Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Seven battles every single parent must win – #2 Anger

      

If the root of evil is money, the root of divorce is anger. – Me

Marriages end for a plethora of reasons; often the grounds are understandable while others appear petty and narcissistic. But no matter the hidden or obvious motivation, underneath the numerous rationalizationsf there lies a solid bedrock of anger. And while the firebrand of that anger may be a cornucopia of circumstances ranging from adultery to mere incompatibility; the outcome always finds its way to scorching hostility.

I’ve yet to meet one single person who, when their justifications were set aside, wouldn’t concede that it was an unremitting anger that led them to finally end the marriage and file for divorce. Maybe their rage stemmed from an affair, or perhaps their indignation grew from being replaced by the corporate ladder or needs of the children, or possibly it was just the exasperation of a relationship that couldn’t seem to crawl its way out of the ditch. No matter the root cause, in thyye end that motivation becomes little more than kindling now fueling their white-hot disdain.

Surprisingly, it would be after the divorce when my anger and loathing began to emerge. Even as the genuine reason for the marriage’s failure suddenly became evident, the lies and deceit were easier to digest than one might imagine. In hindsight I think much of that had to do with my anticipation of and focus on a burning desire to reinvent myself. Through modest counseling I was quickly able to move out from under the shadow of her infidelity, which consequently I began to wear like a Boy Scout patch for heroic altruism. And the validation and sympathy I received at the selfish reasons for why I was now a single father only served to swell my sacrificial cow ego. Yet underneath this cool panache were the smoldering embers of a rage that would eventually consume me.

"It’s in this context that my anger initially found fertile soil and began to grow and entwine me; and against its strangulation I’ve battled ever since."

The anger ignited as my daughter started getting older and my time with her became more pleasure and less burden. As changing diapers and feeding bottles were replaced with throwing footballs and dinner conversations I could recognize how the actions of this one trusted person changed her innocent life forever. I could sense the confusion and frustration in her little mind as she bounced from one house to another like balls in a co-parenting Ping-Pong match. And this awareness was intensified every time I pulled out of that driveway and watched as another man suddenly assumed a role that should have been solely mine – a father.

At its most basic, this anger was nourished by the categorical unfairness in it all. Without missing a beat I was slowly being replaced with someone new filling the shoes of her dad. In what can only be discerned as deliberate, the void in my daughrer’s life due to the divorce was conveniently and methodically backfilled with another man. Quickly pictures began to appear on tables and walls portraying the happy family while I had been demoted to the station of sufferable uncle. And this was now the undeniable reality; that my daughter had two fathers, and not only did that break my heart it yielded a seething rage within me.

It was in this context that my anger initially found fertile soil and began to grow and entwine me; and against its strangulation I’ve battled ever since. To say that I’ve remotely conquered this opponent would be a lie. Like any war, enemies can be held at bay for a while as the fighting ebbs and flows with some periods more peaceful than others, but in the most obscure and often inconsequential of moments the remaining cinders can quickly touch off again into a cataclysmic eruption.

It’s been my experience that the battle against anger is one of the more difficult of the seven to overcome. The world is replete with men and women who have been unable, or unwilling, to take the necessary and painful steps that might lead towards healing. Instead they’ve affixed their pride so firmly to that anger it’s now supplanted itself as their entire identity. Remove the rage and they don’t know who they are any longer. And by consequence they unknowingly allow that wrath to affect every area of their life most important of which is the relationship with their children. I witnessed as parents use their kids like mortar shells to wage war against the perceived enemy in hopes of quenching their scorching fury.

As I have reflected on my story, my first discovery is that to ever move beyond anger and disappointment we must accept the reality which ultimately is the anger’s lifeblood. And part of that includes coming to grips with the fact that the decision to do so rests entirely with ourselves regardless of whether the other person takes responsibility or even acknowledges the pain caused. I quickly learned that living in fantasyland and playing the ‘only if’ game did nothing but add kerosene to an open flame.

And in doing so this has produced the most amazing phenomenon, when I finally did accept the reality that I will never be my daughter’s only dad, I began to experience a calm and peace that before never existed. By trying to fight we only make things more difficult.

