Niche dating is ‘wack

Once you’ve got a colostomy bag…


Raise your hand if you’re single and are on Facebook? OK. Thanks. Now raise your hand if you’ve ever tried online dating? Great. One more question. How many single people on Facebook see those bullshit ads on the right side of the page, click the ad yet somehow never see the person in the ad? Yeah. Same here.

If you’ve never seen these ads, they truly are amazing. Facebook was nice enough to take the time to tailor the ad just for me. Apparently there are a lot of large breasted women who are looking for 47-year-old single fathers. I know that Facebook has my back, because until late November the women were looking for 46-year-old’s. Now that I think about it, the year before they were looking for 45-year-old’s. Weird.
When I click on the site (which has pictures of women like the pair above) I see women. Lots of women. Do they look like the girls in the ad? Not a fucking one one them! I call bullshit and false advertising. That’s not cool. Not cool at all.
My favorite ad has to be the one for Christian Mingle. They explain, “If you’re looking for a Christ centered relationship, the next move is yours.” The next move is yours? I didn’t think Christians had “moves”. I thought their purity rings counteracted the urge to put the moves on anyone. Maybe I was wrong.
I’ve tried Match.com with limited success. The same with e-Harmony. I appreciate the effort that old dude and his company are putting in, but the reality is that I end up running into the same train wrecks that I do on the free sites. If I thought I was getting something for the cash, I could see it, but I don’t.
If you’ve ever done any Internet dating, you’ve likely run across PlentyOfFish.com. I will admit that I’ve met some nice people there. When I lived in Palm Desert, I met Teacher on that site. I met The Nurse there as well. However, the overwhelming majority of people have been either crazy, strange, troll-like or a combination of all three.
I’m sure there are lots and lots of wonderful women on POF, but I can say that I have yet to meet more than a couple solid ones. I can’t tell you how many women have a profile that says they’re 42, but you would swear in court that she was 60+.
Let me disclaim this right now and say: I am in no way making fun of anyone’s weight, whether below average, average or above average. Anything I say is meant to illustrate a point and not ridicule. Shit, I need to lose 20,30,35, so no way am I cracking on people’s weight.
That being said, people need to be realistic about what they look like. I tell people that I’m fat and they typically say that I’m not. “It’s no more weight than most people need to lose,” they tell me. I don’t buy that bullshit, which is why when I was online dating I put, “A few extra pounds” rather than, “Average.”
Just because everyone in your family is 60-80 pounds overweight, that doesn’t make you average. If you’re a little big, then say so. Some people are looking for that and if you’re stuck in, “Average”, you may get overlooked. If you don’t like being in a certain category, make it your goal to get down to the next level.
The beautiful thing is that you don’t have to spend months trolling through the big sites. For example, if you’re Jewish, there are sites for you. If you like crazy chicks, there is a site called Women Behind Bars. You can correspond with an inmate, then let her beat you, rob you and kill you shortly after her release. But not until you’ve bought her some cans and a new wardrobe.
Apparently there’s a dating site for Trekkies. I can’t even begin to tell you how stupid that is. If you’re willing to drop a grand for a lifetime membership, you can join Scientific Match and let DNA testing help determine your match. I don’t think Crazy Blind Date needs any further explanation, nor does Bi-Cupid.
If you’re into Ayn Rand, you can join Atlasphere.com. If World of Warcraft is your thing, then you will want to rush on over to DateCraft.com. As tempting as that may sound, please wait until you’re finished here before you do so. Thanks.
If your junk itches, drips or oozes, you can log onto STD Friends and find people who likewise suffer from chlamydia, gonorrhea or just plain ol’ crabs. My favorite one might just be Ostomate.com. Once you’ve got a colostomy bag, I would imagine that it’s hard to get past those first few dates, ya know?
What did I miss? Are there any more niche sites that I overlooked? Do you have any experience with any of these? Stories that you heard from, “A friend?” Spit ‘em out. Let’s hear them…

If I were Red Forman’s son

“I oughta vandalize your ass with my foot.”
Red Forman
On the right side of my blog it says:
Who is Benjamin?
Take a martini shaker and add equal parts Ward Cleaver, Cliff Huxtable, Al Bundy, Phil Dunphy, Ray Barone, Archie Bunker and Red Forman. Shake, strain into a chilled glass and top with a liberal portion of “Who’s your daddy?”


