The other day I’m sitting outside my store, enjoying a refreshing beverage (Coke Zero) on a sunny day, when suddenly my phone vibrated. I looked to see what it was and noticed it was an E-mail from KFC. I’m down with the Colonel and think his chicken is tasty, and that a 3-piece meal with mashed potatoes and slaw probably contains your weekly salt consumption, but it tastes good. So I opened the e-mail and saw that it was a coupon for popcorn chicken. I was kind of hungry, so I took a moment to ponder popcorn chicken.
I remembered the TV ads when KFC first introduced their smaller-than-bite size product and on the commercial they would ask, “What part of the chicken is the nugget?” My first reaction was probably the standard one. “Yeah. What part of the chicken is the nugget? This whole nugget thing is just a scam perpetrated by The Man.” OK. Maybe you didn’t think that, but I probably did.
Then I had another thought. I spoke this one out loud and directed it at the voice-over dude. “Wait a minute, asshole. What part of the fuckin chicken is the popcorn?” Then I looked at my friend and said, “Do they think we’re fuckin stupid to fall for this bullshit?” (I used to swear more than I do now. Seriously).
Looking at the e-mail the other day instantly sparked an idea for a blog post. The Colonel is a hypocrite. I think I’ve easily proven that point in the first three paragraphs. Am I the only one who sees the idiocy in this?
Who the hell oversees the Marketing Department? Do they all sit around a table taking bong rips and spewing out the occasional idea? I picture it much like That 70′s Show, only everyone is Ashton Kutcher and Fez. I picture it something like this:
Guy 1: [Takes a long hit and holds it in as long as he can. He slowly exhales.] Hey….I don’t even think the nugget is a part of the chicken.
Guy 2: [Very glassy-eyed.] “Oh wow. I never thought about that…”
Boss: [Completely baked.] “Yeah. YEAH!!! I like it. Nice job, Niedermayer.”
Guy 1 [A.K.A. Niedermayer]: “Thanks. Uh, nice job for what, sir?”
Boss: “For the God-damned chicken nugget idea. Duh. Don’t bogart that bowl. Pass that shit down this way.”
I can totally see it going down like that. What the hell KFC? Do you think we’re all morons and don’t see through your shenanigans? Are we blind to the hypocrisy on which this advertising campaign is based? Apparently we are, because years later, the Colonel is still slingin’ popcorn chicken to the masses.
We’ve clearly established the hypocritical angle, now lets play the race card. There have been many stories about the Colonel leaving some of his chicken fortune to the Klan and about how he was openly racist. I’m not here to debate that stuff. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn’t. The only thing we know is that he whips up a mean chicken dinner. I have, however, run across some photos which I believe offer indisputable evidence that the modern day Colonel has no problem poking fun at African-Americans.
Of course, he doesn’t have the balls to do it in North America, so he unleashes his (alleged) racism in Japan. How racist is he? Look for yourself.
Is that crazy or what? Are we to assume that when Asians picture watermelon that they automatically think chicken? That’s the way I see it. The Colonel stands there is a kimono (note that I didn’t call it a robe), holding a big slice of watermelon as an enticement to get people to shell out their hard-earned yen for his Southern treat.
Japan isn’t the only country where the Colonel insults an entire race of people. They did it in Australia as well. This Youtube clip speaks for itself.
When confronted with the fact that their commercial clearly showed black people can be bought with fried chicken, KFC says context matters. “How to Silence a Noisy Crowd” aired during an Australia-West Indies cricket match. Oh. OK. I guess that makes it all better. Not. I bet a lot of Klan members are gonna start vacationing at Australian KFC’s so they feel right at home.
As long as we’re (and by, “We”, I of course mean, “Me) rippin on the Colonel, I think he may also be a fraud. No, I’m not talking about how he allegedly ripped off the recipe for his 11 herbs and spices, I’m talking about that stupid cane of his.
Does the Colonel really walk with a limp? I don’t know. All I know is he carries it around with him. Is it to beat his minions when they don’t change the grease often enough? Is it to look cool? Or is it just because the Colonel is a douche?
Also, the dude was never a real military Colonel. He enlisted in the Army at 16 after he falsified his birth certificate and served a few years in Cuba, then moved home to Kentucky where he started cooking for people at his service station. Some governor gave him the title, “Kentucky Colonel” and the whole thing spiraled from there. When he finally kicked it in 1980, his body laid in state at the Kentucky Capitol Building.
I’m not cracking on Kentucky, but seriously. How did that conversation go? Did some redneck Senator say, “Hey. Did you hear that chicken feller died? Let’s put him in the Capitol Building for a couple of days. It’s December 16 and the Christmas lights are already up. [Spits in a cup] It might just be a fittin tribute to the finest man our state has ever produced. C’mon. Let’s go watch the Dukes of Hazzard.” It probably didn’t go down quite like that, but I bet I’m not far off.
P.S. Now that I think about it, that whole, “What part of the chicken is the nugget?” thing was actually Carl’s Jr. and not KFC. My bad. It doesn’t matter. The Colonel is probably still a hypocrite.
P.S.S. If you think the P.S. was a joke, it’s not. I seriously just realized it was Carl’s Jr. after I proofed it the second time. I must be hallucinating. I’m going to bed. Good night.
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