But what became most unexpected, once I was able to fully embrace this new hand life had dealt me, the fog of animosity and resentment began to lift and I possessed a new clarity that allowed me to recognize the opportunities my reality now opened up before me. As a single father I could see that I’ve been given the chance to impact my children in a way I could never as a married father. With the elimination of a toxic and unhealthy relationship I have the freedom and emotional bandwidth to model for my children what I believe fatherhood to truly be. I now have the chance to demonstrate for my son the type of man he should aim for and to emulate those manly behaviors my daughter should come to expect from future men in her life.

One final point, and I can’t emphasize or write about this enough, divorce never happens in a vacuum. Newton’s Third Law of Motion applies as equally to relationships as it does to physics. Every reaction can and does have an equal and opposite reaction. When I arrived at the point where I could acknowledge the part I had to play in the marriage’s downfall I was forced to recognize that if I stayed angry at others then I must be no less angry at myself. And it just so happened that I was no longer allowed to use self-deception and portray myself as the innocent victim those feelings of anger started to disappear.

None of this should be taken that I’ve got it all figured out. Even after eight years I have yet to walk off this battlefield, but I continue to fight and take my licks in the confidence that the final prize will be worth every wound.

This is the 2nd in a series of posts by the same name.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Seven battles ever single parent must win – #1 Entitlement

The Kübler-Ross model or as it’s commonly known The Five Stages of Grief says that individuals go through five distinct emotional states when faced with the reality of tragedy, most notably loss from death. These stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance can occur in a predictable and logical order, randomly, or in other cases, though rarely, not at all. Anyone who has dealt with the loss of a loved one or family member can appreciate the painful truth behind this theory.

The ending of a marriage, arguably, is one of the most devastating losses any person can suffer. It’s been said by many that divorce is even worse than death. Oddly enough I think that’s because death may be softest option the mind and heart has to grasp why the other person left the relationship. Yet regardless of one’s own sentiment, it’s hard to deny the suffering that divorce does impart, not only to the chief participants, but the children and extended family, all of which gets punctuated by the length the agony can linger.

My marriage ended in early 2005 and was immediately followed with the discovery that its main inspiration had been a secret affair that became public immediately after the judge signed the papers. Reflecting back on the months up to and following that event I find similarities between my emotional state and Kübler-Ross Model. If anything, divorce is surely a roller coaster ride.

Viewing life through this worldview, when motives are based upon our own self-interests, inherently leads to shallow choices that ultimately foster deep regrets
The recovery road of divorce is different for everyone. Each experience is shaped by a host of influences including who asked and who was asked, the root cause of the separation, and the level of viciousness the divorced reached. And while each path may well be different, there are certain stops we all make along the journey. Many refer to these stops as stages, others label them seasons, and I prefer to call them battles. I dislike the concept of season as it implies we are helpless to do anything about the situation, much like the weather, and instead we must fold our hands and wait for the storm to pass. ‘Battle’ provides a level of hope that, while likely to be difficult, there is opportunity to vanquish the enemy.

With my divorce eight years in the rearview mirror, underscored with the fact that my daughter was under three years old when I became a single dad, I have narrowed these battles into what I believe are the seven every single, and specially divorced, parent must fight – and win.

These battles are, entitlement, fear, loneliness, anger, regret, guilt, and vengeance.

From my experience I’ve learned they can be waged on several fronts against multiple foes at the same time then be followed by periods of peace and tranquility – only to flare back up again. For some, certain battles may seem more like skirmishes while others feel like D-Day on the beaches of Normandy. Many battles rage on for years while others erupt in aggressive fighting then quickly dissipate. And lastly and from first hand experience; defeating of one can, and often does, serve only to make way for another.

If asked to pinpoint my emotional state immediately following my divorce, after watching the dismantling of life, as I knew it, I would admit I suffered an enormous sense of entitlement. This was due in large measure to three things. First, I didn’t ask for the divorce. Second, the financial implications as a result were tremendous. Third, I believe I made the deepest sacrifices. And on top of it all was a layer of victimization fueled by falsely thinking I had no part to play.

