Musical Families for $200, Alex

This is what you get when you cross Jeopardy with one of those, “Hardhitting” VH-1 Rockumentaries.
The other day I was doing some writing with iTunes in full shuffle mode. About an hour in, I heard Wilson Phillips. A couple songs later, The Wallflowers oozed into my headphones. For some reason, this started me thinking about the fact that these two groups feature children of parents with Rock and Roll Hall of Fame credentials.

“How many other singers are there with parents who rocked out?” I asked myself. I immediately eliminated Kelly Osbourne because, lets face it, the chick sings slightly better than I do and I sing like shit. Mulling this over in my head, I spontaneously began inventing questions in a Jeopardy sort of way. Here’s what my brain spewed forth:
ALEX TREBEK: Welcome to Jeopardy. Poindexter, as our returning champion, you have the honor of selecting first.
POINDEXTER: [said with a very strong nasal tone] Thanks, Alex. I’d like Musical Families for $100
ALEX: Dad will have an achey-breaky heart when this child gets arrested Lohan-style.
BEN: Who is Miley Cyrus.
ALEX: Correct.
BEN: I know. That’s why I said it. Musical Families for $200
ALEX: This is what you get when you take two daughters of a crazy, drug addicted over eater and cross them with a blond chick whose parents worked with a woman who died from a ham sandwich.
BEN: Who are Wilson Phillips.
ALEX: Correct. Choose again.
BEN: Musical Families for $300
ALEX: He can pronounce his words. His father? Not so much.
BEN: Oh. Who is Jakob Dylan. Musical Families for $400.
ALEX: This pop star had a pop who hung out with a redneck hippie.
BEN: Oh…Uh…who is, um…Enrique Iglesias?
ALEX: You’re on a roll.
BEN: Thanks bro. Lets close out this thing. I’ll take Musical Families for $500.
ALEX: This drug addicted singer came from musical “ROYALTY”, but had a very forgettable career.
BEN: [Getting more worked up than I probably should] Who is Natalie Cole!
During the next break, the guy on the end said my knowledge of current music was fascinating. “How do you know all that?” He inquired. “Easy,” I said. “I have a life. There’s more than living in mom’s basement and creeping out the patrons at your local library.” The director guy counted us down and Alex went into full on ass-kissing mode. “First we have our returning champion. Say hello to Poindexter McDorkus. Poindexter has won over $200,000, and has yet to kiss a girl.” The audience giggled, while I just rolled my eyes. “VIRGIN,” I coughed in a non-discreet way. After getting a nasty glare from the host, I looked at the chick next to me.
“Welcome our first challenger, Sally DaProody. Sally has a PhD. in Library Science and spends her free time at the Library of Congress.” With that, Alex turned to me and said, “Finally, we have Benjamin Valadez. Benjamin, it says here that you’re a single father, a budding blogger and a part-time douche bag. How do you find time for all that?” I looked past him and straight into the camera. “I’ll tell you Alex,” I said, as I leaned on the podium. “It’s taken me a while to learn this, but I’ve found if you put a little extra effort into the douchiness, the rest just kind of falls into place.” Ten seconds later, the director cleared his throat loudly, waking Alex out of his stupor.
ALEX: Ben It’s your board.
BEN: Damn straight. Let’s take Musical Families for $200.
[Yeah. I know they don't use the same category in both rounds, but it's my imagination. Plus, I had more than five I wanted to mock.]
ALEX: This crackhead has an aunt who talks to ghosts.
BEN: [snorting] Uh…who is Whitney Houston.
ALEX: That’s right. Her aunt is, of course, Dionne Warwick.
BEN: Yeah, yeah. Let’s keep going. Musical Families for $400.
ALEX: This family featured a teen idol, high powered lawyer and a guy who picked up a trannie.
BEN: Who are the Partridge Family. Excuse me, but when do the hard ones start?
ALEX: Musical Families for $600?
 BEN: Duh.
ALEX: This child’s father died while pushing one out.
BEN: Who is Lisa Marie Presley. [Under my breath] BOOM!
ALEX: Musical Families for $800. This singer must have…excuse me. Is there a problem?
BEN: Huh? Oh. My bad. I was just asking Library of Congress over here, what she was looking at. Then I told her I was running the table because I listen to music written after 1600. Please continue.
ALEX: As I was saying, This singer mush have been “HIGH” when he wrote his one “HIT”.
BEN: [Rubbing my scalp fervently]
ALEX: We need an answer please.
BEN: [Light bulb goes off in head] Snap. Who is Tal Bachman.
ALEX: That’s correct. Son of Canuck Randy Bachman of Bachman-Turner Overdrive, eh.
BEN: Whatever. Let’s get to the money shot.
ALEX: Uh…yeah. For One thousand dollars, If 3/4 of this band were in bed with you, it would definitely leave you breathless.
BEN [Staring straight into the red light on top of the camera.] Who. Are. The Corrs.
ALEX: That’s correct. And you are tonight’s new champion. [Again, I know it's not like real Jeopardy, but I figured this post was long enough]
BEN: Thanks Alex. I have a quick question. When will I get my check? The reason I ask, is I want to get this guy a medium quality prostitute before he leaves town. You know. To celebrate his reign on top.
ALEX: Join us tomorrow, on Jeopardy.
BEN: I’ll be back, biznitches. Peace.

