Tuesday, December 18, 2012
What Joseph of Nazareth can teach us about being a man
The infancy narrative, the birth of Jesus Christ, is one of the most widely known and beloved historic accounts in all of human history. In the days to come, countless children will perform its reenactment and clergy will reaffirm its significance the world over. While their place in our story of redemption can’t be overstated, another importance of the holy family as they are referred, Jesus, his mother Mary and earthly father Joseph is their embodiment of what we should all aim for in our relationships, our faith, and ourselves. The nativity is one of human courage, unwavering faith, and sacrificial love; and though the record naturally centers on Jesus and his mother Mary, Joseph occupies an important albeit secondary role.
"Joseph could very well be the first man in history who refused to allow ‘blood’ to keep him from being a daddy."
We are introduced to Joseph in the books of Matthew and Luke within the canonical gospels. Eastern Orthodox tradition holds that Joseph was a widower of middle age with several children under his care when he meets and agrees to betroth the much younger Mary. It’s in preparation for the upcoming nuptials that we enter their story.
As I think on the nativity I can’t help but to reflect on Joseph and the role he played in the birth of Jesus and particularly what the story of his life reveals to all those who read it today, especially of men. It’s through the eyes of a man that I’m led to the belief that Joseph has much to still teach about us manhood some two thousand years later.
Joseph was man of character – it’s difficult to debate the strong moral fiber of Joseph. For starters, if in fact Joseph was a widower, he was so with four or more children in tow and just as many reasons to pawn those children off on others for their care and protection. Yet he upheld his fatherly obligation and searched for a suitable and required replacement for his deceased wife never forgetting the responsibility he bore as their father. Second, upon hearing of Mary’s pregnancy during their betrothal ‘he decided not to put shame upon her and resolved to divorce her quietly’ when Jewish law called for an adulteress to be stoned. We would do well to remember Joseph’s integrity when we desire to walk out on our children, sacrifice our family for the gleam of the corporate latter, or demoralize and humiliate our wives for a good laugh.
Joseph was a man of courage and sacrifice – Contrary to popular perceptions, first century Jerusalem was not a land of peace and plenty as the yearly Christmas play might otherwise portray. At the time of Jesus’s birth the Jewish nation was under the yoke of a Roman Empire and Judea was under the heel of King Herod the Great, a madman drunk with power and willing to do whatever to maintain it including the murder of his own family. It was a dangerous and unstable time for any Jew and especially that of a meager carpenter, his children, and a pregnant bride. When the king heard of the potential coming of the prophesied Messiah, Herod decreed that all boys in the town of Bethlehem under the age of two be summarily executed in the hopes of stifling any future usurper. When revealed in a dream of what was to come Joseph packed his family including a newborn son and made the 200 plus mile trip to Egypt and relative safety only to make the trip back several years later upon Herod’s death. In a world of convenience on demand it’s easy to grow agitated with the needs of our children and the sacrifices we are asked to make for their behalf. Joseph’s courage and surrender should be a constant reminder that all fathers are called first and foremost to protect and serve their families.
Joseph was a man of acceptance – It is vitally important that we realize this fact. Joseph underwent the certain shame of marrying a recognized adulterer, dodged the wrath of a blood thirsty ruler, and navigated the perilous journey across a lifeless desert all for a son that was never truly his. This is a detail which can’t be emphasized enough. He did what the Jewish community said he wasn’t required to do. Joseph could very well be the first man in history who refused to allow ‘blood’ to keep him from being a daddy. He fathered his step-son in much the same way any first century father would his own legitimate male child, as evidenced by a name Jesus was often referred by, the Carpenter from Galilee.
It’s interesting to note that the only knowledge we have of Joseph is contained within a few versus of the New Testament, yet his name has lived on for over twenty centuries. It’s arguable that he is the greatest father that ever lived, who else would willing to accept the pressure of raising the Savior of the world and God incarnate? Maybe that’s why Joseph is not just a saint, but the Patron Saint of Fathers.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Convulsions of Conscience
There are events which occur in life where the contemplation around their true meaning is enough leave our consciences in a state of upheaval. The accounts of heroism and bravery amid the tragedy of 9/11 come immediately to mind. The numerous actions of rescue personnel and random citizens who sacrificed their own lives to save those of complete strangers force me to ask if I have even a fraction of that courage and self sacrifice.
Then too I try and envision the victims trapped in those burning buildings as they came to grips with the hopelessness of their circumstances and the reality they faced – remain trapped or jump. With both means producing the same certain
end, how did they rationalize one over the other? What went through their minds as they settled on an answer? Were they horrified as the inevitable approached or did they face the end calm and resolute?