I think that in some ways, I’m a bit like all these dads. I can be kind of old school like Ward Cleaver (plus, I have no problem getting hard with the beaver when need be), and I can be humorous like Cliff Huxtable, (though he can keep his crappy sweaters). Al Bundy, Phil Dunphy, Ray Barrone and Archie Bunker need no explanation, which leaves me with Red Forman, the TV dad I never had.
*In case you don’t know who Red is, he’s the lovable, friendly, sarcastic dad from That 70′s Show.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a few days–trying to picture in my head what it would be like growing up with Red as my old man. I’ve come to the decision, that for purposes of this blog post, that Red IS my dad, but we grew up in Southern California, where I was raised in real life. I think Red Forman in California opens up a ton of possibilities that Wisconsin simply would not afford us. What do I mean? Here are two perfect examples.

I don’t consider myself an expert on marijuana, but I have to believe that the shittiest weed from California would blow away anything they grow in Milwaukee. I believe the pot farmers of Humboldt and Mendocino counties take great pride in the product they put out. This means that as my friends and I sit around a table getting baked, that we would talk about even weirder shit that we already do. Plus, I have to believe that Red and Kitty (my mom) probably both know how to roll a mean fattie.
Also, if we were from The OC, I would still have a neighbor named Bob with a shitty ‘fro and a hot wife. The wife would be a whole lot more smokin that Tawny Roberts (no offense) and she would probably prance around in a skimpy bikini most of the time. Why? I dunno, it’s my blog post and I say that’s how I say it would be.
If I were Red Forman’s son, I would still have a naive, crazy mom, but I somehow have the feeling that being in California would make her one of those hardcore feminist chicks like Gloria Steinem or Jane Fonda. Still, I bet she’d take care of Red while wearing that nurses uniform from time to time–if you know what I mean. She’s one of those, “Bring home the bacon, then cook it up myself” kind of chicks.
I would still love the Raiders, but I think it would be a “thing” with my old man. It didn’t matter that in the 70′s the Raiders beat the crap out of everyone not named Steelers, he’d still call them a bunch of “degenerate dumbasses”, then I’d have to call the Raider Nation out on him.
There’d be a crew dispatched from Oaktown to “talk” with him and it would all be a huge mess. Red would probably be a Ram’s fan. It would serve him right. You do understand that Raiders fans don’t “talk” things over with people right? They beat you til you’re lying in a puddle of your own urine. I’m not advocating such behavior, I’m just saying that’s how things are done in Oakland.
I’m assuming I would still have a slutty sister, but since we live so close to Porn Valley, I’m guessing she would use her considerable assets to further her financial situation. If she was any good she would probably get the chance to bang John Holmes on film. I’m not sure if that would be a good thing or not. Either way, I know it would be better than getting nailed by Ron Jeremy.
My friends would still be my friends. Hyde would thrive in So. Cal. I know he would. Especially with a dad like Tommy Chong. I’d still be all over Donna, because let’s face it, a tall redhead is a tall redhead no matter where you live. Jackie would fit right in with the 90210 crowd and Kelso would be a typical stoner, surfer dude.
I think the whole Fez thing would be different We would live only two hours from Mexico, which means he would be less of a novelty and more of a daily reality. I’m not even sure where he’s supposed to be from. Can anyone help me with this?
I don’t care where you put Red Forman, the Vista Cruiser is always gonna be the Vista Cruiser. Being in sunny So. Cal, Red would probably be screaming, “Hey dumbass! Get the damn sand out of the floorboard before I plant my foot in your ass.” He would also have a hard time understanding how Sex Wax is for your surfboard and not something you rub on yourself before you engage in intercourse.

The bottom line is that my life would be way different if Red Forman were my dad. I’m not saying it would be better, but it would certainly have been a more colorful upbringing. I did just fine with the dad I have. He and my mom have been married for 48 years.   

Hand over your man card

Balls belong between your legs, not in a purse.

