If I were lesbian

…she’s nerdy hot. Me likey.





Sunday night at 9:01 I was NOT sitting on the couch watching Family Guy. Instead I was sitting on my bed, eating Almonds and watching videos for Music Monday on Benjamin's Blogs. I was also texting The Muse.
She asked if my friends and I ever had the “If I were gay” conversation. I told her that guys don’t have that conversation, they have the “If I were lesbian” talk. That got me to thinking. I really had nothing better to write about, so why not take this idea and expound on it…

If I were lesbian…
I was in downtown Los Angeles one Sunday morning several years ago. I was heading to Roscoe’s House of Chicken n Waffles for some breakfast. Yes. I eat fried chicken and waffles for breakfast. Dinner too. It’s the shit, but not the subject of this post.
As I approached the restaurant I realized it was Pride Parade morning. Roscoe’s was jammed and as I waited, I noticed a mannish girl wearing a t-shirt which said “I (heart) Vagina.” She walked past me and I pointed to her shirt and said, “Hey! Me too.” The look she gave me told me she wasn’t impressed. Oops.
I like boobs, but I also like a nice ass. The boobs don’t have to be huge, but they should be nice. And they should be a reasonable match. There’s nothing worse than the right one being much smaller than the left. Or vice versa.
Yeah…If I were a lesbian I would definitely be more lipstick then butch. I’d have a little edge about me (like Jo from Facts of Life)., but I would look all sexy and shit (like Mallory from Family Ties).
If I were a lesbian I’m not sure what color hair I would have. Being a blond would be too cliche, so I guess I would want to be a tall, sexy redhead with big cans. I would prefer them to be natural, but I wouldn’t be above shopping for a nice pair.
I was thinking about what type of chick I could realistically score if I was a lesbian. Since I don’t plan on being an ugly lesbian (but then again, who plans for that, right?) I think I would attract a pretty decent sort of woman. I would like one who is smart, cute and can fix shit around the house. I’m not good at the whole home improvement thing.
I’ve compiled a short list of: Chicks I Would Bang If I Were Lesbian. I’m going to start in the 80′s because that’s likely when I would have come out.

Both sisters from Too Close For Comfort. But not the mom.
Suzanne Somers from Threes Company. The other blond chick who replaced her too. The tall, dumb one.
Heather Locklear. T.J. Hooker. Melrose Place. Posters. Motley Crue. Take your pick of where you know her from. She’s delish. I once gave her friend my underwear when we were all at the Hard Rock in Beverly Hills. Totally true story.
Katey Sagal. Peg Bundy from Married With Children. One afternoon with me and she would forget all about Al. I wouldn’t do Marcie though. That dude looks kinda rough.
Christina Applegate. Peg Bundy’s daughter from Married With Children. This is as close as I would ever get to pulling a mother-daughter train, so I’m going for it!
Jenny McCarthy. She’s been in Playboy, is funny and farts. She is mmmm mmmm good!
Carmen Elektra. Watching those babies bounce on Baywatch was awesome. She’s a bit of a mess, but very, very do-able.
Marisa Tomei. Do I even need to explain? Seriously?
Liz Phair. Singer. For some stupid reason I thought she used to be in Veruca Salt. Portia di Rossi of Arrested Development. She’s already lesbian, so I don’t have to convince her to switch teams. Cool.
Mary Louise Parker. She’s the pot dealing mom from Weeds. If you’ve seen the show, you totally know she would consider a woman.
Tina Fey. Whether on Saturday Night Live or 30 Rock, she’s nerdy hot. Me likey.
Most of the girls Charlie Sheen is banging. I have a feeling nearly all of them would.

This list in in no way complete. Please let me know who I left off or who you would like to be with if you were a lesbian. I don’t really think it matters whether I was lesbian or I was straight; all I want is a woman who makes me happy. That would be some cool shit.