Let the Porn Star Read

PORN STAR DEFENDS READING TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILDREN AFTER PARENT OUTRAGE

               Adult film star Sash Grey read to Los Angeles elementary school students.       

Hal Jordan and His Merry Men

I’ll be straight with you. When I saw Van Wilder jacking off a dog, I never imagined the ring would choose him. That was some sick shit.


It’s probably obvious from the caption above that I just saw Green Lantern starring Van Wilder hisself, Mr. Ryan Reynolds. Friday late afternoon, I’m chillin in my
writing space
hovel, when I remembered I have two promo codes from Redbox. I hopped on the computer, located the flick at a partially-convenient location outside a nearby Walgreens, and boom. Ten minutes later it was wham, bam, thank you Redbox.


I returned home where I took Shadow (Our dog) out to do her biz. After leaving the present for my daughter, I poured a bowl of Fritos and grabbed the chipotle salsa. After that it was time to settle back in my chair and press play.
Please don’t judge me for my choice of snack. My selection was limited to Pop Corn and a half bottle of water. The Fritos was unopened and thus had the most to offer the situation. For the record, Drama Queen is in the mountains with her mom. It’s just me, the dog, Fritos and a 1/2 bag of pop corn, no ice and no Diet Coke..

Here’s my first question. There may be more, but I’m not sure. I’m using the force with this blog post and letting The Big Kahuna guide me. Aloha everyone.
I’m not a huge Tim Robbins fan, so when I saw him get sucked into that black, firey cloud guy, I was all, “Hell yeah!” Does that make me an ass? I mean, it’s only a character and not the real Tim Robbins, so it’s probably OK that I found pleasure in his demise.
I think the next movie should be Hal Jordan with the red dude, the pug on steroids and the fish. They look like a ragtag bunch and lets face it, who doesn’t like a ragtag bunch. These four have the power to be bigger and better than Hellboy and his crew, so they need a cool name. Hal Jordan and His Merry Men sounds kind of, uh, you know. I would go with the Green Team, but that sounds too environmental. Whatever. It’s not my problem.
The girl who played his squeeze was pretty cute too. I’m not sure who she is, but she’s definitely worth saving. At this point you’re probably asking yourself why I said I wasn’t sure who she is. Yeah, I could Google, “Green Lantern cast,” but frankly, I’m lazy and don’t feel like taking my hands off the keyboard to use the track pad. You probably feel let down at my sloth, and for that I apologize. I promise to try and make it up to you.
As Hal Jordan was getting his ass kicked by the pug and the red dude, I began realizing that I’m a lot like Hal Jordan. On the inside. On the outside he blows me away, plus he has a killer job and a lot of cash. Hal Jordan’s life was a show. He pretended to be fearless, but his peeps saw through it.
I’m scared. A lot. Scared for my health. Scared that I’m not raising my daughter the best way. Scared that one night a skunk will wander into my hovel and unload on my bed. But most of all, I’m afraid that I will be a success. How fucked up is that?
BTW, I cannot believe that I’m somehow turning this into a sentimental, inspirational thing. That wasn’t my intent at the outset. You have my apologies. Considering the bottle is now empty, it’s most likely The Big Kahuna talking. Back to playing Siskel and Ebert. Does anyone know how Siskel could die before Ebert? I mean, that guy was a heart attack in a jacket and slacks.
I was told by several people that the movie was crap. Others told me it was pretty good, while yet a third group told me it was OK. I’d say it was a pretty decent flick. Nice eye candy, without the gratoutious cleavage. That’s both a positive and a negative. Reynolds was pretty good and I really liked the pug, fish and red dude. It’s definitely worth $1.20 (plus tax).

