Tuesday, December 18, 2012

What Joseph of Nazareth can teach us about being a man

The infancy narrative, the birth of Jesus Christ, is one of the most widely known and beloved historic accounts in all of human history. In the days to come, countless children will perform its reenactment and clergy will reaffirm its significance the world over. While their place in our story of redemption can’t be overstated, another importance of the holy family as they are referred, Jesus, his mother Mary and earthly father Joseph is their embodiment of what we should all aim for in our relationships, our faith, and ourselves. The nativity is one of human courage, unwavering faith, and sacrificial love; and though the record naturally centers on Jesus and his mother Mary, Joseph occupies an important albeit secondary role.

"Joseph could very well be the first man in history who refused to allow ‘blood’ to keep him from being a daddy."

We are introduced to Joseph in the books of Matthew and Luke within the canonical gospels. Eastern Orthodox tradition holds that Joseph was a widower of middle age with several children under his care when he meets and agrees to betroth the much younger Mary. It’s in preparation for the upcoming nuptials that we enter their story.

As I think on the nativity I can’t help but to reflect on Joseph and the role he played in the birth of Jesus and particularly what the story of his life reveals to all those who read it today, especially of men. It’s through the eyes of a man that I’m led to the belief that Joseph has much to still teach about us manhood some two thousand years later.

Joseph was man of character – it’s difficult to debate the strong moral fiber of Joseph. For starters, if in fact Joseph was a widower, he was so with four or more children in tow and just as many reasons to pawn those children off on others for their care and protection. Yet he upheld his fatherly obligation and searched for a suitable and required replacement for his deceased wife never forgetting the responsibility he bore as their father. Second, upon hearing of Mary’s pregnancy during their betrothal ‘he decided not to put shame upon her and resolved to divorce her quietly’ when Jewish law called for an adulteress to be stoned. We would do well to remember Joseph’s integrity when we desire to walk out on our children, sacrifice our family for the gleam of the corporate latter, or demoralize and humiliate our wives for a good laugh.

Joseph was a man of courage and sacrifice – Contrary to popular perceptions, first century Jerusalem was not a land of peace and plenty as the yearly Christmas play might otherwise portray. At the time of Jesus’s birth the Jewish nation was under the yoke of a Roman Empire and Judea was under the heel of King Herod the Great, a madman drunk with power and willing to do whatever to maintain it including the murder of his own family. It was a dangerous and unstable time for any Jew and especially that of a meager carpenter, his children, and a pregnant bride. When the king heard of the potential coming of the prophesied Messiah, Herod decreed that all boys in the town of Bethlehem under the age of two be summarily executed in the hopes of stifling any future usurper. When revealed in a dream of what was to come Joseph packed his family including a newborn son and made the 200 plus mile trip to Egypt and relative safety only to make the trip back several years later upon Herod’s death. In a world of convenience on demand it’s easy to grow agitated with the needs of our children and the sacrifices we are asked to make for their behalf. Joseph’s courage and surrender should be a constant reminder that all fathers are called first and foremost to protect and serve their families.

Joseph was a man of acceptance – It is vitally important that we realize this fact. Joseph underwent the certain shame of marrying a recognized adulterer, dodged the wrath of a blood thirsty ruler, and navigated the perilous journey across a lifeless desert all for a son that was never truly his. This is a detail which can’t be emphasized enough. He did what the Jewish community said he wasn’t required to do. Joseph could very well be the first man in history who refused to allow ‘blood’ to keep him from being a daddy. He fathered his step-son in much the same way any first century father would his own legitimate male child, as evidenced by a name Jesus was often referred by, the Carpenter from Galilee.

It’s interesting to note that the only knowledge we have of Joseph is contained within a few versus of the New Testament, yet his name has lived on for over twenty centuries. It’s arguable that he is the greatest father that ever lived, who else would willing to accept the pressure of raising the Savior of the world and God incarnate? Maybe that’s why Joseph is not just a saint, but the Patron Saint of Fathers.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Convulsions of Conscience

There are events which occur in life where the contemplation around their true meaning is enough leave our consciences in a state of upheaval. The accounts of heroism and bravery amid the tragedy of 9/11 come immediately to mind. The numerous actions of rescue personnel and random citizens who sacrificed their own lives to save those of complete strangers force me to ask if I have even a fraction of that courage and self sacrifice.

Then too I try and envision the victims trapped in those burning buildings as they came to grips with the hopelessness of their circumstances and the reality they faced – remain trapped or jump. With both means producing the same certain
end, how did they rationalize one over the other? What went through their minds as they settled on an answer? Were they horrified as the inevitable approached or did they face the end calm and resolute?

As I think on these things I’m left with no alternative but to ask myself ‘What would I have done?’ and then question my very character as a man when I am disappointed in the answer I receive. Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be.

Over a decade later I still shutter at those thoughts, yet I believe it’s an important soul cleansing exercise. To begin with it chips away at my callous heart beaten numb by this flippant world where death and loss lead every newscast. Second, I’m driven to a new appreciation for my current well being when our land of milk and honey allows us to take it all for granted. And third, it immediately shuts down any criticism I may have as my arrogance and self-righteousness whither in the shadow of this convulsion of conscience.

Late last week another tragic event had a similar effect and reminded me again of that great divide within me. The incident involved a homeless man charged and finally arrested for purposefully pushing a fellow pedestrian off the platform on the 49th train station in New York City. This is said to be a New Yorker’s worst nightmare and I’ve been in enough train stations to understand why. The 58-year-old Ki Suck Han struggled by some estimates for 1-2 minutes trying to climb back off the tracks before succumbing to the onrushing train and later dying at the hospital.

Murder in and of itself is so recurrent in our culture it’s barely considered newsworthy anymore and this is especially so in the city that never sleeps, however Mr. Han’s death reinvigorated a discussion, in the most unpredictable of ways, of what I consider an even greater injustice.

Once readers’ move beyond those shocking words, the image in the background is sufficient to take the breath away. In a world of Photoshop and special effects where reality is repeatedly called into question this image garners an altogether different reaction. In light of the corresponding story one question quickly surfaces in the minds of most “Why didn’t the photographer help the man!?”

"Because doing so accentuates the chasm between what I am and what I claim to be."

As legitimate as that question may be, what’s just as distressing is that no other passenger seemed bothered to aid Mr. Han either – there’s no one else in the picture. At this point it would be easy to throw stones questioning the humanity of everyone on that platform – why did they not bother to help him? But when I consider what I might have done had I been there to witness this tragic event my conscience leads me to throw the stones on the ground.

Most of us have this false notion that we’re more gallant and altruistic than we really are. As we sit nestled in our protective cocoons we find it easy to cast doubt on the morality of each of those passengers who watched this man die. We quickly question their goodness all the while failing to give full consideration to the goodness or lack thereof within our own hearts.

Where this misconception comes from I don’t know. Maybe intent is what really matters. Is my desire to help all that’s needed to be courageous? Or because I’ve assisted a few stranded motorists’ jump start their cars does that imply I’m noble and brave? Unfortunately this means little after I stop to consider what my first reaction may been on that fateful day.

Would I have instinctively rushed to assist with no afterthought to the personal risks? Would I have thrown myself into certain harm’s way to help a stranger in need? Or would I have assumed, like I usually do when someone’s stranded on the roadside, that help is already on the way and they don’t need mine? Or presume that they were vicious serial killers bent on finding their next victim and then feel proud of myself that I’m so sensible?

Sadly I’m compelled to admit that I would likely have done little more than the photographer or his fellow passengers. I want to say that I would have jeopardized my own life for the the sake of his, but I can’t. I’m still living in the gap of who I am and who I want to be and what honor I may possess doesn’t eclipse my fears or the selfish belief that I’m vastly more important alive than a man facing death on the train tracks. I would have likely stood there in stunned amazement watching that train bear down on him. And much like the others spent the rest of my life medicating the guilt convincing myself there was nothing I could have done.

My heart goes out to the family of Mr. Sun and their tragic loss. But I can’t help but feel more pity for the others in that station – those who chose do to nothing. Do they question their own humanity? Are they depressed, ashamed, or angry? And if given a second chance would they acted differently? Only God knows what their souls must be struggling with today as they deal with these questions.

