Mr. Whipple would not approve

Would that be considered third base or was the guy trying to steal home?

On Thursday Breana and I were at home when her friend Arika rolled in to see if we wanted to head over to Costco for a cheap lunch. My daughter said yes right away and I figured I would tag along since I wasn’t really looking forward to heating a can of soup in the microwave. After parking and standing in a long line I grabbed my Polish sausage  and rounded the corner to fill my cup. I know there are better ways to say that though not many funnier.

As I was getting my drink I watched some guy walk up to machine with a big jug, fill it with ice and water then put it on the ground and fill another before walking away. “WTF?” I thought as I watched the guy do this. Once we had our drinks the three of us grabbed a table, ate lunch and bullshat*.
My daughter also noticed the guy with the jugs and when Arika saw the dude pilfering the water she started telling us about a guy she knows who keeps a collection of fast food cups in his car. He saves them in order to take advantage of free refills. If he’s at Burger King, he whips out his BK cup. If he’s making a run for the border he grabs his Taco Bell cup. Classy huh?
We all finished our lunch as we talked and my daughter was telling us about some ideas she has for her birthday. At one point late in the meal I noticed a couple dudes walk up and grab a table behind my daughter. I really didn’t pay attention because the patio was kind of crowded and they were just a couple of guys eating lunch.
I noticed that the two guys were sitting next to each other and not across from each other which didn’t seem to be a big deal as I figured they were probably expecting another person or two. As my daughter continued to tell us of her plans I noticed something that caught my eye.
Dude on the right put his hand on his friend’s back as if he was consoling or comforting him. I still thought nothing of it and continued to listen to my daughter. Suddenly my attention was diverted back to the other table. The guy’s hand started sliding down the friend’s back. And it kept going.
Without warning, fingers grabbed shirt and hand slid inside the jeans and under the drawers. Before glancing at Arika (who was sitting next to me), I noted that while “squeezing the Charmin” the guy was also eating a slice of pizza. My first thought was of the Alanis Morissette song, One Hand In My Pocket. My second thought was, “”That’s not his pocket”.
Arika blurted, “Time to bounce,” as I said, “I’m ready to go.” My daughter, who was sitting with her back to the show, had no clue why we were suddenly ready to leave and after walking 20 or 30 feet asked why we were both in a hurry.
As we headed to the car Arika relayed the story to my daughter who was kind of surprised but also kind of glad she didn’t actually see it for herself. After returning to the house I was asked if I took a picture, which of course I didn’t. I really wish I had because before we were out of the parking lot I knew I had today’s blog post.
I’m not here to judge but I don’t think the patio outside a crowded Costco at 12:15 PM is the best place to get a little “down the pants” action. Not even if it was a guy and a girl. Not even if it was two chicks.
Would that be considered third base or was the guy trying to steal home? If Alanis ever remakes her hit she could croon, “He’s got one hand eating pizza and the other one is giving a low five.”



P.S. If you think about it, the guy was really just grabbing a slice with both hands.
*Bullshat is the past tense of bullshit.

Granny Spam

According to Urban Dictionary, Granny Spam is:

Unwanted, non-personal email received from a family member, friend or colleague.

Granny spam has usually been forwarded several times and concerns such inane topics as childish jokes, dubious political propaganda, spurious computer security alerts or claims of monetary recompense in exchange for forwarding of said spam.





Does your mom forward you weird stuff? Yeah. Mine too. Here are a few “highlights from this week.



[I'm not sure why I needed to be in the loop on this one, but I was.]



Look clearly at the 2014 rate compared to the 2013 rate.

For those of you who are on Medicare, read the following. It’s short, but
important and you probably haven’t heard about it in the Mainstream News:

“The per person Medicare Insurance Premium will increase from the present
Monthly Fee of $96.40, rising to:

$104.20 in 2012

$120.20 in 2013

And

$247.00 in 2014.”