Do you think Hal Jordan ever harnessed the power of the ring when he was with his chick. I figure he had to try it at least once. What do you think?                                                                                                          

My Two Cents–Penn State

I apologize in advance if this gets, uh, animated. It could possibly be the best 4:45 of your day. Or maybe not. I guess you’ll have to look and find out.

Douche of the Week–Soccer

All the Euros and soccer honks can sit back down. I’m not dissing the world’s most popular game. Please continue to read and I’m pretty sure you’ll be as appalled as I am.







VICTORVILLE, CA:
Saturday morning I was on Twitter when @VirtualMom tweeted about her kids soccer games being an hour late because someone stole the goals. Yes, you read that correctly. Someone stole the goals from a soccer field. Word from the snack bar is apparently that the a-holes in question also hit another local field.
I want to know first off, who does shit like this? It takes a special kind of douchebag to steal goals from a kids soccer field. The next thing I want to know is, why? What purpose would they have for doing it? Was it just to be dicks or is it the parents of some middle school soccer phenom and they needed some goal posts in their backyard so Junior can get better? Finally, where do you hide them without attracting any unwanted attention?
It obviously takes more than one person to jack some goalposts off a field, which is why I use the word, “They” and not, “Him”. Or her. It could be a chick. If it is a woman, I bet her ex played on those fields and she’s likely on her period, which COULD (not WILL) make her irrational. Using that implausible scenario you can see how it could possibly be a woman. I don’t know that for sure, it’s just a theory. I mean, I’m not ready to take it to the cops or anything, but I could see it happening.
Please join me in raising a glass to the people who stole fun and much needed exercise to many little tykes who dwell in the I.E. (That’s Inland Empire, or Inbred Empire, depending on who you ask) When they find you I hope they let a bunch of soccer hooligans go all World Cup on your ass. You totally deserve it.



P.S. Big thanks to Virtual Mom using her sources in the snack bar to break this story. There’s not a Pulitzer on the line, but I will give her a hearty fist-bump. With a, “Pow” at the end.

The Middle

Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.

Saturday morning I was sitting down to see if I could write and, as I often do, I clicked on Pandora. I looked at the screen for a moment and perused my options. “Am I in a 90′s Alternative Grunge mood, or would Today’s Alternative Radio be better?” I pondered that question for a moment as I continued to look. I also had 80′s Alternative that seemed to be calling to me, but only from a distance. I could listen to my Zwan channel (a band Billy Corrgan of the Smashing Pumpkins put together between visits to rehab) or to my personal fav, Kick Ass Shit, but neither of those seemed right for the situation.
I decided I wanted something more current and clicked on the Today’s Alternative Radio button and I was off to the races. After the last few seconds of the Harvey Danger song I was last listening to, it kicked to a Vista Print ad, then a familiar song began to play. It was The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. I dig the song and I started listening as I opened Chapter 14 on my computer.
I’ve heard this song 1,000 times over the years, but I will admit that I never paid much attention to the lyrics. For some reason, this morning I really heard the lyrics and to use a tired cliche, “They spoke to me.” I know it sounds like a far-fetched tale, but I was moved by the lyrics of a band that I once called a, “One hit wonder.” To be fair, I called them that until they came out with Pain, then I said they were a two hit wonder. At that moment I was struck by a profound thought. Better to be a one hit wonder, than a no hit wonder.
As I said, I started listening to the lyrics and I was moved by their message. Seriously. I can take a break for a moment if you care to laugh out loud. [PAUSE] OK. Back to the blog post. The lyrics carry a message that I need to hear right now and I was struck by the timing of hearing the song.
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.
I’m struggling with believing in myself, but I have to say I’ve been feeling much better lately. I’m actually a bit ahead of where I wanted to be on Sunday night and I’m on a roll that I don’t want to stop. I’ve also noticed that I don’t get down on myself as much as I used to. On occasion I will still ask myself, “What the hell was that?” But Its getting less frequent.
I finally feel like I’m back in my groove and that I’m starting to write like I know I can. It’s a cool feeling and one I hope stays around for a while. Be glad you can’t see me as I bounce around my mancave/hovel/writing area as I sing in my very shitty voice.
It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

P.S. I’m not calling myself a little girl. I’m just keeping it true to the lyrics and shit. Also, the fuzzy bear in the tightie whities is a nice touch.

Wordless Friday–Jesus loves the little children

Leave me your best caption for this picture.


















