Saturday, February 23, 2013
Women are like apples on trees
Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top. Men don`t want to reach for them because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who`s brave enou...gh to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality
The days of Ward Cleaver are long over
No longer are dads sitting on the sidelines in this game of parenting, but instead, are rolling up their sleeves and digging right in along side the mothers. The days of Ward Cleaver are long over and fathers are doing the very duties that once seemed reserved only for women.
The internet has given voice to a generation of men who are sharing their fatherhood journey with the world. Bloggers, writers, thinkers are all taking to their stories to the public. These men are not only in the trenches they are also sharing their lessons learned with the rest of us. They are sharing their highs and lows, challenges and fears, and hopes and dreams for their children and themselves.
Over the course of the last two years I have had the fortunate opportunity to come into contact with many of these men through their writings and stories. Men who are thinking deeper and writing intelligently about what it means to be a man and father in the twenty first century. Through their own experiences, trials and tribulations they are gaining a storehouse of wisdom from which the rest of the world can and should draw from.
The internet has given voice to a generation of men who are sharing their fatherhood journey with the world. Bloggers, writers, thinkers are all taking to their stories to the public. These men are not only in the trenches they are also sharing their lessons learned with the rest of us. They are sharing their highs and lows, challenges and fears, and hopes and dreams for their children and themselves.
Over the course of the last two years I have had the fortunate opportunity to come into contact with many of these men through their writings and stories. Men who are thinking deeper and writing intelligently about what it means to be a man and father in the twenty first century. Through their own experiences, trials and tribulations they are gaining a storehouse of wisdom from which the rest of the world can and should draw from.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Two words that will destroy any relationship
I remain slightly cynical of couple’s counseling. Which is surprising when you consider half my marriage was spent soaking in its waters; but for the life of me I can’t think of a single nugget of wisdom derived from all those hours on the couch. I’m not entirely hostile to this form of therapy, I’m sure many marriages have been saved through its intervention, I just don’t know of one. And I believe the primary reason for this is by the time most couples get around to seeking help the damage has already been irreversibly done.
Like the overwhelming majority of men, when my ex first suggested we get our own help, I nixed the thought of another sniffing our dirty laundry. I was a management major and had completed our company’s management training program, ergo I was rigorously prepared to fix any problem and especially that of a trifling marital concern. I certainly didn’t need a ‘professional’, for a fee mind you, doing so on our behalf.
"We availed ourselves of the two words that when blended produce the elixir of death for virtually any relationship."
I think you can accurately predict the outcome of any therapy session by the mood with which the patient arrives to the appointment. Like a child kicking and screaming on the first day of kindergarten, I had convinced myself this was going to be the longest hour of my life and a ghastly impediment to the enjoyment of my future Sunday afternoons. Considering the final outcome it’s hard to argue with my prophecy.
Of my several gripes the biggest has to do with the competitiveness innate in couple’s therapy. Yet this isn’t altogether surprising, after all two people who often would rather murder each other are in many ways attempting to demonstrate their marital righteousness like two attorney’s standing in front of a judge and jury hoping verdict is rendered in their favor. If she can get the therapist rallying to her cause she can finally prove that he is a jerk for leaving the toilet seat up and as such is guilty for their marriage falling apart.
I experienced this firsthand at our initial session. As she and I took turns presenting our laundry list of reasons why the marriage sucked and putting all the blame at the feet of each other we soon realized that if one was going to gain an upper hand drastic measures must be taken. In so doing, we availed ourselves of the two words that when blended produce the elixir of death for virtually any relationship.
Most of us blindly underestimate the power of our words. Words can miraculously uplift or they can utterly destroy and like Pandora’s box are impossible to return once set free. A relationship begins with mere words, ‘hi’, ‘would you like to go out for coffee?’, and they end in much the same way ‘I never want to see you again, ‘Why did I marry you?’.
Relationships will live – and they will die – by what we say.
After I met the Queen and knew we had the potential for something special, I made a solemn promise to myself that was unlike anything I had ever pledged in relationships before. It was a vow I knew if broken would signal the death knell for our future, though less earth shattering than other pledges it proved to be all the more honorable. I made the decision early on to avoid using those two words I had employed so many Sunday afternoons on that couch. Two words I knew from experience were like match and kindling capable of setting ablaze any relationship. By themselves they are inconsequential, but when said in conjunction they resonate with deathly venom and a deep seeded maliciousness.
