My mom gave this plant and it was dead, with a little love and care look at it now. My dad says I inherited my grandfathers green thumb. I have to agree, just like my grandpa I enjoy gardening.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Persistent Rumblings
Lately I've been in a bit of a creative funk. I suspect this largely stems from my current love/hate relationship with my career. Some days I love what I do. Other days, I loathe it. Yes, yes, I'm blessed to have a job at all given the tight economy. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful as I appreciate all the opportunities that having a job has afforded me -- you know, stuff like dinners out, winter and summer vacations, swimming classes for the kiddo, cooking classes for me and other such experiences that having a decent-paying career has allowed me to have. I'm fortunate. I know.
But what happens when you crave the pursuit of other creative interests but long hours at the work prevent you from exploring them? Should you contain the persistent rumblings of entrepreneurial hunger all for the sake of practicality (hello, mortgage, car payment and freaking collage tuition!)? And what do you do when the passion that was once reserved for your career has now been slowly and inadvertently re-directed toward other avenues??? Sigh...
I remember the day when I first learned the meaning of "Carpe Diem". It was in an English class during a discussion of "The Catcher in the Rye" that Mrs Farmer talked to us about the importance of seizing the day. While I appreciated the discussion, I remember thinking to myself, "Duh, how hard is it to seize the day? Just know what you want and go for it!" I was 16-years-old... Young, naive, full of optimism and ideals... free of any real responsibility aside from fulfilling my potential. I was filled with an unending supply of unbridled energy, all of which went towards knowing what I wanted and going for it. It was all so... spectacular and full of promise.
Looking back, I think I could probably learn a thing a two from that kid.
But what happens when you crave the pursuit of other creative interests but long hours at the work prevent you from exploring them? Should you contain the persistent rumblings of entrepreneurial hunger all for the sake of practicality (hello, mortgage, car payment and freaking collage tuition!)? And what do you do when the passion that was once reserved for your career has now been slowly and inadvertently re-directed toward other avenues??? Sigh...
I remember the day when I first learned the meaning of "Carpe Diem". It was in an English class during a discussion of "The Catcher in the Rye" that Mrs Farmer talked to us about the importance of seizing the day. While I appreciated the discussion, I remember thinking to myself, "Duh, how hard is it to seize the day? Just know what you want and go for it!" I was 16-years-old... Young, naive, full of optimism and ideals... free of any real responsibility aside from fulfilling my potential. I was filled with an unending supply of unbridled energy, all of which went towards knowing what I wanted and going for it. It was all so... spectacular and full of promise.
Looking back, I think I could probably learn a thing a two from that kid.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Random Thoughts; Not Well Thought Through.
Don't, as I found myself in a dream last night, find yourself in a circa 1970 Vietnamese village with only five rounds remaining in your M16 rifle. Especially if the village looks like Redlands. (Warning: the VC are forming up at the donut shop on the boulevard.)
Meredith Baxter is a lesbian? Damn! I've had a crush on her for 31 years. I couldn't be more surprised if Rosie O'Donnell came out and said she was straight.
Turkey isn't just for Thanksgiving anymore. Turkey purchased at a cut-rate price after Thanksgiving tastes even better, and the leftovers can stretch on for nearly a week. Yummy.
If so many Jews have had huge success recording Christmas albums (Neil Diamond? OMG...) why isn't there a market for Christians singing songs for Hanukkah? Is there a message there someplace? And, by the way, when is Michael Jackson's lost Kuanzaa album due out?
I've obviously lived a sheltered life. Apparently everybody but me knows that Ambien is a sexual stimulant. This has come to light thanks to Tiger Woods' short drive into a tree. Maybe they ought to rebrand it as "Escalade" in honor of Tiger's damaged Cadillac. Seems like a great name for a product of that nature.
Sophia Loren is 78. Seventy-eight years old? No freaking way!
Meredith Baxter is a lesbian? Damn! I've had a crush on her for 31 years. I couldn't be more surprised if Rosie O'Donnell came out and said she was straight.
Turkey isn't just for Thanksgiving anymore. Turkey purchased at a cut-rate price after Thanksgiving tastes even better, and the leftovers can stretch on for nearly a week. Yummy.
If so many Jews have had huge success recording Christmas albums (Neil Diamond? OMG...) why isn't there a market for Christians singing songs for Hanukkah? Is there a message there someplace? And, by the way, when is Michael Jackson's lost Kuanzaa album due out?
I've obviously lived a sheltered life. Apparently everybody but me knows that Ambien is a sexual stimulant. This has come to light thanks to Tiger Woods' short drive into a tree. Maybe they ought to rebrand it as "Escalade" in honor of Tiger's damaged Cadillac. Seems like a great name for a product of that nature.
Sophia Loren is 78. Seventy-eight years old? No freaking way!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Look right here! One wish for my daughter.
God is not without a sense of humor – or he has a firm grasp of irony. For the early part of my adult life I had no desire for children. Not because I was egotistical and wished to remain the center of my world; the thought of parental responsibility scared me senseless. I had convinced myself all children grow up to be degenerates where boys skip school and get into fights while girls sneak hoochie clothes in their book bags and slip out of the house after everyone has gone to sleep. I just knew if I were to become a father I would spend the better portion of my remaining years bailing a son out of jail and babysitting a daughter’s love child.
It should be noted that most who meet me say I’m very optimistic.
While being responsible for children terrified me in general, the thought of having a girl forced me to reconsider the mythical Spartan ritual of child selection. I looked at it like this, I could always resort to beating the crap out of a boy to put him on the straight-and-narrow or send him off to some militaristic boot camp if necessary, but what options do fathers have with girls? As far as I was concerned it would have been a perfectly wonderful life if no female were ever produced from my loins – until I had one.
My first child, not planned, was none other than a beautiful long lashed angel. From the moment I laid eyes on her chalky whiteness I was absolutely in love – and my life would never be the same again. Today there are only two females with whom I have difficulty telling ‘NO’. If my daughter grasped for a moment the tightness with which I am wrapped around her decade old finger she could already have a car.
