If I were Red Forman’s son

“I oughta vandalize your ass with my foot.”
Red Forman
On the right side of my blog it says:
Who is Benjamin?
Take a martini shaker and add equal parts Ward Cleaver, Cliff Huxtable, Al Bundy, Phil Dunphy, Ray Barone, Archie Bunker and Red Forman. Shake, strain into a chilled glass and top with a liberal portion of “Who’s your daddy?”


I think that in some ways, I’m a bit like all these dads. I can be kind of old school like Ward Cleaver (plus, I have no problem getting hard with the beaver when need be), and I can be humorous like Cliff Huxtable, (though he can keep his crappy sweaters). Al Bundy, Phil Dunphy, Ray Barrone and Archie Bunker need no explanation, which leaves me with Red Forman, the TV dad I never had.
*In case you don’t know who Red is, he’s the lovable, friendly, sarcastic dad from That 70′s Show.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a few days–trying to picture in my head what it would be like growing up with Red as my old man. I’ve come to the decision, that for purposes of this blog post, that Red IS my dad, but we grew up in Southern California, where I was raised in real life. I think Red Forman in California opens up a ton of possibilities that Wisconsin simply would not afford us. What do I mean? Here are two perfect examples.

I don’t consider myself an expert on marijuana, but I have to believe that the shittiest weed from California would blow away anything they grow in Milwaukee. I believe the pot farmers of Humboldt and Mendocino counties take great pride in the product they put out. This means that as my friends and I sit around a table getting baked, that we would talk about even weirder shit that we already do. Plus, I have to believe that Red and Kitty (my mom) probably both know how to roll a mean fattie.
Also, if we were from The OC, I would still have a neighbor named Bob with a shitty ‘fro and a hot wife. The wife would be a whole lot more smokin that Tawny Roberts (no offense) and she would probably prance around in a skimpy bikini most of the time. Why? I dunno, it’s my blog post and I say that’s how I say it would be.
If I were Red Forman’s son, I would still have a naive, crazy mom, but I somehow have the feeling that being in California would make her one of those hardcore feminist chicks like Gloria Steinem or Jane Fonda. Still, I bet she’d take care of Red while wearing that nurses uniform from time to time–if you know what I mean. She’s one of those, “Bring home the bacon, then cook it up myself” kind of chicks.
I would still love the Raiders, but I think it would be a “thing” with my old man. It didn’t matter that in the 70′s the Raiders beat the crap out of everyone not named Steelers, he’d still call them a bunch of “degenerate dumbasses”, then I’d have to call the Raider Nation out on him.
There’d be a crew dispatched from Oaktown to “talk” with him and it would all be a huge mess. Red would probably be a Ram’s fan. It would serve him right. You do understand that Raiders fans don’t “talk” things over with people right? They beat you til you’re lying in a puddle of your own urine. I’m not advocating such behavior, I’m just saying that’s how things are done in Oakland.
I’m assuming I would still have a slutty sister, but since we live so close to Porn Valley, I’m guessing she would use her considerable assets to further her financial situation. If she was any good she would probably get the chance to bang John Holmes on film. I’m not sure if that would be a good thing or not. Either way, I know it would be better than getting nailed by Ron Jeremy.
My friends would still be my friends. Hyde would thrive in So. Cal. I know he would. Especially with a dad like Tommy Chong. I’d still be all over Donna, because let’s face it, a tall redhead is a tall redhead no matter where you live. Jackie would fit right in with the 90210 crowd and Kelso would be a typical stoner, surfer dude.
I think the whole Fez thing would be different We would live only two hours from Mexico, which means he would be less of a novelty and more of a daily reality. I’m not even sure where he’s supposed to be from. Can anyone help me with this?
I don’t care where you put Red Forman, the Vista Cruiser is always gonna be the Vista Cruiser. Being in sunny So. Cal, Red would probably be screaming, “Hey dumbass! Get the damn sand out of the floorboard before I plant my foot in your ass.” He would also have a hard time understanding how Sex Wax is for your surfboard and not something you rub on yourself before you engage in intercourse.

The bottom line is that my life would be way different if Red Forman were my dad. I’m not saying it would be better, but it would certainly have been a more colorful upbringing. I did just fine with the dad I have. He and my mom have been married for 48 years.