I’ll have you know, sir

I pity your children.

I’m not changing the name of the person who e-mailed me because, well, because I don’t really want to. Sorry if that makes me a dick, but he e-mailed me knowing full well I was a blogger. So, if you think about it, it’s really his own fault. Yeah. Sweet.
If you blog, you know what this is about. I get weird e-mails from people asking me to put stupid ads on my blog. “How stupid?” You ask. Pretty stupid. Like this MENSA who sent me one early last month.
Hi there.
Quick question for you, Benjamin– Wondering if you here at Benjamin's blogs could find use in a text link advert to support the site? There’s an applicable client I’m working with who’s currently paying upfront for a year. I’d like to follow up for details, should you have interest.
Thanks for the time.
Logan

So I replied.
What is the link for?
Sent from my iPhone

Yeah, I know it was brief. I was at the grocery store when I got the e-mail. He promptly replied.

Thanks for getting back, Benjamin – I was in need of a single text link placed within a sentence & the client is the website for a trusted UK Bingo company we’ve contracted with. I can pay you $80.00 to post the link for one year. This is paid upfront (via Paypal or check).
Let me know what you’re thinking when you can.
Logan

Two aisles later I read that message and for some reason it really miffed me. I get these same e-mails several times a week and it’s always for stupid bullshit like bullet resistant glass or custom patio covers and I always wonder where these people got my blog info. I usually blow them off, but that day I was feeling feisty. So I replied.

Seriously? What on my site makes you think people would be interested in bingo? No thanks and please don’t contact me again for any reason.
Sent from my iPhone

If you think that e-mail was harsh, you should know I deleted the F word early on as well as the phrase ,”God damned” just before , “Bingo.” What I sent was the milder version. Believe it or not he actually replied. Even though I specifically said not to. Whatever.
I’m going to tell you what he said next, but you have to realize that when I read it, I immediately said, “What a douche,” out loud as I was standing in front of the dairy section. All I ask is that as you read it to yourself, simply say, “What a douche,” out loud. Like I did. It will be fun. Trust me.
I’ll have you know, sir, that men, women and children of all ages and racial
backgrounds find joy and even comfort in the artful game of bingo.
I pity your children.
Good day.
Logan

What a douche.




P.S. In case you were wondering, I’m e-mailing this link to Logan. Does anyone seriously, “Find comfort” in bingo or is it merely a socially acceptable way to feed their gambling addiction?