We all live in the space between who we are and who we claim to be, for some that expanse is larger than others, and not a one of us, starting with myself, can say with any shred of honesty what we would have done had we been there. So before I call into question the dignity of those who did nothing, it’s best I search within my own heart for the answer ‘What would I have done?’ – then pray that I never have the opportunity to find out.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Microwave Love: Why relationships are so hard

My parents bought our first microwave oven when I was in junior high school in the mid-70’s. The size of a compact car, this contraption took up one side of our kitchen counter tops. I believe my mom and dad debated for months on whether they would buy it, in those days a microwave was not cheap like they are today, but I think what closed the deal was one predominate factor – my mom wanted to cook bacon in it.

Along with the microwave they bought a special microwave-safe grease catching bacon cooker. Simply, it was a dish that allowed her to cook the bacon while the grease drained into a lower tray. In about two minutes per slice we had perfectly crisp deliciousness with 98% of the normal artery clogging cholesterol. My mother was ecstatic!

Our family would never be the same again. This one kitchen utensil became the epitome of effortless carefree living and from that moment on any item we bought was not only judged for its value but more importantly how much easier it would make our lives.

I have a fascination with human nature; in other words understanding the why behind what we, as humans, do. Why do we make the choices we make, what motivates one person towards this direction while another goes in the opposite? And my preoccupation with this how, what, and why lies particularly in the area of romantic relationships. Why do some relationships succeed while so many others fail, is marriage circling the drain, and why do people cheat? I’m told I should have been a Psychologist, yet there’s the whole schooling thing and I can think of many things I’d rather do with eight years of my life.

So my alternative – write a blog.

On a recent episode of He Said She Said, the host mentioned how many of her divorced clients bemoan that ‘relationships are so hard now!?!’ It’s a question I find intriguing. We live at a time where more is known about the dynamics of human relationships than any other, we have more research, more experts, and more knowledge about how people interact with each other and especially in romantic relationships and marriage. Every year thousands of books are written promising to improve our love lives, yet for all of this wisdom it seems we’re still no better at making romantic relationships last. Sure we can get into them but we can’t find a way to stay there. A man can go to the moon but he can’t seem to stay happily married.

We may be able to put a man on the moon but can’t seem to keep him and his wife happily married.

When we consider the question ‘why are relationships so hard today?’ The first thing I wonder, is that even the right question to ask? I’m not so sure it is. Here’s what I mean, earlier this year I took a graduate level Quantitative Reasoning class. The name alone makes me fall into the fetal position. From the moment I saw the professor’s agenda I absolutely freaked. While I like numbers, I don’t like them that much and I was worried sick at how hard the class was going to be. But seeing as I had no choice if I ever hoped to graduate, I manned up and braced myself for what was to come. Because I knew the class was going to be difficult, I prepared harder, asked more questions, and spent more time studying for the final. I took nothing for granted. And when it was all over and the grades were released not only did I do well I aced the class.

Was I better at math than I thought? Did I suddenly get smarter? Or was it the fact that I worked harder, because of that expectation that the class would be difficult? Would I have fared the same if I had asked the question ‘why is Quantitative Reasoning so hard now?!?’

Here’s where I’m going with this. On a daily basis we are bombarded with products and services that promise will make our lives easy. We have phones apps for every conceivable life situation, dry cleaners will deliver laundry to your front door, and computers allow us to live ordinary lives without ever leaving our homes. Everything is designed for and catered to meet our ever-growing demand for ease and comfort. And much like my family and that microwave we have grown use to it. So much so, I’ve convinced that not only do we judge the value of things by their perceived ease and convenience; I think we now do the same with those around us.

Almost subconsciously, we’ve come to believe, even require, that our relationships be just as effortless as our phone app or my mother’s microwave. How do I know this? The question itself provides the answer. By asking ‘Why are relationships so hard?!?’ it supposes that relationships should, at some level, be easy. If I were to ask you ‘why did it rain today?’ aren’t I assuming or at the least hoping that it shouldn’t have rained? I believe it’s an important point that must be considered. Because here’s the real heart of the matter, if I have the mistaken belief that a good relationship should be somehow easy, don’t I feel a bit more justified in walking away when it starts getting difficult?

The Queen and I have an amazing relationship, better than anything I have ever had. Yet when people ask why it’s so good they are usually stumped by the answer. Our relationship isn’t awesome because the stars aligned putting together two people who are perfect for each other; instead we have a great relationship because we constantly work at it. We don’t expect our relationship to be easy and because of that must work, prepare, and plan more. When other couples have delusions that their relationship should be at a level where hard work is no longer necessary, we’re still doing many of the things that has gotten us where we are today.

And we also realize that just because we must work hard it doesn’t imply the relationship is falling over the cliff. We don’t buy into the popular notion that the moment a relationship becomes hard it must be over. We can’t feel that way because there’s little chance that two divorced parents with one child will have it all magically fall into place. We not only recognize it’s hard now, we fully anticipate it to be just as hard, if not more so, later, forcing us to keep at it.

But that shouldn’t be viewed as a pessimistic outlook on things. The truth of the matter is this, as soon as we expect our relationship to be easy that will be the very same moment we stop putting forth the extra effort. And should that ever happen the Queen and I will find ourselves standing amid the ruin, like so many others, of what once upon a time had been something great.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Seven battles every single parent must win – #2 Anger

      

If the root of evil is money, the root of divorce is anger. – Me

Marriages end for a plethora of reasons; often the grounds are understandable while others appear petty and narcissistic. But no matter the hidden or obvious motivation, underneath the numerous rationalizationsf there lies a solid bedrock of anger. And while the firebrand of that anger may be a cornucopia of circumstances ranging from adultery to mere incompatibility; the outcome always finds its way to scorching hostility.

I’ve yet to meet one single person who, when their justifications were set aside, wouldn’t concede that it was an unremitting anger that led them to finally end the marriage and file for divorce. Maybe their rage stemmed from an affair, or perhaps their indignation grew from being replaced by the corporate ladder or needs of the children, or possibly it was just the exasperation of a relationship that couldn’t seem to crawl its way out of the ditch. No matter the root cause, in thyye end that motivation becomes little more than kindling now fueling their white-hot disdain.

Surprisingly, it would be after the divorce when my anger and loathing began to emerge. Even as the genuine reason for the marriage’s failure suddenly became evident, the lies and deceit were easier to digest than one might imagine. In hindsight I think much of that had to do with my anticipation of and focus on a burning desire to reinvent myself. Through modest counseling I was quickly able to move out from under the shadow of her infidelity, which consequently I began to wear like a Boy Scout patch for heroic altruism. And the validation and sympathy I received at the selfish reasons for why I was now a single father only served to swell my sacrificial cow ego. Yet underneath this cool panache were the smoldering embers of a rage that would eventually consume me.

"It’s in this context that my anger initially found fertile soil and began to grow and entwine me; and against its strangulation I’ve battled ever since."

The anger ignited as my daughter started getting older and my time with her became more pleasure and less burden. As changing diapers and feeding bottles were replaced with throwing footballs and dinner conversations I could recognize how the actions of this one trusted person changed her innocent life forever. I could sense the confusion and frustration in her little mind as she bounced from one house to another like balls in a co-parenting Ping-Pong match. And this awareness was intensified every time I pulled out of that driveway and watched as another man suddenly assumed a role that should have been solely mine – a father.

At its most basic, this anger was nourished by the categorical unfairness in it all. Without missing a beat I was slowly being replaced with someone new filling the shoes of her dad. In what can only be discerned as deliberate, the void in my daughrer’s life due to the divorce was conveniently and methodically backfilled with another man. Quickly pictures began to appear on tables and walls portraying the happy family while I had been demoted to the station of sufferable uncle. And this was now the undeniable reality; that my daughter had two fathers, and not only did that break my heart it yielded a seething rage within me.

It was in this context that my anger initially found fertile soil and began to grow and entwine me; and against its strangulation I’ve battled ever since. To say that I’ve remotely conquered this opponent would be a lie. Like any war, enemies can be held at bay for a while as the fighting ebbs and flows with some periods more peaceful than others, but in the most obscure and often inconsequential of moments the remaining cinders can quickly touch off again into a cataclysmic eruption.