You never…
The first - you – is designed to separate, single out, and take aim. In the context of a relationship, the word takes the notion of unity and togetherness and tosses it on its head. Used to indict, the word demands walls be erected, defenses be readied, and sides be taken; it draws a line and digs a wide chasm between the couple.
The second word – never – is absolute and biased and says scores are being taken and wrongdoings are always tallied. It sends the message that grace isn’t free and forgiveness isn’t cheap. Use of the word suddenly makes the relationship conditional placing on it qualifiers where before there were none.
When used in tandem with any form of relationship faux pas such as, “you never talk to me”, “you never want sex”, “you never satisfy my needs”, the words serve to draw comparisons while showing insensitivity, selfishness, and a reluctance to see the others point of view. Everything a relationship needs to fail.
There were countless Sunday’s in that therapist’s office where she and I attempted to justify our sentiment by condemning the other for what we perceived as each’s greatest shortcomings. But in the end such brazen criticism only proved to further alienate one another and drive us farther away from any desire to make things work. It’s through those experiences that I can now tell the path a relationship is likely on by how they find fault with each other. When the condemnation only centers on the extremes, it’s a strong signal that person is or has closed himself off to even a possibility for the other to change. If all I can concentrate on is what the Queen doesn’t, how can I ever begin to appreciate what she does?
By eliminating those two words from our relationship vocabulary, we are left no choice but to reconsider our initial approach and tackle the issue at hand from a far more inclusive point of reference. By eliminating you we acknowledge some amount of responsibility and getting rid of never erases any perceived prejudice.
After all these years, I’m convinced it’s one of the simplest yet most effective ways to improve communication between couples. When our words are spoken from a place of peace and surrender instead of attack and counter attack we quickly discover we are listened to more intently and understood more respectfully. And as far as I’m concerned those are never bad things.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Everyone is different
"We could all learn from crayons: Some are sharp, some have weird names, they are all different colors, but they all have to learn to live in the same box."
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Feminism, safe sex, and the male ego
In all of God’s creation there is nothing more delicate than the human male ego. With the fortitude of a snowflake, a mere touch of criticism or breeze of rejection and his entire emotional foundation melts into a puddle under his feet.
This insight isn’t novel; women have known and used that detail to their advantage for centuries. Cleopatra played Julius Caesar and Marc Antony like a Vegas stripper does balding middle-aged plumbing supply salesmen from Omaha – with her own place in history to prove it. Yet despite this age-old wisdom I’m surprised at how often women are tripped up by men’s behavior when many of their peculiarities are a direct result of that simple truth.
Regrettably, there are few female bloggers I follow regularly, but those I do I do for good reason. One of my favorites – Marrie from Dirty In Public – published a post recently that sparked my consideration. In summary the anxiety she sets forth is an lament for why single women are branded with a veritable scarlet letter for carrying their own condoms?
“A chick carrying a condom is thought to be “notorious.” Unbelievable that in 2013, a woman choosing to take control of her health can be considered a bad slut”.
It’s a question that deserves our attention. We’ve long moved beyond the worn out excuse made infamous by deadbeat fathers everywhere in their attempts to avoid safe sex - “I forgot them”. And seeing as over 30% of children today are born to single mothers, any notion that men bear ultimate responsibility for providing these necessary accouterments should clearly be reconsidered. So this implies the question, if men are too irresponsible or simply refuse to hold fast to their end of the sexual bargain what is a single woman to do? Well, in the final analysis she’s left with two choices, don the latest style chastity belt or become a resident prophylactic pundit.
There is this rather insidious perception among women that men are born with an aversion to commitment in general and marriage in particular. This, in part, is driven by two things; an increasingly cliché dependent Hollywood who can’t seem to move beyond the movie rut of guy finds girl – guy loses girl (for said evasiveness) – guy spends the rest of the movie winning girl back (by trying to prove he can commit). And the other reason is how bitter mothers, whose Disneyland dreams never fully materialized, have used their daughters as a provisional therapist and in so doing jaded the poor girl’s perceptions of men virtually beyond repair.
