If you’re a fan of watching heroes topple, this weekend became your Super Bowl of sorts. In a 72-hour period three high profile men of industry and the military saw their private lives and their careers served up like the dollar menu at McDonalds.
David Petreaus, now former CIA director and retired military golden child, Joe Rogers Jr., daddy’s boy and CEO of my favorite chain restaurant – Waffle House, and Christopher Kubasik heir apparent to Lockheed Martin’s top job all found their names and reputations laid bare in news papers and media outlets across the country, and each under the same pretense – extra-marital affairs.
It was discovered via harassing emails from one woman to another that Patreaus, aged 60, was having an affair with his 40-year-old biographer. Rogers has been accused of demanding a former house keeper and single mom, after she wouldn’t actually have sex with him, to perform sexual favors as a condition of her employment, and Kubasik has admitted to dipping his Monte Blanc in the company ink.
These stories are nothing new, it seems we can’t go ninety days without an infidelity scandal racking the halls of Washington or the C-suites of America. Power is an alluring mistress enticing those who possess it into believing they are outside the reach of the same virtue which governs us mere mortals. So when their callous actions finally outpace their reputations and their handlers’ best efforts we commoners secretly relish in the satisfaction at the demi-god’s demise. The public at large is singing the same chorus anytime events such as these happen. Amid the refrains of shock and disappointment is the ubiquitous stanza demanding resignations and forfeiture of the prestige and privilege such statuses provide. In other words, their behavior is inconsistent with their job titles.
Show me a man who will cheat on his wife and I’ll show a man who will lie about anything.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find the overwhelming response somewhat baffling. There are growing numbers who believe marriage, in its traditional sense, is circling the drain. They support this view citing high divorce rates and more couples opting to hedge their bets by cohabiting instead of going ‘all in’ and tying the knot. They believe marriage is little more than antiquated legalism harkening back to the days before indoor plumbing and microwaves; a social conditioning that actually hinders relationships by placing unnecessary obligations and restraints that only serve to stifle true love. Oscar Wilde may have said it best, “One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry.”
But here’s where I get hung up, why is it that amid all the debate about marriage and its insignificance does this intolerance of infidelity remain so universal? When so many think that marriage is now useless, why is there still outrage and disgust when someone steps outside it like these men have? Why is infidelity the only sin we are perfectly within our right to judge? And why is there this expectation that a seemingly dead institution, marriage, should still be honored and cherished and anyone choosing to stray from it deserves everything they get?
In other words, why does adultery still matter?
In the continuing coverage surrounding these events, especially those of Patreaus, opinions are plentiful on how much their infidelity ought be factored into the men’s futures. Should their personal life have any impact on their professional one? Do they deserve to lose their jobs potentially ruining their careers or should they get a pass for who they are and what they’ve done? Or is infidelity such a deal killer that it makes every other good deed suddenly inconsequential? Or put another way, what does Kubasik’s adultery have to do with making airplanes? One article answers like this:
“Now, sophisticates know that infidelity happens all the time, in the C suite and on the factory floor. And having an affair, in and of itself, doesn’t disqualify anybody from holding a position of public authority…And so as a general rule, when top professionals admit to, or are caught in, extramarital activity, it is regarded as a sign of human frailty or failing—not as a disqualification or reason to retire.”
“Sophisticates” should also know that marriage is a commitment, a heart-felt promise to forsake all others and devote oneself physically, spiritually, and mentally to the other person for life. Likewise they ought to know that there is no more powerful bond between two people than that of matrimony. Marriage is a big deal and brings huge consequences, both to the individuals and the friends and family around them. Marriage, if anything, is about honor. But unfortunately not everyone takes marriage so seriously and because of that divorce has become part of our culture and is acceptable so long as it’s handled with a bit of decency. But should the divorce be a result of lies, deceit, and fraud that acceptance rightly turns to downright indignation and distrust.
Consider this, all of these men were powerful leaders heading influential organizations (even the Waffle House, just try their hash browns). They didn’t make it to the executive suite with poor decision-making skills. Not to mention once on the executive floor, their every action and step is sifted through the filter of Legal, HR, and Public Relations. Nothing they ever do is left to chance, so it shouldn’t be surprising when their laments of how they “used poor judgment that has deeply hurt their friends and family” fall on deaf ears.
And this brings me to why adultery still matters. If a person, man or woman, will have an affair and thereby lie to the person they promised to love, honor, and cherish above all others until they day they die, is there anyone they would not lie to? Infidelity isn’t a matter of bad judgment it’s a matter character. Anyone so self-absorbed as to maliciously destroy a marriage out of purely egomaniacal reasons will unlikely show restraint when faced with an ethical dilemma at work. If a husband will deceive his wife of 38 years, he will deceive a customer, employee, or boss. Is it even fathomable to think that a man who cheats and lies at home can remain honest at the office? No man is his own island and character is a factor – in and out of the boardroom. Show me a man who will cheat on his wife and I’ll show you a man who will lie about anything. Make no mistake, their infidelity speaks volumes about the type of person they are – at home or behind a desk.
There’s some who’ll say I’m acting extremely judgmental by not taking into consideration how people can change. And they’re right; I am proof of how bad choices can be turned for the better. But, if we don’t gauge a person by their actions, what are we left with?
I feel for these families just as I feel for these men. It’s hard to imagine how they could get so low to sacrifice their careers and families on the altar of pretentiousness, believing their actions away from work shouldn’t or wouldn’t matter. Yet I’m willing to bet this morning if you asked these men they’d tell you – adultery still matters.
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