My parents bought our first microwave oven when I was in junior high school in the mid-70’s. The size of a compact car, this contraption took up one side of our kitchen counter tops. I believe my mom and dad debated for months on whether they would buy it, in those days a microwave was not cheap like they are today, but I think what closed the deal was one predominate factor – my mom wanted to cook bacon in it.
Along with the microwave they bought a special microwave-safe grease catching bacon cooker. Simply, it was a dish that allowed her to cook the bacon while the grease drained into a lower tray. In about two minutes per slice we had perfectly crisp deliciousness with 98% of the normal artery clogging cholesterol. My mother was ecstatic!
Our family would never be the same again. This one kitchen utensil became the epitome of effortless carefree living and from that moment on any item we bought was not only judged for its value but more importantly how much easier it would make our lives.
I have a fascination with human nature; in other words understanding the why behind what we, as humans, do. Why do we make the choices we make, what motivates one person towards this direction while another goes in the opposite? And my preoccupation with this how, what, and why lies particularly in the area of romantic relationships. Why do some relationships succeed while so many others fail, is marriage circling the drain, and why do people cheat? I’m told I should have been a Psychologist, yet there’s the whole schooling thing and I can think of many things I’d rather do with eight years of my life.
So my alternative – write a blog.
On a recent episode of He Said She Said, the host mentioned how many of her divorced clients bemoan that ‘relationships are so hard now!?!’ It’s a question I find intriguing. We live at a time where more is known about the dynamics of human relationships than any other, we have more research, more experts, and more knowledge about how people interact with each other and especially in romantic relationships and marriage. Every year thousands of books are written promising to improve our love lives, yet for all of this wisdom it seems we’re still no better at making romantic relationships last. Sure we can get into them but we can’t find a way to stay there. A man can go to the moon but he can’t seem to stay happily married.
We may be able to put a man on the moon but can’t seem to keep him and his wife happily married.
When we consider the question ‘why are relationships so hard today?’ The first thing I wonder, is that even the right question to ask? I’m not so sure it is. Here’s what I mean, earlier this year I took a graduate level Quantitative Reasoning class. The name alone makes me fall into the fetal position. From the moment I saw the professor’s agenda I absolutely freaked. While I like numbers, I don’t like them that much and I was worried sick at how hard the class was going to be. But seeing as I had no choice if I ever hoped to graduate, I manned up and braced myself for what was to come. Because I knew the class was going to be difficult, I prepared harder, asked more questions, and spent more time studying for the final. I took nothing for granted. And when it was all over and the grades were released not only did I do well I aced the class.
Was I better at math than I thought? Did I suddenly get smarter? Or was it the fact that I worked harder, because of that expectation that the class would be difficult? Would I have fared the same if I had asked the question ‘why is Quantitative Reasoning so hard now?!?’
Here’s where I’m going with this. On a daily basis we are bombarded with products and services that promise will make our lives easy. We have phones apps for every conceivable life situation, dry cleaners will deliver laundry to your front door, and computers allow us to live ordinary lives without ever leaving our homes. Everything is designed for and catered to meet our ever-growing demand for ease and comfort. And much like my family and that microwave we have grown use to it. So much so, I’ve convinced that not only do we judge the value of things by their perceived ease and convenience; I think we now do the same with those around us.
Almost subconsciously, we’ve come to believe, even require, that our relationships be just as effortless as our phone app or my mother’s microwave. How do I know this? The question itself provides the answer. By asking ‘Why are relationships so hard?!?’ it supposes that relationships should, at some level, be easy. If I were to ask you ‘why did it rain today?’ aren’t I assuming or at the least hoping that it shouldn’t have rained? I believe it’s an important point that must be considered. Because here’s the real heart of the matter, if I have the mistaken belief that a good relationship should be somehow easy, don’t I feel a bit more justified in walking away when it starts getting difficult?
The Queen and I have an amazing relationship, better than anything I have ever had. Yet when people ask why it’s so good they are usually stumped by the answer. Our relationship isn’t awesome because the stars aligned putting together two people who are perfect for each other; instead we have a great relationship because we constantly work at it. We don’t expect our relationship to be easy and because of that must work, prepare, and plan more. When other couples have delusions that their relationship should be at a level where hard work is no longer necessary, we’re still doing many of the things that has gotten us where we are today.
And we also realize that just because we must work hard it doesn’t imply the relationship is falling over the cliff. We don’t buy into the popular notion that the moment a relationship becomes hard it must be over. We can’t feel that way because there’s little chance that two divorced parents with one child will have it all magically fall into place. We not only recognize it’s hard now, we fully anticipate it to be just as hard, if not more so, later, forcing us to keep at it.
But that shouldn’t be viewed as a pessimistic outlook on things. The truth of the matter is this, as soon as we expect our relationship to be easy that will be the very same moment we stop putting forth the extra effort. And should that ever happen the Queen and I will find ourselves standing amid the ruin, like so many others, of what once upon a time had been something great.
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