Friday, September 28, 2012

My kid and the birthday dilemma

I was born, you were born, that clerk at the tag office was born to. It’s a common event shared with the 7 billion or so others on the planet. And with only 365 days in a calendar year, based on the averages, roughly 69 million of them share the same birthday. When one stops to look at it in those terms, what’s the entire ruckus with our birthday really about anyway?



Why do so many act like the day of their birth is carved out only for them and rest of the world should prostrate in worship and gladness that providence saw to it we were graced by their presence? From the beginning, for many, a birthday entails the stoppage of time and space in order to celebrate. Banners are erected, parties thrown, and clowns hired for the purpose of making the “birthday boy/girl” feel as completely and totally special as possible – because God knows we all need to feel special. And as time goes on if mom, dad, or a friend isn’t there to continue the tradition it’s become totally acceptable, and in perfectly bad taste, to throw a birthday party – for ourselves.
 
Maybe this negative sentiment is the result of growing up with my birthday never arriving to fanfare and tickertape parades. I have little memory of any of my birthday parties as a kid and have only found a few pictures evidencing that one ever took place.

Where I was from the world didn’t stop rotating on its axis the morning of every Mar.
8th And having recently passed my 48th time around the sun I’m glad it never did.

 
Today marks my youngest child, Jasmine’s, 8th birthday. Achieving the big 8 brings mixed emotions; I can’t believe she’s this old but I often thought she would ever get here. I’ve been a single dad for 80% of her life and there were times, in those early years, when all I longed for was a child mature enough to brush her teeth and wash her own hair. Now aside from me paying the electricity bill and chauffeuring her around she handles most things quite well. At the rate this 8yrs. flew she’ll be moving into her own apartment next week.

You might think we’re planning a blowout to celebrate hitting eight digits with a Taylor Swift theme, caterers, party favors, and a DJ.
But you’d be wrong.

Instead she will wake up to birthday hugs and kisses from her father and a trip to the donut shop for breakfast. Later she’ll likely immerse herself in “Good Luck Charlie” episodes while cleaning her room and making her bed. Since she has the patience of an infant she’s already gotten her birthday presents all of which were necessities and not electronics whose names begin with vowels. We’ll have sandwiches for lunch and she’ll get to blow out candles on cupcakes I got for 50% off at the grocery store. And if we’re lucky and my day is light we might see the pool before afternoon is over.

Later in the day her mom and I will make the switch and they’ll go to Jasmines’s favorite restaurant for dinner. The only traditional birthday-‘ish’ thing she will do is a movie and sleepover with three friends at her mom’s house a few weekends from now — because no upstanding parent would allow their daughter to spend the night with her friend and her single dad.

In the end the sun will set on Jasmine’s 8th birthday with no fireworks, ponies, limo rides, or mayoral decrees. And the strangest thing in it all – she thinks it’s supposed to be this way.
 
Enjoying coffee one morning I couldn’t help overhearing a twenty something talking about her upcoming birthday plans. She proceeds to correct her friend that this isn’t her birthday but actually her birth-‘month’. She explains how the people in her life are aware of the lofty birthday expectations and parents, family, and friends have seen to it every weekend has been slated with some form of festivities, from dinners, to parties, to birthday get-a-ways. I didn’t know whether to wish her happy one or ask when her daddy issues started.

The world is full of adults whose parents didn’t make them feel special. I get that responsibility as a dad. But we’ve taken this idea of birthdays, especially children’s birthdays, to an obnoxiously obscene level. No longer can they be mere observances with a cake and candles, but instead have been turned into a national holiday and orchestrated affairs that require event planners and a security detail. I’ve witnessed boy’s birthday parties that include custom T-shirts and little girl’s parties that are an afternoon in the spa. Bygone are the days of a simple party at home with a Betty Crocker cake and dad’s amateur attempts at writing in frosting that more resemble Sanskrit than birthday wishes.

As a single father it would be oh so very easy to give into this birthday dilemma and give Jasmine whatever celebration her 8-year-old heart desires. Her parents are seperated doesn’t she deserve special treatment? Birthdays are how ‘DisneyLand Dads’ got their start, right? But by hopping that train takes her and I someone we don’t want to go. seperated or not, the last thing I want my daughter to be is a twenty something who thinks the world should stop every Oct. 19th, because mommy or daddy made it do so. Ever wondered where kids’ entitlement issues start?

