In all of God’s creation there is nothing more delicate than the human male ego. With the fortitude of a snowflake, a mere touch of criticism or breeze of rejection and his entire emotional foundation melts into a puddle under his feet.
This insight isn’t novel; women have known and used that detail to their advantage for centuries. Cleopatra played Julius Caesar and Marc Antony like a Vegas stripper does balding middle-aged plumbing supply salesmen from Omaha – with her own place in history to prove it. Yet despite this age-old wisdom I’m surprised at how often women are tripped up by men’s behavior when many of their peculiarities are a direct result of that simple truth.
Regrettably, there are few female bloggers I follow regularly, but those I do I do for good reason. One of my favorites – Marrie from Dirty In Public – published a post recently that sparked my consideration. In summary the anxiety she sets forth is an lament for why single women are branded with a veritable scarlet letter for carrying their own condoms?
“A chick carrying a condom is thought to be “notorious.” Unbelievable that in 2013, a woman choosing to take control of her health can be considered a bad slut”.
It’s a question that deserves our attention. We’ve long moved beyond the worn out excuse made infamous by deadbeat fathers everywhere in their attempts to avoid safe sex - “I forgot them”. And seeing as over 30% of children today are born to single mothers, any notion that men bear ultimate responsibility for providing these necessary accouterments should clearly be reconsidered. So this implies the question, if men are too irresponsible or simply refuse to hold fast to their end of the sexual bargain what is a single woman to do? Well, in the final analysis she’s left with two choices, don the latest style chastity belt or become a resident prophylactic pundit.
There is this rather insidious perception among women that men are born with an aversion to commitment in general and marriage in particular. This, in part, is driven by two things; an increasingly cliché dependent Hollywood who can’t seem to move beyond the movie rut of guy finds girl – guy loses girl (for said evasiveness) – guy spends the rest of the movie winning girl back (by trying to prove he can commit). And the other reason is how bitter mothers, whose Disneyland dreams never fully materialized, have used their daughters as a provisional therapist and in so doing jaded the poor girl’s perceptions of men virtually beyond repair.
I can say emphatically that this belief could not be farther from the truth. When a boy finally sees girls as the preferable option to running over frogs with his bicycle he doesn’t imagine his future as an emotionally unavailable man priding himself on remaining ‘untied’ and choosing one dalliance after the next in a state of perpetual wretchedness. Much like the new object of the boy’s attention, he too has visions of white picket fences, SUV’s, mortgage payments, kids, and a life with the young girl who will one day blossom into his beautiful loving bride.
Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
And amid all these rainbows and butterflies it’s the girl who stands at the foreground. She is the cement that holds the rest of his dreams together; the woman who will contain all of the qualities he imagines – no matter how romantic and unrealistic they may be. And among his candy cane wishes for the perfect wife and mother to his children is one trait that he intrinsically understands but can’t quite explain – her sexual innocence – that he is her only one.
No boy dreams of marrying the girl who once did the entire secondary of the varsity football team.
It was with this in mind that I commented on Marrie’s article,
“Yes, this is 2013 and yes sex between strangers is as spontaneous as a kegger in a fraternity house. But for all the modernity of our society, men intrinsically still want to believe that he is her only one, even while he knows it may likely be a one night stand. His appall at a woman bringing out the condom has nothing to do with a belief that she is notorious and everything to do with his insecurity. Her initiative is a reminder that he isn’t her first and will likely not be her last and that’s a crush to the most fragile thing God created – his ego.”
Feminism brought with it a greater awareness to women’s sexuality. No longer was sex viewed as merely a one-player sport, instead it allowed women to take charge of their own sexual nature and gave them the freedom to explore it without fear of having letters embroidered on their blouse. Casual sex finally became an all-skate.
And while feminism has advanced the cause of promiscuity among women old habits are still hard to break. Because while the cute guy you met at the club happily appreciates that you’ve enthusiastically embraced this new sexual equality while driving you back to his place he is nonetheless shocked, confused, and dismayed at how you are so thoroughly prepared for the after party.
And I think the reason for this goes back to men’s egos and their childhood dreams. What you see as responsibility – taking control of your own sexuality and sexual health by having said condom at the ready – he sees as calculated professionalism. Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
You just impaled his self-image with your 6-inch pumps. Why? Because getting you home is far more about the conquest of you than it is having sex with you. It’s a far greater confidence boost to talk the church volunteer into bed who ‘normally doesn’t do this kind of thing’ than it is the woman who seems to make it a weekly habit. Your preparedness crushes all notions that he may have been your only one. Not to mention it squashes every delusion of grandeur he had of being the supreme ladies’ man, par excellence. Your military-like readiness reminds him that he really isn’t that special – just lucky.
The hypocrisy with all this is mind blowing – I totally understand that. And the fact that he is unable to see beyond that hypocrisy makes it even worse. But that doesn’t make his perception any less your reality at that moment or long after he’s left and told all his friends about you. And the sad fact is this, I’m not sure any of it is going to change because no matter how far feminism advances equality among the sexes be it jobs, politics, or the bedroom, when it comes to the condoms - it’s still a man’s world.
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