I can say emphatically that this belief could not be farther from the truth. When a boy finally sees girls as the preferable option to running over frogs with his bicycle he doesn’t imagine his future as an emotionally unavailable man priding himself on remaining ‘untied’ and choosing one dalliance after the next in a state of perpetual wretchedness. Much like the new object of the boy’s attention, he too has visions of white picket fences, SUV’s, mortgage payments, kids, and a life with the young girl who will one day blossom into his beautiful loving bride.
Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
And amid all these rainbows and butterflies it’s the girl who stands at the foreground. She is the cement that holds the rest of his dreams together; the woman who will contain all of the qualities he imagines – no matter how romantic and unrealistic they may be. And among his candy cane wishes for the perfect wife and mother to his children is one trait that he intrinsically understands but can’t quite explain – her sexual innocence – that he is her only one.
No boy dreams of marrying the girl who once did the entire secondary of the varsity football team.
It was with this in mind that I commented on Marrie’s article,
“Yes, this is 2013 and yes sex between strangers is as spontaneous as a kegger in a fraternity house. But for all the modernity of our society, men intrinsically still want to believe that he is her only one, even while he knows it may likely be a one night stand. His appall at a woman bringing out the condom has nothing to do with a belief that she is notorious and everything to do with his insecurity. Her initiative is a reminder that he isn’t her first and will likely not be her last and that’s a crush to the most fragile thing God created – his ego.”
Feminism brought with it a greater awareness to women’s sexuality. No longer was sex viewed as merely a one-player sport, instead it allowed women to take charge of their own sexual nature and gave them the freedom to explore it without fear of having letters embroidered on their blouse. Casual sex finally became an all-skate.
And while feminism has advanced the cause of promiscuity among women old habits are still hard to break. Because while the cute guy you met at the club happily appreciates that you’ve enthusiastically embraced this new sexual equality while driving you back to his place he is nonetheless shocked, confused, and dismayed at how you are so thoroughly prepared for the after party.
And I think the reason for this goes back to men’s egos and their childhood dreams. What you see as responsibility – taking control of your own sexuality and sexual health by having said condom at the ready – he sees as calculated professionalism. Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
You just impaled his self-image with your 6-inch pumps. Why? Because getting you home is far more about the conquest of you than it is having sex with you. It’s a far greater confidence boost to talk the church volunteer into bed who ‘normally doesn’t do this kind of thing’ than it is the woman who seems to make it a weekly habit. Your preparedness crushes all notions that he may have been your only one. Not to mention it squashes every delusion of grandeur he had of being the supreme ladies’ man, par excellence. Your military-like readiness reminds him that he really isn’t that special – just lucky.
The hypocrisy with all this is mind blowing – I totally understand that. And the fact that he is unable to see beyond that hypocrisy makes it even worse. But that doesn’t make his perception any less your reality at that moment or long after he’s left and told all his friends about you. And the sad fact is this, I’m not sure any of it is going to change because no matter how far feminism advances equality among the sexes be it jobs, politics, or the bedroom, when it comes to the condoms - it’s still a man’s world.
This insight isn’t novel; women have known and used that detail to their advantage for centuries. Cleopatra played Julius Caesar and Marc Antony like a Vegas stripper does balding middle-aged plumbing supply salesmen from Omaha – with her own place in history to prove it. Yet despite this age-old wisdom I’m surprised at how often women are tripped up by men’s behavior when many of their peculiarities are a direct result of that simple truth.
Regrettably, there are few female bloggers I follow regularly, but those I do I do for good reason. One of my favorites – Marrie from Dirty In Public – published a post recently that sparked my consideration. In summary the anxiety she sets forth is an lament for why single women are branded with a veritable scarlet letter for carrying their own condoms?
“A chick carrying a condom is thought to be “notorious.” Unbelievable that in 2013, a woman choosing to take control of her health can be considered a bad slut”.
It’s a question that deserves our attention. We’ve long moved beyond the worn out excuse made infamous by deadbeat fathers everywhere in their attempts to avoid safe sex - “I forgot them”. And seeing as over 30% of children today are born to single mothers, any notion that men bear ultimate responsibility for providing these necessary accouterments should clearly be reconsidered. So this implies the question, if men are too irresponsible or simply refuse to hold fast to their end of the sexual bargain what is a single woman to do? Well, in the final analysis she’s left with two choices, don the latest style chastity belt or become a resident prophylactic pundit.
