Dateline:Thursday night. My bed.
There I was, desperately trying to fall asleep. No mater how hard I tried, I couldn’t shut down my brain and drift off to the peaceful slumber I desired. Thought after random thought passed through my mind and at one point I had an epiphany. Or a revelation. One of the two. I immediately reached over to the night stand and fumbled to get my glasses and phone. Once I cleaned the fresh thumbprint off the right lens, I texted the Muse.
I’ve come to the conclusion that you and the Rules of Engagement chick look a lot alike and that a three way with you and her would be kinda rad. Just thought you would want to know.
Please keep in mind that both she and I know what I said was a joke. When I awoke this morning I found this waiting for me.
OK. But if Daniel Craig becomes available, you have to be willing to do the same thing.
I thought about that for a moment before I responded.
Daniel Craig? No thanks. I’ll sit that one out. If you had said Ryan Reynolds, I would consider it, but I’m gonna pass on playing cowboy with James Bond’s alien.
After reading her Daniel Craig response, I knew this was a blog post in the making, so I grabbed my headphones and iPod before sitting down to a bowl of boysenberry almond granola with vanilla soy milk, a container of Greek yogurt (honey), fresh blackberries and green tea. Cranking my “Dope Tunes” playlist (seriously), I blasted some loud music while letting this post brew in my noggin. About half-way through my granola, I knew how I wanted to start it.
I could totally see me and the Muse as the married couple from Rules of Engagement. I could pull off the Patrick Warburton character with ease and if David Spade needed a week off, I could probably fill in for him as well. I know this will be hard for most of you to believe, but I couldn’t torture my assistant the way Spade does. Don’t get me wrong. I could do some of that stuff, but not all of it.
The truth is, that I would love to have a relationship like Patrick Warburton and Megyn Price have on TV. They screw with each other constantly and each always tries to “win”, but they love each other and are very happy together. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.
Last week’s episode started when Audrey (the Muse) and Jeff (me) meet their lesbian surrogate mother for breakfast at their favorite diner. Jeff made a wiener joke, which started the show off on a high note. The next exchange was classic married couple. The waitress comes to take their order and I can totally picture this happening with the Muse.
Jeff: I’ll have scrambled eggs, pancakes
Audrey: No
Jeff: And hash browns and bacon.
Audrey: No. No. No. No. There’s no one growing inside of you. He’ll have egg whites, dry toast, fruit and turkey bacon.
Jeff: Turkey. A stupid, lean flightless bird.
Audrey: You remember what the doctor said about your cholesterol.
Jeff: He was impressed.
Audrey: Yeah. That you’re alive.
The episode goes on and on until near the end when Audrey finds barbecue sauce on Jeff’s collar along with a wet nap in his wallet. Jeff decided to lie and say he wasn’t eating greasy food with the lesbian surrogate, but rather he was having an affair. Needless to say, mama wasn’t buyin’ it.
My favorite line from the episode? It came from Timmy Patel, the personal assistant from India by way of South Africa. “No. I go with you because you’ve made it my job to stand next to you as you spew crude double entendres at women who are just this side of street walkers.” Either that or when he asked David Spade, “Did anyone ask who invited Hall from Hall & Oates?” The waitress asking, “Where’s the little sex offender you’re always with” is pretty good too.
One last thing on Megyn Price. Assuming everyone was cool with the situation (of course), I would totally go for that. She’s like the “mom-next-door-MILF” The sad reality is that it will never happen, so I guess I’ll just continue to spend my Thursday nights watching CBS and living vicariously through their fun, dysfunctional loving relationship.
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