Regardless… Wal-Mart is a strange place. While I understand it’s a “monopoly” of sorts I cannot ignore the fact that their oatmeal is twenty cents cheaper than Homeland’s, their canned mandarin oranges are ten cents cheaper than Target’s, their adult diapers are almost a dollar cheaper than Geriatric World’s and their fertility testing is almost a thousand bucks cheaper than the local hospital’s!
Although, low prices don’t always tend to attract financially saavy individuals hell bent on saving money for retirement… they also attract some of the weirdest damn freaks you've ever seen!
Case in point:
I myself fell victim to a Wal-Mart troll about a week ago… although it wasn’t so much what I saw than what I heard.
Allow me to explain…
Bre and I had just turned the corner of the bread aisle because we were looking for some tortillas to make chicken enchiladas for some friends that particular evening. A quick glance down the aisle revealed I was sharing it with one other man. He was an older gentleman carrying a food basket. He sported a very trailer-trashy ensemble with a long trench coat, flowing greasy hair and combat boots. This indeed really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Wal-Mart but as we closed in on crossing paths I noticed he was talking on the phone in very hushed tones. I’m not one to really try to listen in on other people’s conversations but as we passed I couldn’t help but catch what he was saying in very forceful tones:
“I’m sticking my tongue in your mouth and I’m swirling it all around all in your mouth. Oh. It feels so good…..”
Needless to say I was slightly taken aback… yet strangely intrigued by this multi-talented man who could apparently shop for bread while deeply engrossing himself in such an emotional phone call. I don’t stare at people EVER… but this just wasn’t any old people. This was perhaps one of the weirder things I hope to ever see at a Wal-Mart.
So, I positioned myself amongst the wheat breads in such a way where I could keep an eye on this guy and see if I could hear anything else he was saying.
I didn’t have to wait long.
As he continued strolling amongst the breads he stopped and began slapping his hands together right next to the receiver of his telephone while saying, “… And I’m spanking your ass so hard! Oh, and you like it! Oh yeah, c’mon baby!”
For as quickly as I was intrigued by this dude… I was just as quickly completely disgusted and felt a bit like vomiting on the english muffins.
I tucked tail and got out of that aisle as fast as I could lest I contract some airborne “freak-weirdo” virus and feel inclined to conduct a phone sex call in Wal-Mart or something.
While it could have been any number of scenarios, I believe he was more than likely a phone sex-operator on the phone with “a client”… or he was just a complete freak getting his rocks off on a phone-sex call! I’m not one to judge (okay maybe I am), but isn’t there a better place to conduct such a phone call than in the bread aisle at Wal-Mart?
I felt a little less queasy once I came home and took a shower to wash all the heebie-jeebies off.
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I wanna hear good stories from you all on some of the weirdness you’ve seen at Wal-Mart. C’mon… gimme somethin’ good!
I think the weirdest thing (or person) that I ever encountered in Wal-Mart was Jessie James's father (not the outlaw, the actor).. Mind you I live in the Antelope Valley, where weirdness at Wal-Mart is a daily event, this chance meeting in the check-out line was rare!! I happened to be chatting with my 97 year old grandmother about the headlines on the gossip magazines when a gentleman behind us butted into our conversation. This gentleman looked like your typical Antelope Valley tweeker, greasy hair and all and he wanted to tell my grandmother and me his story. He was Jessie James father and he was sick and tired of being pursued by the likes of the Enquirer. He told us that they stalked him on a daily basis and he was considering changing his name. Of coarse my grandmother was intrigued, however I knew that this man was delusional. He informed us that he was sure that reporters were waiting in the Mcdonalds to take photos when he excited. After Jessie's father payed for his Kool-aid and Ding-dongs he headed for the exit where he was stopped by security, apparently he had forgotten to pay for the items in his pocket..Being that Jessie James is quite wealthy, my grandmother was wondering why he didn't give his dad enough money to shop at Wal-Mart?? I then had to tell my sweet, naive grandmother that perhaps the gentleman was lying!! Our AV Wal-Mart is a hot spot for all the local nuts but Jessie James's so-called-dad was one of the more interesting characters that I have encountered there!! Perhaps the phone sex worker at your local Wal-Mart used to live in the Antelope Valley but if not, he might consider relocating as it sounds like the west side Lancaster Wal-Mart is right up his ally.
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