going to have to rent some sort of industrial equipment to blast some of that stuff off. I have tried and tried to instruct her on the way to get this done in a more easy and neat manner.
I usually tell Jasmine to go in there and get the tooth brush ready so that she can brush, then potty, and then get into bed. I usually wander into her bathroom about two minutes later to finish her up and check to make sure she did a good job.
This is when I find that that spit has been dribbled all down the side of the sink, tooth paste all smashed into the carpet, and some spittle up and on the toilet since someone thought it would be “so cool” to spit into the toilet since the sink was a little crowded. I really don’t know what to do. Some company needs to come out with some sort of conveyor system that starts from the very beginning of getting the tooth brushes ready and then being the system that facilitates the entire process without making a mess. Knowing my daughter is one of them would go into the process standing on their head and that would throw the whole thing off. I think that she will eventually grow out of it though and maybe I should save for her college instead of tooth brushing machinery. Then again I could take some of that money and invest in a couple of tooth paste companies since most of ours is on the sink instead of her teeth.
Most of us live with the conviction that we are entitled to know ‘why’. It seems our curious minds refuse to settle simply for the ‘what’, and instead push ahead in search of motive and reason. This privilege, which usually starts as a plea but finds its crescendo in a demand, becomes accentuated in the midst of a break-up.
Rarely do romantic relationships end in consensus; one-half of the couple decides he or she needs greener pastures, which usually comes as a surprise to the other half. And the curb kicked recipient is sent careening off a cliff in search of clarification. “Why are you doing this?”
While a natural reaction from a creature with a need for things to make sense, our hunt for too many answers can unwittingly set us up for even more suffering.
All human insecurity stems from rejection. Think about that statement for a moment. A lifetime of scars left by the desertion and disappointment of family, friends, and former lovers all blend to create a cocktail of self-doubt leaving a perpetual hangover. The promises made to never let that happen again lead to a trigger-happy defense anytime we sense another threat of good-bye.
One only needs to look at his or her life for evidence of this fact. Lights explode and flags wave as our censors detect the missiles of incoming heartbreak and all of those memories of former hurts, repressed in the comfort of our current relationship, suddenly rush back with fresh mercilessness. The Band-Aids are torn off. Because the feelings of rejection never completely heal; having one’s heart ripped from the chest can’t be mended with merlot and casual sex.
At it’s basic level a break-up is one person telling another you’re no longer “worthy”, “ adequate”, and “lovable”. Anyone, when faced with those accusations, impulsively wants to defend themselves. The purpose of which becomes twofold; prove they’re wrong and we’re right.
“I don’t work all the time.”
"I’m always here for you.”
“We had sex last week.”
“You’ll never find someone else like me.”
In truth the need to know ‘why’ is important so I can convince myself the reasons you’re breaking up with me are petty, self-centered, and superficial which makes me the victim in all of it. This lets me to believe it’s all your fault, making it easier to feel that I’m better off without you and that I deserve someone who will appreciate me more. ‘I’m right, you’re wrong.’
Not long after my divorce I dated a woman for a little over a year. Her prior marriage ended from an affair with a man who methodically broke her heart after several years together. She was devastated, confused, and angry. Completely understandable, except by the time we met their relationship had been over for five years. She had yet to settle with the reasons he gave for wanting to end what they had and she continued to believe he owed her a ‘better explanation’. During our relationship she could never articulate why she randomly stalked him on the internet, would ask old friends about him, or bash any girlfriend he might be seeing; all she could say was how she hadn’t received closure.
To me, ‘closure’ is mere psychobabble serving as a label for why people can’t get over someone. I’ve always noticed how those who speak of needing closure are usually the ones broken-up with; and that it’s always expressed in the form of a debt that needs repaying, “he owes me a better explanation!”. The thing I find with people crying out for ‘closure’, much like that ex, isn’t a misunderstanding of the reasons for the break up – they just don’t agree with them. The ‘why’ isn’t justified to their liking.
Have you ever met someone who still isn’t over a relationship even though it’s been ample time? They just can’t seem to move on with their life and instead remain stuck in the past? I’ve found that when I look beyond the pity I may feel for them I find someone still wrestling with anger at how the relationship ended, bitterness that the other person has moved on, and resentment at the explanation given for the good bye. And while they usually play nice in public, each of these emotions are aimed at one target, because that person has yet to provide them with closure. The relationship tab is still open.
We are responsible for our own closure in a failed relationship; it isn’t an account that other person is required to settle on our behalf. They rationalized why the relationship should end for themselves, so why do we feel it’s their responsibility to do the same for us? I think pity and greed leads to an often ignored entitlement mentality which says that since the other person wanted the breakup they now bear the burden of providing me with the closure I need so I can get on with my life. In other words we want the break up to be on our terms letting us feel that we’re right. But when that doesn’t happen closure usually becomes the issue.
It’s been said that hello’s last five seconds and good-byes take a lifetime, but I believe that’s only if we make it that way.
Grumpy muses on a song that brings back memories of younger days.
Remember what it was like when you were a kid? I do.
Our house had a single TV and the remote was either my younger brother or myself. That lone television only got CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS and a couple local channels that played Twilight Zone, The Dick Van Dyke Show and Love American Style. Also Get Smart and Leave it to Beaver.
Back in the day we entertained ourselves with our imaginations and it was fun.
Stop laughing at me. I know that makes me sound like my dad but it’s the truth. Sticks as guns and towels as capes will always be cool.
About a month ago I was cruising down the beach on my bike listening to the radio when a new song came on. The driving beat got my attention and the message in the song immediately inspired this post. Cue the music.
