Sunday, October 31, 2010

Things I Learned At Disneyland

1. It’s only “the happiest place on earth” if you don’t go with a six-year-old girl who wants to spend all day in Toontown. If you do, it’s “the place on earth where you really want to go home.”
2. Neck tattoos are no longer the exclusive property of jailbirds and miscreants. They’re also for the people in the next teacup over.
3. Paying $8.15 for a cheeseburger does not necessarily mean the cheeseburger will taste good or have a consistency resembling meat, be it ground or prepared otherwise. For all you know, you may have just ordered one of the old, soiled Chip or Dale costumes that was “repurposed” in the cafeteria.  
4. No matter how many times or in how many different languages your daughter is told to keep her hands and arms inside the ride, she will inevitably stick her hand into the water. And if she’s in my gene pool, she may also lick the water off of her hands.
5. If you watch closely during the parade, you can tell which “cast members” are carnally and/or romantically involved. “Daddy, why is Winnie The Pooh hugging Belle like that? Why is he putting his knee up by her hip?” “They’re dry-humping, sweetheart. Pooh wants to get at Belle’s honey pot.” “Oh.”
6. During that parade, the floats shoot out a shit-ton on confetti shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. After the floats pass, Disneyphiles and fringe weirdos will actually bend down and collect handfuls of the confetti in a Ziplock bag like its dirt from the infield of Yankee Stadium or little beads that have fallen from the hem of the Pope’s garment. But its not. Its trampled, wet paper in the shape of a cartoon character’s melon. And its OK to accidentally kick those people as you pass them.
7. You can’t get cell service inside Its A Small World, so don’t bother trying to check the football scores. Just sit there, listen to the world’s children sing the same song over and over and over again and try to hush your homicidal ideation. 
8. Pirates of the Caribbean smells like feet.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Where do babies come from?

Where do babies come from? Don't bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories. Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called 'making love'. Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said 'sex is good'. All available evidence, however, points to the contrary.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Becoming Responsible

Becoming responsible adults is no longer a matter of whether children hang up there pajamas or put dirty towels in the hamper, but whether they care about themselves and others -- and whether they see everyday chores as related to how we treat this planet.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Love Yourself

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

Monday, October 25, 2010

People You Need

The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs, so stop making people a priority when they make you an option!!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Letter To My Daughter

Hello Pumpkin,
I wanted to say hi and tell you how much I love you and that I hope your classes are going well and that you are having fun too.
But I also have to have a daddy moment- bear with me here. I won’t take long, and I won’t be saying anything I haven’t already said in one form or another, but it is important.
You may or may not have heard about the NJ college student who killed himself last week because his room-mate had posted videotape of him having sex with another guy. A terrible, senseless tragedy.
My daddy job requires that I remind you of two essential things:
One: Nothing ruins your life forever. NOTHING.
Two: Nothing ruins your life forever. NOTHING.
If that young man had only waited a couple of weeks nobody would have cared- he’d have gotten past it. People have short memories- life would have gotten better, much better. His parents and friends? They loved him prior to the tape- they would have loved him afterward too. A few awkward moments and then life goes on.
But when you are young you don’t know that even the awkward moments are fleeting. On this, you just have to trust the old people. Remember when you were really small and cried and cried over something? Well, it didn’t last. That’s kind of what it’s like- awful things happen, you feel like there’s a rock in the pit of your stomach, somehow time goes by and it gets better. I promise you, it ALWAYS gets better.
The students, a girl and boy, who were involved in the taping and posting– they are being charged with bias crime, invasion of privacy and possibly other things. Their college life is over. They will have to live with this death the rest of their lives– and their families are devastated. What they did was so wrong- but also so kid-stupid. Not to mention mean. And so their lives will be different forever- but even so- their families will love them and they will have time enough to hopefully live in such a way as to make meaning from their mistake.
So, my beautiful girl, never, ever think something is unfixable. NOTHING you do will ever keep me from loving you. NOTHING you do could be so awful you can’t get past it.
And if someone is mean to you, and it isn’t something you can ignore– seek out people to talk to about it. Surround yourself with people who are supportive. If you ever need help and don’t know how to ask- try writing a letter instead. And right now- before you might need such help- think about who you would talk to if needed. In the midst of turmoil sometimes we don’t always think as clearly- having a plan makes it easier to find help in crisis. And remember there are always alternatives. Always.
Finally, don’t be mean. Don’t let other people be mean.
Stand up for the underdog, protect those who aren’t as smart or confident or easygoing as yourself.
Treat people’s feelings like fragile little puppies- if you play with them- be gentle.
I love you so much and I know you really don’t need me to tell you this stuff…. but it’s my job.
Love and hugs,

Some Scary Statictics

Kids And The Internet
I like to think of myself as a pretty savvy dad when it comes to technology. I like to think that my daughter doesn't pull too much wool over my eyes. I try to be as much of a friend as being a parent will allow and so far I think it has worked out. No suspensions from school. No calls to the principal’s office, or worse yet the police department. No tattoos or piercings. Not even a freaky blue Mohawk. But do I really know all about her online social networking? Yes I am a “friend” on her Facebook page, and I visit her MySpace page periodically at random.
But today I read this article and I began to wonder. Here are some sobering stats. You think they’re checking Facebook once a day. The reality? Many are checking it 10 or more times a day.
  • You think they’d never hack into someone else’s online accounts. But a quarter of them have.
  • You think they’d never pretend to be an adult and talk to strangers online. Nearly one in five has.
Kind of frightening to me. What about you? How do you police your kids to ensure they are safe online? Am I doing enough? Do I need to do more? Let’s talk about it!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dancing with Daddy