No, Jasmine will wake up to a father who’s thankful and blessed she is in his world and who will recognize the day for what it is – without ever making a big deal of any of it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The biggest lie parents tell



I couldn’t have told you the first thing about Helen Gurley Brown; in fact I didn’t even know the name. But since her death a few weeks ago, Helen and I have gotten acquainted. There’s much to respect, a poor southern girl who grew up and made it big, married to the same man her entire adult life, and built a media empire almost single handedly.





From what I’ve read she seems like my kind of person, quick witted with a sharp tongue, candid to the point of brazen, I believe Helen would let you know where you stood. An idealist, many critics claim it was her womb that birthed the modern feminist movement. But for all of her accomplishments, what she seems to be most noted for was her unapologetic approach to womanhood and particularly female sexuality.

The architect of numerous one-liners such as, “if you’re not a sex object, you’re in trouble” and “good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” she advocates in her 1962 book Sex and the Single Girl that the Puritan sexual mores of that time were outdated and women should leverage their erotic talents and grab the very best life has to offer including jobs, promotions, and Mr. Right. And as its editor, Cosmopolitan Magazine began expressing her same views. What was once was written for the June Cleavers of Middle America providing decorating tips and recipes, under her direction, began teaching those same women the best ways please a man…and themselves.

Yet the more articles to appear describing her exploits, the more I wanted to know one crucial detail. Was this woman who touted promiscuity, sexual manipulation, and carnal indulgences – a mom?
 
We expect our children to differentiate between what they aren’t ready for now and what they ought never be ready for.

Many refer to the culture we live in as relativistic. Meaning in one regard that what is right and true for this person isn’t automatically so for that person, and instead everything hinges upon the individual, situation, or objective. For example, as a single father, I am adamantly opposed to living with the Queen before marriage. Ignoring my religious rationale momentarily, I don’t desire that way of life for either of my children, or hers, and I would never want the four of them to use what they had witnessed with their parents as their justification for doing so. How could the Queen or I tell them ‘no’ to living with a boyfriend or girlfriend, say in college, when they saw us do it first? However, many single parents for any number of reasons don’t share this same conviction. Yet I’m willing to bet that none of them who do cohabitate, if asked, would want their children to ever live with someone to whom they’re not married.

And this brings me back to Helen Gurley Brown. Could Mrs. Brown have been so vocal and passionate about her views on sex and the self-exploitation of a woman’s sexual wares if she was the mom to a little girl? Could she have been as shameless about the way women ought to view themselves if there were children at home? Could she still have wanted women to be ‘sex objects’ and have a teenage daughter at the same time? And if so, would she have desired the same for those children?
 

I was asked in an interview sometime ago what it is like to be a single father and date. Generally in regard to my kids and particularly how my relationship with the Queen might impact my ten-year-old daughter, how she sees herself and the world around her.

Every mom and dad knows that kids are perceptive, they are always watching and learning, especially when it comes to their parents. And if those parents aren’t mindful about how they behave around their kids they could very well find the same harmful behaviors they model today repeated in their children tomorrow. Is it any wonder why kids who see their mom or dad drink excessively tend to abuse alcohol later in life?

And that’s when parents begin to spin a web of deceit. On the surface it seems almost intrinsic that, as adults, we have privileges our children have yet to earn and that fact is true. As an adult I can drive a car, drink a beer, and go into debt, and all at the same time if I wanted. However, it’s also true that this distinction between what I can do and what my kids can’t do should stop when the very thing I’m doing today is that thing I would never want my children to do tomorrow, or ever.

The big lie parents tell is this, that because we’re adults we can to do things our children can’t – because we are older, know more, and can handle it – but the problem with stopping there is we expect them to then differentiate between what they aren’t ready for now and what they ought never be ready for. Are there habits or addictions you have today that you would never want your children to take up, and in fact you’d be mortified if they ever discovered them, yet you justify those behaviors to yourself with the excuse ‘I’m an adult’?