It’s been my experience that the battle against anger is one of the more difficult of the seven to overcome. The world is replete with men and women who have been unable, or unwilling, to take the necessary and painful steps that might lead towards healing. Instead they’ve affixed their pride so firmly to that anger it’s now supplanted itself as their entire identity. Remove the rage and they don’t know who they are any longer. And by consequence they unknowingly allow that wrath to affect every area of their life most important of which is the relationship with their children. I witnessed as parents use their kids like mortar shells to wage war against the perceived enemy in hopes of quenching their scorching fury.

As I have reflected on my story, my first discovery is that to ever move beyond anger and disappointment we must accept the reality which ultimately is the anger’s lifeblood. And part of that includes coming to grips with the fact that the decision to do so rests entirely with ourselves regardless of whether the other person takes responsibility or even acknowledges the pain caused. I quickly learned that living in fantasyland and playing the ‘only if’ game did nothing but add kerosene to an open flame.

And in doing so this has produced the most amazing phenomenon, when I finally did accept the reality that I will never be my daughter’s only dad, I began to experience a calm and peace that before never existed. By trying to fight we only make things more difficult.

But what became most unexpected, once I was able to fully embrace this new hand life had dealt me, the fog of animosity and resentment began to lift and I possessed a new clarity that allowed me to recognize the opportunities my reality now opened up before me. As a single father I could see that I’ve been given the chance to impact my children in a way I could never as a married father. With the elimination of a toxic and unhealthy relationship I have the freedom and emotional bandwidth to model for my children what I believe fatherhood to truly be. I now have the chance to demonstrate for my son the type of man he should aim for and to emulate those manly behaviors my daughter should come to expect from future men in her life.

One final point, and I can’t emphasize or write about this enough, divorce never happens in a vacuum. Newton’s Third Law of Motion applies as equally to relationships as it does to physics. Every reaction can and does have an equal and opposite reaction. When I arrived at the point where I could acknowledge the part I had to play in the marriage’s downfall I was forced to recognize that if I stayed angry at others then I must be no less angry at myself. And it just so happened that I was no longer allowed to use self-deception and portray myself as the innocent victim those feelings of anger started to disappear.

None of this should be taken that I’ve got it all figured out. Even after eight years I have yet to walk off this battlefield, but I continue to fight and take my licks in the confidence that the final prize will be worth every wound.

This is the 2nd in a series of posts by the same name.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Seven battles ever single parent must win – #1 Entitlement

The Kübler-Ross model or as it’s commonly known The Five Stages of Grief says that individuals go through five distinct emotional states when faced with the reality of tragedy, most notably loss from death. These stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance can occur in a predictable and logical order, randomly, or in other cases, though rarely, not at all. Anyone who has dealt with the loss of a loved one or family member can appreciate the painful truth behind this theory.

The ending of a marriage, arguably, is one of the most devastating losses any person can suffer. It’s been said by many that divorce is even worse than death. Oddly enough I think that’s because death may be softest option the mind and heart has to grasp why the other person left the relationship. Yet regardless of one’s own sentiment, it’s hard to deny the suffering that divorce does impart, not only to the chief participants, but the children and extended family, all of which gets punctuated by the length the agony can linger.

My marriage ended in early 2005 and was immediately followed with the discovery that its main inspiration had been a secret affair that became public immediately after the judge signed the papers. Reflecting back on the months up to and following that event I find similarities between my emotional state and Kübler-Ross Model. If anything, divorce is surely a roller coaster ride.

Viewing life through this worldview, when motives are based upon our own self-interests, inherently leads to shallow choices that ultimately foster deep regrets
The recovery road of divorce is different for everyone. Each experience is shaped by a host of influences including who asked and who was asked, the root cause of the separation, and the level of viciousness the divorced reached. And while each path may well be different, there are certain stops we all make along the journey. Many refer to these stops as stages, others label them seasons, and I prefer to call them battles. I dislike the concept of season as it implies we are helpless to do anything about the situation, much like the weather, and instead we must fold our hands and wait for the storm to pass. ‘Battle’ provides a level of hope that, while likely to be difficult, there is opportunity to vanquish the enemy.

With my divorce eight years in the rearview mirror, underscored with the fact that my daughter was under three years old when I became a single dad, I have narrowed these battles into what I believe are the seven every single, and specially divorced, parent must fight – and win.

These battles are, entitlement, fear, loneliness, anger, regret, guilt, and vengeance.

From my experience I’ve learned they can be waged on several fronts against multiple foes at the same time then be followed by periods of peace and tranquility – only to flare back up again. For some, certain battles may seem more like skirmishes while others feel like D-Day on the beaches of Normandy. Many battles rage on for years while others erupt in aggressive fighting then quickly dissipate. And lastly and from first hand experience; defeating of one can, and often does, serve only to make way for another.

If asked to pinpoint my emotional state immediately following my divorce, after watching the dismantling of life, as I knew it, I would admit I suffered an enormous sense of entitlement. This was due in large measure to three things. First, I didn’t ask for the divorce. Second, the financial implications as a result were tremendous. Third, I believe I made the deepest sacrifices. And on top of it all was a layer of victimization fueled by falsely thinking I had no part to play.

This sense of entitlement manifest itself in several ways. To begin, I felt I had suddenly been awarded Double Jeopardy at being wrongly convicted and punished for a crime I didn’t commit. As a result I gave license to act in whatever way I chose without regard for who might get hurt in the process. Secondly, I made the end all of my existence my own happiness and pleasure, I believed the last ten years of my life had now been for nothing and I was intent on making up for what I missed out on. And lastly, to justify it all, any morals I may have possessed were promptly thrown out the window; as far as I was concerned doing the right thing had gotten me nowhere so what was the point.

At its most fundamental a feeling of entitlement leads us to make only those choices that serve our own best interests no matter the cost to others. A divorced parent will abandon their children because of another relationship; mothers will leverage their kids to maintain control post divorce while fathers will use money to the same ends, and in each case acting so because they feel entitled.

Yet the most significant concern with entitlement lays in this; we begin to see others not for who they are but only for what they can do for and give to us. Viewing life through this worldview, when motives are based upon our own self-interests, inherently leads to shallow choices that ultimately foster deep regrets. It has taken years of my own personal growth to realize the hurt I caused others and myself because of that shameless and self-righteous attitude – decisions that having been made can never be undone.

I believe it’s the men who fight this battle of entitlement the longest. More often the divorce wasn’t their choice, but when they finally come to accept the end of the marriage is when they, much like I did, go into a dispensation tale spin feeling as if life has given them a raw deal and the world owes the bill.

It’s a common piece of advice and one I thoroughly agree with, a new divorcee should stay out of any relationship for the first twelve months. And the feeling of entitlement is usually the reason why. In this emotional state men may begin viewing women as the prescription of choice to get over their loss – but instead of calling it entitlement they mistakenly refer to it as freedom. But like any drug when the benefits begin to wear off whatever was getting him by soon gets discarded for something more potent.

There is only one way I know of to win the battle against this, but a word of caution, it isn’t a pleasant pill to swallow. Eliminating a sense of entitlement after a divorce, brought about with the thinking of ‘look what I went through!’, requires us to admit that the divorce didn’t happen in a vacuum and confessing, we are also guilty and had a part to play.

Until we can fully and sincerely admit to this, which starts by putting our pride on the shelf, we are destined to continue fighting that loosing battle, and in so doing, minimize any chances we have of ever moving on.

This is the 1st in a series of posts by the same name.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Why adultery still matters

                               

If you’re a fan of watching heroes topple, this weekend became your Super Bowl of sorts. In a 72-hour period three high profile men of industry and the military saw their private lives and their careers served up like the dollar menu at McDonalds.

David Petreaus, now former CIA director and retired military golden child, Joe Rogers Jr., daddy’s boy and CEO of my favorite chain restaurant – Waffle House, and Christopher Kubasik heir apparent to Lockheed Martin’s top job all found their names and reputations laid bare in news papers and media outlets across the country, and each under the same pretense – extra-marital affairs.

