The Tooth Fairy, ya cheap ho bag.

                             

Growing up, the loss of a tooth meant waking up the next morning to a dollar (as in one) in the place of where my detached body part lay the night before- no fanfare, no parades, no nothing. When Jasmine lost her first tooth, a few years ago, it was on my weekend and because I have a penis, I was not aware of the evident changes nor was I versed in the latest technology of the Tooth Fairy industry - I had no fairy dust. No one mentioned that in addition to dinero, today’s Tooth Fairy traffics in LSD so her toothless groupies will have conclusive evidence that she’s been there. For this brainchild, somebody’s got a punch to the uterus coming.

Lacking any tangible creativity, I decided that this Tooth Fairy would leave a note of thanks and encouragement instead of sprinkley glittery goodness. So at the 11th hour, I came up with this and put it on top of the water glass where the fairy dust was supposed to have been.

Miss Jasmine,

I am so excited that you have lost your tooth and I have left a special gift for you under your pillow! You did super in the First Grade and I know you are very good at reading and math. I wrote you this note instead of leaving fairy dust, just so I could to tell you what a special girl I think you are. Thank you for the yummy water!

The Tooth Fairy

Don’t forget to brush your teeth every day!

Yummy water?!?!? How gay, obviously my tampon was up too far that day.

So when Jasmine broke her dental hymen this weekend she expected nothing less than poetic brilliance from the Dental Wonder Woman. But for my 7-year old, unfortunately we’ve been in a recession for a while and, well, everyone’s apparently been affected.

I felt sorry for the little princess, when she woke up the next morning to this note:

Wat up dog!

I know dis is like yo first tooth and all, but dis sister just ain’t got nothin fa ya no mo. Da fairy dust dealer done cut me off and I had to hock tha magic wand to buy baby formula. Damn Cupid done got me knocked up and all, and now he say he back with his other baby momma. And if I don’t come up with some money quick dey gonna repo my fairy wings! So, I know this ain’t de way its ‘possed to be but I’m gonna grab dis enamel you got here cause Leroy down at the pawn shop be paying top dolla right now and I finna take a little hit off this piggy bank, cause momma gotta pay dim bills. I’m good for it, yo! You just keep losing dim teeth and I’ll settle up wit you next go round.

Peace, stay in school, don’t do drugs, whatever…

Tooth Fairy

Oh and how bout a little Cristal up in here next time, wurd?

I think I’ll take her out for ice-cream.