As I think on these things I’m left with no alternative but to ask myself ‘What would I have done?’ and then question my very character as a man when I am disappointed in the answer I receive. Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be.
Over a decade later I still shutter at those thoughts, yet I believe it’s an important soul cleansing exercise. To begin with it chips away at my callous heart beaten numb by this flippant world where death and loss lead every newscast. Second, I’m driven to a new appreciation for my current well being when our land of milk and honey allows us to take it all for granted. And third, it immediately shuts down any criticism I may have as my arrogance and self-righteousness whither in the shadow of this convulsion of conscience.
Late last week another tragic event had a similar effect and reminded me again of that great divide within me. The incident involved a homeless man charged and finally arrested for purposefully pushing a fellow pedestrian off the platform on the 49th train station in New York City. This is said to be a New Yorker’s worst nightmare and I’ve been in enough train stations to understand why. The 58-year-old Ki Suck Han struggled by some estimates for 1-2 minutes trying to climb back off the tracks before succumbing to the onrushing train and later dying at the hospital.
Murder in and of itself is so recurrent in our culture it’s barely considered newsworthy anymore and this is especially so in the city that never sleeps, however Mr. Han’s death reinvigorated a discussion, in the most unpredictable of ways, of what I consider an even greater injustice.
Once readers’ move beyond those shocking words, the image in the background is sufficient to take the breath away. In a world of Photoshop and special effects where reality is repeatedly called into question this image garners an altogether different reaction. In light of the corresponding story one question quickly surfaces in the minds of most “Why didn’t the photographer help the man!?”
"Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be."
As legitimate as that question may be, what’s just as distressing is that no other passenger seemed bothered to aid Mr. Han either – there’s no one else in the picture. At this point it would be easy to throw stones questioning the humanity of everyone on that platform – why did they not bother to help him? But when I consider what I might have done had I been there to witness this tragic event my conscience leads me to throw the stones on the ground.
Most of us have this false notion that we’re more gallant and altruistic than we really are. As we sit nestled in our protective cocoons we find it easy to cast doubt on the morality of each of those passengers who watched this man die. We quickly question their goodness all the while failing to give full consideration to the goodness or lack thereof within our own hearts.
Where this misconception comes from I don’t know. Maybe intent is what really matters. Is my desire to help all that’s needed to be courageous? Or because I’ve assisted a few stranded motorists’ jump start their cars does that imply I’m noble and brave? Unfortunately this means little after I stop to consider what my first reaction may been on that fateful day.
Would I have instinctively rushed to assist with no afterthought to the personal risks? Would I have thrown myself into certain harm’s way to help a stranger in need? Or would I have assumed, like I usually do when someone’s stranded on the roadside, that help is already on the way and they don’t need mine? Or presume that they were vicious serial killers bent on finding their next victim and then feel proud of myself that I’m so sensible?
Sadly I’m compelled to admit that I would likely have done little more than the photographer or his fellow passengers. I want to say that I would have jeopardized my own life for the the sake of his, but I can’t. I’m still living in the gap of who I am and who I want to be and what honor I may possess doesn’t eclipse my fears or the selfish belief that I’m vastly more important alive than a man facing death on the train tracks. I would have likely stood there in stunned amazement watching that train bear down on him. And much like the others spent the rest of my life medicating the guilt convincing myself there was nothing I could have done.
My heart goes out to the family of Mr. Sun and their tragic loss. But I can’t help but feel more pity for the others in that station – those who chose do to nothing. Do they question their own humanity? Are they depressed, ashamed, or angry? And if given a second chance would they acted differently? Only God knows what their souls must be struggling with today as they deal with these questions.
We all live in the space between who we are and who we claim to be, for some that expanse is larger than others, and not a one of us, starting with myself, can say with any shred of honesty what we would have done had we been there. So before I call into question the dignity of those who did nothing, it’s best I search within my own heart for the answer ‘What would I have done?’ – then pray that I never have the opportunity to find out.
Then too I try and envision the victims trapped in those burning buildings as they came to grips with the hopelessness of their circumstances and the reality they faced – remain trapped or jump. With both means producing the same certain
end, how did they rationalize one over the other? What went through their minds as they settled on an answer? Were they horrified as the inevitable approached or did they face the end calm and resolute?
As I think on these things I’m left with no alternative but to ask myself ‘What would I have done?’ and then question my very character as a man when I am disappointed in the answer I receive. Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be.