Some guys don’t deserve to carry their own Man Card. We’ve become a society that is comfortable with letting women hang onto men’s balls. Apparently it’s for “safe keeping”, but I don’t buy that shit.
Often times these women carry the juevos around in their purses, so as to tease their man. They let him see the eggs, but not touch them. Some women are a bit more liberated and allow the men to carry their own balls, but not let them actually attach them. I don’t care if you call it a ‘European man bag,” It’s still a purse and you carry your balls in it. My personal opinion is those guys need an intervention. STAT.
I wonder what a Man Card intervention would consist of? I’m guessing that Jack Daniels would be involved. Maybe a night of watching Archer, Van Wilder and hockey fights, as the pussy and his friends consume pizza, wings and copious amounts of booze. Strippers may or may not be involved and hopefully the friends would teach him to once again talk like a bro and to stand up to the woman who currently possesses his jewels.
Gone are phrases such as, “Yes. I would love to go look at window treatments with you. Maybe afterwards we could split a quiche at the divine new bistro near the house.” That would be replaced with, “Yeah, I’m going to Hooters. So what?”
Any use of the phrase, “Wine bar” is unacceptable, unless used properly. “I’m dropping the ball and chain off at the wine bar and will meet you at the strip club around 9,” is the proper way to use that phrase.
Any guy who chooses a night at the opera over any regular season or post season sporting event should definitely have his Man Card revoked. I can only see a couple of possible exceptions to this. The first is if he has a thing for “comforting” old widows. I personally find that creepy and hard to stomach, but to each his own, ya know. The second exception is, uh…I can’t come up with a second exception. Sorry.
Lets talk about fashion for a moment. This is a grey area, but I think I can shed some light on it. There are some who would have you believe that wearing pink should automatically revoke your card. I disagree. I have three pink oxfords and I wear them often. I cut the sleeves off one and wear it with my black and pink plaid shorts. Kind of like a preppy gangstah.
You may think it sounds stupid, but I also rock the argyle. It’s how I roll and shit. My point is, that dressing nice is not an offense worth revoking a Man Card. However, excessive use of bow ties is a definite red flag.
Music is another realm with a lot of grey area. I listen to Michael Buble and I enjoy his stuff, but I generally listen to music that’s loud and occasionally crude (Papa Roach, Muse, Nine Inch Nails, Sixx A.M.,Disturbed, etc…). I’m not going to completely crack on a dude for listening to soft rock 24/7, but is it too much to ask that you at least know some of the words to Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry?
If there is one topic where I may disagree with a lot of people, it’s on the subject of books. Maybe I have a different perspective on this since I’m a writer, but I believe a guy can read books which hold significant literary value and still keep his man card firmly in his wallet. (Although the use of a fanny pack for any purpose is automatic grounds for revocation).
If you want to read Jane Eyre, that’s cool. Just make sure you follow it up with a large dose or Hemingway and/or Twain when you’re done–just to cleanse the palette. The book I’m penning is a tale of a man searching for love, but I include Mexican prostitutes, PBR on tap and car sex. Something like that takes care of the mushy, lovey-dovey stuff, while still getting a full daily serving of “Being A Man.”
Finally, we go to Movies. This is another grey area and one that isn’t as clear as you might think. On the surface, I think people would initially say that a dude who watches chick flicks should have his Man Card immediately revoked. I disagree. Why? I’m glad you asked.
A guy who watches a chick flick with a chick in hopes of getting a little post-movie action should be commended for his efforts, not punished. There is a huge difference between a guy who watches a chick flick with a woman and a guy who watches a chick flick because he is a woman.
I will admit that I own Love Actually and The Notebook, but I will also say that I have never watched either of these without having a pair of breasts sitting on the couch next to me. If a dude suggests watching Fried Green Tomatoes while hanging with the guys, he should just go outside and kick his own ass, thus saving everyone else the effort of doing so.
These aren’t the only ways that can get your Man Card revoked. Here are a few more things you may want to avoid, if you want to stay in the club.
Watching Glee–You may think this falls under the Chick Flick Clause, but since this is a weekly commitment, by all means, avoid it like the plague!
Drinking anything pink–Lemonade is exempt from this, but by all means, try to drink yellow lemonade! There is also a “Tropical drink while sitting on a beach” clause, but the drink in question must be at least 75% booze in order to qualify for the exception. And there must be a chunk of pineapple or some other tropical fruit on the rim. Umbrellas are up to your own personal taste and don’t figure into the equation.
Knowing lyrics to any Justin Bieber song–this one needs no further explanation and there is no clause for this one. No F’ing way!
Giving a shit about the Royal Family–Any knowledge other than that Charles looks like Dumbo’s second cousin and you deserve a huge ass kicking. Period.
Owning more than one cat–Personally I think your card should be revoked if you own even a single feline, but I’m willing to compromise on this one. If you’re married or living with a chick, there is a possible exemption, but any more than three cats and consider your card yanked.
Wearing skinny jeans-Listen to the hot bartender from the Miller Lite commercial. They aren’t in. If you wear skinny jeans, your North American Man Card will be revoked immediately. You can, however, can apply for a European Man Card. Their criterianis a lot less stringent and you have the option of wearing a Speedo.