These are Provisions incorporated in the Obamacare Legislation, purposely
delayed so as not to confuse the 2012 Re-Election Campaigns. Send this to
all Seniors that you know, so they will know who’s throwing them under the
bus.

                    The picture has nothing to do with Medicare. It’s in Quebec, eh.





                                  Never underestimate our canine friends.

When President Obama went to Fort Campbell, Kentucky, last week for a highly publicized, but very private meeting with the commando team that killed Osama bin Laden, only one of the 81 members of the super-secret SEAL DevGru unit was identified by name: Cairo, the war dog.
Cairo, like most canine members of the elite U.S. Navy SEALs, is a Belgian Malinois. The Malinois breed is similar to German shepherds but smaller and More compact, with an adult male weighing in the 30-kilo range.
Like their human counterparts, the dog SEALs are highly trained, highly Skilled, highly motivated special ops experts, able to perform Extraordinary military missions by SEa, Air and Land (thus the acronym).
The dogs, equipped with video cameras, also enter certain danger zones First, allowing their handlers to see what’s ahead before humans follow. As I mentioned before, SEAL dogs are even trained parachutists, jumping Either in tandem with their handlers or solo, if the jump is into water.
Last year canine parachute instructor Mike Forsythe and his dog Cara set The world record for highest man-dog parachute deployment, jumping from more than 30,100 feet up the altitude transoceanic passenger jets fly at. Both Forsythe and Cara were wearing oxygen masks and skin protectors for The jump.

When the SEAL DevGru team (usually known by its old designation, Team 6) Hit bin Laden’s Pakistan compound on May 2, Cairo ’s feet would have been Four of the first on the ground.
And like the human SEALs, Cairo was wearing super-strong, flexible body Armour and outfitted with high-tech equipment that included “doggles” Specially designed and fitted dog goggles with night-vision and infrared Capability that would even allow Cairo to see human heat forms through Concrete walls.

How cool is this?
Have a great weekend…

Why math is important. Science too.

"I mean, some cars tires turn faster than others…”


Chelsea

Tuesday night my Muse texted me with a link to a YouTube video and implored me to watch it because, “The dumb bitch really had me laughing.” Having nothing better to do at the moment, I clicked on the link and proceeded to be surprised at just how stupid graduates of the American high school system can be.




Why was I surprised? Not by the fact that the guy (Travis) was filming himself with his phone as he was driving (as we would soon find out) 80 MPH across Idaho. The first thing Travis said was “I just proposed a math question to my beautiful wife Chelsea.” That didn’t surprise me either. (Yo Einstein, you “presented” her with a math question, not “proposed” one to her) The question was, “How long does it take to drive 80 miles if you’re driving 80 MPH.”

When did the surprise happen? It happened right after he flipped the phone over to show his blond wife, Chelsea. Chelsea quickly stared the math off by discussing how fast she can run a mile when she’s in shape and when she’s out. It only gets more confusing after that because she starts talking about cutting things in half before yammering about God knows what. The good news is that is I feel WAY better about myself after watching the video. I really do.
I think the only video funnier than this would be to video Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory) as he’s watching this video. He would be in a straight jacket by the end of the first minute. Guaranteed.

Also, Chelsea might not understand sarcasm but I guarantee that pretty much everyone else in America does. The driver might want to remember that when Chelsea throws him out (if she hasn’t already) and he needs to find another woman. I’m hoping that Chelsea was having a bad day and that she’s really not that mathematically challenged, but I’m not overly optimistic.
I swear to God that any time a kid wants to drop out of school, they should be shown this video. I’m not even sure where to begin, so I’m going to let you watch this and leave me your comments. Please leave me your comments. I really want to read them.





P.S. In case anyone wants to argue that “propose” is correct, I leave you with this:

pro·pose

-pos·ing. verb (used with object)

1. to offer or suggest (a matter, subject, case, etc.) for consideration, acceptance, or action: to propose a new method.