It was discovered via harassing emails from one woman to another that Patreaus, aged 60, was having an affair with his 40-year-old biographer. Rogers has been accused of demanding a former house keeper and single mom, after she wouldn’t actually have sex with him, to perform sexual favors as a condition of her employment, and Kubasik has admitted to dipping his Monte Blanc in the company ink.

These stories are nothing new, it seems we can’t go ninety days without an infidelity scandal racking the halls of Washington or the C-suites of America. Power is an alluring mistress enticing those who possess it into believing they are outside the reach of the same virtue which governs us mere mortals. So when their callous actions finally outpace their reputations and their handlers’ best efforts we commoners secretly relish in the satisfaction at the demi-god’s demise. The public at large is singing the same chorus anytime events such as these happen. Amid the refrains of shock and disappointment is the ubiquitous stanza demanding resignations and forfeiture of the prestige and privilege such statuses provide. In other words, their behavior is inconsistent with their job titles.

Show me a man who will cheat on his wife and I’ll show a man who will lie about anything.

Maybe it’s just me, but I find the overwhelming response somewhat baffling. There are growing numbers who believe marriage, in its traditional sense, is circling the drain. They support this view citing high divorce rates and more couples opting to hedge their bets by cohabiting instead of going ‘all in’ and tying the knot. They believe marriage is little more than antiquated legalism harkening back to the days before indoor plumbing and microwaves; a social conditioning that actually hinders relationships by placing unnecessary obligations and restraints that only serve to stifle true love. Oscar Wilde may have said it best, “One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry.”

But here’s where I get hung up, why is it that amid all the debate about marriage and its insignificance does this intolerance of infidelity remain so universal? When so many think that marriage is now useless, why is there still outrage and disgust when someone steps outside it like these men have? Why is infidelity the only sin we are perfectly within our right to judge? And why is there this expectation that a seemingly dead institution, marriage, should still be honored and cherished and anyone choosing to stray from it deserves everything they get?

In other words, why does adultery still matter?

In the continuing coverage surrounding these events, especially those of Patreaus, opinions are plentiful on how much their infidelity ought be factored into the men’s futures. Should their personal life have any impact on their professional one? Do they deserve to lose their jobs potentially ruining their careers or should they get a pass for who they are and what they’ve done? Or is infidelity such a deal killer that it makes every other good deed suddenly inconsequential? Or put another way, what does Kubasik’s adultery have to do with making airplanes? One article answers like this:

“Now, sophisticates know that infidelity happens all the time, in the C suite and on the factory floor. And having an affair, in and of itself, doesn’t disqualify anybody from holding a position of public authority…And so as a general rule, when top professionals admit to, or are caught in, extramarital activity, it is regarded as a sign of human frailty or failing—not as a disqualification or reason to retire.”

“Sophisticates” should also know that marriage is a commitment, a heart-felt promise to forsake all others and devote oneself physically, spiritually, and mentally to the other person for life. Likewise they ought to know that there is no more powerful bond between two people than that of matrimony. Marriage is a big deal and brings huge consequences, both to the individuals and the friends and family around them. Marriage, if anything, is about honor. But unfortunately not everyone takes marriage so seriously and because of that divorce has become part of our culture and is acceptable so long as it’s handled with a bit of decency. But should the divorce be a result of lies, deceit, and fraud that acceptance rightly turns to downright indignation and distrust.

Consider this, all of these men were powerful leaders heading influential organizations (even the Waffle House, just try their hash browns). They didn’t make it to the executive suite with poor decision-making skills. Not to mention once on the executive floor, their every action and step is sifted through the filter of Legal, HR, and Public Relations. Nothing they ever do is left to chance, so it shouldn’t be surprising when their laments of how they “used poor judgment that has deeply hurt their friends and family” fall on deaf ears.

And this brings me to why adultery still matters. If a person, man or woman, will have an affair and thereby lie to the person they promised to love, honor, and cherish above all others until they day they die, is there anyone they would not lie to? Infidelity isn’t a matter of bad judgment it’s a matter character. Anyone so self-absorbed as to maliciously destroy a marriage out of purely egomaniacal reasons will unlikely show restraint when faced with an ethical dilemma at work. If a husband will deceive his wife of 38 years, he will deceive a customer, employee, or boss. Is it even fathomable to think that a man who cheats and lies at home can remain honest at the office? No man is his own island and character is a factor – in and out of the boardroom. Show me a man who will cheat on his wife and I’ll show you a man who will lie about anything. Make no mistake, their infidelity speaks volumes about the type of person they are – at home or behind a desk.

There’s some who’ll say I’m acting extremely judgmental by not taking into consideration how people can change. And they’re right; I am proof of how bad choices can be turned for the better. But, if we don’t gauge a person by their actions, what are we left with?

I feel for these families just as I feel for these men. It’s hard to imagine how they could get so low to sacrifice their careers and families on the altar of pretentiousness, believing their actions away from work shouldn’t or wouldn’t matter. Yet I’m willing to bet this morning if you asked these men they’d tell you – adultery still matters.

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Tooth Fairy, ya cheap ho bag.

                             
Growing up, the loss of a tooth meant waking up the next morning to a dollar (as in one) in the place of where my detached body part lay the night before- no fanfare, no parades, no nothing. When Jasmine lost her first tooth, a few years ago, it was on my weekend and because I have a penis, I was not aware of the evident changes nor was I versed in the latest technology of the Tooth Fairy industry - I had no fairy dust. No one mentioned that in addition to dinero, today’s Tooth Fairy traffics in LSD so her toothless groupies will have conclusive evidence that she’s been there. For this brainchild, somebody’s got a punch to the uterus coming.

Lacking any tangible creativity, I decided that this Tooth Fairy would leave a note of thanks and encouragement instead of sprinkley glittery goodness. So at the 11th hour, I came up with this and put it on top of the water glass where the fairy dust was supposed to have been.

Miss Jasmine,

I am so excited that you have lost your tooth and I have left a special gift for you under your pillow! You did super in the First Grade and I know you are very good at reading and math. I wrote you this note instead of leaving fairy dust, just so I could to tell you what a special girl I think you are. Thank you for the yummy water!

The Tooth Fairy

Don’t forget to brush your teeth every day!

Yummy water?!?!? How gay, obviously my tampon was up too far that day.

So when Jasmine broke her dental hymen this weekend she expected nothing less than poetic brilliance from the Dental Wonder Woman. But for my 7-year old, unfortunately we’ve been in a recession for a while and, well, everyone’s apparently been affected.

I felt sorry for the little princess, when she woke up the next morning to this note:

Wat up dog!

I know dis is like yo first tooth and all, but dis sister just ain’t got nothin fa ya no mo. Da fairy dust dealer done cut me off and I had to hock tha magic wand to buy baby formula. Damn Cupid done got me knocked up and all, and now he say he back with his other baby momma. And if I don’t come up with some money quick dey gonna repo my fairy wings! So, I know this ain’t de way its ‘possed to be but I’m gonna grab dis enamel you got here cause Leroy down at the pawn shop be paying top dolla right now and I finna take a little hit off this piggy bank, cause momma gotta pay dim bills. I’m good for it, yo! You just keep losing dim teeth and I’ll settle up wit you next go round.

Peace, stay in school, don’t do drugs, whatever…

Tooth Fairy

Oh and how bout a little Cristal up in here next time, wurd?

I think I’ll take her out for ice-cream.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Why Do Men Have a Hard Time Handing Things Over To God?

If pride truly cometh before the fall then we need a strong harness and a good helmet.

Note: When I use “God” I’m talking about the God of the Jewish, Christian and Catholic faiths but it can mean whatever higher power you believe in. The principles are all the same so if you have a different authority that you answer to please replace God with that.

As men we’re fixers. It’s in our DNA to try and do things ourselves and in general we aren’t real big on asking for help. Does this story sound familiar?

Think about the last time you picked up something from IKEA. Chances are you immediately laid everything out in front of you, put the directions somewhere behind you and began the assembly process.

Did your wife/girlfriend/partner/child come into the room as you were searching for nut B and screw Z to ask how it was going? Did you respond by muttering something under breath about how the Swedes need a lesson in assembling furniture ‘The American way?”

