1. It’s only “the happiest place on earth” if you don’t go with a six-year-old girl who wants to spend all day in Toontown. If you do, it’s “the place on earth where you really want to go home.”
2. Neck tattoos are no longer the exclusive property of jailbirds and miscreants. They’re also for the people in the next teacup over.
3. Paying $8.15 for a cheeseburger does not necessarily mean the cheeseburger will taste good or have a consistency resembling meat, be it ground or prepared otherwise. For all you know, you may have just ordered one of the old, soiled Chip or Dale costumes that was “repurposed” in the cafeteria.
4. No matter how many times or in how many different languages your daughter is told to keep her hands and arms inside the ride, she will inevitably stick her hand into the water. And if she’s in my gene pool, she may also lick the water off of her hands.
5. If you watch closely during the parade, you can tell which “cast members” are carnally and/or romantically involved. “Daddy, why is Winnie The Pooh hugging Belle like that? Why is he putting his knee up by her hip?” “They’re dry-humping, sweetheart. Pooh wants to get at Belle’s honey pot.” “Oh.”
6. During that parade, the floats shoot out a shit-ton on confetti shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. After the floats pass, Disneyphiles and fringe weirdos will actually bend down and collect handfuls of the confetti in a Ziplock bag like its dirt from the infield of Yankee Stadium or little beads that have fallen from the hem of the Pope’s garment. But its not. Its trampled, wet paper in the shape of a cartoon character’s melon. And its OK to accidentally kick those people as you pass them.
7. You can’t get cell service inside Its A Small World, so don’t bother trying to check the football scores. Just sit there, listen to the world’s children sing the same song over and over and over again and try to hush your homicidal ideation.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean smells like feet.
No comments:
Post a Comment