…trying to love yourself when self-loathing is all you’ve ever known.
I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever loved myself. Heck…I don’t even remember thinking of myself in a positive way for more than a day or so. I know I’m a good person in a lot of different ways, but when I look in the mirror I’m disgusted with what I see. All I see is the teenager than everybody picked on…the son that was never good enough…the guy who never had a date in high school.
I’ve never grown out of it or found a way to put it all behind me. The time I’ve been spending lately to help move through these issues only seems to be exacerbating them…making them much more apparent. I’d like to be able to just ignore them, but the feelings end up bottling-up inside and coming out at very inopportune times.
And my feelings of self-loathing don’t just come from a physical aspect, either. I’m extremely self-critical in all aspects of my life, and when I make a mistake…any kind of mistake…I take the anger that I have at myself and end up lashing out at someone who happens to be within ear shot.
I feel like money equals self worth. And because I’ve always struggled to not only make it, but to save it…it has always affected how I view myself as a person, which I know it shouldn’t.
There have been moments recently where I have had a very difficult time smiling, which is something most people see do quite often. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes when I’m thinking inward…really trying to see what’s at the heart of these thoughts and feelings…I enter a place that simply prevents me from smiling.
This place, I believe, is where all of my hurting comes from. It’s a room locked up in my brain somewhere, and it stores all of the hurt and the pain and the anxiety that has not only built-up over the years…but it also stores the beginnings of all of these feelings.
I’ve told Katelyn these things before. They’re nothing new. These are things that I realize require work on my part. She has been giving me space recently in order to do just that. However, even she was able to recognize that it appears that I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I really continue to look deep within myself.
And she’s right, actually. I’m absolutely petrified.
I’m afraid that if I truly dig deep and find the root cause for all of my ridiculous insecurities (and I can admit that I’m not really the big fucking loser that I’ve told myself I am all of my life), it will adversely affect my current life. I’m afraid that this root cause will somehow damage current relationships…how can it not? Isn’t that the point? To find the reason for the hurt and then (somehow) confront it and do something about it in order to find some kind of closure and move on healthier and happier?
I’m not able to do that. At least not yet.
It’s a process; it’s something that I’m working on. The problem is that I’m not entirely sure how to continue working on it without entering that room and confronting whatever is hidden in the back corner somewhere.
It’s tough.
I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever loved myself. Heck…I don’t even remember thinking of myself in a positive way for more than a day or so. I know I’m a good person in a lot of different ways, but when I look in the mirror I’m disgusted with what I see. All I see is the teenager than everybody picked on…the son that was never good enough…the guy who never had a date in high school.
I’ve never grown out of it or found a way to put it all behind me. The time I’ve been spending lately to help move through these issues only seems to be exacerbating them…making them much more apparent. I’d like to be able to just ignore them, but the feelings end up bottling-up inside and coming out at very inopportune times.
And my feelings of self-loathing don’t just come from a physical aspect, either. I’m extremely self-critical in all aspects of my life, and when I make a mistake…any kind of mistake…I take the anger that I have at myself and end up lashing out at someone who happens to be within ear shot.
I feel like money equals self worth. And because I’ve always struggled to not only make it, but to save it…it has always affected how I view myself as a person, which I know it shouldn’t.
There have been moments recently where I have had a very difficult time smiling, which is something most people see do quite often. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes when I’m thinking inward…really trying to see what’s at the heart of these thoughts and feelings…I enter a place that simply prevents me from smiling.
This place, I believe, is where all of my hurting comes from. It’s a room locked up in my brain somewhere, and it stores all of the hurt and the pain and the anxiety that has not only built-up over the years…but it also stores the beginnings of all of these feelings.
I’ve told Katelyn these things before. They’re nothing new. These are things that I realize require work on my part. She has been giving me space recently in order to do just that. However, even she was able to recognize that it appears that I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I really continue to look deep within myself.
And she’s right, actually. I’m absolutely petrified.
I’m afraid that if I truly dig deep and find the root cause for all of my ridiculous insecurities (and I can admit that I’m not really the big fucking loser that I’ve told myself I am all of my life), it will adversely affect my current life. I’m afraid that this root cause will somehow damage current relationships…how can it not? Isn’t that the point? To find the reason for the hurt and then (somehow) confront it and do something about it in order to find some kind of closure and move on healthier and happier?
I’m not able to do that. At least not yet.
It’s a process; it’s something that I’m working on. The problem is that I’m not entirely sure how to continue working on it without entering that room and confronting whatever is hidden in the back corner somewhere.
It’s tough.
No comments:
Post a Comment