FYI…It’s called “Adultery” and it’s one of the Ten Commandments. Check it out sometime.
I was in the shower Saturday night when a thought ran through my head. I have no idea why this thought ran through my head or where it came from, but it was there.
I stood there a moment, body puff (there has to be a more manly name for that) and body wash in hand, and I realized that this had the makings of a rad blog post. So I set them down, half-ass dried myself off, ran across the hall to my room, grabbed my little idea notebook and scribbled “Amy Grant is a whore. Jim Bakker/Swaggert”.
I then returned to the shower and began thinking about what else I could write. I slid the curtain open, reached for my iPhone, and text a friend, who I use as a muse.
I text this muse and said, “I’m in the shower and had an idea for a blog post. Besides Amy Grant, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart, can you think of any other Bible thumpers who got caught cheating on their spouses?’
The response? “Sadly no. You naked and wet is all I can think about.” I wasn’t sure if she was serious or if she was mocking me. I choose to believe she was serious, though the mocking seems a legitimate possibility.
My next thought was that as soon I type the phrase, “Bible thumpers” I will have the whole right wing up my ass. Then I realized that Bible thumpers don’t read my blog and if they do, they’re not very good ones. Plus, I don’t really care what they think.
Why did I call Amy Grant a whore? Because she is. Who is Amy Grant? In case you don’t know, she was the Christian Pop Princess who got caught banging Vince Gill. I couldn’t remember all the sordid details, so I Google’d “Amy Grant whore”. Here’s the Readers Digest version.
Amy was married to Gary Chapman when she “allegedly” started nailing Vince. She divorced Gary and married Vince. Several years later the new happy couple ended up on the cover of Good Housekeeping.
I used “allegedly” in the last paragraph because some Jesus freaks will try and make you believe that Amy and Gary were already divorced when she started seeing Vince. You and I know that’s a crock of shit. They don’t want their precious diva to look like a harlot. But she is. Big time.
Before you go thinking that I have a problem with God, relax. I don’t. I like the G-man and I’m pretty sure he kind of digs me. My problem is with Christians who strut their morality for all to admire, then get busted for being, well, human.
If you’re going to get up in front of the world and say, “If you follow God, you should model your life after me,” you ought not be boning people who aren’t your spouse.
I heard that Amy’s husband had a drug problem and that’s what led to the divorce. I understand that, but Amy had an infidelity problem. They were both smoking something/someone they shouldn’t have been and the reality is that neither one is a good thing.
If you think Amy Grant is the only high-profile “Goddie” who enjoyed sex outside of marriage, you’re mistaken. Jim Bakker nailed Jessica Hahn and paid her to keep her mouth shut about the sexual relationship and about the fact that he ripped off the followers of his PTL Club (Praise The Lord) for more than $3.4 million.
Bakker was sentenced to 45 years in federal prison for his criminal activities and fellow televangelist Jerry Falwell called Bakker a liar, an embezzler, a sexual deviant, and “the greatest scab and cancer on the face of Christianity in 2,000 years of church history”.
Sucks to be you Jim Bakker. I hope no one rapes you in prison the way you raped people out of their money, thinking it was going to do the work of the Lord and instead was paying for hotels so you could bang a skanky church sexretary secretary.
Anyone remember the famous 1988 scandal involving televangelist Jimmy Swaggart? The short version is that he found out a major New Orleans holy-roller minister, named Marvin Gorman, was having several affairs and he ratted him out, thus getting Gorman “defrocked” (un-pastor-ized).
Gorman was pissed for being ratted out and had his son and son-in-law stake out the Travel Inn, where they took photos of Swaggart entering and exiting a room with a known prostitute. Gorman blackmailed Swaggart, who basically told him, “Bite me.”
Gorman blew the whistle on Swaggart and a short time later we all heard the famous “I have sinned, ” speech. “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness.”
Swaggart didn’t learn his lesson and in 1991 he was stopped by the California Highway Patrol in the middle of nowhere (Indio, California) for driving down the wrong side of the road. The officer asked the woman in the car with Swaggart what she was doing with him. Her reply is priceless.
“He asked me for sex. I mean, that’s why he stopped me. That’s what I do. I’m a prostitute.” Rather than man up and admit he likes to bang the occasional ho, he told the members of his congregation, “The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.” Uh, if they give you their money it’s absolutely their business, asswipe!
These are but three of the reasons I have a problem with a lot of organized religion. Too many people figure out they can make a buck off God, then behave in ways the majority of us would never consider acting.
By no means are all churches like this and in fact, I would say that the vast majority of churches in the United States are doing good things. But when you use people like this as the window to the church, don’t be surprised when we get turned off to your shtick.
My final comments are directed to those that will back Amy Grant and call me a douchebag for saying what I said. Yeah, her affair is controversial. Do I have proof that she had an affair? No. Do you have proof that she didn’t? Your answer to me had better be no! The bottom line is, only a small handful of people know what really went down with that, but perception is reality. FYI…It’s called “Adultery” and it’s one of the Ten Commandments. Check it out sometime.
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