There is this rather insidious perception among women that men are born with an aversion to commitment in general and marriage in particular. This, in part, is driven by two things; an increasingly cliché dependent Hollywood who can’t seem to move beyond the movie rut of guy finds girl – guy loses girl (for said evasiveness) – guy spends the rest of the movie winning girl back (by trying to prove he can commit). And the other reason is how bitter mothers, whose Disneyland dreams never fully materialized, have used their daughters as a provisional therapist and in so doing jaded the poor girl’s perceptions of men virtually beyond repair.
I can say emphatically that this belief could not be farther from the truth. When a boy finally sees girls as the preferable option to running over frogs with his bicycle he doesn’t imagine his future as an emotionally unavailable man priding himself on remaining ‘untied’ and choosing one dalliance after the next in a state of perpetual wretchedness. Much like the new object of the boy’s attention, he too has visions of white picket fences, SUV’s, mortgage payments, kids, and a life with the young girl who will one day blossom into his beautiful loving bride.
Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
And amid all these rainbows and butterflies it’s the girl who stands at the foreground. She is the cement that holds the rest of his dreams together; the woman who will contain all of the qualities he imagines – no matter how romantic and unrealistic they may be. And among his candy cane wishes for the perfect wife and mother to his children is one trait that he intrinsically understands but can’t quite explain – her sexual innocence – that he is her only one.
No boy dreams of marrying the girl who once did the entire secondary of the varsity football team.
It was with this in mind that I commented on Marrie’s article,
“Yes, this is 2013 and yes sex between strangers is as spontaneous as a kegger in a fraternity house. But for all the modernity of our society, men intrinsically still want to believe that he is her only one, even while he knows it may likely be a one night stand. His appall at a woman bringing out the condom has nothing to do with a belief that she is notorious and everything to do with his insecurity. Her initiative is a reminder that he isn’t her first and will likely not be her last and that’s a crush to the most fragile thing God created – his ego.”
Feminism brought with it a greater awareness to women’s sexuality. No longer was sex viewed as merely a one-player sport, instead it allowed women to take charge of their own sexual nature and gave them the freedom to explore it without fear of having letters embroidered on their blouse. Casual sex finally became an all-skate.
And while feminism has advanced the cause of promiscuity among women old habits are still hard to break. Because while the cute guy you met at the club happily appreciates that you’ve enthusiastically embraced this new sexual equality while driving you back to his place he is nonetheless shocked, confused, and dismayed at how you are so thoroughly prepared for the after party.
And I think the reason for this goes back to men’s egos and their childhood dreams. What you see as responsibility – taking control of your own sexuality and sexual health by having said condom at the ready – he sees as calculated professionalism. Bringing out the Trojan just told him that you’re a skilled cowgirl who knows what she’s doing and this clearly isn’t your first rodeo and unlikely will be your last.
You just impaled his self-image with your 6-inch pumps. Why? Because getting you home is far more about the conquest of you than it is having sex with you. It’s a far greater confidence boost to talk the church volunteer into bed who ‘normally doesn’t do this kind of thing’ than it is the woman who seems to make it a weekly habit. Your preparedness crushes all notions that he may have been your only one. Not to mention it squashes every delusion of grandeur he had of being the supreme ladies’ man, par excellence. Your military-like readiness reminds him that he really isn’t that special – just lucky.
The hypocrisy with all this is mind blowing – I totally understand that. And the fact that he is unable to see beyond that hypocrisy makes it even worse. But that doesn’t make his perception any less your reality at that moment or long after he’s left and told all his friends about you. And the sad fact is this, I’m not sure any of it is going to change because no matter how far feminism advances equality among the sexes be it jobs, politics, or the bedroom, when it comes to the condoms - it’s still a man’s world.
Parenting like nobody is watching
As a boy I was mesmerized by what could be done with a handful of dominoes. Not for their original purpose, I still have no clue how the real game is played. My fascination instead came in the way magicians and other conjurers using hundreds or thousands of them could create complex geometric shapes full of colors and strange patterns.
