(Fingers in Ears) La La La La La

Let me do something very ridiculous right now. I am going to give all of you the secret formula (soon not to be so secret) for how to make Grumpy lose his mind. It is a simple recipe, so you can try this at home yourself. Ready? Here is what you have to do...

Don’t hear me.

That’s it. Don’t hear me.

Simple, yes? And, you might say, not that big of a deal. We all go unheard sometimes, and while, yes, it can be mildly irritating, most everyone learns to move on, right? It’s just that....well....I haven’t really learned that lesson very well.

It may be because I was the oldest in my family growing up and had my questions and observations constantly dismissed. It may be because I’ve suffered my share of grief in life because other people refused to hear what I was saying and I frequently had to live with the consequences. At any rate, it’s a sensitive issue for me. When I feel I’m not being heard, it sends my anxiety level right through the roof. Consequently all of my coping mechanisms are exagerated and filled with panic.

In other words. Get the straight jacket, because there is nothing like temporary insanity to really make a person not hear you, which leads to even greater anxiety and insanity. Its a one way ride I’ve been on several times.

And it’s also a ride I’ve taken too recently. In the past two months, three people have come into my life who are, each of them, extraordinarily bad listeners. Or at least they are unable or unwilling to hear what it is that I am saying. And as if this period of my life isn’t nutso enough, I found that I was suddenly repeating old habits of chandelier swinging and mouth foaming in an effort to get my points across to them. No wonder my calls aren’t being returned.

Well the madness seems to have passed now, thanks to a self imposed exile from blogging life and public appearances. And after a moment of calm, I reminded myself that I need to stop asking people to be who I want them to be, to stop hoping they will behave how I want them to behave, and mostly to stop requiring them to acknowledge what they refuse to hear in the first place. If they won’t hear it, then they aren’t giving me the minimum amount of respect I deserve from the people I let in my life. So they are no longer in my life.

And now, as the dust settles and I take down the padding from my walls, I return to my blog. To share a few more bits of self disclosure and foolishness with those who are still paying attention to what I say. Thanks for listening.