2. to offer (a toast).

3. to suggest: He proposed that a messenger be sent.

4. to present or nominate (a person) for some position, office, membership, etc.

5. to put before oneself as something to be done; design; intend.

Elway, Manning, Tebow and why God hates me

He’s the kind of guy that you hate with a passion, until he comes to your team.

I’m a Raider fan and make no apologies for that. I’ve loved the Raiders since I was a kid and I will until the day I die. I tell you this so you understand why I’m saying the things I’m saying in this post.




Monday morning I woke up feeling good. The previous evening was spent making fun of Aubrey O Day as I watched Celebrity Apprentice and I was looking forward to seeing what the day held. I threw on a t-shirt, grey cardigan, jeans, Converse and after my 19-year-old daughter (who I affectionately call Drama Queen) was off to school I went to eat breakfast. As I sipped green tea and ate blackberries and raspberries I turned on my computer and immediately felt sick. “Manning chooses Broncos” appeared on my screen.
“Jesus Christ” I yelled. “This blows.” There was no one in the house with me but I still felt the need to vocally declare my unhappiness. As a Raider fan the Broncos were the last team I wanted Peyton to go to. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the hell out of Manning and what he’s done in his career. He’s one of the best ever and that’s precisely the reason I’m less than thrilled about the choice of teams.
The last thing I want is for my Raiders to once again face one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time twice a year but as I continued to contemplate the ramifications of the event I was struck with the proverbial silver lining to this very black cloud. Manning coming in means that the person I detest most in the NFL, Tim Tebow (or as I like to call him, “Teblow”), is getting kicked to the curb.
My favorite clipboard holder will be getting a new home and that makes me very happy. I never got the whole Tebowmania thing. The guy completed 46.5% of his passes (126 of 271) and had a QB rating of 72.9. Dude lost to Buffalo 40-14 and completed just 13 passes. Actually, if you count his three interceptions he completed 16. Throw in his two fumbles and you can see that the guy is not a quality quarterback.
Tebow Nation will respond by pointing you to the games he won but I reply by saying the only way the Broncos won those games was by some sort of dumb luck or divine intervention. You can’t tell me that when a guy completes two of his eight passes for a total of 25 yards that he deserves the credit for the win against KC. Absolutely not. Could I do any better? No, but I’m not pretending to be an NFL quarterback. My guess is now when Timmy “Tebows” he’s praying for a backup job somewhere and not a gig as the third string/guy who shags the loose balls at practice.
Tim Tebow isn’t my problem anymore. Peyton Manning is. As a fan of the silver and black I can only pray that Carson Palmer gets in sync with his receivers and that he has the kind of year he’s capable of having. If not, the Godfather will roll over in his grave as his much-hated Broncos defeat the team he built and then tore down.
I thought John Elway was smoking crack for drafting Tebow as high as he did but I have a renewed respect for the man who said “Tebow will be our starter next year” then sent him packing. Elway is a guy that I respect the hell out of for what he accomplished in his career as a player and now as an executive, but I don’t like him because he beat the snot out of my Raiders time and again as a player and now it seems he’s found a way to do it again as an executive. He’s the kind of guy that you hate with a passion, until he comes to your team.
Why do I say God hates me? Simple. I prayed daily that Manning would sign with anyone other than the Broncos or Niners. My friend, Wes is a huge San Fran fan and I know the kind of taunting I would have received had Manning arrived on the wrong side of the bay. Thankfully I won’t be hearing Wes run his yap about that but I know I’ll get an earful when the Raiders and Broncos hook up.
If I could ask Peyton Manning one thing it would be this. “Why not Tennessee?” It’s a nice state. Elvis lived there. You went to college there. People in that state worship you. You had an owner who wanted you badly and fans that would go crazy for you. Wouldn’t that be the perfect fit for you? If Tennessee is good enough for the King it’s good enough for you.
In Denver you have to play outside in the cold and the snow. In Tennessee its warmer and they make Jack Daniels there. You broke my heart Peyton Manning and for that I pray that my Raiders find a way to shut you down, sack you, intercept you and limit your touchdown productivity. I’m not optimistic that will happen because as I said before, I’m pretty sure God hates me.
                                               

                    If you’ve never seen the Tim Tebow skit on SNL, check it out.