Here is an awesome way to bond with your daughter. Dance with her. Don't wait until her wedding day and your future son in law cuts in after you dance with her to the song,"Daddy's Little Girl". Take the chance to dance with her every time you can. Now don't get me wrong, you will never see me compete on Dancing with the Stars. I'm no Fred Astaire, Breana is still young enough that she will not be embarrassed by dancing with a dad who obviously doesn't have a clue about what he's doing. I can't even sing and clap at the same time. I can either sing (not well), or I can clap, but not both. I don't have rhythm, but I've got a little girl! Who could ask for anything more?
We had an especially good time dancing to Salsa music. We jumped, we twirled, we stamped our feet, and we dipped. It didn't matter that I looked ridiculous, I was enjoying my time with my daughter, We had so much fun. so if you and your daughter are a little more reserved, then dance with her in the privacy of your own home. If you don't know how to dance, let her teach you. You two will have a great time.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Crazy Man

I remembered once a very large man yelled at my daughter Breana when she was 10 in a Supermarket. I lost my mind and called the man every word I could think of.... at the top of my lungs. Then I almost fought the manager for telling me to stop yelling. If someone had hit her, one or both of us would have left in an ambulance.
I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls off a string.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Power

Each one of us has the power to make others feel better or worse. Making others feel better is much more fun than making others feel worse. Making others feel better generally makes us feel better."

Anger Issues

Some people say I have anger issues, I say if your going to say stupid comments and do stupid things to piss me off then I have every right to be angry.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Accept Me

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Judgemental

Why do people feel the need to judge something they know nothing about. Before you get in my business get your facts straight. TRY ASKING ME ABOUT IT!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Kitty Snot & Poison Control

I was talking with a friend the other day laughing about the foolish things we had done in terms of parenting. While I will not toss him under the bus, I will share one* of my favorites.
When my daughter was like 8 or 9 months, I was being a good boyfriend and cleaning the house. I was working on the glass screen/storm door and it was loaded up with kitty snot. You know kitty-snot, when the cats press their wet noses against the glass. Well, it was not going to well with the Windex and the rag, so I unscrewed the Windex to pour it on to the rag for some serious snot scrubbing. All was going well until I realized that as my back was turned, Breana had decided to take a swig of the Windex!
Panic set in and I called Poison Control (being the responsible parent that I was) and was relieved to know that it likely was not a big deal unless she drank the whole bottle.  They suggested giving her some drink to get the taste out of her mouth and just keep an eye on her.  She was fine and really there was no need to stress out my girlfriend (at the time) about this.
Later that night, after my shower, I come down the steps and from my girlfriend  I hear the seven words that you know will land you in trouble–”Do you have anything to tell me?”  I knew I was screwed and put on my best sheepish look and was informed that while I was in the shower, Poison Control was just doing a routine follow up on the reported “poisoning”.
Ugh.  So, anyone else out there feel like sharing your stupid dad  (or mom) move?
* Only sharing one. One that my ex knows about because she reads my blogs!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Love Stinks

Well, I may be a bit jaded and cynical myself, but when it hits my kid, I feel awful.
My daughter has her first “real” boyfriend and things are going well (apparently) and then out of the blue, two days after their second date–the dreaded text message (yes, you read that right) “I think we should see other people.”
I felt horrible for her. He was a great guy and they were good together. As a parent, I thought she hit the jackpot– he was polite, not into drinking or drugs, social, and more.
So, now we are going through the whole post breakup routine–do I call him… what should I say… how should I do this…
It is an inevitable part of growing up, but still very sad to see nonetheless!

Stupidity Invades My Home!

Apparently, the Swine Flu left California and left a good dose of stupidity in its place. But adults are safe; apparently it is only affecting teenagers.

Stupid Act #1 I asked my daughter to turn on the gas grill for dinner. She comes to me and says it will not start. I asked if she tried to use a match to light it. (This is something she had seen me do in the past and even did it himself a time or two.) She looks at me like I am from Mars and says, “how do you light it with a match?” Here’s your sign!

Stupid Act #2 I am sound asleep and my daughter's dog hops off my bed and heads to where my daughter is watching a movie late at night in the family room. Apparently Shadow (the dog, not my daughter) begins to get all excited near the front door, starts to whine and bark a little, and scratching on the front door. So, what does my daughter do? She brings the dog up to my room, wakes me up and says, “he’s going crazy like he wants to go out.” I asked what she did and she said, “nothing, he was irritating so I brought him up to you.”  Here’s your sign!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Are Kids Really All That Dumb?

Sometimes I wonder. My daughter is brilliant. She always studies and never falls off the honor roll. She has a great group of friends. She does not do drugs or drink. She is witty, funny and generally fun to be around.
But sometimes I just have to wonder where her brain goes. Take last night. She asked me to drive her to a friend’s house so they could work on a “lab” for Applied Nutrition. Applied Nutrition is somewhat like the old Home-Ec on steroids. The “lab” was to make a meal (they chose tacos) and analyze all the nutritional information about it and determine how it could be made healthier or more unhealthy.
I picked her up about 11pm and headed home. While I did not expect it, she came back with the ground beef and the cheese I had sent with her. When we got home, I told her to “make sure she put it all away in the kitchen”.
This morning, there it is rotting and stinking on the counter!  As she might say, WTF?
When I asked, she informed me that i only told her to make sure it was put “in the kitchen”. Perhaps I did. Call it semantics. But really, can she be that dumb?