Over a decade later I still shutter at those thoughts, yet I believe it’s an important soul cleansing exercise. To begin with it chips away at my callous heart beaten numb by this flippant world where death and loss lead every newscast. Second, I’m driven to a new appreciation for my current well being when our land of milk and honey allows us to take it all for granted. And third, it immediately shuts down any criticism I may have as my arrogance and self-righteousness whither in the shadow of this convulsion of conscience.
Late last week another tragic event had a similar effect and reminded me again of that great divide within me. The incident involved a homeless man charged and finally arrested for purposefully pushing a fellow pedestrian off the platform on the 49th train station in New York City. This is said to be a New Yorker’s worst nightmare and I’ve been in enough train stations to understand why. The 58-year-old Ki Suck Han struggled by some estimates for 1-2 minutes trying to climb back off the tracks before succumbing to the onrushing train and later dying at the hospital.
Murder in and of itself is so recurrent in our culture it’s barely considered newsworthy anymore and this is especially so in the city that never sleeps, however Mr. Han’s death reinvigorated a discussion, in the most unpredictable of ways, of what I consider an even greater injustice.
Once readers’ move beyond those shocking words, the image in the background is sufficient to take the breath away. In a world of Photoshop and special effects where reality is repeatedly called into question this image garners an altogether different reaction. In light of the corresponding story one question quickly surfaces in the minds of most “Why didn’t the photographer help the man!?”
"Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be."
As legitimate as that question may be, what’s just as distressing is that no other passenger seemed bothered to aid Mr. Han either – there’s no one else in the picture. At this point it would be easy to throw stones questioning the humanity of everyone on that platform – why did they not bother to help him? But when I consider what I might have done had I been there to witness this tragic event my conscience leads me to throw the stones on the ground.
Most of us have this false notion that we’re more gallant and altruistic than we really are. As we sit nestled in our protective cocoons we find it easy to cast doubt on the morality of each of those passengers who watched this man die. We quickly question their goodness all the while failing to give full consideration to the goodness or lack thereof within our own hearts.
Where this misconception comes from I don’t know. Maybe intent is what really matters. Is my desire to help all that’s needed to be courageous? Or because I’ve assisted a few stranded motorists’ jump start their cars does that imply I’m noble and brave? Unfortunately this means little after I stop to consider what my first reaction may been on that fateful day.
Would I have instinctively rushed to assist with no afterthought to the personal risks? Would I have thrown myself into certain harm’s way to help a stranger in need? Or would I have assumed, like I usually do when someone’s stranded on the roadside, that help is already on the way and they don’t need mine? Or presume that they were vicious serial killers bent on finding their next victim and then feel proud of myself that I’m so sensible?
Sadly I’m compelled to admit that I would likely have done little more than the photographer or his fellow passengers. I want to say that I would have jeopardized my own life for the the sake of his, but I can’t. I’m still living in the gap of who I am and who I want to be and what honor I may possess doesn’t eclipse my fears or the selfish belief that I’m vastly more important alive than a man facing death on the train tracks. I would have likely stood there in stunned amazement watching that train bear down on him. And much like the others spent the rest of my life medicating the guilt convincing myself there was nothing I could have done.
My heart goes out to the family of Mr. Sun and their tragic loss. But I can’t help but feel more pity for the others in that station – those who chose do to nothing. Do they question their own humanity? Are they depressed, ashamed, or angry? And if given a second chance would they acted differently? Only God knows what their souls must be struggling with today as they deal with these questions.
We all live in the space between who we are and who we claim to be, for some that expanse is larger than others, and not a one of us, starting with myself, can say with any shred of honesty what we would have done had we been there. So before I call into question the dignity of those who did nothing, it’s best I search within my own heart for the answer ‘What would I have done?’ – then pray that I never have the opportunity to find out.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Microwave Love: Why relationships are so hard
My parents bought our first microwave oven when I was in junior high school in the mid-70’s. The size of a compact car, this contraption took up one side of our kitchen counter tops. I believe my mom and dad debated for months on whether they would buy it, in those days a microwave was not cheap like they are today, but I think what closed the deal was one predominate factor – my mom wanted to cook bacon in it.
Along with the microwave they bought a special microwave-safe grease catching bacon cooker. Simply, it was a dish that allowed her to cook the bacon while the grease drained into a lower tray. In about two minutes per slice we had perfectly crisp deliciousness with 98% of the normal artery clogging cholesterol. My mother was ecstatic!