Stuff my mom forwarded me this week

I was sitting at my desk the other day when I received an e-mail from my mom. Then I got another. And then one more. All told I received three forwarded e-mails in a five minute period, which was actually a pretty slow day for her. After deleting the e-mails without reading them I had a thought.






“Why not take the best of her forwards every week and make them into a blog post?”  I was kinda proud of myself for coming up with the idea, even if it does make me seem totally lazy. These are the ones I felt I could post without offending segments of the population. That being said, take a look at what my mom sent me this week.


A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not…

California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as

PINO MORE

Brain Study….

Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it…I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers. Have fun.

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.

[This made me dizzy just looking at it and I didn't try to read it]

                               

Kicking a Star in his land down under

I’m still unclear on the whole “Nicole Richie fashion icon” premise

Tuesday night I turned on Fashion Star about halfway through. Don’t judge me for that until you hear my reasons.
A) My niece is a fashion designer
B) I needed to figure out why the commercials touted Nicole Richie as a “fashion icon”
C) This show has meltdown written all over it and the truth is, I enjoy a good train wreck
I tuned in about 45 minutes into the 90 minute show and as soon as it came on I was struck by a realization. Jessica Simpson has very large breasts. The reason I say this is because the first thing I saw was a close up of her cleavage thanks to some director at NBC. They went back to it several times which I don’t completely understand because I believe this to be a show mainly for women, but who am I to argue with how they do things, right?
The next thing I saw was a short Latin designer in a baby blue bowler. After a moment I picked up my phone to text my brother.
I just turned on Fashion Star. Is that a dude in the baby blue bowler or is it a chick?
He responded by telling me he was taping the show so he had no clue. Later in the show I came to the conclusion that it was a dude. Either that or a woman named Oscar. I’m sure from this photo you can see why I was confused. Considering he’s wearing an orange one in this pic, I can only assume that brightly colored bowlers are his “thing”.
The concept of the show is kind of interesting. There are three mentors, Jessica, Nicole and some guy I know nothing about other than he’s from Detroit. The trio give the contestants suggestions before they make their garments and present them on stage. The designers then show their piece on the runway to buyers from Macy’s, Saks and H & M. Some contestants listen to the mentors advice and others do not. One woman listened to the advice given to her and ended up with a $50,000 order from H & M. “Good for her,” I said out loud to my dog, Lucy.
An Australian guy who thinks his shit don’t stink didn’t listen to the mentors. In fact, he told Jessica Simpson that he didn’t know why she and Nicole were critiquing men’s fashion since they were women and therefore didn’t know anything about men’s fashion. At this point I looked over at Lucy and said, “This is gonna be good.” I was not wrong.
The guy was designing some “high end” motorcycle jacket that frankly looked pretty much like a hundred other jackets I’ve seen on clearance racks. They weren’t bad, but there was nothing unique about them. This guy had the balls to tell Jessica “It’s hard to understand girls giving advice when it comes to men’s fashion.” If you don’t believe me, check out the clip at the bottom of the page.
That wasn’t a smooth move when you consider that the buyers from Macy’s and H & M were women. I don’t know the ins and outs of the fashion world, but I’m pretty sure you don’t talk to buyers like that if you want them to buy your mediocre clothing. Needless to say, he didn’t receive any offers.
Big props to the creators of the show for streamlining the process. Most reality game shows stretch out the critiques and the kicking off of someone, but this show flowed really well. My only question is about Nicole Richie. I don’t understand how being Paris Hilton’s former BFF and parking your car backwards in the fast lane of a freeway makes you a fashion icon. But as I said before, I don’t know the ins and outs of the fashion world, so I’m going to assume the creators know what they’re doing.
My two favorite moments were when the Aussie guy dissed women and said they know nothing about fashion and when they booted his ass off the show because “It’s apparent you can’t listen to constructive criticism.” To be clear, the reason it was a favorite moment is because it was ridiculous, not because I agreed with the douche.
I also liked watching the reaction of the designers who finally realized their dream of having something they created being sold in a major retailer. That has to be a huge thing. I know I'll be really proud of my niece when her design's are in a major retail in a few years from now. I imagine it feels kind of like I felt when I saw my first blog published in a magazine, only a thousand times better.
I missed the first half of the show but I saw a couple other designers who look like they could be train wreck material, which means I definitely need to watch again next week. If I had to bet I would guess that the next one to go will be the androgynous chick (her description not mine) who designed a man’s shirt collar with an attached tie for women to wear as an accessory. The only thing that saved her ass last night was the fact that Aussie boy is a dick.
I’m still unclear on the whole “Nicole Richie fashion icon” premise and I would appreciate it if someone could please explain that to me. Gracias.