I’m convinced when a man has a daughter his outlook on life should change entirely. I once had a fondness for The Swimsuit Issue and the occasional Playboy – now I go ballistic at seeing a Cosmopolitan or Vanity Fair cover in the grocery isle that shows more of the model’s skin than a nun’s habit. I’ve also become hypersensitive to what she watches; especially shows which center too much on appearance, beauty, or exhibit the occasional ‘boyfriend’ dynamic. The Bratz are Satan’s spawn.
As her father I feel this overwhelming sense of dread as my sole responsibility to be the counter-balance to a culture that will do it’s best to tell her value and worth begins and ends with her looks. Shopping malls across America are filled with untold numbers of tween and teen girls who have already drank that Kool-Aid and my anxiety hits new levels when I consider what she has waiting for her outside the purity of her elementary school hallways.
I’ve met and dated enough women to form this conclusion. The small minority I’ve known who grew up having strong, healthy, and honorable bonds with their fathers all seem to possess a higher self worth and place their value on something contrary to the vast majority of women. Just to be clear I’m not talking about ‘daddy’s girls’. I know plenty of these types who still demand a pedestal even though daddy’s been dead for 20 years – they’re lost and spoiled. Instead I’m talking about the one whose daddy not only told her she was his princess he instilled in her how value and self worth ultimately come from something more than her reflection in a mirror.
Through his complete acceptance and guidance she was given the confidence and wisdom to successfully avoid the traps and pitfalls boys – and later men – would attempt to snare her in. From him she realized she didn’t need to seek validation from strangers in unhealthy ways because her value was in something more than mere aesthetics. He accomplished this by continually reminding her, through his deliberate words and deeds, that she simply needed to
“look right here”
Meaning anytime she was tempted to take destructive paths to gain temporary approval and ultimately experience unnecessary heartache she should keep her eyes looking square into the one man’s who would always honor and respect her for who she is. By looking to him she learned how boys and men ought to treat her and she has the confidence and self-respect to demand nothing less from them. And in so doing she possesses the strength to take a step back from the edge of disaster while everything and everyone says otherwise.
Being that type of father is an admirable albeit intimidating responsibility, the result of which can be far-reaching. I believe, for me, it’s a journey that will go far beyond the occasional daddy/daughter dance or ubiquitous ‘date night’. It will require an intentionality on my part that will often be uncomfortable. Because one thing is for certain, the opportunities for her to take detours will be many and the consequences from heading down the wrong path potentially life shattering. I believe every little girl must know she’s worthy in the eyes of a man, especially her father, and that the man values her unconditionally; and I’m convinced if the girl goes long enough without either she’ll find what she’s looking for in – or from – someone else.
It should be noted that most who meet me say I’m very optimistic.
While being responsible for children terrified me in general, the thought of having a girl forced me to reconsider the mythical Spartan ritual of child selection. I looked at it like this, I could always resort to beating the crap out of a boy to put him on the straight-and-narrow or send him off to some militaristic boot camp if necessary, but what options do fathers have with girls? As far as I was concerned it would have been a perfectly wonderful life if no female were ever produced from my loins – until I had one.
My first child, not planned, was none other than a beautiful long lashed angel. From the moment I laid eyes on her chalky whiteness I was absolutely in love – and my life would never be the same again. Today there are only two females with whom I have difficulty telling ‘NO’. If my daughter grasped for a moment the tightness with which I am wrapped around her decade old finger she could already have a car.
I’m convinced when a man has a daughter his outlook on life should change entirely. I once had a fondness for The Swimsuit Issue and the occasional Playboy – now I go ballistic at seeing a Cosmopolitan or Vanity Fair cover in the grocery isle that shows more of the model’s skin than a nun’s habit. I’ve also become hypersensitive to what she watches; especially shows which center too much on appearance, beauty, or exhibit the occasional ‘boyfriend’ dynamic. The Bratz are Satan’s spawn.
As her father I feel this overwhelming sense of dread as my sole responsibility to be the counter-balance to a culture that will do it’s best to tell her value and worth begins and ends with her looks. Shopping malls across America are filled with untold numbers of tween and teen girls who have already drank that Kool-Aid and my anxiety hits new levels when I consider what she has waiting for her outside the purity of her elementary school hallways.
I’ve met and dated enough women to form this conclusion. The small minority I’ve known who grew up having strong, healthy, and honorable bonds with their fathers all seem to possess a higher self worth and place their value on something contrary to the vast majority of women. Just to be clear I’m not talking about ‘daddy’s girls’. I know plenty of these types who still demand a pedestal even though daddy’s been dead for 20 years – they’re lost and spoiled. Instead I’m talking about the one whose daddy not only told her she was his princess he instilled in her how value and self worth ultimately come from something more than her reflection in a mirror.
Through his complete acceptance and guidance she was given the confidence and wisdom to successfully avoid the traps and pitfalls boys – and later men – would attempt to snare her in. From him she realized she didn’t need to seek validation from strangers in unhealthy ways because her value was in something more than mere aesthetics. He accomplished this by continually reminding her, through his deliberate words and deeds, that she simply needed to
“look right here”
Meaning anytime she was tempted to take destructive paths to gain temporary approval and ultimately experience unnecessary heartache she should keep her eyes looking square into the one man’s who would always honor and respect her for who she is. By looking to him she learned how boys and men ought to treat her and she has the confidence and self-respect to demand nothing less from them. And in so doing she possesses the strength to take a step back from the edge of disaster while everything and everyone says otherwise.