You see, the big lie we tell isn’t one that’s told to our children, it’s one we tell to ourselves.

What I admire most from reading about Helen Gurley Brown was how she lived by her convictions no matter the personal cost. That’s a very rare trait in people these days. And I have to believe that if she had been a parent, which her and her husband chose never to become, she would have turned down Cosmopolitan and went to work for Good Housekeeping instead.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Letting go of a relationship

To many of us, being successful in terms of a career is important, but equally so is being content and fulfilled in a good relationship. When we think we’ve found it, our happiness knows no bounds. And when it seems like it’s over, we go through a gamut of emotions – anger, despair, grief, sadness, and depression. We feel lost and adrift, unsure what our next move should be. It’s actually very clear. It’s akin to losing a near and dear one. And when that happens, the first step is to let go.

Letting go of a relationship (and a partner) that has meant everything to us isn’t the easiest thing to do. But it has to be done if we have to move on, for we cannot live in the present and look ahead to the future until we achieve closure on the past. How can we let go? Letting go of a relationship involves letting go of:

1. The feelings/emotions
The anger, animosity and resentment you may feel towards your partner, now your ex. There could be a sense of betrayal if he/she cheated on you, or if you were the one responsible for the break-up, a feeling of guilt. Don’t stifle your emotions and bottle them up, but allow yourself to grieve over the demise of what could have been and possibly was, something wonderful. But you have to set a time limit – you cannot keep wallowing in grief and sadness – it will get to be a habit.

2. Envisioning possibilities
Don’t dwell on what might-have-been. Letting go of a relationship involves recognizing that it was not meant to be and that you have to set new goals and build new dreams. Avoid having unrealistic expectations or hopes that you may get back together. Or that he would change and perhaps become the person you want him/her to be or your problems will just get sorted out. Realize that the relationship has run its course and it is time to let go.

3. Your dependency
Often when we have been in a relationship for some time – a few months, a year or several years – we tend to lose our identity. We get used to having the other person around and derive comfort from the familiar. It isn’t easy to start getting used to coming home to an empty house or having dinner by yourself. It is something you will have to steel yourself to do if you have to wean yourself from your dependence on the other person.

4. Idolizing the relationship
It’s easy when you’re not with someone any longer, and especially if you’re miserable on your own to miss all the good times you shared. Happy memories are to be cherished but not to the point where that’s all you think about and aren’t doing anything about making new ones. You must remember that if there was so much happiness in the relationship, chances are you’d still be together. You probably had some very serious problems and unhappy times – times when you wanted out and couldn’t bear being in the same room with your ex. These are the times you have to think about and realize that your best bet right now lies in letting go of the past and enjoying your single life.

5. All contact
It has to be a clean break. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to call her one last time or give it just one more try. Don’t keep calling up friends and asking them if they are already seeing someone new or if she’s as depressed as you are. If you are serious about letting go of your relationship you have to carve out a new existence, one that has no room for old baggage.

6. Your fears
If you have to truly let go of a relationship, you have to forget your apprehensions and worries about being alone and how you’ll cope. And you also have to learn to trust again. Not just someone else but also yourself and your instincts. One, two or even more broken relationships doesn’t mean that we should close ourselves off from loving again. After all, relationships may involve agony but they also involve ecstasy and life wouldn’t be complete without a healthy dose of both.

7. Generalizations
You cannot generalize and harbor false assumptions that just because your ex cheated on you, abused you or caused emotional damage, your next relationship/partner will follow suit. You cannot tar everyone with the same brush; after all there is such a thing as giving someone, and a new relationship, a fair chance.

8. Your sense of failure
Just as it takes two to tango and two hands to clap, it also takes two to makes a relationship work. Don’t berate yourself for what you could have done better or how you could have been more understanding. You’ve probably been terribly hurt but have also learnt a few valuable lessons about life and love in the process – something that will stand you in good stead for the journey ahead.
When you are ready to let go of a relationship and reconcile yourself to keeping the past in the past, you will experience an enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders and a sense of accomplishment that you have come out of the whole experience a much stronger person.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Dealing With Kids And Their Online Lives

                                            
It’s something that is still relatively new. Kids being on the internet. Being so new is what makes it so scary. As a parent seeing how my daughter loves the internet, I can only imagine how dicey is will soon become as she and her friends branch out from Barbie and Nick. I’m sure Facebook and Twitter are not far away. Ugh, what a nightmare. I can’t even stand the idea of Jasmine having a cell phone with a camera on it. I will certainly read up about all the new and upcoming safeguards people and companies are developing.