This sense of entitlement manifest itself in several ways. To begin, I felt I had suddenly been awarded Double Jeopardy at being wrongly convicted and punished for a crime I didn’t commit. As a result I gave license to act in whatever way I chose without regard for who might get hurt in the process. Secondly, I made the end all of my existence my own happiness and pleasure, I believed the last ten years of my life had now been for nothing and I was intent on making up for what I missed out on. And lastly, to justify it all, any morals I may have possessed were promptly thrown out the window; as far as I was concerned doing the right thing had gotten me nowhere so what was the point.

At its most fundamental a feeling of entitlement leads us to make only those choices that serve our own best interests no matter the cost to others. A divorced parent will abandon their children because of another relationship; mothers will leverage their kids to maintain control post divorce while fathers will use money to the same ends, and in each case acting so because they feel entitled.

Yet the most significant concern with entitlement lays in this; we begin to see others not for who they are but only for what they can do for and give to us. Viewing life through this worldview, when motives are based upon our own self-interests, inherently leads to shallow choices that ultimately foster deep regrets. It has taken years of my own personal growth to realize the hurt I caused others and myself because of that shameless and self-righteous attitude – decisions that having been made can never be undone.

I believe it’s the men who fight this battle of entitlement the longest. More often the divorce wasn’t their choice, but when they finally come to accept the end of the marriage is when they, much like I did, go into a dispensation tale spin feeling as if life has given them a raw deal and the world owes the bill.

It’s a common piece of advice and one I thoroughly agree with, a new divorcee should stay out of any relationship for the first twelve months. And the feeling of entitlement is usually the reason why. In this emotional state men may begin viewing women as the prescription of choice to get over their loss – but instead of calling it entitlement they mistakenly refer to it as freedom. But like any drug when the benefits begin to wear off whatever was getting him by soon gets discarded for something more potent.

There is only one way I know of to win the battle against this, but a word of caution, it isn’t a pleasant pill to swallow. Eliminating a sense of entitlement after a divorce, brought about with the thinking of ‘look what I went through!’, requires us to admit that the divorce didn’t happen in a vacuum and confessing, we are also guilty and had a part to play.

Until we can fully and sincerely admit to this, which starts by putting our pride on the shelf, we are destined to continue fighting that loosing battle, and in so doing, minimize any chances we have of ever moving on.

This is the 1st in a series of posts by the same name.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Why adultery still matters

                               

If you’re a fan of watching heroes topple, this weekend became your Super Bowl of sorts. In a 72-hour period three high profile men of industry and the military saw their private lives and their careers served up like the dollar menu at McDonalds.

David Petreaus, now former CIA director and retired military golden child, Joe Rogers Jr., daddy’s boy and CEO of my favorite chain restaurant – Waffle House, and Christopher Kubasik heir apparent to Lockheed Martin’s top job all found their names and reputations laid bare in news papers and media outlets across the country, and each under the same pretense – extra-marital affairs.

It was discovered via harassing emails from one woman to another that Patreaus, aged 60, was having an affair with his 40-year-old biographer. Rogers has been accused of demanding a former house keeper and single mom, after she wouldn’t actually have sex with him, to perform sexual favors as a condition of her employment, and Kubasik has admitted to dipping his Monte Blanc in the company ink.

These stories are nothing new, it seems we can’t go ninety days without an infidelity scandal racking the halls of Washington or the C-suites of America. Power is an alluring mistress enticing those who possess it into believing they are outside the reach of the same virtue which governs us mere mortals. So when their callous actions finally outpace their reputations and their handlers’ best efforts we commoners secretly relish in the satisfaction at the demi-god’s demise. The public at large is singing the same chorus anytime events such as these happen. Amid the refrains of shock and disappointment is the ubiquitous stanza demanding resignations and forfeiture of the prestige and privilege such statuses provide. In other words, their behavior is inconsistent with their job titles.

Show me a man who will cheat on his wife and I’ll show a man who will lie about anything.

