Skiing with The 36-Year-Old-Virgin

She just smiled and asked, “When are you going to give it to me?”




I loaded the Drama Queen into the Sentra and headed to my friend’s house to get the keys to his cabin in Blue Jay, CA. It was December 30, 2004 and I was going to the mountains with D.Q., The 36-Year-Old-Virgin, my friend The Kings Fan, and his wife Hot Latin Mama, their son G.I. Joe along with Mama’s younger sister, Hermana. Hermana was up from Mexico for the holidays. We were all going skiing/snowboarding in Big Bear on New Years Eve and we stayed at the cabin for a couple of nights.
This place was a cabin in name only. It was bigger and nicer than my house in Redlands and sat on a golf course. My friends bought it in 1996, The cabin was 90 minutes away from home and 45 from the ski areas. For those that think there is no snow in Southern California, there is. Back in the day I would often surf in the morning and go night skiing. Life was pretty sweet.
After getting the keys I went down to The O.C. and picked up The Virgin. She had never skied before and in fact had never even been to the snow, which I guess made her a snow virgin as well. It was kind of funny seeing this Mexican cutie all bundled up in snow pants, a heavy coat, gloves and a beanie when it was 60 degrees out. I told her that we would be in the car and that we would pull right up to the door, in case she waned to throw on some jeans for the car ride up. “That’s OK Bolillo,” she said. “I want to enjoy the experience.” Whatever. (BTW…Bolillo is Spanish for “white bread”)
I threw her bag in the back and we headed out through The 909 (So. Cal’s. meth headquarters, named the 909 because the area code is 909). I pulled into Costco near the base of the mountain and tried not to snicker as the virgin trampled inside in her snow pants and winter boots when many of the other shoppers were in shorts and flip flops.
When the shopping was done we headed up the mountain and arrived shortly before our guests. There were three bedrooms—two with queen beds and one with twin beds plus a huge couch in the living room. I don’t remember the sleeping arrangements but I do remember that The Virgin and I had a room with a queen bed. Sweet.
Dinner that night was good and the girls fixed some authentic Mexican fare. The Virgin was Mexican and The Kings Fan was born in Mexico but raised in L.A. He had recently married Mama and she and G.I. Joe were full-blown Mexican and had only lived in the U.S. for a year or so. I do remember a lot of Corona being consumed that night. Some Patron too.
We got up early the next morning, made breakfast and some sandwiches for lunch and headed up to Bear Mountain Ski Area. We stopped to rent our equipment and Kings Fan laughed at me for renting skis. Everyone else was snowboarding but I reminded him that I was all the way Old School and that I had ripped up both knees and ankles playing soccer (with him as my goalie), so I wanted something that I could eject out of if and when I biffed it big.
We arrived and put the kids in a ski school/daycare thing and went off to have fun. I think that Mama, Hermana and The Virgin took lessons because King and I went off to have some fun. It had been a few years since I had skied but it came back quickly and soon we were heading down some pretty steep terrain. It was snowing a very icy snow that day and was really windy and I remember the snow stinging as it hit my face. Every time I started to get cold I whipped out my flask of Malibu (I guess I was going through a Malibu and Coke phase then). The more I drank, the better I felt. Soon enough my big flask was empty and I was pretty buzzed.
We finished skiing/boarding and headed back to the cabin. (Relax. I don’t drink and drive. I was sober by then.) We arrived and started preparing our big New Years Eve fiesta. I’m pretty rad in the kitchen and I usually cook for my friends, but tonight the chicas were preparing the food and we were all having fun drinking. The Virgin was drinking pretty steadily and the more she drank, the happier she got.
I remember King pulling me aside at one point and saying that I should “tap it tonight.” I wasn’t completely opposed to the idea (we had been dating a couple of months) and I went up to her, whispered in her ear and told her that I had a special surprise for her at midnight. She smiled and said she couldn’t “wait to get it”. This chick was so freakin naïve!
As midnight approached, King kept looking at me and giving me “the nod”. You know what I mean. The one that guys give each other as if to say, “that’s right. It’s all good.” At one point Mama came up to me and said that she was so happy for us. Apparently King had shared the secret. I had to let her know that it was actually not a done deal and that in fact The Virgin had no clue what I was planning. I also had to remind her that although I wasn’t completely fluent in Spanish, I knew enough to know if she tried to tip her off!
At about 11:50 PM The Virgin came up and asked what I had for her. I told her that it was a big surprise and that I was sure that she had never gotten this before. She just smiled and asked, “When are you going to give it to me?” I told her that I would give it to her shortly after midnight when we went to bed.
Midnight came and went and we got the cabin mostly cleaned up and everyone went to bed. She and I went into our room and closed the door. I started kissing her and she asked what I had for her. I (like a guy who had been drinking all day) told her that I thought her New Years resolution should be to experience new things in 2005 and she thought that sounded great. Please keep in mind that she too had been drinking all night. And that she was really naïve.
We continued kissing and as we did I told her that I thought that she should finally experience sex and she looked at me with puppy dog eyes and asked, “Bolillo. Don’t you care about my soul? I mean, what would God say if I had sex outside of marriage?” I told her that I didn’t know, but reminded her that a lot of Catholic school girls were sluts, so I figured that God would cut her some slack for waiting until she was 36. I also asked her how many Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers she thought the priest would give her for “doing it”.
I didn’t get laid that night but the next morning she acted as if the whole thing never happened. She bounced up the steps and into the kitchen with a cheery hello for everyone. Mama looked up at me and came over to hug me and said, “congratulations.” I told her that nothing happened and she gave me one of those “What you talking about Willis?” Looks. Neither Mama nor The Fan could believe that she still wasn’t giving it up. They were both a little disappointed in me and I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed in myself too.
The Virgin turned 37 a few weeks later and I won’t tell you whether or not she became The 37-Year-Old-Virgin. That is another story for another day.