Being that type of father is an admirable albeit intimidating responsibility, the result of which can be far-reaching. I believe, for me, it’s a journey that will go far beyond the occasional daddy/daughter dance or ubiquitous ‘date night’. It will require an intentionality on my part that will often be uncomfortable. Because one thing is for certain, the opportunities for her to take detours will be many and the consequences from heading down the wrong path potentially life shattering. I believe every little girl must know she’s worthy in the eyes of a man, especially her father, and that the man values her unconditionally; and I’m convinced if the girl goes long enough without either she’ll find what she’s looking for in – or from – someone else.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Fist Pump - Today I Turn 49
Six months ago, I started on a conscious journey to my 50th birthday, giving myself one and a half years to really focus on preparing myself for the next phase of my life. Today I turn 49 and it’s time to look back and see if I am on track and then to look forward to what is next. This is my 264th blog post and that is probably the most amazing thing of all to me. I started out thinking I’d write once or twice a week, but my cousin pointed out that I needed to post more often if I wanted to maintain anyone’s attention. Well, I have few followers, but I am picking up more now than I did in the beginning, so that is a testament to sticking with something!
My biggest disappointment is my weight. I want to lose 20 pounds by my 50th birthday and in 6 months, I’ve only lost 4. Not really worth mentioning. But I am exercising though and I’m proud of that. I was a complete couch potato for the last several years but now I’m at least getting my heart rate up for 30 minutes or more at a stretch for three to seven days a week. Too bad that doesn’t lead to weight loss!
I did not specifically identify 50 things to do by the time I’m 50, because that is ever evolving. But there were a few that I did mention. One was to read 50 books for pleasure. I’m really happy to say that I’ve read 8 so far and that 7 were fiction…a major shift from my normal reading of primarily non-fiction books. Three were young adult literature (the Hunger Game series), a very interesting genre! Two were Dickens, a beloved author. The others were a Jane Austen book a Stephen King book and, Composing a Life: The Age of Active Wisdom, which I referenced in A Second Adulthood? I love to read and reading is something that has fallen by the wayside in the last decade. I’m so happy to invite it back into my life because it makes it richer and more thoughtful.
I wanted to get myself more physically fit and less expensive to maintain as I get older. I have had mixed results so far with this. I am exercising…a big plus! Weight-loss is something else. I talk a good game and I really do know the ins and outs…but I’ve not done it. For me, weight loss is a major mental and emotional commitment…one I need to make. I have added regular exercise to my routine and eliminated one prescription drug from my daily routine (on my doctor’s advice). Both of these are major successes!
I’ve shared busy times, stressed times, times of celebration, and the experience of seeing my first child go off to college. As one friend told me, this blog has already become a written scrapbook which is a legacy for my children.
My house is starting to shape up in all my fervor for change. I’ve given away about three carfuls of clothing, coats, and bedding to Salvation Army. I’ve cleared out my mudroom, my desk, my bedroom, my linen closet, my utility closet, and my attic stairs. There is so much more to do along those lines, but I’ve made visible progress. I’ve also made progress in finally finishing off the last of the unfinished walls left over from our renovation…A lot of work! I’ve done the trim and the ceiling and need to repair the walls before priming and painting.
More recently I challenged myself to run a 5k and write a novel. I ran in the 5k, or rather finished it including quite a bit of walking. I also made progress on the novel, but didn’t get even close to finishing it…it continues as a work-in-progress. Both of these are important goals for me and I will continue to train so that I can run a 5k from start to finish and get that novel not only down on paper, but shaped into something I’ll be proud to share one day.
Yesterday, I made progress on my goal of listening to more of my favorite music. I am awful at remembering the names of songs or even remembering songs that I used to love. I signed up for Pandora and listed about 10 bands I used to love when I was in high school…and lo and behold, it figured out a ton of songs that brought back so many happy memories! Each song that came on was an “oh, I LOVE that song” moment!
As I look forward to the next year, I see more music, more art, more reading, less clutter, more family time, and more travel. My older daughter will turn 21 in 31 days and graduate from UCR in May. When I turn 50 she’ll begin her first year of medical school. By then my younger daughter will be wearing braces and looking forward to 5th grade. And in between, I’ll be chronicling my journey through these transitional years…I hope you’ll stick around for the ride!
Find the Joy in the Journey and remember to stop and celebrate along the way!
My biggest disappointment is my weight. I want to lose 20 pounds by my 50th birthday and in 6 months, I’ve only lost 4. Not really worth mentioning. But I am exercising though and I’m proud of that. I was a complete couch potato for the last several years but now I’m at least getting my heart rate up for 30 minutes or more at a stretch for three to seven days a week. Too bad that doesn’t lead to weight loss!
I did not specifically identify 50 things to do by the time I’m 50, because that is ever evolving. But there were a few that I did mention. One was to read 50 books for pleasure. I’m really happy to say that I’ve read 8 so far and that 7 were fiction…a major shift from my normal reading of primarily non-fiction books. Three were young adult literature (the Hunger Game series), a very interesting genre! Two were Dickens, a beloved author. The others were a Jane Austen book a Stephen King book and, Composing a Life: The Age of Active Wisdom, which I referenced in A Second Adulthood? I love to read and reading is something that has fallen by the wayside in the last decade. I’m so happy to invite it back into my life because it makes it richer and more thoughtful.
I wanted to get myself more physically fit and less expensive to maintain as I get older. I have had mixed results so far with this. I am exercising…a big plus! Weight-loss is something else. I talk a good game and I really do know the ins and outs…but I’ve not done it. For me, weight loss is a major mental and emotional commitment…one I need to make. I have added regular exercise to my routine and eliminated one prescription drug from my daily routine (on my doctor’s advice). Both of these are major successes!
I’ve shared busy times, stressed times, times of celebration, and the experience of seeing my first child go off to college. As one friend told me, this blog has already become a written scrapbook which is a legacy for my children.
My house is starting to shape up in all my fervor for change. I’ve given away about three carfuls of clothing, coats, and bedding to Salvation Army. I’ve cleared out my mudroom, my desk, my bedroom, my linen closet, my utility closet, and my attic stairs. There is so much more to do along those lines, but I’ve made visible progress. I’ve also made progress in finally finishing off the last of the unfinished walls left over from our renovation…A lot of work! I’ve done the trim and the ceiling and need to repair the walls before priming and painting.
