Too Much Time On My Hands

Is it any wonder I’m not crazy?
Is it any wonder I’m sane at all?

Styx

Disclaimer for anyone below the age of 40: Yeah. This video is real. This was cutting edge stuff in 1981 If you’ve never watched a video in one of my blog posts, please check this one out. Normally I put it at the end, but in this case, you should probably watch it right where it is. If you have dizziness or balance problems, view with caution.

If I told you the photo was the cast of the 1970′s version of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, would you even question me? I didn’t think so. If it were true, the guy on the far right would be the interior decorator and the dude next to him would be the fashion/style expert. The one on the far left looks like he’d be some tekkie guy who gets angry at having to repeat himself to morons who just don’t get this cassette tape technology. His catch phrase would be, “It’s not rocket science, people.”

The guy in the front has creepy eyes and they look like they follow me wherever I go. It makes me feel all dirty to have him watching me. The blondie hanging out above him looks like he questions everything. “Really?” He would ask. “You’re using spaghetti? Why not use a wider noodle?” Then he would look at the camera, smile and wink. *shudder*
I’m gonna go ahead and ask the obvious question. Do those two blonde dudes in the picture look just a little too comfortable in that pose? I’m not saying they’re into each other, but I’m also not saying that it’s wrong if they were. All I’m saying is that they look like they’ve done that pose before. Like, maybe on the previous year’s Christmas cards. What do you think?
I had another song picked out for today, but reading Chopper Papa’s touching CB-rap post from yesterday got me thinking a bit. At the end of the thought process, this song is what was left standing. It’s hard to believe that a band full of dudes who look like pussies, could come out victorious over the other bands. Well done, guys. *Fist bump (with a BOOM)*
This blog post was intended to be a humorous, happy look at my life, but after watching the video, I decided to scrap that shit and just make it a running mockery of the whole damn thing.

Let’s start right at the beginning and the early 80′s-era CGI they have going on. I remember being a high school freshman and thinking those stupid looking things coming off the performers was cool and cutting edge. Now I find it old and sad. Not completely unlike my life from time to time.
There. I did it. I added something personal and poignant. Not it can officially be called more than a simple mockery. This post now has a little meat on ‘dem bones. Back to making fun of the Days of Disco.
That green jumpsuit was never cool to me. I would guess most people would agree with me on that and on the fact that the dude kind of looks like a pre-op trannie. He could pass for a chick with no cans. I guess. His buddy in the white uniform looking thing at least looks kind of manly. Kind of. Actually, no he doesn’t. His mullet is stupid and that thing he’s wearing looks like what I imagine the GLEE boys wear to bed at night.
Also, the guy wearing the GLEE outfit keeps bending over slightly at the waist and getting these looks on his face that make it appear as if he’s getting something jammed into him from behind. I’m not sure who is doing the jamming or what is being jammed, but it’s
kind of disturbing.
I think Dennis De Young is a great keyboard player and an excellent vocalist, but why does he have to do his stretching on stage? He is doing windmills, right? Also, what is he shooting at? Is there a mouse running across the keyboard? Bro, that move barely worked in School of Rock and it definitely does NOT work for you.
My (probably) final criticism of Mr. De Young is that the, “Pointing to the drummer” move is supposed to be dramatic and cool, but when you do it two beats before he starts playing, it looks stupid. And so do you. And those Bee Gee clothes aren’t helping your street cred at all. In fact, the combo of vest with carnation takes most of it away.
I started counting the “O” faces the dude in white kept making, but after the third one I felt kind of creepy and like I needed a shower, so I stopped counting. I’m guessing he made it somewhere around seven times. Maybe six. No matter how many he actually did, one was too many. It’s not a good look, bro. Seriously. No one thinks that’s sexy.
Next time green jumpsuit goes cruising he should ditch the arm thing. It’s distracting and also completely lame. That move might get him noticed in West Hollywood, but I wouldn’t know anything about that.
I’m not sure what ship the drummer works for, but you can be damn sure it’s not The Love Boat. Captain Stubing would never put up with that shit. Dude looks like he’s probably first mate on the Chum Guzzler. Yes, that was an Archer reference. Thanks for noticing.
There’s not much you can say about a bass player with a beard in a tuxedo. It was kind of Standard Operating Procedure back in the day. Although, I will give him bonus points for the updated tuxedo and not rolling with one of those powder blue varieties with the ruffled shirt. Also, the short beard is a nice break from the likes of ZZ Top or Allman Brothers.
As cool as his look is, that dance he did with De Young was
a bit, kind of, completely messed up. It served no purpose other than to creep me out. It was wrong. Just wrong.
That last half of the video more or less speaks for itself. Dude in green jumpsuit dry humps guy in GLEE jammies, guy in jumpsuit points to his wrist repeatedly as he sings, “Tick, tick, ticking away,” and mullet strikes out with the ladies. Until he whips out his plastic. All pretty standard stuff for it’s day.