Amy Winehouse finally went to rehab. Permanently. As in, she OD’d and kicked the bucket. I’ll pause for a moment while you get over the shock and disbelief of it all. I’m sure you’re all asking yourself the same question. “You mean to tell me a crazy musician with a heroin problem, a pill problem and a love affair with the bottle is dead?” “Hell yes,” I reply. “She’s taking the dirt nap.”
OK. Raise of hands. Who did NOT see this coming. If the line was set at 30 years old, I would definitely have taken the under. Every year she makes my death pool list because every morning when I look at the computer, I fully expect to see this story. If only I’d thrown down some money, I’d be eating a big, juicy rib-eye right now instead of these microwave chicken wings.
I’d also be drinking something a bit better than this new 1.5L bottle of Mtn. Dew. Not that I’m dissing on the Dew, because I’m not. I would never talk shit about the Dew. It’s not cool to dis the Dew. But I digress.
To me Amy Winehouse looked like she was 57, not 27. If you Google, “Rode hard and put away wet,” you would find a picture of Amy Winehouse. Guaranteed. I haven’t tried it, but I know one has to be there. Maybe not on page one, but it’s there.
Not that anyone would actually want to tap Amy Winehouse, but if she had a kid she would make Britney Spears look like Carol Brady or a young June Cleaver. Her kid would probably roll out with about a $100 a day drug habit. If insurance somehow were to cover drugs for the kid, you know Amy would be stealing the junk. Why? Because she would be a shitty mother. Duh.
I have yet to discover the appeal this chick had on people. It’s been years since I heard any of her music, so I clicked on the video for Rehab. I was reminded that she has the annunciation skills of Bob Dylan and the looks of Medusa (the mythological chick with snakes for hair). Does anyone else think her voice sounds like a teenage boy?
Can anyone explain these lyrics to me? Please?
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I get the first line. She had a substance abuse problem and people wanted her to get help, but she refused. That part is pretty clear. Her refusal to attend rehab was duly noted by me in the fact that she overdosed. Where I’m confused is with the second line. When was she black and where is she coming back from? It’s certainly not rehab, because we already determined she wasn’t going, right?
I know this will sound like a shitty question, but aside from her entourage, her dealers and a few deranged fans, will anyone really miss Amy Winehouse? You know in a few weeks she will be the subject of a, “Hard hitting” E network special and that it will run in repeats for the next 25 years, but will anyone really notice she’s missing? I think not.
I don’t know if she was fucked up and then turned to drugs or if she turned to drugs and then became fucked up. I’ve gotta believe she was at least a little wacko before she started. She had to be, right?
The conspiracy theorists are clamoring about the fact she died at age 27, the same age as Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. I’ve got a message for the people who think there is some significance to her age. “Lots of people die at age 27. It’s not just musicians.” If you do enough drugs, you have a high likelihood of dying from an overdose. Death is one of the side affects of shooting crap into your veins. Or snorting coke. Or whatever combination of drugs she preferred.
All I know is that Saturday morning I flipped on my computer, saw she died and crossed her off my Death Pool list. Now that she’s gone, I have Jerry Lewis and Zsa Zsa Gabor heading my field. Does anyone else think it’s odd that Amy kicked it the same month as Betty Ford?
Betty spent the majority of the sober part of her life trying to help people overcome addictions and Amy would have been the ultimate success story for her clinic. Amy probably thought to herself, “Damn. Betty’s gone. No one can help me now.”
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