Did they then pick up the directions from the corner and ask why you weren’t using them? If they did I’m sure you answered, “Directions? I don’t need no stinking directions.”

Once you finally got it assembled did you stare in wonder at the four extra pieces and ask yourself why they put extra pieces in the package? The answer is that they didn’t put anything extra in the box.

We beamed with pride as we showed our family the shiny new entertainment center and flew into a rage when it fell apart the moment the new (and very expensive) flat screen TV crashed to the floor because the shelf collapsed.

The same is true with our lives. We believe that as men we can take care of everything on our own. We make mistakes and then break down what happened like a football coach the day after a spanking on national TV.

The truth is that we can’t take care of everything on our own and we do need help. When I say, “help” I don’t mean that we call our neighbor to help us drop the motor into the car we’re always working on. I mean that we need help from above.

I can tell you that I’ve screwed up in ways I’m ashamed to admit and the reason I’ve screwed up is that I refuse to hand stuff over to God and try to do life on my own. But I can’t do life on my own. No one can. At least not successfully.

Why do we try and get through life on our own? For me it’s that I’m afraid to hand over the reins and let someone else take control. If we don’t like people driving our car why would we want someone driving our life?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

No matter what your beliefs, the idea that we can’t do things on our own is universal. Once we admit that we need help and turn the leys of our lives to God we will find that we will get from A to B without the mishaps and blunders that happen when we get behind the wheel.

I liken our lives to a limousine ride. We can either drive ourselves through life or we can hop in the back seat and let God use his GPS to maneuver around the trouble spots.

It’s no secret that men don’t like to ask for directions when driving and the same is true with our lives. It seems the bigger the decision the less likely we are to ask for help and that makes no sense.

I recently attended a retreat with my church men’s group and the speaker was a neurosurgeon named Dr. David Levy. Surgeons have a reputation for thinking they hold the fate of the patient in their hands but Dr. Levy knows who is ultimately in charge.

Not only does he pray for guidance before and during the surgery but he also prays with his patients before the surgery. He told us that when he started doing this with his patients he was afraid of what the nurses and other doctors would think and did it only when he was alone with the patients.

After a while people caught on to what he was doing and the nurses began joining him in prayer with his patients.

The point of this story is that if a man in a profession full of people with God complexes can hand over the lives of his patients to God then I should be able to hand my daily life over to God.

More often than not I try to do things on my own and the results are typically not what I was hoping for.

I believe that a big reason for us not handing things over to God is because we’re prideful. History is full of prideful men who didn’t hand things over to God and who suffered greatly because of it.

Remember Adam? He was prideful and thought he could be like God but instead was cast out of the Garden of Eden and ended up screwing it up for the rest of us. We need to remember that our decisions affect more than ourselves. If we’re married and have a family our decisions will impact them and our decisions can sometimes make or break the companies that we own or work for.

What do we do about it? I have to constantly remind myself that I tend to screw things up in a big way and that I have to suck it up and admit to myself that I don’t have the answers and that I can’t do it on my own.

The hardest part for me is admitting to myself that I need help. I have some pretty serious self-esteem issues and hate asking for help with anything because in my messed up mind asking for help is just one more failure and one more reason not to believe in myself.

I walk a fine line between my need to believe in my abilities and my need to believe that I need help from above. Once I find that balance I have no doubt that my life will improve tremendously.

I feel like I’m trapped in my life and that I don’t know who I really am. I’m afraid of screwing up and have too much fear but as I learned from Dr. Levy, vulnerability is the highest form of courage.

As men we have an inherent need to be brave and to be courageous yet we don’t realize that it’s OK to be vulnerable. We don’t want to be seen as cowards or that we’re not in control of our lives. The sooner we realize that we’re not in control and that being vulnerable isn’t the same as being a wimp the sooner we will have the life we want.

I have a message on the bottom of my massive whiteboard. It says, “In a world where you can be anything…BE YOURSELF!” I see these words every day yet I have a hard time heeding them. I feel like I’m trapped in a hole that I can’t get out of and the reason I’m trapped is that I’m afraid to find out who I really am. I’m pretty sure that I will like that person but the fear of that guy being a bigger loser than the person I currently am takes over and I stay in the never ending cycle I’m currently in.

The last thing Dr. Levy reminded me of is that authenticity gives us freedom. The way out of the hole I’m in is in being myself and part of being myself has to be handing the keys of my life over to God. The sooner I put my hands up and say, “Your turn” the sooner I will have the life I want.

That’s my story. What’s yours? What stops you from handing things over to God? If you are one of the people who does hand things over to God how has it changed your life? I want to hear your story.

If you want to learn more about this I highly suggest getting the book Gray Matter: A Neurosurgeon Discovers the Power of Prayer . . . One Patient at a Time by Dr. David Levy. It’s part medical drama and part insight to our spiritual selves. I’m a few chapters in and it’s a great read.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I Will Wait

Sometimes the message is in the song. This time the message is the song.
Music is a big part of my life even if the only thing I play is the stereo. I prefer digital to analog as it’s much easier to tune. The iPhone is my instrument of choice.

I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons is currently in my top three most played and for good reason. It’s catchy, upbeat without being loud and to be perfectly honest I dig the string-heavy sound of the quartet from London.

I’m a very visual person and while on YouTube the other day I decided to check out the video for I Will Wait.

The excitement began when I saw it was filmed at Red Rocks in Colorado, a place I definitely want to see a good band at in person. As the music began I noted how beautiful the setting of the venue is. I encourage you to check it out after you finish.

The peaceful setting mixed with the guitar, banjo, stand up bass and keyboard was downright cool but it was the voice of Marcus Mumford that caught my attention. As he started the second verse I thought I noticed something so I backtracked to the beginning of the song to see if I heard what I thought I heard I did.

It was a conversation between God and a person, kind of a prayer with an immediate reply. The man/woman does the majority of the talking but God does reply. The chorus could go either way.

I like to think that it’s the person saying they will wait for God to do his thing and also that it’s God telling the person that He will wait for him/her. Either way it’s a beautiful story.

God’s part is in italics while the person’s is in bold. The chorus is reader’s choice. When you’re finished I encourage you to watch the video and let me know what you hear.

Well I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we’ve known
Will blow away with this new sun

But I’ll kneel down wait for now
And I’ll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
So break my step
And relent
Well you forgave and I won’t forget
Know what we’ve seen
And him with less
Now in some way shake the excess
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
Now I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies
But I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
Cause I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you

                                         

Friday, September 28, 2012

My kid and the birthday dilemma

I was born, you were born, that clerk at the tag office was born to. It’s a common event shared with the 7 billion or so others on the planet. And with only 365 days in a calendar year, based on the averages, roughly 69 million of them share the same birthday. When one stops to look at it in those terms, what’s the entire ruckus with our birthday really about anyway?



Why do so many act like the day of their birth is carved out only for them and rest of the world should prostrate in worship and gladness that providence saw to it we were graced by their presence? From the beginning, for many, a birthday entails the stoppage of time and space in order to celebrate. Banners are erected, parties thrown, and clowns hired for the purpose of making the “birthday boy/girl” feel as completely and totally special as possible – because God knows we all need to feel special. And as time goes on if mom, dad, or a friend isn’t there to continue the tradition it’s become totally acceptable, and in perfectly bad taste, to throw a birthday party – for ourselves.
 
Maybe this negative sentiment is the result of growing up with my birthday never arriving to fanfare and tickertape parades. I have little memory of any of my birthday parties as a kid and have only found a few pictures evidencing that one ever took place.

Where I was from the world didn’t stop rotating on its axis the morning of every Mar.
8th And having recently passed my 48th time around the sun I’m glad it never did.

 
Today marks my youngest child, Jasmine’s, 8th birthday. Achieving the big 8 brings mixed emotions; I can’t believe she’s this old but I often thought she would ever get here. I’ve been a single dad for 80% of her life and there were times, in those early years, when all I longed for was a child mature enough to brush her teeth and wash her own hair. Now aside from me paying the electricity bill and chauffeuring her around she handles most things quite well. At the rate this 8yrs. flew she’ll be moving into her own apartment next week.