More recently I challenged myself to run a 5k and write a novel. I ran in the 5k, or rather finished it including quite a bit of walking. I also made progress on the novel, but didn’t get even close to finishing it…it continues as a work-in-progress. Both of these are important goals for me and I will continue to train so that I can run a 5k from start to finish and get that novel not only down on paper, but shaped into something I’ll be proud to share one day.
Yesterday, I made progress on my goal of listening to more of my favorite music. I am awful at remembering the names of songs or even remembering songs that I used to love. I signed up for Pandora and listed about 10 bands I used to love when I was in high school…and lo and behold, it figured out a ton of songs that brought back so many happy memories! Each song that came on was an “oh, I LOVE that song” moment!
As I look forward to the next year, I see more music, more art, more reading, less clutter, more family time, and more travel. My older daughter will turn 21 in 31 days and graduate from UCR in May. When I turn 50 she’ll begin her first year of medical school. By then my younger daughter will be wearing braces and looking forward to 5th grade. And in between, I’ll be chronicling my journey through these transitional years…I hope you’ll stick around for the ride!
Find the Joy in the Journey and remember to stop and celebrate along the way!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I will survive turning 49
On Match 8th 1964 at 5:36am this blogger you know came screaming into this world in a small delivery room within Memorial hospital in Las Cruces, New Mexico.
What can I share?
I can only share what I have experienced from a male viewpoint, so you girls will have to let me know if it is the same for you.
I can begin by telling you that life in your 40's is about the second act.
It will be about setting right the mistakes of your 20's. It will have you questioning all the decisions of your past, and force you to take a good hard look at where you are in life.
It will have you coming to grips with aging and accepting that you are no longer in your 20's and what you want to do about it.
Some friends will begin to get sick, go on medication, move, experience divorces, affairs and all manner of life’s challenges. You will question your career, your education, and your bank accounts. You will begin to look towards the years you will be an empty-nester, or you will reflect on the years you chose not to have children.
This is what everyone should know about turning 49 –
1. If you are in an unhappy, un-fulfilling relationship – you will want out.
Some do it with affairs during their 40's and others move into their own bedrooms in the same house. Some shop for encounters on the Internet while others begin visiting bars again like they did in their 20's. But however you do it, you will search for a way to get out. If you can’t afford to get a divorce, then you will find a way to leave emotionally. But you will check out.
2. You will have to address years of not taking care of your health.
If you don’t always eat your veggies, and you drink a little too much, have a sweet tooth and don’t exercise much – in your 40's your body will force you to look your lifestyle habits. If you are one of those men who pushes hard, stays up late, survives on 6 hours a sleep a night and three cups of coffee, by the end of your 40's your body will probably be telling you to fuck off. I kid you not. It will find a way to force you to sleep more, eat better and exercise – or you won’t be picking up your grand children.
3. If you hate your job you will be looking for a way out.
When you are in your 40's you will find the job you hate almost intolerable. If you are smart you will take some classes and get yourself re-trained in something else. If you are really smart you will take classes in something you used to love doing. Either way, you will want change and change your life you will.
4. If you have invested wisely and handled your finances you will begin to reap great rewards.
If you have planned well and taken care of your financial details, the 40's are when things begin to really come together. Big promotions can happen and you can find yourself in a comfortable financial position, able to begin traveling and enjoying the fruits of 30 years of laboring. If you’ve taken care of yourself – you don’t feel old, so life takes on a pleasant glow as now you can enjoy better wine, better food and appreciate all you have done to get where you are.
5. In your 40's you know exactly what you want . . . and don’t want.
Everything becomes crystal clear in your 40's. You know what you want and what you don’t want. You find yourself speaking out for the first time without fear. It’s easier to say no and feel okay about it. You find you have true strength and manage looking out for your needs first.
6. Your heart calls you to do what you have always longed to do.
If you have ignored a dream, the 40's are when your dream voice comes screaming back into your mind – begging you to let it in. If you used to paint, you will find yourself buying paint brushes and paints again. If you used to dance, you will be looking for dance groups your age. If you used to write, you will begin writing again. You may even think about publishing your first novel. You will want to re-connect with your past loves and dreams.
7. You will question your faith or lack thereof.
You will either begin to doubt the religion you were raised in, and begin and exploration of other religions (or even give up believing all together) – or your faith will grow stronger and you will find yourself studying a regular religious practice. You may even take up meditation and yoga. But this time around you will make these decisions based on study and exploration – not your parents wishes. You will search for a deeper meaning to life.
8. You may consider having children or having “your last one.”
If you haven’t taken the time, or found the “right girl” to have a baby, you begin to get real serious about this at 40. Those of you who’ve had children may miss the years when they were babies and you may be considering having one last child. Having children under the age of 3 can be exhausting beyond anyone’s imagination – and this is double the older you are. Make sure if you are planning babies in your 40's that you marriage is solid or you have help you can hire!
Your soul will call out to you in your 40's to make changes to align yourself with who you really are or who you have become. If you are smart you will great these changes with great expectation, if not, you may spend a lot of time crying in the bathroom.
So buy some vitamins, get a good journal, start walking and drinking water, get some sleep in anticipation for the 10 year ride of your life.
What can I share?
I can only share what I have experienced from a male viewpoint, so you girls will have to let me know if it is the same for you.
I can begin by telling you that life in your 40's is about the second act.
It will be about setting right the mistakes of your 20's. It will have you questioning all the decisions of your past, and force you to take a good hard look at where you are in life.
It will have you coming to grips with aging and accepting that you are no longer in your 20's and what you want to do about it.
Some friends will begin to get sick, go on medication, move, experience divorces, affairs and all manner of life’s challenges. You will question your career, your education, and your bank accounts. You will begin to look towards the years you will be an empty-nester, or you will reflect on the years you chose not to have children.