I was no more than ten years old when a PBS station documentary featured a long forgotten illusionist as he constructed a masterpiece with over ten thousands dominoes set to resemble the Statue of Liberty. The program reported the painstaking detail and effort that went into his preparation aligning one domino strategically beside the next, piece by piece, line by line, hour by hour remaining ever conscious of how one misstep could erase his hours of work in a matter of seconds or how one misplaced domino could bring the finale to an immediate halt.
My favorite part was right before the artist turned his imagination into reality. With the pieces laid out, the anticipation ran high as his gentle nudge set into motion an arranged spectacle of clicks that brought his design to life.
This trivial event has remained in my conscious for its symbolism. Propelled forward by the one adjacent to it those dominoes have come to represent the potential behind a single human act.
Not long ago I read an article from a woman defending her open marriage and touting its benefits. Her distorted interpretation of marital fidelity didn’t shock me near as much as her declaration of being a mother of two pre-school aged children. As I read her arguments for how open marriages were far superior alternatives to conventional matrimony, I couldn’t help but wonder how she juxtaposed her stance on commitment with the understanding of her responsibilities as a parent.
Of all the duties fatherhood demands of me, I feel the most important is preparing my children for adulthood. Loving them is paramount, protecting them is natural, but modeling the behaviors that will serve them throughout life and help to shape their futures is my overarching mission. And as my children have become older I’ve began to realize one important principle towards achieving this goal – what I say isn’t nearly as important as what I do. Because they are children doesn’t negate the fact that, like all of us, they pay more attention to my actions. Talk is cheap is a lesson learned at an early age.
Yet one of the greatest delusions I now witness among parents is the belief, in fact the conviction, that kids don’t pay attention and it would’t matter if they did because parents aren’t accountable to their kids for their actions.
That was all I could think about as I read how this mother and wife gladly walked her husband to the door for his date night with another woman while she stayed home to take care of their children. I couldn’t help but wonder how she rationalized this against her motherly instincts and how would she eventually explain to their children why mommy and daddy don’t come home some nights. While an extreme example it is no less representative of many parents albeit on a less questionable yet just as damaging moral scale whether that be alcohol abuse, drug use, infidelity, pornography, or any other on the laundry list of behaviors most parents would immediately condemn their children for participating in at any age.
The justification I most often observe when it comes to these questionable behaviors and their role as a parent is the argument that “I’m an adult and they are children and I have gained the right to do things they can’t”. And though this may sound logical on the surface it altogether discounts real life and frankly assumes children in general are morons.
My daughter is eight and already she has the insight to call me out when she observes me acting the hypocrite – she’s eight! At ten I’ve noticed behaviors in my older daughter similar to mine yet we’ve never talked about them. This has forced me to concede what so many parents before me already understand – our kids are watching us and they’re also taking notes. It’s because of this I must constantly remind myself, like those dominoes, that my actions can and do have consequences on my children.
One of the primary motivators that led me to finally break my pornography addiction was my son. Having struggled with the shame and guilt, I never wanted him to experience that same humiliation. But the more I thought on it, as his father, how I could I lead him down a better path if I was still on the one I was trying to keep him away from? How could I be the father he needed while I being crushed by my own deceit? How would he ever hear me over the sound of my own hypocrisy?
I’m thoroughly convinced that parents will be held accountable for their actions if not with their children’s words it will be with their children’s deeds. The parent who abuses alcohol shouldn’t be surprised when their child does the same; the mother whose most pressing concern is looking younger shouldn’t be shocked when her teenage daughter suddenly equates her own self worth to how she looks. When we parent like no one is watching we invariably leave it up to our children to discern the difference. We fail to recognize that if our children see mom and dad doing what we tell them they should because we are ‘mature’ they will still assume it must be all right for them too. When we parent in such a way we leave it up to our children to determine right from wrong allowing them to set the direction on their own morality GPS.
From all this experience and observation I’ve discovered that the more transparent I can be with my children – in word and deed – the better parent I will ultimately be because I’m able to father without feelings of guilt at keeping secrets or hiding behind the shame of hypocrisy. I must remember the domino because the fact remains any one of my actions might be the very one that propels my children’s lives forward in a direction I never intended.
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