That being said, I found an interesting piece in The Huffington Post Family section. It’s about learning the crazy acronyms kids use when texting, IM’ing, emailing, etc. Sure, we know LOL, LMFAO, and some other “old” terms that have become part of popular culture. But you know these kids have their own languages already, so it must translate to the computer as well. I can’t even utter the phrase “sexting” without dry heaving.

Here’s some goodies from the article:
There are a number of sites out there that help us decode the many seemingly crazy messages our kids are sending back and forth. Teen Chat Decoder and No Slang have Internet text “translators” to help parents decode these cryptic messages — especially the ones that discuss drinking, drugs and sex. And I can assure you, they do.
As a starter, here are 25 text message acronyms that all parents should know:
  1. ASL — Age/Sex/Location
  2. BF/GF — Boyfriend/Girlfriend
  3. CD9 — Code 9 (means parents are around)
  4. DYWTMUS — Do You Want To Meet Up Somewhere?
  5. GNOC — Get Naked on Cam
  6. GTG — Got to Go
  7. IDK — I Don’t Know
  8. (L)MIRL — (Lets) Meet in Real Life
  9. LOL — Laugh Out Loud
  10. MorF — Male or Female
  11. MOS — Mom Over Shoulder
  12. NIFOC — Naked in Front of Computer
  13. P911 — Parent Emergency
  14. PAW — Parents are Watching
  15. PIR — Parent In Room
  16. POS — Parent Over Shoulder
  17. PRON — Porn
  18. PRW — Parents Are Watching
  19. RUH — Are you horny?
  20. Sup? — What’s Up?
  21. TDTM — Talk Dirty To Me
  22. WAUW — What Are You Wearing?
  23. WTH L8TR — Want to Hang Later?
  24. WTF — What the Fuck
  25. WTTP — Want to Trade Pics?
In the case of “sexting,” or sending sexually explicit text messages, it is important to warn your child of 2 things:
    1. In most states, teens caught with “sexting pictures” on their phones can actually be charged with possession of child pornography — even if they themselves are under 18, and sometimes even if the images are self portraits.
    2. These images can be permanent. It may seem fun and risky to send sexy pictures to a current boyfriend, but what happens when the relationship ends? Can that person really be trusted not to do anything with those images? It’s not a chance your teen should take.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

25 Failsafe* Rules For Dads Raising Daughters


Benjamin Valadez and Carissa Reynosa offer 25 rules to help build close bonds between daddies and their little girls.


All daddies with little girls want to raise them “right”, but how the heck are they supposed to know what that means?
If you spend any time on the Internet these days, you’ll quickly learn that pithy numbered lists are the path to enlightenment. It is in that spirit that we have collaborated to develop this list of rules that are guaranteed to guide fathers in the correct way to raise their daughters. This wisdom is universal, proven, and failsafe. *
*Not really.

Benjamin is raising two daughters, and Carissa is a daughter (in addition to being a mother) so we feel we have at least as good a chance as anyone at enlightening others. We are friends and soccer parents, and while we find we disagree on many things, one area in which we often find common ground is in raising kids.

We agreed on many of these rules, though some only made it in when the other one wasn’t looking. For the tl;dr demographic, here’s the list in a nutshell:
  • Carissa says dads should be girly with their daughters.
  • Benjamin says dads should be manly with their daughters.
  • It’s okay to be both.

♦◊♦

 

 

1. Tell her she’s pretty, but tell her other good things about herself more.

It’s not that telling a girl she’s pretty is bad. It’s not. The point is that it shouldn’t be the only kind of compliment she gets, so she doesn’t feel that only her appearance matters. Compliment her intelligence, her resourcefulness, her imagination, her hard work, and her strength. Don’t pretend that her looks will never matter, but teach her not to judge herself or let herself be judged only on looks.