This is what everyone should know about turning 49 –
1. If you are in an unhappy, un-fulfilling relationship – you will want out.
Some do it with affairs during their 40's and others move into their own bedrooms in the same house. Some shop for encounters on the Internet while others begin visiting bars again like they did in their 20's. But however you do it, you will search for a way to get out. If you can’t afford to get a divorce, then you will find a way to leave emotionally. But you will check out.
2. You will have to address years of not taking care of your health.
If you don’t always eat your veggies, and you drink a little too much, have a sweet tooth and don’t exercise much – in your 40's your body will force you to look your lifestyle habits. If you are one of those men who pushes hard, stays up late, survives on 6 hours a sleep a night and three cups of coffee, by the end of your 40's your body will probably be telling you to fuck off. I kid you not. It will find a way to force you to sleep more, eat better and exercise – or you won’t be picking up your grand children.
3. If you hate your job you will be looking for a way out.
When you are in your 40's you will find the job you hate almost intolerable. If you are smart you will take some classes and get yourself re-trained in something else. If you are really smart you will take classes in something you used to love doing. Either way, you will want change and change your life you will.
4. If you have invested wisely and handled your finances you will begin to reap great rewards.
If you have planned well and taken care of your financial details, the 40's are when things begin to really come together. Big promotions can happen and you can find yourself in a comfortable financial position, able to begin traveling and enjoying the fruits of 30 years of laboring. If you’ve taken care of yourself – you don’t feel old, so life takes on a pleasant glow as now you can enjoy better wine, better food and appreciate all you have done to get where you are.
5. In your 40's you know exactly what you want . . . and don’t want.
Everything becomes crystal clear in your 40's. You know what you want and what you don’t want. You find yourself speaking out for the first time without fear. It’s easier to say no and feel okay about it. You find you have true strength and manage looking out for your needs first.
6. Your heart calls you to do what you have always longed to do.
If you have ignored a dream, the 40's are when your dream voice comes screaming back into your mind – begging you to let it in. If you used to paint, you will find yourself buying paint brushes and paints again. If you used to dance, you will be looking for dance groups your age. If you used to write, you will begin writing again. You may even think about publishing your first novel. You will want to re-connect with your past loves and dreams.
7. You will question your faith or lack thereof.
You will either begin to doubt the religion you were raised in, and begin and exploration of other religions (or even give up believing all together) – or your faith will grow stronger and you will find yourself studying a regular religious practice. You may even take up meditation and yoga. But this time around you will make these decisions based on study and exploration – not your parents wishes. You will search for a deeper meaning to life.
8. You may consider having children or having “your last one.”
If you haven’t taken the time, or found the “right girl” to have a baby, you begin to get real serious about this at 40. Those of you who’ve had children may miss the years when they were babies and you may be considering having one last child. Having children under the age of 3 can be exhausting beyond anyone’s imagination – and this is double the older you are. Make sure if you are planning babies in your 40's that you marriage is solid or you have help you can hire!
Your soul will call out to you in your 40's to make changes to align yourself with who you really are or who you have become. If you are smart you will great these changes with great expectation, if not, you may spend a lot of time crying in the bathroom.
So buy some vitamins, get a good journal, start walking and drinking water, get some sleep in anticipation for the 10 year ride of your life.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Women are like apples on trees
Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top. Men don`t want to reach for them because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who`s brave enou...gh to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality
The days of Ward Cleaver are long over
No longer are dads sitting on the sidelines in this game of parenting, but instead, are rolling up their sleeves and digging right in along side the mothers. The days of Ward Cleaver are long over and fathers are doing the very duties that once seemed reserved only for women.
The internet has given voice to a generation of men who are sharing their fatherhood journey with the world. Bloggers, writers, thinkers are all taking to their stories to the public. These men are not only in the trenches they are also sharing their lessons learned with the rest of us. They are sharing their highs and lows, challenges and fears, and hopes and dreams for their children and themselves.
Over the course of the last two years I have had the fortunate opportunity to come into contact with many of these men through their writings and stories. Men who are thinking deeper and writing intelligently about what it means to be a man and father in the twenty first century. Through their own experiences, trials and tribulations they are gaining a storehouse of wisdom from which the rest of the world can and should draw from.
The internet has given voice to a generation of men who are sharing their fatherhood journey with the world. Bloggers, writers, thinkers are all taking to their stories to the public. These men are not only in the trenches they are also sharing their lessons learned with the rest of us. They are sharing their highs and lows, challenges and fears, and hopes and dreams for their children and themselves.
Over the course of the last two years I have had the fortunate opportunity to come into contact with many of these men through their writings and stories. Men who are thinking deeper and writing intelligently about what it means to be a man and father in the twenty first century. Through their own experiences, trials and tribulations they are gaining a storehouse of wisdom from which the rest of the world can and should draw from.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Two words that will destroy any relationship
I remain slightly cynical of couple’s counseling. Which is surprising when you consider half my marriage was spent soaking in its waters; but for the life of me I can’t think of a single nugget of wisdom derived from all those hours on the couch. I’m not entirely hostile to this form of therapy, I’m sure many marriages have been saved through its intervention, I just don’t know of one. And I believe the primary reason for this is by the time most couples get around to seeking help the damage has already been irreversibly done.
Like the overwhelming majority of men, when my ex first suggested we get our own help, I nixed the thought of another sniffing our dirty laundry. I was a management major and had completed our company’s management training program, ergo I was rigorously prepared to fix any problem and especially that of a trifling marital concern. I certainly didn’t need a ‘professional’, for a fee mind you, doing so on our behalf.
"We availed ourselves of the two words that when blended produce the elixir of death for virtually any relationship."
I think you can accurately predict the outcome of any therapy session by the mood with which the patient arrives to the appointment. Like a child kicking and screaming on the first day of kindergarten, I had convinced myself this was going to be the longest hour of my life and a ghastly impediment to the enjoyment of my future Sunday afternoons. Considering the final outcome it’s hard to argue with my prophecy.