There you have it. A not-close-to-comprehensive list of things that will get your Man Card yanked. What did I miss? Do you know anyone who needs to have their card pulled? Let me know and I will see what I can do to assist you. When all else fails, remember the golden rule of being a man: Balls belong between your legs, not in a purse.

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Peace out ya crazy bitch

To me the shocking part was that she actually made it to 27.

Amy Winehouse finally went to rehab. Permanently. As in, she OD’d and kicked the bucket. I’ll pause for a moment while you get over the shock and disbelief of it all. I’m sure you’re all asking yourself the same question. “You mean to tell me a crazy musician with a heroin problem, a pill problem and a love affair with the bottle is dead?” “Hell yes,” I reply. “She’s taking the dirt nap.”

OK. Raise of hands. Who did NOT see this coming. If the line was set at 30 years old, I would definitely have taken the under. Every year she makes my death pool list because every morning when I look at the computer, I fully expect to see this story. If only I’d thrown down some money, I’d be eating a big, juicy rib-eye right now instead of these microwave chicken wings.

I’d also be drinking something a bit better than this new 1.5L bottle of Mtn. Dew. Not that I’m dissing on the Dew, because I’m not. I would never talk shit about the Dew. It’s not cool to dis the Dew. But I digress.

To me Amy Winehouse looked like she was 57, not 27. If you Google, “Rode hard and put away wet,” you would find a picture of Amy Winehouse. Guaranteed. I haven’t tried it, but I know one has to be there. Maybe not on page one, but it’s there.

Not that anyone would actually want to tap Amy Winehouse, but if she had a kid she would make Britney Spears look like Carol Brady or a young June Cleaver. Her kid would probably roll out with about a $100 a day drug habit. If insurance somehow were to cover drugs for the kid, you know Amy would be stealing the junk. Why? Because she would be a shitty mother. Duh.

I have yet to discover the appeal this chick had on people. It’s been years since I heard any of her music, so I clicked on the video for Rehab. I was reminded that she has the annunciation skills of Bob Dylan and the looks of Medusa (the mythological chick with snakes for hair). Does anyone else think her voice sounds like a teenage boy?

Can anyone explain these lyrics to me? Please?

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know

I get the first line. She had a substance abuse problem and people wanted her to get help, but she refused. That part is pretty clear. Her refusal to attend rehab was duly noted by me in the fact that she overdosed. Where I’m confused is with the second line. When was she black and where is she coming back from? It’s certainly not rehab, because we already determined she wasn’t going, right?

I know this will sound like a shitty question, but aside from her entourage, her dealers and a few deranged fans, will anyone really miss Amy Winehouse? You know in a few weeks she will be the subject of a, “Hard hitting” E network special and that it will run in repeats for the next 25 years, but will anyone really notice she’s missing? I think not.

I don’t know if she was fucked up and then turned to drugs or if she turned to drugs and then became fucked up. I’ve gotta believe she was at least a little wacko before she started. She had to be, right?

The conspiracy theorists are clamoring about the fact she died at age 27, the same age as Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. I’ve got a message for the people who think there is some significance to her age. “Lots of people die at age 27. It’s not just musicians.” If you do enough drugs, you have a high likelihood of dying from an overdose. Death is one of the side affects of shooting crap into your veins. Or snorting coke. Or whatever combination of drugs she preferred.

All I know is that Saturday morning I flipped on my computer, saw she died and crossed her off my Death Pool list. Now that she’s gone, I have Jerry Lewis and Zsa Zsa Gabor heading my field. Does anyone else think it’s odd that Amy kicked it the same month as Betty Ford?

Betty spent the majority of the sober part of her life trying to help people overcome addictions and Amy would have been the ultimate success story for her clinic. Amy probably thought to herself, “Damn. Betty’s gone. No one can help me now.”