Our family would never be the same again. This one kitchen utensil became the epitome of effortless carefree living and from that moment on any item we bought was not only judged for its value but more importantly how much easier it would make our lives.
I have a fascination with human nature; in other words understanding the why behind what we, as humans, do. Why do we make the choices we make, what motivates one person towards this direction while another goes in the opposite? And my preoccupation with this how, what, and why lies particularly in the area of romantic relationships. Why do some relationships succeed while so many others fail, is marriage circling the drain, and why do people cheat? I’m told I should have been a Psychologist, yet there’s the whole schooling thing and I can think of many things I’d rather do with eight years of my life.
So my alternative – write a blog.
On a recent episode of He Said She Said, the host mentioned how many of her divorced clients bemoan that ‘relationships are so hard now!?!’ It’s a question I find intriguing. We live at a time where more is known about the dynamics of human relationships than any other, we have more research, more experts, and more knowledge about how people interact with each other and especially in romantic relationships and marriage. Every year thousands of books are written promising to improve our love lives, yet for all of this wisdom it seems we’re still no better at making romantic relationships last. Sure we can get into them but we can’t find a way to stay there. A man can go to the moon but he can’t seem to stay happily married.
We may be able to put a man on the moon but can’t seem to keep him and his wife happily married.
When we consider the question ‘why are relationships so hard today?’ The first thing I wonder, is that even the right question to ask? I’m not so sure it is. Here’s what I mean, earlier this year I took a graduate level Quantitative Reasoning class. The name alone makes me fall into the fetal position. From the moment I saw the professor’s agenda I absolutely freaked. While I like numbers, I don’t like them that much and I was worried sick at how hard the class was going to be. But seeing as I had no choice if I ever hoped to graduate, I manned up and braced myself for what was to come. Because I knew the class was going to be difficult, I prepared harder, asked more questions, and spent more time studying for the final. I took nothing for granted. And when it was all over and the grades were released not only did I do well I aced the class.
Was I better at math than I thought? Did I suddenly get smarter? Or was it the fact that I worked harder, because of that expectation that the class would be difficult? Would I have fared the same if I had asked the question ‘why is Quantitative Reasoning so hard now?!?’
Here’s where I’m going with this. On a daily basis we are bombarded with products and services that promise will make our lives easy. We have phones apps for every conceivable life situation, dry cleaners will deliver laundry to your front door, and computers allow us to live ordinary lives without ever leaving our homes. Everything is designed for and catered to meet our ever-growing demand for ease and comfort. And much like my family and that microwave we have grown use to it. So much so, I’ve convinced that not only do we judge the value of things by their perceived ease and convenience; I think we now do the same with those around us.
Almost subconsciously, we’ve come to believe, even require, that our relationships be just as effortless as our phone app or my mother’s microwave. How do I know this? The question itself provides the answer. By asking ‘Why are relationships so hard?!?’ it supposes that relationships should, at some level, be easy. If I were to ask you ‘why did it rain today?’ aren’t I assuming or at the least hoping that it shouldn’t have rained? I believe it’s an important point that must be considered. Because here’s the real heart of the matter, if I have the mistaken belief that a good relationship should be somehow easy, don’t I feel a bit more justified in walking away when it starts getting difficult?
The Queen and I have an amazing relationship, better than anything I have ever had. Yet when people ask why it’s so good they are usually stumped by the answer. Our relationship isn’t awesome because the stars aligned putting together two people who are perfect for each other; instead we have a great relationship because we constantly work at it. We don’t expect our relationship to be easy and because of that must work, prepare, and plan more. When other couples have delusions that their relationship should be at a level where hard work is no longer necessary, we’re still doing many of the things that has gotten us where we are today.
And we also realize that just because we must work hard it doesn’t imply the relationship is falling over the cliff. We don’t buy into the popular notion that the moment a relationship becomes hard it must be over. We can’t feel that way because there’s little chance that two divorced parents with one child will have it all magically fall into place. We not only recognize it’s hard now, we fully anticipate it to be just as hard, if not more so, later, forcing us to keep at it.
But that shouldn’t be viewed as a pessimistic outlook on things. The truth of the matter is this, as soon as we expect our relationship to be easy that will be the very same moment we stop putting forth the extra effort. And should that ever happen the Queen and I will find ourselves standing amid the ruin, like so many others, of what once upon a time had been something great.
Along with the microwave they bought a special microwave-safe grease catching bacon cooker. Simply, it was a dish that allowed her to cook the bacon while the grease drained into a lower tray. In about two minutes per slice we had perfectly crisp deliciousness with 98% of the normal artery clogging cholesterol. My mother was ecstatic!