Of my several gripes the biggest has to do with the competitiveness innate in couple’s therapy. Yet this isn’t altogether surprising, after all two people who often would rather murder each other are in many ways attempting to demonstrate their marital righteousness like two attorney’s standing in front of a judge and jury hoping verdict is rendered in their favor. If she can get the therapist rallying to her cause she can finally prove that he is a jerk for leaving the toilet seat up and as such is guilty for their marriage falling apart.
I experienced this firsthand at our initial session. As she and I took turns presenting our laundry list of reasons why the marriage sucked and putting all the blame at the feet of each other we soon realized that if one was going to gain an upper hand drastic measures must be taken. In so doing, we availed ourselves of the two words that when blended produce the elixir of death for virtually any relationship.
Most of us blindly underestimate the power of our words. Words can miraculously uplift or they can utterly destroy and like Pandora’s box are impossible to return once set free. A relationship begins with mere words, ‘hi’, ‘would you like to go out for coffee?’, and they end in much the same way ‘I never want to see you again, ‘Why did I marry you?’.
Relationships will live – and they will die – by what we say.
After I met the Queen and knew we had the potential for something special, I made a solemn promise to myself that was unlike anything I had ever pledged in relationships before. It was a vow I knew if broken would signal the death knell for our future, though less earth shattering than other pledges it proved to be all the more honorable. I made the decision early on to avoid using those two words I had employed so many Sunday afternoons on that couch. Two words I knew from experience were like match and kindling capable of setting ablaze any relationship. By themselves they are inconsequential, but when said in conjunction they resonate with deathly venom and a deep seeded maliciousness.
You never…
The first - you – is designed to separate, single out, and take aim. In the context of a relationship, the word takes the notion of unity and togetherness and tosses it on its head. Used to indict, the word demands walls be erected, defenses be readied, and sides be taken; it draws a line and digs a wide chasm between the couple.
The second word – never – is absolute and biased and says scores are being taken and wrongdoings are always tallied. It sends the message that grace isn’t free and forgiveness isn’t cheap. Use of the word suddenly makes the relationship conditional placing on it qualifiers where before there were none.
When used in tandem with any form of relationship faux pas such as, “you never talk to me”, “you never want sex”, “you never satisfy my needs”, the words serve to draw comparisons while showing insensitivity, selfishness, and a reluctance to see the others point of view. Everything a relationship needs to fail.
There were countless Sunday’s in that therapist’s office where she and I attempted to justify our sentiment by condemning the other for what we perceived as each’s greatest shortcomings. But in the end such brazen criticism only proved to further alienate one another and drive us farther away from any desire to make things work. It’s through those experiences that I can now tell the path a relationship is likely on by how they find fault with each other. When the condemnation only centers on the extremes, it’s a strong signal that person is or has closed himself off to even a possibility for the other to change. If all I can concentrate on is what the Queen doesn’t, how can I ever begin to appreciate what she does?
By eliminating those two words from our relationship vocabulary, we are left no choice but to reconsider our initial approach and tackle the issue at hand from a far more inclusive point of reference. By eliminating you we acknowledge some amount of responsibility and getting rid of never erases any perceived prejudice.
After all these years, I’m convinced it’s one of the simplest yet most effective ways to improve communication between couples. When our words are spoken from a place of peace and surrender instead of attack and counter attack we quickly discover we are listened to more intently and understood more respectfully. And as far as I’m concerned those are never bad things.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Everyone is different
"We could all learn from crayons: Some are sharp, some have weird names, they are all different colors, but they all have to learn to live in the same box."
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Feminism, safe sex, and the male ego
In all of God’s creation there is nothing more delicate than the human male ego. With the fortitude of a snowflake, a mere touch of criticism or breeze of rejection and his entire emotional foundation melts into a puddle under his feet.
This insight isn’t novel; women have known and used that detail to their advantage for centuries. Cleopatra played Julius Caesar and Marc Antony like a Vegas stripper does balding middle-aged plumbing supply salesmen from Omaha – with her own place in history to prove it. Yet despite this age-old wisdom I’m surprised at how often women are tripped up by men’s behavior when many of their peculiarities are a direct result of that simple truth.
Regrettably, there are few female bloggers I follow regularly, but those I do I do for good reason. One of my favorites – Marrie from Dirty In Public – published a post recently that sparked my consideration. In summary the anxiety she sets forth is an lament for why single women are branded with a veritable scarlet letter for carrying their own condoms?
“A chick carrying a condom is thought to be “notorious.” Unbelievable that in 2013, a woman choosing to take control of her health can be considered a bad slut”.
It’s a question that deserves our attention. We’ve long moved beyond the worn out excuse made infamous by deadbeat fathers everywhere in their attempts to avoid safe sex - “I forgot them”. And seeing as over 30% of children today are born to single mothers, any notion that men bear ultimate responsibility for providing these necessary accouterments should clearly be reconsidered. So this implies the question, if men are too irresponsible or simply refuse to hold fast to their end of the sexual bargain what is a single woman to do? Well, in the final analysis she’s left with two choices, don the latest style chastity belt or become a resident prophylactic pundit.
There is this rather insidious perception among women that men are born with an aversion to commitment in general and marriage in particular. This, in part, is driven by two things; an increasingly cliché dependent Hollywood who can’t seem to move beyond the movie rut of guy finds girl – guy loses girl (for said evasiveness) – guy spends the rest of the movie winning girl back (by trying to prove he can commit). And the other reason is how bitter mothers, whose Disneyland dreams never fully materialized, have used their daughters as a provisional therapist and in so doing jaded the poor girl’s perceptions of men virtually beyond repair.
I can say emphatically that this belief could not be farther from the truth. When a boy finally sees girls as the preferable option to running over frogs with his bicycle he doesn’t imagine his future as an emotionally unavailable man priding himself on remaining ‘untied’ and choosing one dalliance after the next in a state of perpetual wretchedness. Much like the new object of the boy’s attention, he too has visions of white picket fences, SUV’s, mortgage payments, kids, and a life with the young girl who will one day blossom into his beautiful loving bride.
Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
And amid all these rainbows and butterflies it’s the girl who stands at the foreground. She is the cement that holds the rest of his dreams together; the woman who will contain all of the qualities he imagines – no matter how romantic and unrealistic they may be. And among his candy cane wishes for the perfect wife and mother to his children is one trait that he intrinsically understands but can’t quite explain – her sexual innocence – that he is her only one.
No boy dreams of marrying the girl who once did the entire secondary of the varsity football team.
It was with this in mind that I commented on Marrie’s article,
“Yes, this is 2013 and yes sex between strangers is as spontaneous as a kegger in a fraternity house. But for all the modernity of our society, men intrinsically still want to believe that he is her only one, even while he knows it may likely be a one night stand. His appall at a woman bringing out the condom has nothing to do with a belief that she is notorious and everything to do with his insecurity. Her initiative is a reminder that he isn’t her first and will likely not be her last and that’s a crush to the most fragile thing God created – his ego.”
Feminism brought with it a greater awareness to women’s sexuality. No longer was sex viewed as merely a one-player sport, instead it allowed women to take charge of their own sexual nature and gave them the freedom to explore it without fear of having letters embroidered on their blouse. Casual sex finally became an all-skate.
And while feminism has advanced the cause of promiscuity among women old habits are still hard to break. Because while the cute guy you met at the club happily appreciates that you’ve enthusiastically embraced this new sexual equality while driving you back to his place he is nonetheless shocked, confused, and dismayed at how you are so thoroughly prepared for the after party.
And I think the reason for this goes back to men’s egos and their childhood dreams. What you see as responsibility – taking control of your own sexuality and sexual health by having said condom at the ready – he sees as calculated professionalism. Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
You just impaled his self-image with your 6-inch pumps. Why? Because getting you home is far more about the conquest of you than it is having sex with you. It’s a far greater confidence boost to talk the church volunteer into bed who ‘normally doesn’t do this kind of thing’ than it is the woman who seems to make it a weekly habit. Your preparedness crushes all notions that he may have been your only one. Not to mention it squashes every delusion of grandeur he had of being the supreme ladies’ man, par excellence. Your military-like readiness reminds him that he really isn’t that special – just lucky.
The hypocrisy with all this is mind blowing – I totally understand that. And the fact that he is unable to see beyond that hypocrisy makes it even worse. But that doesn’t make his perception any less your reality at that moment or long after he’s left and told all his friends about you. And the sad fact is this, I’m not sure any of it is going to change because no matter how far feminism advances equality among the sexes be it jobs, politics, or the bedroom, when it comes to the condoms - it’s still a man’s world.
This insight isn’t novel; women have known and used that detail to their advantage for centuries. Cleopatra played Julius Caesar and Marc Antony like a Vegas stripper does balding middle-aged plumbing supply salesmen from Omaha – with her own place in history to prove it. Yet despite this age-old wisdom I’m surprised at how often women are tripped up by men’s behavior when many of their peculiarities are a direct result of that simple truth.
Regrettably, there are few female bloggers I follow regularly, but those I do I do for good reason. One of my favorites – Marrie from Dirty In Public – published a post recently that sparked my consideration. In summary the anxiety she sets forth is an lament for why single women are branded with a veritable scarlet letter for carrying their own condoms?
“A chick carrying a condom is thought to be “notorious.” Unbelievable that in 2013, a woman choosing to take control of her health can be considered a bad slut”.
It’s a question that deserves our attention. We’ve long moved beyond the worn out excuse made infamous by deadbeat fathers everywhere in their attempts to avoid safe sex - “I forgot them”. And seeing as over 30% of children today are born to single mothers, any notion that men bear ultimate responsibility for providing these necessary accouterments should clearly be reconsidered. So this implies the question, if men are too irresponsible or simply refuse to hold fast to their end of the sexual bargain what is a single woman to do? Well, in the final analysis she’s left with two choices, don the latest style chastity belt or become a resident prophylactic pundit.
There is this rather insidious perception among women that men are born with an aversion to commitment in general and marriage in particular. This, in part, is driven by two things; an increasingly cliché dependent Hollywood who can’t seem to move beyond the movie rut of guy finds girl – guy loses girl (for said evasiveness) – guy spends the rest of the movie winning girl back (by trying to prove he can commit). And the other reason is how bitter mothers, whose Disneyland dreams never fully materialized, have used their daughters as a provisional therapist and in so doing jaded the poor girl’s perceptions of men virtually beyond repair.
I can say emphatically that this belief could not be farther from the truth. When a boy finally sees girls as the preferable option to running over frogs with his bicycle he doesn’t imagine his future as an emotionally unavailable man priding himself on remaining ‘untied’ and choosing one dalliance after the next in a state of perpetual wretchedness. Much like the new object of the boy’s attention, he too has visions of white picket fences, SUV’s, mortgage payments, kids, and a life with the young girl who will one day blossom into his beautiful loving bride.
Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
And amid all these rainbows and butterflies it’s the girl who stands at the foreground. She is the cement that holds the rest of his dreams together; the woman who will contain all of the qualities he imagines – no matter how romantic and unrealistic they may be. And among his candy cane wishes for the perfect wife and mother to his children is one trait that he intrinsically understands but can’t quite explain – her sexual innocence – that he is her only one.
No boy dreams of marrying the girl who once did the entire secondary of the varsity football team.
It was with this in mind that I commented on Marrie’s article,
“Yes, this is 2013 and yes sex between strangers is as spontaneous as a kegger in a fraternity house. But for all the modernity of our society, men intrinsically still want to believe that he is her only one, even while he knows it may likely be a one night stand. His appall at a woman bringing out the condom has nothing to do with a belief that she is notorious and everything to do with his insecurity. Her initiative is a reminder that he isn’t her first and will likely not be her last and that’s a crush to the most fragile thing God created – his ego.”
Feminism brought with it a greater awareness to women’s sexuality. No longer was sex viewed as merely a one-player sport, instead it allowed women to take charge of their own sexual nature and gave them the freedom to explore it without fear of having letters embroidered on their blouse. Casual sex finally became an all-skate.