P.S. Before you judge me for this, remember that some company made this. A christian bookstore also stocked it and sold it. And some holy roller Christian or devout Catholic purchased it and very likely put it in the nursery. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.
P.S.S. I’m probably going to hell for this. What do you think? Am I getting off the hook or not?

Magnificent Moms–Vodka Mom

It was his BALL!! It got all big and purple!







Shortly after I began churning out this drivel in December of 2009, I ran across a blog titled, Vodka Mom. Any blog with booze in it’s name has to be worth checking out, so I did. And I laughed. Kind of hard. And then I started following her.
The recently divorced kindergarten teacher is a BlogHer regular. and she runs frequent posts at Vodka Mom. She blogs in between the grueling task of grading finger paintings and paper bag puppets. She’s a well respected Mom Blogger, having made the Babble Top 50.
Vodka Mom answered a few of my random questions and I think her answers gives insight to who Vodka Mom really is. When you’re done, please click on the VODKA MOM link at the bottom of the post. She’s worth your time. I’ll vouch for her.

Not that I give a shit about labels, but you’ve recently gone from Mom Blogger to Single Mom Blogger. That’s gotta be difficult. Was it?
It was one the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. (And I’ve done some pretty hard stuff.) I finally realized that I am the only one who is responsible for my own happiness. I want my kids to know that each person deserves respect, honesty and affection. It’s up to each of us to make sure that this is what we get.
I am doing this for them, but more importantly for me. I’m worth it.

In all your years teaching Kindergarten, you have to have some bitchin stories. Give me the Top Three.

Top THREE? Oh my Lord, I don’t even know where to begin. The ones I remember most? I’ll give it a shot.
• The first year I was teaching kindergarten I was giving a phonics test to each child to determine where they “were” in terms of ability. I pulled them aside one at a time. I pointed to pictures and asked Jack to tell me what they were. He looked at the third one and said,
“What the HELL is that?”
He looked at me- and I looked at him.
“Did you say what I thought you said?” I asked.
“Yep.” He nodded.
Well then. How about you don’t say that in school. Okay? Okay.
Next picture.
• That next month (still my first year in kindergarten) I had ALL four classes sitting ready for a movie. One of my little girls raised her hand an I SHUSHED the WHOLE GROUP to get them quiet for her question. She mumbled something, and I couldn’t hear her. I made her stand up and repeat it. She screamed, “My VAGINA IS RED AND ITCHY!”
“Um. Okay. Well, alrighty, go to the nurse then. “
3. (And one of my all time fav.’s.) Shedaziah: “My brother’s eye is swollen and we don’t know why.”
Ryan: “ My brother was swollen one time in his private parts (pointing to his crotch). It was his BALL!! It got all big and purple! It looked like a big purple grape!
Me: Uh. Okay. Well. Sharing is over..
Do you have a legit fear that your kids will come into your room and kill you? Is it a cry for help or is it simple humor?
I think I’m done worrying about that. I’ve written just about ALL I CAN WRITE and they still love me. I don’t get it.
When did Vodka Mom hit the web and how did it start? [Please don’t say, “Well I was drinking a martini and… unless that’s how it really happened.]
I was writing a column for the local paper, this was about five years ago, when a mother of an old student of mine told me that she was a mommy blogger! She had been reading my column, loved it, explained blogging to me. I got online and started reading! I was hooked.
I had always written- mostly at night, or when the mood struck me. I have tons of envelopes, scraps of paper, and journals filled with thoughts and stories from over the years. She helped me start my blog, and I was given an amazing gift. I finally, FINALLY had somewhere to write about my thoughts, stories, anecdotes, fears and dreams. It filled a whole in my life that I didn’t even know existed- and I’ll forever be thankful to her!!
What has Vodka Mom got in the pipe. [Be warned that if you say, “crack” I will not only publish it, but send the link to every school in, uh, wherever you live. Just say no to drugs, yo.]
I am working furiously on “The Book of Frank.” I am sending to an agent friend of mine- and if he passes on it then I am going to self-publish and e-book! Oh, and I’m also doing this little, tiny thing called a JOB!!
Also, I am basically working on making it through EACH DAY alive. I pray for my children, and I also pray that one day I might find the love of my life.
If not, I am working on loving myself. That, to be sure, is my number one priority.

BONUS QUESTION:
Other than using the word “gotta” did I make any grammatical errors in my questions?
You are incredible. I am honored that you thought of me