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Struggling With The Struggle

Over this past weekend, I had a situation. This situation, unfortunately, also happened the last time that I got together with Katelyn and all three kids. I think it probably happened the time before that, too.
See…Katelyn and I have VERY different parenting styles. Let me be quick to say that neither style is any better than the other…it’s simply a different view on things. But the problem isn’t the parenting styles themselves…on our own, we each do very well with our children. No, the problem is trying to find that happy medium where our styles can compliment each other. It has happened on occasion and things worked out quite well. But this past weekend, that wasn’t the case. Now…it’s not a situation where I’m hollering and screaming or where Katelyn is yelling and waving her arms in the air. No…it’s nothing that drastic. But it’s real and it’s 99% me. I tend to have mini-panic attacks in some situations…where I feel overwhelmed and then I react poorly. It’s something that’s affected me for quite awhile and, for the most part, it’s something that I’ve been able to deal with and keep in check over the past few years.
The problem is that when this happens, I tense up and the panic turns to fear turns to anger…and that ends up affecting those around me. And even if I’m fine 5 minutes later…to the point that I don’t even remember why I got upset to begin with…the change in attitude still affects the people I’m around. And it hurts me knowing that I’ve affected them that much. I could go into specifics…but suffice it to say that I struggle with my temper, but that my temper is based upon other issues that go much farther than skin deep. I’ve been struggling with trying to work through these issues since I hit a low point back in 2008 because I needed to find out what was wrong with me and figure out why I react the way I do to certain situations. So I’m struggling with my struggle. And it sucks because I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be the guy that makes my family walk on eggshells when around me. I don’t want to be the guy who makes people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to be the guy that doesn’t realize what’s going on around him. The positive side of this, I suppose, is that I’m acutely aware of where I’m at mentally and emotionally. I know that my rationale for certain reactions isn’t justified and that I shouldn’t feel the way I feel about certain things. So I suppose that being able to look inward and really analyze the situation is a good thing.
How many men do you know actually want to constantly improve themselves as individuals and will actively work to make that happen? I’m one of those guys, and I believe that it’s a trait to be proud of. So while there were times this weekend where I didn’t act the way I wanted to act…or I didn’t react the way I wanted to react…being able to recognize that and want to work on improving that aspect of my character is something I should never shy away from. So I’m struggling with the struggle…but it’s a struggle that I think I can eventually overcome.

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I Wasn’t the Best Father to Her When She Was Younger

I was immature and wasn’t ready for the responsibility…which isn’t an excuse, it just is what it is. I can admit to that now.
It’s been a long path from my immature 20′s to my slightly dorky late 30′s. I think that’s one thing I can attribute to my ex-girlfriend…and that’s smartening me up when it came to how I was as a father.

Brief history lesson…
I split with her mom when she was 5 years old. Totally missing out on sooo much of her early development. It’s a shame, too…because she was a gorgeous girl.

Once I came back I really tried to reconnect with Breana, but it was a very long road. She hated spending time with me (although she was so young, it was really hard to know for sure)…and I just never felt a closeness with her. At all.
Like I said, I missed out on much of her early development…too much. Even when she got a bit older, when she stayed overnight, she cried for her mom. When she got sick, I didn’t know how to react or what to do…so I called her mom and took her home.

I was a bad father. At least that’s how I feel about it now. But I did try over time…and we began to form a bond over the years as she got older. It’s a bond that’s pretty darned strong now and I’m very, very grateful for it:

I thank my lucky stars every day that I’ve now got the relationship with her that I do. I love her to death.

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Thinking About The Future

Sometimes I don’t think I can enjoy the present because I don’t want to even think about the future.

The future is something that can be scary and foreboding, and most of the time I just want to try to make it through the day and worry about the future another time. But the problem with that line of thinking is that I end up not allowing myself the right to enjoy the present. The future is unpredictable and is molded by the choices I make in the present. If I don’t let myself live in the present, then what else can I live for? I mean, what good will it do me to just go through the motions?

My family is the present. My children are the present. My friends are the present. ** I ** am the present. To cast that aside or to let the negative outweigh the positive will only lead to an unhappy future…especially if it’s already pre-determined in my mind that the future is an unhappy one because I’m not allowing myself to enjoy the good things about the present.

I’m currently in a position where I’m having a difficult time enjoying the present because I’m concerned about the future. This is a thought process that I have control over, though. I would like to believe that it’s a matter of the choices that I can make now in the present that can alter, mold, and shape the future…even if those choices appear to be small and seemingly insignificant now.