And while feminism has advanced the cause of promiscuity among women old habits are still hard to break. Because while the cute guy you met at the club happily appreciates that you’ve enthusiastically embraced this new sexual equality while driving you back to his place he is nonetheless shocked, confused, and dismayed at how you are so thoroughly prepared for the after party.
And I think the reason for this goes back to men’s egos and their childhood dreams. What you see as responsibility – taking control of your own sexuality and sexual health by having said condom at the ready – he sees as calculated professionalism. Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
You just impaled his self-image with your 6-inch pumps. Why? Because getting you home is far more about the conquest of you than it is having sex with you. It’s a far greater confidence boost to talk the church volunteer into bed who ‘normally doesn’t do this kind of thing’ than it is the woman who seems to make it a weekly habit. Your preparedness crushes all notions that he may have been your only one. Not to mention it squashes every delusion of grandeur he had of being the supreme ladies’ man, par excellence. Your military-like readiness reminds him that he really isn’t that special – just lucky.
The hypocrisy with all this is mind blowing – I totally understand that. And the fact that he is unable to see beyond that hypocrisy makes it even worse. But that doesn’t make his perception any less your reality at that moment or long after he’s left and told all his friends about you. And the sad fact is this, I’m not sure any of it is going to change because no matter how far feminism advances equality among the sexes be it jobs, politics, or the bedroom, when it comes to the condoms - it’s still a man’s world.
Parenting like nobody is watching
As a boy I was mesmerized by what could be done with a handful of dominoes. Not for their original purpose, I still have no clue how the real game is played. My fascination instead came in the way magicians and other conjurers using hundreds or thousands of them could create complex geometric shapes full of colors and strange patterns.
I was no more than ten years old when a PBS station documentary featured a long forgotten illusionist as he constructed a masterpiece with over ten thousands dominoes set to resemble the Statue of Liberty. The program reported the painstaking detail and effort that went into his preparation aligning one domino strategically beside the next, piece by piece, line by line, hour by hour remaining ever conscious of how one misstep could erase his hours of work in a matter of seconds or how one misplaced domino could bring the finale to an immediate halt.
My favorite part was right before the artist turned his imagination into reality. With the pieces laid out, the anticipation ran high as his gentle nudge set into motion an arranged spectacle of clicks that brought his design to life.
This trivial event has remained in my conscious for its symbolism. Propelled forward by the one adjacent to it those dominoes have come to represent the potential behind a single human act.
Not long ago I read an article from a woman defending her open marriage and touting its benefits. Her distorted interpretation of marital fidelity didn’t shock me near as much as her declaration of being a mother of two pre-school aged children. As I read her arguments for how open marriages were far superior alternatives to conventional matrimony, I couldn’t help but wonder how she juxtaposed her stance on commitment with the understanding of her responsibilities as a parent.
Of all the duties fatherhood demands of me, I feel the most important is preparing my children for adulthood. Loving them is paramount, protecting them is natural, but modeling the behaviors that will serve them throughout life and help to shape their futures is my overarching mission. And as my children have become older I’ve began to realize one important principle towards achieving this goal – what I say isn’t nearly as important as what I do. Because they are children doesn’t negate the fact that, like all of us, they pay more attention to my actions. Talk is cheap is a lesson learned at an early age.
Yet one of the greatest delusions I now witness among parents is the belief, in fact the conviction, that kids don’t pay attention and it would’t matter if they did because parents aren’t accountable to their kids for their actions.
That was all I could think about as I read how this mother and wife gladly walked her husband to the door for his date night with another woman while she stayed home to take care of their children. I couldn’t help but wonder how she rationalized this against her motherly instincts and how would she eventually explain to their children why mommy and daddy don’t come home some nights. While an extreme example it is no less representative of many parents albeit on a less questionable yet just as damaging moral scale whether that be alcohol abuse, drug use, infidelity, pornography, or any other on the laundry list of behaviors most parents would immediately condemn their children for participating in at any age.
The justification I most often observe when it comes to these questionable behaviors and their role as a parent is the argument that “I’m an adult and they are children and I have gained the right to do things they can’t”. And though this may sound logical on the surface it altogether discounts real life and frankly assumes children in general are morons.
My daughter is eight and already she has the insight to call me out when she observes me acting the hypocrite – she’s eight! At ten I’ve noticed behaviors in my older daughter similar to mine yet we’ve never talked about them. This has forced me to concede what so many parents before me already understand – our kids are watching us and they’re also taking notes. It’s because of this I must constantly remind myself, like those dominoes, that my actions can and do have consequences on my children.
One of the primary motivators that led me to finally break my pornography addiction was my son. Having struggled with the shame and guilt, I never wanted him to experience that same humiliation. But the more I thought on it, as his father, how I could I lead him down a better path if I was still on the one I was trying to keep him away from? How could I be the father he needed while I being crushed by my own deceit? How would he ever hear me over the sound of my own hypocrisy?
I’m thoroughly convinced that parents will be held accountable for their actions if not with their children’s words it will be with their children’s deeds. The parent who abuses alcohol shouldn’t be surprised when their child does the same; the mother whose most pressing concern is looking younger shouldn’t be shocked when her teenage daughter suddenly equates her own self worth to how she looks. When we parent like no one is watching we invariably leave it up to our children to discern the difference. We fail to recognize that if our children see mom and dad doing what we tell them they should because we are ‘mature’ they will still assume it must be all right for them too. When we parent in such a way we leave it up to our children to determine right from wrong allowing them to set the direction on their own morality GPS.
From all this experience and observation I’ve discovered that the more transparent I can be with my children – in word and deed – the better parent I will ultimately be because I’m able to father without feelings of guilt at keeping secrets or hiding behind the shame of hypocrisy. I must remember the domino because the fact remains any one of my actions might be the very one that propels my children’s lives forward in a direction I never intended.
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