 

2. Teach her that handymen don’t have to be men.

Checklist of things to teach her: routine car maintenance, how to stop a toilet from overflowing, how to set a mousetrap, how to use the fuse box, how to turn off the water main. (Benjamin’s note to self—learn to maintain car, fix a toilet, use the fuse box, and find the water main.) There’s nothing wrong with needing help to get things done, but self-reliance and confidence are handy if you need to change a tire, fix a toilet, or even squish a bug without needing a rescuer to do it for you.


3. Let her play in the mud.

No need to fill their sandbox with only sugar and spice. Mix in some snips and snails and puppy dog tails, too. Be cautious, however, about giving her any nicknames like “Sugar” or “Spice” while she plays in the mud, as it could lead to some uncomfortable career choices down the road.

 

4. Remember that the way you talk about and treat women will have a lasting impact.

Your daughter will pick up on generalizations you make about women, whether positive or negative. Intentionally or not, you shape her identity about what it is to be a woman, and how to expect to be treated for being one. Say positive things about women without pedastalizing. If you can’t be nice, at least be respectful and steer clear of the B-word, C-word, and other words for putting down her entire gender. All this goes double for talking about her mother.

 

5. Teach her the correct names for her genitals, and use them matter-of-factly.

If she wants to say wee-wee, that’s fine, but make sure that as she grows up, she knows her vulva from her vagina. And whatever you do … don’t call it a front-butt.

 

6. Indulge her imagination.

You be the kitty, she’ll be the mommy, then she’ll be the kitty and you’ll be the baby kitty. It’s going to get boring for you, but it’s good for her. Keep doing it. Meow some more. Don’t forget to hiss.

 

7. Cry when the family pet dies.

You don’t have to weep if you hated the critter, but the point is to show that it’s okay for men to feel and express emotions when they come up, even hard ones like sadness and grief. Sometimes the most comforting thing you can do with a difficult emotion is to share it.
Pro tip: If she wants to schedule a memorial service for the pet you hated, try to schedule it right after you’ve watched “Brian’s Song”.

 

8. Teach her honesty and integrity in relationships by demonstrating them in yours.

“Honesty and integrity in relationships” doesn’t mean blind devotion. It means living a life consistent with the values you hold dear, and helping the people you love to live consistent with theirs.
Live the integrity you hope she’ll choose for herself.


9. Read her books with great heroes – both boy and girl heroes.

Books with girl heroes are harder to find, but they’re out there. You can find a lot of recommendations at A Mighty Girl. Also, make up stories on the spot—they don’t have to be perfect—starring her as the conquering hero battling the dragon or saving all the kittens in a big thunderstorm.

 

10. Teach her that she has power over her own body and sexuality.

From when she’s small, tell her that her body belongs to her, and she is the boss of it. As she gets older, teach her that her body isn’t to be used in the effort to win love or approval, or to manipulate others. Teach her that sex is beautiful, and that choices to have and not have sex both carry power and integrity, as long as she is true to herself.
Allow her to talk to you about sex without getting squicked, but also leave room for her to have private conversations about sex and sexuality with other people.

 

11. Teach her about male sexuality without fear-mongering.

It’s tempting to tell her that boys are bad, that sex is evil and that guys only want one thing…
But we know from the last 50 years of Sex Education that this tactic simply doesn’t work, and it damages both boys and girls in the process. Girls learn to fear boys and see them as one-dimensional, or they learn that their parents have been lying all along.
Teach her that respect is key, and both boys and girls deserve it and are able to give it.


12. Share music with each other.

Play your favorite music and tell her why it’s great. Let her do the same for you. Teach her why the bridge in the middle of Van Morrison’s Into the Mystic is so crucial and really try to understand what’s so great about One Direction (and then enlighten us when you figure it out).
Teach her the courtesy of headphones and the wisdom of volume control.

 

13. Dress like a princess if she asks you to… And let her dress like a Power Ranger if she wants.

Yeah, it sucks a little playing dress-up for those of us not theatrically-inclined, but it makes a child feel important when you play the way she wants to play.
Also, playing ‘like a girl’ won’t make you one and playing ‘like a boy’ won’t make her one. So have fun with both.