You might think we’re planning a blowout to celebrate hitting eight digits with a Taylor Swift theme, caterers, party favors, and a DJ.
But you’d be wrong.

Instead she will wake up to birthday hugs and kisses from her father and a trip to the donut shop for breakfast. Later she’ll likely immerse herself in “Good Luck Charlie” episodes while cleaning her room and making her bed. Since she has the patience of an infant she’s already gotten her birthday presents all of which were necessities and not electronics whose names begin with vowels. We’ll have sandwiches for lunch and she’ll get to blow out candles on cupcakes I got for 50% off at the grocery store. And if we’re lucky and my day is light we might see the pool before afternoon is over.

Later in the day her mom and I will make the switch and they’ll go to Jasmines’s favorite restaurant for dinner. The only traditional birthday-‘ish’ thing she will do is a movie and sleepover with three friends at her mom’s house a few weekends from now — because no upstanding parent would allow their daughter to spend the night with her friend and her single dad.

In the end the sun will set on Jasmine’s 8th birthday with no fireworks, ponies, limo rides, or mayoral decrees. And the strangest thing in it all – she thinks it’s supposed to be this way.
 
Enjoying coffee one morning I couldn’t help overhearing a twenty something talking about her upcoming birthday plans. She proceeds to correct her friend that this isn’t her birthday but actually her birth-‘month’. She explains how the people in her life are aware of the lofty birthday expectations and parents, family, and friends have seen to it every weekend has been slated with some form of festivities, from dinners, to parties, to birthday get-a-ways. I didn’t know whether to wish her happy one or ask when her daddy issues started.

The world is full of adults whose parents didn’t make them feel special. I get that responsibility as a dad. But we’ve taken this idea of birthdays, especially children’s birthdays, to an obnoxiously obscene level. No longer can they be mere observances with a cake and candles, but instead have been turned into a national holiday and orchestrated affairs that require event planners and a security detail. I’ve witnessed boy’s birthday parties that include custom T-shirts and little girl’s parties that are an afternoon in the spa. Bygone are the days of a simple party at home with a Betty Crocker cake and dad’s amateur attempts at writing in frosting that more resemble Sanskrit than birthday wishes.

As a single father it would be oh so very easy to give into this birthday dilemma and give Jasmine whatever celebration her 8-year-old heart desires. Her parents are seperated doesn’t she deserve special treatment? Birthdays are how ‘DisneyLand Dads’ got their start, right? But by hopping that train takes her and I someone we don’t want to go. seperated or not, the last thing I want my daughter to be is a twenty something who thinks the world should stop every Oct. 19th, because mommy or daddy made it do so. Ever wondered where kids’ entitlement issues start?

No, Jasmine will wake up to a father who’s thankful and blessed she is in his world and who will recognize the day for what it is – without ever making a big deal of any of it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The biggest lie parents tell



I couldn’t have told you the first thing about Helen Gurley Brown; in fact I didn’t even know the name. But since her death a few weeks ago, Helen and I have gotten acquainted. There’s much to respect, a poor southern girl who grew up and made it big, married to the same man her entire adult life, and built a media empire almost single handedly.





From what I’ve read she seems like my kind of person, quick witted with a sharp tongue, candid to the point of brazen, I believe Helen would let you know where you stood. An idealist, many critics claim it was her womb that birthed the modern feminist movement. But for all of her accomplishments, what she seems to be most noted for was her unapologetic approach to womanhood and particularly female sexuality.

The architect of numerous one-liners such as, “if you’re not a sex object, you’re in trouble” and “good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” she advocates in her 1962 book Sex and the Single Girl that the Puritan sexual mores of that time were outdated and women should leverage their erotic talents and grab the very best life has to offer including jobs, promotions, and Mr. Right. And as its editor, Cosmopolitan Magazine began expressing her same views. What was once was written for the June Cleavers of Middle America providing decorating tips and recipes, under her direction, began teaching those same women the best ways please a man…and themselves.

Yet the more articles to appear describing her exploits, the more I wanted to know one crucial detail. Was this woman who touted promiscuity, sexual manipulation, and carnal indulgences – a mom?
 
We expect our children to differentiate between what they aren’t ready for now and what they ought never be ready for.

Many refer to the culture we live in as relativistic. Meaning in one regard that what is right and true for this person isn’t automatically so for that person, and instead everything hinges upon the individual, situation, or objective. For example, as a single father, I am adamantly opposed to living with the Queen before marriage. Ignoring my religious rationale momentarily, I don’t desire that way of life for either of my children, or hers, and I would never want the four of them to use what they had witnessed with their parents as their justification for doing so. How could the Queen or I tell them ‘no’ to living with a boyfriend or girlfriend, say in college, when they saw us do it first? However, many single parents for any number of reasons don’t share this same conviction. Yet I’m willing to bet that none of them who do cohabitate, if asked, would want their children to ever live with someone to whom they’re not married.

And this brings me back to Helen Gurley Brown. Could Mrs. Brown have been so vocal and passionate about her views on sex and the self-exploitation of a woman’s sexual wares if she was the mom to a little girl? Could she have been as shameless about the way women ought to view themselves if there were children at home? Could she still have wanted women to be ‘sex objects’ and have a teenage daughter at the same time? And if so, would she have desired the same for those children?
 

I was asked in an interview sometime ago what it is like to be a single father and date. Generally in regard to my kids and particularly how my relationship with the Queen might impact my ten-year-old daughter, how she sees herself and the world around her.

Every mom and dad knows that kids are perceptive, they are always watching and learning, especially when it comes to their parents. And if those parents aren’t mindful about how they behave around their kids they could very well find the same harmful behaviors they model today repeated in their children tomorrow. Is it any wonder why kids who see their mom or dad drink excessively tend to abuse alcohol later in life?

And that’s when parents begin to spin a web of deceit. On the surface it seems almost intrinsic that, as adults, we have privileges our children have yet to earn and that fact is true. As an adult I can drive a car, drink a beer, and go into debt, and all at the same time if I wanted. However, it’s also true that this distinction between what I can do and what my kids can’t do should stop when the very thing I’m doing today is that thing I would never want my children to do tomorrow, or ever.

The big lie parents tell is this, that because we’re adults we can to do things our children can’t – because we are older, know more, and can handle it – but the problem with stopping there is we expect them to then differentiate between what they aren’t ready for now and what they ought never be ready for. Are there habits or addictions you have today that you would never want your children to take up, and in fact you’d be mortified if they ever discovered them, yet you justify those behaviors to yourself with the excuse ‘I’m an adult’?

You see, the big lie we tell isn’t one that’s told to our children, it’s one we tell to ourselves.

What I admire most from reading about Helen Gurley Brown was how she lived by her convictions no matter the personal cost. That’s a very rare trait in people these days. And I have to believe that if she had been a parent, which her and her husband chose never to become, she would have turned down Cosmopolitan and went to work for Good Housekeeping instead.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Letting go of a relationship

To many of us, being successful in terms of a career is important, but equally so is being content and fulfilled in a good relationship. When we think we’ve found it, our happiness knows no bounds. And when it seems like it’s over, we go through a gamut of emotions – anger, despair, grief, sadness, and depression. We feel lost and adrift, unsure what our next move should be. It’s actually very clear. It’s akin to losing a near and dear one. And when that happens, the first step is to let go.

Letting go of a relationship (and a partner) that has meant everything to us isn’t the easiest thing to do. But it has to be done if we have to move on, for we cannot live in the present and look ahead to the future until we achieve closure on the past. How can we let go? Letting go of a relationship involves letting go of:

1. The feelings/emotions
The anger, animosity and resentment you may feel towards your partner, now your ex. There could be a sense of betrayal if he/she cheated on you, or if you were the one responsible for the break-up, a feeling of guilt. Don’t stifle your emotions and bottle them up, but allow yourself to grieve over the demise of what could have been and possibly was, something wonderful. But you have to set a time limit – you cannot keep wallowing in grief and sadness – it will get to be a habit.

2. Envisioning possibilities
Don’t dwell on what might-have-been. Letting go of a relationship involves recognizing that it was not meant to be and that you have to set new goals and build new dreams. Avoid having unrealistic expectations or hopes that you may get back together. Or that he would change and perhaps become the person you want him/her to be or your problems will just get sorted out. Realize that the relationship has run its course and it is time to let go.