The synthesizer hangs out alone for a few seconds then is quickly replaced by bass and drums. The guitar waits a few more seconds before coming in with a hypnotic sound.
As soon as I heard the guitar I was 99% sure it was Metric and the vocals confirmed it. The first verse was intriguing. When the second verse started this post was metaphorically conceived.
Hangman
We played Double Dutch with a hand grenade
Behind the church
Hiding place
Apathetic to the devil’s face
Wear the Sheriff’s badge
Put your toys away
They let us go
Saying “Let us Pray!”
“Youth without youth,” is right I said as I pedaled while bobbing my head in a manner I’m pretty sure was mock worthy.
As far as I know Double Dutch is played with two official playground issue jump ropes and has no other component other than the kids in the middle trying to keep pace with the kids swinging the ropes in hopefully perfect unison.
I haven’t consulted the rulebook or anything but I would assume that bringing live grenades into the octagon (or playground or whatever they call a jump rope arena) has to be worth at least a five-minute recess break. I say take lunch recess away for a week and make them sit at the table by the dumpster.
As dads and as parents, what are we going to do about our youth growing up and not being youth?
I say that it’s our job to make sure that happens. My daughter will be 21 in April and I’ve done my best to make sure she had a childhood.
We need to hang out with our kids and let them know they’re loved and that we’re interested in them. Maybe, just maybe, they will find out something interesting about us.
Spending time with your kids is great, but set boundaries. My personal boundary is called The Robin Thicke and Glee Boundary.
I’m never to hear their music and prefer that their names not be mentioned in my presence. I’ll make an exception for, “Christina Auuilera is a little______,” or any variations thereof.
Do stupid things with your kids but keep in mind that you’re not in high school shape anymore. That’s important to remember. Also, stupid does NOT equal ignorant.
Doing stupid things does more than just build character. It also provides amusement for the parent as they watch their child die of embarrassment or go through Wii withdrawals.
Try to remember what you liked to do before technology and then do that with them.
I remember being a little kid and thinking that Pong was awesome. Now our kids are online killing terrorists with their virtual friends. We didn’t have virtual friends; we had imaginary friends and they were cool because, well, they just were.
Technology isn’t the only thing changing. When I was in my impressionable years, Oui was porn and 70’s-80’s era smut meant some woman in Penthouse had her shirt off. Or so I was told.
We they would try and sneak a peek at the local Stop-N-Go before the old guy behind the counter chased my friends out.
I did some research on how technology has enhanced the world of adult entertainment and I can only tell you that it’s not like the old days. Suffice it to say that whatever your kink or pleasure there are multiple websites for you to choose from.
Porn in 2012 starts when kids text nude photos to each other. Then when Johnny breaks up with Cindy because Becky offers new opportunities he shows the whole high school her naked pictures.
Hangman
We played blind mans bluff with the ninth brigade
Throw the brick through the window pane
Double Dutch til they stop the game
Til the cops show up
Handcuff stunned
They let us go
But we lost one
The way modern kids treat adults amazes me. It’s like the world owes them or something. They have no problem flipping off The Man right to his face. It’s like there’s no fear.
I guarantee that I was afraid of my dad. He didn’t beat me or anything, I just knew that if I stepped too far out of line I would have a conversation with my dad’s belt. You know what I mean.
The song hit me as a parent because our youth are truly growing up with less youth than you and me. Maybe not you, but definitely me.
Kids today have this mistaken belief that life is like a TV show. There may be some ups and downs but at the end of the season everyone ends up happy. Or dead in the case of a Grumpy much more famous than myself.
Last night I watched an episode of one of my favorite shows, Flashpoint, and this one featured a 16-year-old boy who went online pretending to be a girl with an abusive father.
The kid was getting a 17-year-old named Jimmy D. to do a public execution of his wealthy stepdad who he not so lovingly referred to as “Asshat.”
Jimmy had no fear whatsoever.
With a smartphone hanging from a lanyard this kid streamed armed robberies live to his website and his 467,000 loyal fans. Jimmy targeted CEOs and people in high power when they were with their colleagues.
But Jimmy wasn’t completely bad. He took the money he stole and gave it to adults who had befriended him and been kind to him when his family wasn’t around.
Jimmy D was Toronto’s version of Robin Hood, only with Wi-Fi and a stencil to leave his mark behind. Jimmy D is the poster boy for youth without youth.
Hangman
We played blind mans bluff til they stopped the game
Youth without youth
Born without time
Youth without youth
Can you read my mind?
This was inspired by Youth After Youth by Metric. Check it out.
Photo—Teenage boy with troubled expression from Shutterstock.
My family and I have started attending The Holy Name of Jesus for two Sundays now. I wish we have gone earlier because I really enjoy spending our Sundays there. Finally, we have found a Catholic prayer community to call our own.
After the Holy Mass, a praise and worship session follows which really moves me. The songs touch me and get me teary-eyed. One of the songs that moved me yesterday is "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. The song talks about rising above life's challenges and it did not only remind me of my own hurdles but also the times that I've become an obstacle to someone else's dreams.
I'm now listening to it over and over again; trying to learn to play the song by heart. I'm also letting Jasmine learn the praise and worship songs that are being played at The Holy Name of Jesus. We hope that, through music, she can also serve the Lord just as how I and my brother did when we were younger. Who knows, she may even grow up to make her own praise and worship songs (hmmm... I think I better start saving for a presonus studiolive 24.4.2 this early).
The Holy Name of Jesus is, as Beana says, the happiest place on earth. It's starting to heal me spiritually and I love how through it, I am getting closer back to the arms of the Lord.