 

14. Go with her to the nail salon and each of you get a pedicure.

No, you don’t have to get polish! Just enjoy the time with your daughter and the accompanying foot massage. (Unless you have an aversion to emery boards like Benjamin does.)

15. Include her in your favorite hobbies.

Share with her the things you love, like watching Motocross, cooking dinner or playing the guitar.
Take her with you sometimes when you go to the bowling alley, or for a hike on your favorite trail. Go watch surfers in the ocean. Explain exactly what’s happening. Let her get bored after ten or fifteen minutes and then go do what she wants to do for a while.

 

16. Let her put on shows for you. Then put on a silly show for her.

It doesn’t take much—a goofy tap dance, armpit farts, standing on one foot—to make a little girl laugh.

 

17. Let her choose any color she wants for one wall in her room.

Yes, any. Then let her help you paint it. We recommend a very sturdy drop-cloth.
photo: Pink Sherbet Photo / flickr

18. Roughhouse with her.

You won’t break her, and rough play is good for teaching confidence and resilience.

 

19. Inspire her with women role models who excel in traditionally male-dominated fields or activities.

She’s not going to grow up to be an NFL linebacker, but don’t crush aspirations before they begin by telling her what she can’t be because she’s a girl. The few things she can’t do will become obvious on their own, and the rest become possible if she’s allowed to dream and has role models who achieved great things without a penis.

 

20. Don’t shame her for what she wants to wear – but exercise the power to modify.

This one gets trickier with age, but most wardrobe choices by a toddler or little girl can be made to work. If a skirt is too short, leggings are great. If she picks a Spiderman tee for a wedding, try letting her wear it under a dressy top. If you have to overrule her choice, be pragmatic, not judgmental.
(We couldn’t agree on the right approach to this once your daughter hits puberty, so you’re on your own.)


21. Look her in the eyes and have a real conversation at least once every single day that you’re together.

Even if it’s just about My Little Pony or Justin Bieber.

 

 

 

22. As she gets older, tell her the truth about drugs. Don’t use scare tactics, be honest.

Drugs are scary enough without exaggerating. But saying, “If you try drugs, you’ll die (or end up homeless, or become a prostitute, etc)” and having that as your “Drug Talk” will fail. Why? Because she will quickly learn that smoking pot doesn’t kill you—either from watching her friends or doing it herself.
Instead, try something along the lines of, “Using most drugs is like Russian Roulette… Five out of six times a person may be fine. But you never know if you’re going to end up as that one person who won’t be okay.”

 

 

23. Teach her that “No” means “No”, for both herself and others.

Teach her physical boundaries. Teach her how to say no directly, and that her no is to be respected, and that she shouldn’t be afraid or embarrassed to protect her body.
Make it clear that when someone—a little brother, a friend, or a parent—says no, that she is to respect that … including with boys.

 

 

24. Allow her to be girly if that’s her thing, but don’t force her to be if she’s not.

Let her wear dresses whenever she wants, but don’t force her to. Don’t buy everything in pink—unless she’s crazy for the color pink. If she loves Spiderman, go with that until she’s tired of it.

 

25. If she’s still little enough, hold her until she falls asleep sometimes.


 


You’ll miss it when you can’t.


 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Before You Die…

                           
Are there things you really want to do or accomplish, but can’t seem to find the time or the drive? Of course there are. Even people like Bill Gates, Richard Branson, and this pirate have a “bucket list. We all have more than a few I would think.
I would love to visit Spain and Australia someday. I would love to have a 6-pack stomach (even for a day). I would love to make this blog into something people actually care to read.This is not to be depressing. It’s more a call to be inspired.

I just read about this project and it just struck me as being really interesting, innovative. I think there’s really something to be said for this. We all have hopes and dreams, right. Maybe it makes some sense to write it down, make it just a bit more concrete. This is from the site, which is in New Orleans:
With help from old and new friends, Candy Chang turned the side of an abandoned house in her New Orleans neighborhood into a giant chalkboard where residents can write on the wall and share what is important to them. Before I Die  is an interactive public art project that transforms neglected spaces into constructive places where we can discover the hopes and aspirations of the people around us. Share your dreams, too…