                                               

An amazing voice

Christina’s rack isn’t the focus of this post. Seriously.



Dateline: Monday night
Around 9:30 I began channel surfing and came across The Voice. I’ve never seen the show but I heard some dude singing and he sounded good. Damn good actually. With one of my favorite train wrecks (The Bachelor) cutting in and out thanks to my POS antenna, I decided to listen to the guy sing.
Apparently they were in some sort of battle round and Christina Aguilera paired a dude named Jesse Campbell against a guy named Anthony Evans. Both have rad voices but I was most intrigued by the story of Jesse. Jesse is a dad who was once homeless with his daughter after his wife left them.
Dude was as down and out as you can be but he never gave up. He kept singing and praying and finding ways to make life better for his child and for himself. I respect the hell out of that. I really do. If he were here now I would give him a man hug and a fist bump, though probably not in that order.
This guy has a set of pipes that seriously blew me away. Last night they showed Jesse’s blind audition and just moments into his song all four judges buzzed in, which I believe is a good thing. I’m not really sure how the whole competition goes but I think if more than one judge wants you, the choice is up to the singer.
If I’m right, that explains the massive cleavage Christina shows on every commercial for the show. And on last night’s episode. I’m a huge fan of cleavage (and the cleavage doesn’t have to be huge to be nice) but I think that the amount of exposed bosom the former Mouseketeer was showing could be deemed public nudity in several countries around the world. To be clear, I would never visit any of those countries.
Christina’s rack isn’t the focus of this post. Seriously. This is about a dad who never gave up and who though sleeping in a car with his daughter, made something of himself. Whenever I get that “feeling shitty about my lot in life” attitude I’m going to try and remember Jesse. He’s an inspiration to me and to anyone who feels that they can’t find a way out of the rut they’re stuck in.
Believe it or not, I don’t have a lot to say about this. That’s probably because the story of Jesse is pretty clear. It doesn’t matter what life throws at you, if you keep trying, eventually opportunity will find its way to your door and God help you if you don’t answer it!
 One final thought. My daughter Breana forced me to watch American Idol last week and both Jesse and Anthony were better than any of the dudes remaining on Idol. WAY better.
I’m not sure what happens on The Voice from here because as I said at the beginning, I’ve never watched the show before. I haven’t heard any of the other contestants sing but I’m certainly pulling for Jesse, the pastor’s kid from the Windy City. Want to know who won? Jesse did, but no way would I have wanted to be Christina last night. This contest was too close to call. Check out the head-to-head battle between Jesse and Anthony.

                             

        *Jesse is wearing a white shirt and doesn’t have glasses.

Look What I Caught!

Look What I Caught!, a photo by benjamin_valadez on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
Every fisherman has a story, Only a select few have proof...