3. Your dependency
Often when we have been in a relationship for some time – a few months, a year or several years – we tend to lose our identity. We get used to having the other person around and derive comfort from the familiar. It isn’t easy to start getting used to coming home to an empty house or having dinner by yourself. It is something you will have to steel yourself to do if you have to wean yourself from your dependence on the other person.

4. Idolizing the relationship
It’s easy when you’re not with someone any longer, and especially if you’re miserable on your own to miss all the good times you shared. Happy memories are to be cherished but not to the point where that’s all you think about and aren’t doing anything about making new ones. You must remember that if there was so much happiness in the relationship, chances are you’d still be together. You probably had some very serious problems and unhappy times – times when you wanted out and couldn’t bear being in the same room with your ex. These are the times you have to think about and realize that your best bet right now lies in letting go of the past and enjoying your single life.

5. All contact
It has to be a clean break. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to call her one last time or give it just one more try. Don’t keep calling up friends and asking them if they are already seeing someone new or if she’s as depressed as you are. If you are serious about letting go of your relationship you have to carve out a new existence, one that has no room for old baggage.

6. Your fears
If you have to truly let go of a relationship, you have to forget your apprehensions and worries about being alone and how you’ll cope. And you also have to learn to trust again. Not just someone else but also yourself and your instincts. One, two or even more broken relationships doesn’t mean that we should close ourselves off from loving again. After all, relationships may involve agony but they also involve ecstasy and life wouldn’t be complete without a healthy dose of both.

7. Generalizations
You cannot generalize and harbor false assumptions that just because your ex cheated on you, abused you or caused emotional damage, your next relationship/partner will follow suit. You cannot tar everyone with the same brush; after all there is such a thing as giving someone, and a new relationship, a fair chance.

8. Your sense of failure
Just as it takes two to tango and two hands to clap, it also takes two to makes a relationship work. Don’t berate yourself for what you could have done better or how you could have been more understanding. You’ve probably been terribly hurt but have also learnt a few valuable lessons about life and love in the process – something that will stand you in good stead for the journey ahead.
When you are ready to let go of a relationship and reconcile yourself to keeping the past in the past, you will experience an enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders and a sense of accomplishment that you have come out of the whole experience a much stronger person.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Dealing With Kids And Their Online Lives

                                            
It’s something that is still relatively new. Kids being on the internet. Being so new is what makes it so scary. As a parent seeing how my daughter loves the internet, I can only imagine how dicey is will soon become as she and her friends branch out from Barbie and Nick. I’m sure Facebook and Twitter are not far away. Ugh, what a nightmare. I can’t even stand the idea of Jasmine having a cell phone with a camera on it. I will certainly read up about all the new and upcoming safeguards people and companies are developing.

That being said, I found an interesting piece in The Huffington Post Family section. It’s about learning the crazy acronyms kids use when texting, IM’ing, emailing, etc. Sure, we know LOL, LMFAO, and some other “old” terms that have become part of popular culture. But you know these kids have their own languages already, so it must translate to the computer as well. I can’t even utter the phrase “sexting” without dry heaving.

Here’s some goodies from the article:
There are a number of sites out there that help us decode the many seemingly crazy messages our kids are sending back and forth. Teen Chat Decoder and No Slang have Internet text “translators” to help parents decode these cryptic messages — especially the ones that discuss drinking, drugs and sex. And I can assure you, they do.
As a starter, here are 25 text message acronyms that all parents should know:
  1. ASL — Age/Sex/Location
  2. BF/GF — Boyfriend/Girlfriend
  3. CD9 — Code 9 (means parents are around)
  4. DYWTMUS — Do You Want To Meet Up Somewhere?
  5. GNOC — Get Naked on Cam
  6. GTG — Got to Go
  7. IDK — I Don’t Know
  8. (L)MIRL — (Lets) Meet in Real Life
  9. LOL — Laugh Out Loud
  10. MorF — Male or Female
  11. MOS — Mom Over Shoulder
  12. NIFOC — Naked in Front of Computer
  13. P911 — Parent Emergency
  14. PAW — Parents are Watching
  15. PIR — Parent In Room
  16. POS — Parent Over Shoulder
  17. PRON — Porn
  18. PRW — Parents Are Watching
  19. RUH — Are you horny?
  20. Sup? — What’s Up?
  21. TDTM — Talk Dirty To Me
  22. WAUW — What Are You Wearing?
  23. WTH L8TR — Want to Hang Later?
  24. WTF — What the Fuck
  25. WTTP — Want to Trade Pics?
In the case of “sexting,” or sending sexually explicit text messages, it is important to warn your child of 2 things:
    1. In most states, teens caught with “sexting pictures” on their phones can actually be charged with possession of child pornography — even if they themselves are under 18, and sometimes even if the images are self portraits.
    2. These images can be permanent. It may seem fun and risky to send sexy pictures to a current boyfriend, but what happens when the relationship ends? Can that person really be trusted not to do anything with those images? It’s not a chance your teen should take.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

25 Failsafe* Rules For Dads Raising Daughters


Benjamin Valadez and Carissa Reynosa offer 25 rules to help build close bonds between daddies and their little girls.


All daddies with little girls want to raise them “right”, but how the heck are they supposed to know what that means?
If you spend any time on the Internet these days, you’ll quickly learn that pithy numbered lists are the path to enlightenment. It is in that spirit that we have collaborated to develop this list of rules that are guaranteed to guide fathers in the correct way to raise their daughters. This wisdom is universal, proven, and failsafe. *
*Not really.

Benjamin is raising two daughters, and Carissa is a daughter (in addition to being a mother) so we feel we have at least as good a chance as anyone at enlightening others. We are friends and soccer parents, and while we find we disagree on many things, one area in which we often find common ground is in raising kids.

We agreed on many of these rules, though some only made it in when the other one wasn’t looking. For the tl;dr demographic, here’s the list in a nutshell:
  • Carissa says dads should be girly with their daughters.
  • Benjamin says dads should be manly with their daughters.
  • It’s okay to be both.

♦◊♦

 

 

1. Tell her she’s pretty, but tell her other good things about herself more.

It’s not that telling a girl she’s pretty is bad. It’s not. The point is that it shouldn’t be the only kind of compliment she gets, so she doesn’t feel that only her appearance matters. Compliment her intelligence, her resourcefulness, her imagination, her hard work, and her strength. Don’t pretend that her looks will never matter, but teach her not to judge herself or let herself be judged only on looks.

 

2. Teach her that handymen don’t have to be men.

Checklist of things to teach her: routine car maintenance, how to stop a toilet from overflowing, how to set a mousetrap, how to use the fuse box, how to turn off the water main. (Benjamin’s note to self—learn to maintain car, fix a toilet, use the fuse box, and find the water main.) There’s nothing wrong with needing help to get things done, but self-reliance and confidence are handy if you need to change a tire, fix a toilet, or even squish a bug without needing a rescuer to do it for you.


3. Let her play in the mud.

No need to fill their sandbox with only sugar and spice. Mix in some snips and snails and puppy dog tails, too. Be cautious, however, about giving her any nicknames like “Sugar” or “Spice” while she plays in the mud, as it could lead to some uncomfortable career choices down the road.

 

4. Remember that the way you talk about and treat women will have a lasting impact.

Your daughter will pick up on generalizations you make about women, whether positive or negative. Intentionally or not, you shape her identity about what it is to be a woman, and how to expect to be treated for being one. Say positive things about women without pedastalizing. If you can’t be nice, at least be respectful and steer clear of the B-word, C-word, and other words for putting down her entire gender. All this goes double for talking about her mother.

 

5. Teach her the correct names for her genitals, and use them matter-of-factly.

If she wants to say wee-wee, that’s fine, but make sure that as she grows up, she knows her vulva from her vagina. And whatever you do … don’t call it a front-butt.

 

6. Indulge her imagination.

You be the kitty, she’ll be the mommy, then she’ll be the kitty and you’ll be the baby kitty. It’s going to get boring for you, but it’s good for her. Keep doing it. Meow some more. Don’t forget to hiss.

