If you’ve lived in So. Cal for any length of time, you know that October means Knott’s Berry Farm’s Halloween Haunt is in full swing. I’ve been going to this thing on and off since the 80′s when it was known as Knott’s Scary Farm. It’s pretty rad. They’ve got 13 mazes set up throughout the park and people dressed as monsters and zombies roaming around attempting to scare the shit out of you.
When she was 10, Drama Queen kept bugging for me to take her, but I wouldn’t. Not yet. The park recommends the event for those 13 and up. After they bone you for $20 to park your damn car about three quarters of a mile away, they make you empty your pockets of metal at the gate and wand you to make sure you’re not bringing any weapons in with you. I’m down with that, but the security dude doing our search made me take off my hat so he could feel under the band inside to make sure I wasn’t bringing any drugs or razor blades into the park.
I never thought about hiding anything under the band, but now I know if I ever have the need to carry a razor blade with me, that I can hide it in there without being detected You never know when you might need to cut someone, right?
We made our way into the park and I noticed that the crowd was a nice mix of white trash, high school punks and wanna-be gangsters along with a few normal folks and some creepy old people who didn’t fit in at all. This was gonna be a fun night.
Back in the day my friends and I would arrive a bit early and, “Tailgate” outside the car. After a (very strong) Jack and Coke in a 32 or 42 oz cup, I was ready to properly enjoy the evening. I felt it was inappropriate to tailgate with my daughter. Not that she’s never seen me drink Jack and Coke, but since she’s now in collage, I thought I shouldn’t show her how one gets easily hammered before entering a theme park. I do have my moments of good parenting. So I entered the park completely alcohol free and ready to have a fun night with my daughter. We decided to turn left inside the gates and start with the first maze we saw, then head towards the back of the park. It was getting dark as we made our way through Ghost Town. As we walked down the fog filled street, I heard the tell-tale sound of metal scraping on concrete and waited for what I knew was coming next. About three seconds later, a zombie slid right up to my daughter, popping back to his feet in front of her and yelled, “Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.” I swear to God I thought she was going to wet herself right there. I was laughing as the zombie skulked away, looking for another person to freak out. “What the hell?” She yelled. “Why are you laughing?’ I tried to stop, and said, “Because he just scared the crap out of you. Duh.” She glared at me and said, “That’s not funny.”
I reminded her of our earlier conversation, where I warned her there are zombies with steel knee pads who will slide down the street, scaring you.” It was her fault for not being better prepared. We made the left at the wooden roller coaster Ghost Rider, ending up in Gypsy Camp and Lockdown–The Asylum.
We walked right in and about 10 inches inside the door, she grabbed my left arm and proceeded to tug. “What’s the problem?” I asked with a laugh. “You’re not scared, are you?” She said she wasn’t (she lied) but that she wanted to grab my arm. I said she could, but not to yank. I liked my arm right where it was.
We rounded the first corner, where a monster popped out in front of her. She yelled, and I looked at the guy and casually said, “Whassup playah?” Drama Queen said I was an idiot, so I attempted to unlock her grip from my arm. She wasn’t having any of it, and we continued through the maze. As the name indicates, this was supposed to be inside an insane asylum, so the people were acting especially loco.
We finished the maze with only minor bruising on my arm and immediately entered, Delerium. Once again, people popped out at her and once again, she attempted to yank my arm out of the socket. I have no clue what the theme of this one was supposed to be, but it freaked Drama Queen out and I thought it was cool.
There were a few more females in this maze, but I noticed the distinct lack of visible skin on the female zombies and monsters. This got me to thinking. I paid good money to come to this theme park and I should be able to see zombie cleavage. I’m not saying it’s a right, but I think for $36, a little boobie isn’t too much to ask for. Can I get an amen?
As we were eating dinner at home, Drama Queen mentioned that a couple of her friends went the previous weekend and said that one maze was all about John the Reaper. I somehow managed to not spit spaghetti and meatballs across the kitchen, and asked, “You mean, Jack the Ripper?” She didn’t skip a beat and said, “Yeah. Him.” Fast forward a couple of hours to when we entered, Terror of London.
As we approached the entrance, I asked a park employee if this was the maze with John The Reaper. I got a weird look from the dude and D.Q. told me I was an idiot. Oh. OK. She’s the one who dropped, “John The Reaper”, but I’m the idiot? I don’t think so.
She once again yanked on my arm and we went through the maze. About halfway through, I got sick of her assaulting me and told her that she had to do the next maze without grabbing on to me.
We made our way into the Doll Factory (a maze with mainly female characters) and I noted that the necklines were slightly lower, yet nowhere near slutty. I hid my disappointment and as we exited the maze, my daughter was actually laughing. We went through Dia De Los Muertos (in 3-D), then Fallout Shelter, Cornstalkers, End Games, and Virus Z without her grabbing onto me for support..
As we headed towards the back of the park, Drama Queen asked a security guy what the fastest way to Uncle Bobo’s Big Top Of The Bizarre, was. As she was doing this, a zombie walked past me. “Yo, Slick,” I asked. “How’s it going?” He replied. I informed him that it was going just fine and asked if he would mind scaring, “The redhead in the blue sweatshirt.” He said he would and quietly walked up behind her.
As she turned around, there was this 6′ 3″ zombie yelling, then dropping to his knees right in front of her face. The look she had was priceless and I’m sorry to say I didn’t think about videotaping the moment. I was laughing my ass off when she walked up and smacked me. “Are you laughing because that monster scared me?” She asked. “No,” I said as I snorted. “I’m laughing because I asked him to go scare you.”
As we headed towards the clown maze, I saw some douche in his 30′s getting handcuffed by the Buena Park police and I knew that my night was now complete. As a whole, the crowd was mellow and it was a great night, but let’s he honest; the Halloween Haunt experience isn’t complete until someone goes to jail for being a dickwad.
We finished the maze, then hit Slaughterhouse, before beginning the long journey back to the car. As we walked, my daughter noted that I didn’t need to keep asking the zombies in Slaughterhouse, if I could, “Get a couple racks of baby backs.”
“It’s not funny,” she said. “It’s stupid.” I reminded her that I bought the, “Damn tickets”, which gives me the right to say all the goofy shit I want. Goofy shit is what being a dad is all about.
She rolled her eyes and asked if I would take her to the Queen Mary for their Dark Harbor event. I like the Queen Mary one, because the mazes go through parts of the ship that are said to be haunted by actual ghosts and shit. I told her I would think about it, but that I wasn’t sure she was ready to get the ship scared out of her. The Queen Mary advertises, “A trio of She-Demons”, which sounds promising. I’ll be sure to let you know what I decide.
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