Our family would never be the same again. This one kitchen utensil became the epitome of effortless carefree living and from that moment on any item we bought was not only judged for its value but more importantly how much easier it would make our lives.
I have a fascination with human nature; in other words understanding the why behind what we, as humans, do. Why do we make the choices we make, what motivates one person towards this direction while another goes in the opposite? And my preoccupation with this how, what, and why lies particularly in the area of romantic relationships. Why do some relationships succeed while so many others fail, is marriage circling the drain, and why do people cheat? I’m told I should have been a Psychologist, yet there’s the whole schooling thing and I can think of many things I’d rather do with eight years of my life.
So my alternative – write a blog.
On a recent episode of He Said She Said, the host mentioned how many of her divorced clients bemoan that ‘relationships are so hard now!?!’ It’s a question I find intriguing. We live at a time where more is known about the dynamics of human relationships than any other, we have more research, more experts, and more knowledge about how people interact with each other and especially in romantic relationships and marriage. Every year thousands of books are written promising to improve our love lives, yet for all of this wisdom it seems we’re still no better at making romantic relationships last. Sure we can get into them but we can’t find a way to stay there. A man can go to the moon but he can’t seem to stay happily married.
We may be able to put a man on the moon but can’t seem to keep him and his wife happily married.
When we consider the question ‘why are relationships so hard today?’ The first thing I wonder, is that even the right question to ask? I’m not so sure it is. Here’s what I mean, earlier this year I took a graduate level Quantitative Reasoning class. The name alone makes me fall into the fetal position. From the moment I saw the professor’s agenda I absolutely freaked. While I like numbers, I don’t like them that much and I was worried sick at how hard the class was going to be. But seeing as I had no choice if I ever hoped to graduate, I manned up and braced myself for what was to come. Because I knew the class was going to be difficult, I prepared harder, asked more questions, and spent more time studying for the final. I took nothing for granted. And when it was all over and the grades were released not only did I do well I aced the class.
Was I better at math than I thought? Did I suddenly get smarter? Or was it the fact that I worked harder, because of that expectation that the class would be difficult? Would I have fared the same if I had asked the question ‘why is Quantitative Reasoning so hard now?!?’
Here’s where I’m going with this. On a daily basis we are bombarded with products and services that promise will make our lives easy. We have phones apps for every conceivable life situation, dry cleaners will deliver laundry to your front door, and computers allow us to live ordinary lives without ever leaving our homes. Everything is designed for and catered to meet our ever-growing demand for ease and comfort. And much like my family and that microwave we have grown use to it. So much so, I’ve convinced that not only do we judge the value of things by their perceived ease and convenience; I think we now do the same with those around us.
Almost subconsciously, we’ve come to believe, even require, that our relationships be just as effortless as our phone app or my mother’s microwave. How do I know this? The question itself provides the answer. By asking ‘Why are relationships so hard?!?’ it supposes that relationships should, at some level, be easy. If I were to ask you ‘why did it rain today?’ aren’t I assuming or at the least hoping that it shouldn’t have rained? I believe it’s an important point that must be considered. Because here’s the real heart of the matter, if I have the mistaken belief that a good relationship should be somehow easy, don’t I feel a bit more justified in walking away when it starts getting difficult?
The Queen and I have an amazing relationship, better than anything I have ever had. Yet when people ask why it’s so good they are usually stumped by the answer. Our relationship isn’t awesome because the stars aligned putting together two people who are perfect for each other; instead we have a great relationship because we constantly work at it. We don’t expect our relationship to be easy and because of that must work, prepare, and plan more. When other couples have delusions that their relationship should be at a level where hard work is no longer necessary, we’re still doing many of the things that has gotten us where we are today.
And we also realize that just because we must work hard it doesn’t imply the relationship is falling over the cliff. We don’t buy into the popular notion that the moment a relationship becomes hard it must be over. We can’t feel that way because there’s little chance that two divorced parents with one child will have it all magically fall into place. We not only recognize it’s hard now, we fully anticipate it to be just as hard, if not more so, later, forcing us to keep at it.
But that shouldn’t be viewed as a pessimistic outlook on things. The truth of the matter is this, as soon as we expect our relationship to be easy that will be the very same moment we stop putting forth the extra effort. And should that ever happen the Queen and I will find ourselves standing amid the ruin, like so many others, of what once upon a time had been something great.
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