 

7. Cry when the family pet dies.

You don’t have to weep if you hated the critter, but the point is to show that it’s okay for men to feel and express emotions when they come up, even hard ones like sadness and grief. Sometimes the most comforting thing you can do with a difficult emotion is to share it.
Pro tip: If she wants to schedule a memorial service for the pet you hated, try to schedule it right after you’ve watched “Brian’s Song”.

 

8. Teach her honesty and integrity in relationships by demonstrating them in yours.

“Honesty and integrity in relationships” doesn’t mean blind devotion. It means living a life consistent with the values you hold dear, and helping the people you love to live consistent with theirs.
Live the integrity you hope she’ll choose for herself.


9. Read her books with great heroes – both boy and girl heroes.

Books with girl heroes are harder to find, but they’re out there. You can find a lot of recommendations at A Mighty Girl. Also, make up stories on the spot—they don’t have to be perfect—starring her as the conquering hero battling the dragon or saving all the kittens in a big thunderstorm.

 

10. Teach her that she has power over her own body and sexuality.

From when she’s small, tell her that her body belongs to her, and she is the boss of it. As she gets older, teach her that her body isn’t to be used in the effort to win love or approval, or to manipulate others. Teach her that sex is beautiful, and that choices to have and not have sex both carry power and integrity, as long as she is true to herself.
Allow her to talk to you about sex without getting squicked, but also leave room for her to have private conversations about sex and sexuality with other people.

 

11. Teach her about male sexuality without fear-mongering.

It’s tempting to tell her that boys are bad, that sex is evil and that guys only want one thing…
But we know from the last 50 years of Sex Education that this tactic simply doesn’t work, and it damages both boys and girls in the process. Girls learn to fear boys and see them as one-dimensional, or they learn that their parents have been lying all along.
Teach her that respect is key, and both boys and girls deserve it and are able to give it.


12. Share music with each other.

Play your favorite music and tell her why it’s great. Let her do the same for you. Teach her why the bridge in the middle of Van Morrison’s Into the Mystic is so crucial and really try to understand what’s so great about One Direction (and then enlighten us when you figure it out).
Teach her the courtesy of headphones and the wisdom of volume control.

 

13. Dress like a princess if she asks you to… And let her dress like a Power Ranger if she wants.

Yeah, it sucks a little playing dress-up for those of us not theatrically-inclined, but it makes a child feel important when you play the way she wants to play.
Also, playing ‘like a girl’ won’t make you one and playing ‘like a boy’ won’t make her one. So have fun with both.

 

14. Go with her to the nail salon and each of you get a pedicure.

No, you don’t have to get polish! Just enjoy the time with your daughter and the accompanying foot massage. (Unless you have an aversion to emery boards like Benjamin does.)

15. Include her in your favorite hobbies.

Share with her the things you love, like watching Motocross, cooking dinner or playing the guitar.
Take her with you sometimes when you go to the bowling alley, or for a hike on your favorite trail. Go watch surfers in the ocean. Explain exactly what’s happening. Let her get bored after ten or fifteen minutes and then go do what she wants to do for a while.

 

16. Let her put on shows for you. Then put on a silly show for her.

It doesn’t take much—a goofy tap dance, armpit farts, standing on one foot—to make a little girl laugh.

 

17. Let her choose any color she wants for one wall in her room.

Yes, any. Then let her help you paint it. We recommend a very sturdy drop-cloth.
photo: Pink Sherbet Photo / flickr

18. Roughhouse with her.

You won’t break her, and rough play is good for teaching confidence and resilience.

 

19. Inspire her with women role models who excel in traditionally male-dominated fields or activities.

She’s not going to grow up to be an NFL linebacker, but don’t crush aspirations before they begin by telling her what she can’t be because she’s a girl. The few things she can’t do will become obvious on their own, and the rest become possible if she’s allowed to dream and has role models who achieved great things without a penis.

 

20. Don’t shame her for what she wants to wear – but exercise the power to modify.

This one gets trickier with age, but most wardrobe choices by a toddler or little girl can be made to work. If a skirt is too short, leggings are great. If she picks a Spiderman tee for a wedding, try letting her wear it under a dressy top. If you have to overrule her choice, be pragmatic, not judgmental.
(We couldn’t agree on the right approach to this once your daughter hits puberty, so you’re on your own.)


21. Look her in the eyes and have a real conversation at least once every single day that you’re together.

Even if it’s just about My Little Pony or Justin Bieber.

 

 

 

22. As she gets older, tell her the truth about drugs. Don’t use scare tactics, be honest.

Drugs are scary enough without exaggerating. But saying, “If you try drugs, you’ll die (or end up homeless, or become a prostitute, etc)” and having that as your “Drug Talk” will fail. Why? Because she will quickly learn that smoking pot doesn’t kill you—either from watching her friends or doing it herself.
Instead, try something along the lines of, “Using most drugs is like Russian Roulette… Five out of six times a person may be fine. But you never know if you’re going to end up as that one person who won’t be okay.”

 

 

23. Teach her that “No” means “No”, for both herself and others.

Teach her physical boundaries. Teach her how to say no directly, and that her no is to be respected, and that she shouldn’t be afraid or embarrassed to protect her body.
Make it clear that when someone—a little brother, a friend, or a parent—says no, that she is to respect that … including with boys.

 

 

24. Allow her to be girly if that’s her thing, but don’t force her to be if she’s not.

Let her wear dresses whenever she wants, but don’t force her to. Don’t buy everything in pink—unless she’s crazy for the color pink. If she loves Spiderman, go with that until she’s tired of it.

 

25. If she’s still little enough, hold her until she falls asleep sometimes.


 


You’ll miss it when you can’t.


 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Before You Die…

                           
Are there things you really want to do or accomplish, but can’t seem to find the time or the drive? Of course there are. Even people like Bill Gates, Richard Branson, and this pirate have a “bucket list. We all have more than a few I would think.
I would love to visit Spain and Australia someday. I would love to have a 6-pack stomach (even for a day). I would love to make this blog into something people actually care to read.This is not to be depressing. It’s more a call to be inspired.

I just read about this project and it just struck me as being really interesting, innovative. I think there’s really something to be said for this. We all have hopes and dreams, right. Maybe it makes some sense to write it down, make it just a bit more concrete. This is from the site, which is in New Orleans:
With help from old and new friends, Candy Chang turned the side of an abandoned house in her New Orleans neighborhood into a giant chalkboard where residents can write on the wall and share what is important to them. Before I Die  is an interactive public art project that transforms neglected spaces into constructive places where we can discover the hopes and aspirations of the people around us. Share your dreams, too…

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Face it! We're all just a tank of gas away from government cheese.

Anyone else fed up with high gas for no apparent reason while Mr. Obama and friends won't even acknowledge it's a problem? Thanks for screwing us again.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Explicit Songiness

                                           
Just a quick question…why do main stream “pop” bands that cater to mainstream America feel the need to drop f-bombs, s-hits, etc. in their songs of late. One that really sticks out is the great Maroon 5′s Payphone (I’ve linked to the clean version without the rap). Why can’t this be the song?

This band is great. They come out with fun, catchy songs all the time. They are true pop icons in modern music. I don’t get the appeal of having all of the other garbage mixed in. And they aren’t the only ones either. Do they think they are cooler now? Do they think that they are rich and famous that it doesn’t matter? I mean, a song like this with a relatively hardcore rapper in it, dropping bombs left and right? Are you kidding me?

Granted, I am no longer cool. I’m a 48 year old conservative dad with a house in the burbs. Sure, I get that I’m not in the tween, teen, scheem kill zone for these people. But, do we have to lower our standards or create songs where more people seek out a diced up, stripped out version…to make it sound better? How is that a good thing.

And, by the way, what’s with Apple and their iTunes…the explicit rap laden version was listed in their top 10 songs, so when Carissa downloaded it, she was shocked. People don’t listen to this version…why is it top 10????

Am I being too much of a dud or a prude here? I just think that some things are best left unchanged, and not dragging our society and American culture even more in the toilet should be one of them.

I’m going to go change my Depends now…