Nobody can predict the future, obviously. I’d like to believe that if one is willing to at least be open to possibilities, then anything can be possible. Feelings shouldn’t be ignored…feelings shouldn’t be set aside…they need to be brought up and dealt with, whether it’s a complaint or a concern or a worry. But I know that this bond I’ve created with Katelyn is so strong that there is nothing that can’t be overcome if we truly want to overcome it.

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My 10 Most Awesomest Things

"The Morning Stiffy", which is what the local rock station morning show DJ’s call themselves, had a little blurb this morning on what they considered to be the most awesomest things ever. That got me to thinking of a list of my own. And I decided to exclude obvious choices like my kids, love, family, oxygen, LIFE (lol), and things of that nature. I mean, those should go without saying, right?
So without further adu, here is my list of what I consider to be the ten most awesomest things ever!

1. The Internet – I gotta be completely honest…I have NO idea what I did before there was the internet. Hell, I grew up in a world without the internet so I guess my age is the reason for my memory issues. But really, is there anything in this world any more awesome than the freakin’ internet? No…I thought not.

2. Earth – I’m not going to start talking about UFO’s or aliens or anything like that, but think about it: we live on a planet that is the perfect distance away from the sun, contains the perfect amount of oxygen, has the perfect gravitational pull, and contains all of the perfect elements required to sustain life. Seriously…how absolutely awesome is that?? We don’t live in a bubble…we don’t live underwater…we don’t live in space. We live on the perfect planet. I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty frickin’ awesome.

3. Lightning – This item came up during the radio segment this morning because of the awesome photographs taken at Eyjafjallajökull, the Icelandic volcano. Apparently, the perfect “ingredients” are present to create “volcano lightning: water droplets, ice, and possibly hail…all interacting with each other and with particles, in this case ash from the eruptions, to cause electrical charging. Don’t believe me? CHECK THESE OUT!!

4. Physical intimacy – No, this isn’t just about sex. There is something unspeakably intangible about being TRULY physically intimate with somebody…body, mind, and soul. It’s absolutely one of the most awesomest things you can possibly imagine. There is just something about that unspoken connection that turns the dial all the way up to 10.

5. Bacon – Honestly…could I possibly ignore this wonderful, glorious food? Is there any other food that is as spectacular as bacon? I could probably go on and on about bacon, but I’ll leave the pork-lovefest up to QTMama. She’ll give you all the bacon-love you could ask for.

6. Star Wars – My mom was commenting over the weekend how strange life can be sometimes. I mean, here I was…a very young kid in the late 70’s loving a sci-fi movie and all of the action figures that came as a result…and my nephew, 30 years later, is going through the exact same thing now. From Darth Vader to Darth Maul, from one Death Star to another, I love everything there is to love about the Star Wars universe. Whether it’s Han Solo shooting first or Yoda kicking ass with a green lightsaber, there is little else in the world of entertainment that is more awesome than Star Wars…especially now that my nephew is a fan.

7. Dr. Pepper – I know that some other people may have placed something like tequila or beer in this spot, but to me there is no beverage more awesome than the beverage with 23 flavours, Dr. Pepper. I can unabashedly unequivocally say that I’m 100% addicted to this beverage. I could drink it all day every day without fail. Of course, my insides probably hate me at this point in my life…but Dr. Pepper has been totally worth it. Mmmm…I’m drinking some as I write this.

8. Ninjas – Seriously…how freakin’ awesome are ninjas??? They wear black…they wear masks…they kick ass…they use weapons…they disappear once they’re finished disposing of their victims. The only way to make ninjas more awesome would be to have them eat bacon and drink Dr. Pepper while watching Star Wars in a lightning storm.

9. That’s What She Said – It’s the most juvenile, infantile, immature, silly little childish joke on the face of the planet. And you know what? It’s the single greatest thing that can bring a smile to my face no matter how bad my day may be going. I can’t even begin to describe just how much I love that joke. Well…maybe I can.

10. The female form – Honestly, this should be #1 on my list. But y’know, I don’t want to come across like some kind of douchebag pervert. To me, the single most awesome thing on the face of the planet is the beauty that is the body of a woman. And what’s better is that a lot of women also appreciate the beauty of the female form…and that’s even MORE awesome!

Heh…

So what about you? What do you find to be the MOST AWESOMEST thing ever?

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