I blame Bieber

It’s Wednesday night and I’m sitting on the couch watching Criminal Minds when my adorable 19-year-old Drama Queen walks in the room and asks (right in the middle of the show), “Do hermaphrodites have chick dicks or do they have a mangina?” WTF???

“Uh…excuse me?” I replied. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “I said, do hermaphrodites have chick dicks or do they have a mangina?”

I explained that I heard her the first time and tried my hardest to not laugh out loud. I need you all to understand that these are words she did NOT learn at home. I swear to God. I didn’t teach her those.

I think Lady Gaga has brought hermaphrodites back to the masses. In the 80′s we had the Jamie Lee Curtis craze and today it’s Lady Gaga. I’m not sure where we ever settled on Jamie Lee and her junk, but I can tell you that Lady Gaga is one weird dude.

I don’t imagine that there would be too many positives to carrying both sets of gear, but when someone tells you to, “Go fuck yourself,” you can say, “OK. Now or when I get home?”





I tried to continue watching the show, but the reality is that I started wondering what the real answer to her question is.

I’m not sure how you should properly ask a person if they are a dude or a chick? Do you ask, “Do you carry dual citizenship?” Or is it more appropriate to ask, “Do you have both an innie and an outie?”

Personally I think a direct approach is best, however I think you can’t just come right out and ask it. You need to compliment him,shim,her the person first. Something like, “You know, you have a very nice set of breasts…word on the street is that you’re packing both sausage and the bun. Am I right?”

If a hermaphrodite was a talented basketball player, would they play in the NBA or the WNBA? If they were a golfer, would they have to qualify for the PGA or the LPGA? If they played pro tennis are they more likely to be in a final against Rafael Nadal or Serena Williams? OK. Maybe Serena isn’t a good example. Have you seen the guns on, uh, her?

Kids ask the weirdest stuff sometimes, huh? I have no clue what brought this on, but I’m guessing Justin Bieber had something to do with it. Why blame Justin Bieber? I don’t know. Osama is dead, so it seemed like the right move.









P.S. The truth is that there is nothing funny about being a hermaphrodite. It truly has to be a tough way to go through life. I couldn’t imagine the ridicule and harassment one would get in high school and in the real world. I would not wish that one anyone. Seriously.



P.S.S. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Osama Bin Laden. Duh.