Maybe it’s just me, but I find the overwhelming response somewhat baffling. There are growing numbers who believe marriage, in its traditional sense, is circling the drain. They support this view citing high divorce rates and more couples opting to hedge their bets by cohabiting instead of going ‘all in’ and tying the knot. They believe marriage is little more than antiquated legalism harkening back to the days before indoor plumbing and microwaves; a social conditioning that actually hinders relationships by placing unnecessary obligations and restraints that only serve to stifle true love. Oscar Wilde may have said it best, “One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry.”

But here’s where I get hung up, why is it that amid all the debate about marriage and its insignificance does this intolerance of infidelity remain so universal? When so many think that marriage is now useless, why is there still outrage and disgust when someone steps outside it like these men have? Why is infidelity the only sin we are perfectly within our right to judge? And why is there this expectation that a seemingly dead institution, marriage, should still be honored and cherished and anyone choosing to stray from it deserves everything they get?

In other words, why does adultery still matter?

In the continuing coverage surrounding these events, especially those of Patreaus, opinions are plentiful on how much their infidelity ought be factored into the men’s futures. Should their personal life have any impact on their professional one? Do they deserve to lose their jobs potentially ruining their careers or should they get a pass for who they are and what they’ve done? Or is infidelity such a deal killer that it makes every other good deed suddenly inconsequential? Or put another way, what does Kubasik’s adultery have to do with making airplanes? One article answers like this:

“Now, sophisticates know that infidelity happens all the time, in the C suite and on the factory floor. And having an affair, in and of itself, doesn’t disqualify anybody from holding a position of public authority…And so as a general rule, when top professionals admit to, or are caught in, extramarital activity, it is regarded as a sign of human frailty or failing—not as a disqualification or reason to retire.”

“Sophisticates” should also know that marriage is a commitment, a heart-felt promise to forsake all others and devote oneself physically, spiritually, and mentally to the other person for life. Likewise they ought to know that there is no more powerful bond between two people than that of matrimony. Marriage is a big deal and brings huge consequences, both to the individuals and the friends and family around them. Marriage, if anything, is about honor. But unfortunately not everyone takes marriage so seriously and because of that divorce has become part of our culture and is acceptable so long as it’s handled with a bit of decency. But should the divorce be a result of lies, deceit, and fraud that acceptance rightly turns to downright indignation and distrust.

Consider this, all of these men were powerful leaders heading influential organizations (even the Waffle House, just try their hash browns). They didn’t make it to the executive suite with poor decision-making skills. Not to mention once on the executive floor, their every action and step is sifted through the filter of Legal, HR, and Public Relations. Nothing they ever do is left to chance, so it shouldn’t be surprising when their laments of how they “used poor judgment that has deeply hurt their friends and family” fall on deaf ears.

And this brings me to why adultery still matters. If a person, man or woman, will have an affair and thereby lie to the person they promised to love, honor, and cherish above all others until they day they die, is there anyone they would not lie to? Infidelity isn’t a matter of bad judgment it’s a matter character. Anyone so self-absorbed as to maliciously destroy a marriage out of purely egomaniacal reasons will unlikely show restraint when faced with an ethical dilemma at work. If a husband will deceive his wife of 38 years, he will deceive a customer, employee, or boss. Is it even fathomable to think that a man who cheats and lies at home can remain honest at the office? No man is his own island and character is a factor – in and out of the boardroom. Show me a man who will cheat on his wife and I’ll show you a man who will lie about anything. Make no mistake, their infidelity speaks volumes about the type of person they are – at home or behind a desk.

There’s some who’ll say I’m acting extremely judgmental by not taking into consideration how people can change. And they’re right; I am proof of how bad choices can be turned for the better. But, if we don’t gauge a person by their actions, what are we left with?

I feel for these families just as I feel for these men. It’s hard to imagine how they could get so low to sacrifice their careers and families on the altar of pretentiousness, believing their actions away from work shouldn’t or wouldn’t matter. Yet I’m willing to bet this morning if you asked these men they’d tell you – adultery still matters.