Thursday, August 30, 2012

Face it! We're all just a tank of gas away from government cheese.

Anyone else fed up with high gas for no apparent reason while Mr. Obama and friends won't even acknowledge it's a problem? Thanks for screwing us again.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Explicit Songiness

                                           
Just a quick question…why do main stream “pop” bands that cater to mainstream America feel the need to drop f-bombs, s-hits, etc. in their songs of late. One that really sticks out is the great Maroon 5′s Payphone (I’ve linked to the clean version without the rap). Why can’t this be the song?

This band is great. They come out with fun, catchy songs all the time. They are true pop icons in modern music. I don’t get the appeal of having all of the other garbage mixed in. And they aren’t the only ones either. Do they think they are cooler now? Do they think that they are rich and famous that it doesn’t matter? I mean, a song like this with a relatively hardcore rapper in it, dropping bombs left and right? Are you kidding me?

Granted, I am no longer cool. I’m a 48 year old conservative dad with a house in the burbs. Sure, I get that I’m not in the tween, teen, scheem kill zone for these people. But, do we have to lower our standards or create songs where more people seek out a diced up, stripped out version…to make it sound better? How is that a good thing.

And, by the way, what’s with Apple and their iTunes…the explicit rap laden version was listed in their top 10 songs, so when Carissa downloaded it, she was shocked. People don’t listen to this version…why is it top 10????

Am I being too much of a dud or a prude here? I just think that some things are best left unchanged, and not dragging our society and American culture even more in the toilet should be one of them.

I’m going to go change my Depends now…

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Who’s Afraid Of The Big, Bad Poop?


I know, I am a bit childish at times. I get it. I understand. I spend so much time with a 20 and 7 year old, it has to have an effect on you, no?

Maybe it’s just me?

At any rate, one of the more fun, childish things I do to try to entertain my girls a little bit involves making up my own silly songs. I do it all the time. I insert the kids name in random places at will. I also insert words like poop, fart, stinky, and burp whenever possible (believe you me, I make it possible). I get into it, and I could do it all day long. I have to admit, I have fun with it myself…forget the kids! I mean, “fart” is funny, don’t deny it.

Here are a couple examples of my many little diddies…they are quite the diverse playlist, actually…
  • Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance: They love that song, and know it well. So, I just swap out the line “caught in a bad romance” with “caught in a Jasmine dance.” Dopey, I know, but it makes us happy. She likes it and I like it. How can you argue with that?
  • Rupert Holmes’ Escape (The Pina Colada Song): A little swap out, instead of “if you like Pina Colada, gettin’ caught in the rain” I sing “if you like Jasmine Colada, and Breana Rae.” C’mon…give it to me…
  • Boston’s More Than Feeling: Swap out “more than a feeling, more than a feeling” with “more than a Jasmine, more than a Breana.”
  • Theme of SpongeBob SquarePants: “who live in a pineappy under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!” becomes “who lives in a poopapple under the sea? SpongePoop SquareStink!”
  • And many, many more…order now!

Perhaps I’ve shared too much.

                                                    

Friday, August 24, 2012

Annoying Kids Song Stuck In My Head Of The Minute

If you are a parent, or sometimes act like one, you know exactly what I speaketh of. Can you relate: Your kids are on nickjr.com tooling around like a champ, or they’re vegging out watching the tube and those songs come on. You know the ones. The ones that are so irksome and annoying at first blush, but 20 minutes later is repeating in your head like the latest Lady Gaga song. It’s frustrating at first, but then you learn to embrace it. I even create my own versions of the songs, mostly to entertain myself and stretch my awesome song writing ability, but also to annoy my daughter just a little bit. Don’t fight it, just ride the wave, baby.

I have to also admit, I love the songs and the shows on Nick Jr. (formerly Noggin). They are kinda fun and generally teach good lessons. Try to impart some morals, it seems.

Without further adieu:

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy Intro Theme Song
Lyrics: Bob Boyle / Music: b. Mossman

Wubbzy: Wow! Wow! Everyone! My name is Wubbzy!

Wubbzy lives in a tree. He likes to play! Play! Play!
He’s got a bendy tail
And he likes it that way!

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!
Wubbzy! Wubbzy! Wow! Wow!

Widget is his friend
She likes to build
She hammers and she saws
And her toolbox is filled

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!
Wubbzy! Wubbzy! Wow! Wow!

Walden is their friend
He’s really smart
He knows about science
And books and art

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!
Wubbzy! Wubbzy! Wow! Wow!

Wubbzy and Widget and Walden are friends

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!
Wubbzy! Wubbzy! Wow! Wow!

And when they are together the fun never ends

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!
Wubbzy! Wubbzy! Wow! Wow!

Wow! Wow!

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Realize And Be Thankful For What You Have

                                              
I am in a pretty good spot in life. I have all of my basic human needs taken care of, in spades. I want for nothing that a human really needs. I also, truly, don’t really want for many Earthly possessions. I have a fine home, cars that work, food to eat, and a family that I love (and loves me back). I’m not really sure what I could need more. Outside of loving to eat out, I’m not one to splurge on things.
I think you have to let yourself accept these facts. Maybe you don’t have everything you need, many people do suffer for sure. This is not about them. They have their own challenges they have to deal with and I wish them nothing but the best. But if you are not, truly suffering, than perhaps you just need to force yourself to take a deep breath, step back, and understand how lucky you really are. I try to do this more regularly, to really understand and be thankful for what God has given me.
When I feel like I am going to get angry at the kids, I try my best not to (this is not always a winning proposition, but I digress). When I am annoyed at my Ex, I try my best to get over it (again, not always a winner). I don’t care that the neighbor got a new BMW, but rather, I am quite happy for him…he works his butt off and is a good man. I do not begrudge anyone anything that they have worked for and gotten (outside of immoral or illegal means, of course), who am I to do that? I have no desire to.
I think today there are many people that just have so much that they forget that none of this is a right, none of this is guaranteed. It could all be taken away at a moment’s notice. Enjoy your days, enjoy your family, enjoy your lives. Don’t worry about what others may have and what other things you may want. Hopefully it will come in time. If it does not, what can you do? That’s life. No, I am not saying this in a condescending or somber tone…I am quite happy actually. I just wanted to put that out there. There’s a lot to be happy for. You just need to stop and smell the roses as many times as you can.

Monday, August 20, 2012

That’s My Girl!

Jasmine was her chatty self after school today, but made me a proud (and giggling) daddy! Here’s how part of our conversation went…

Jasmine: This boy, Tommy*, came up to me today and said, “Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?”

Me: And, wha….

Jasmine: Oh, I said, “Ew, no! You realize we’re only in 3rd grade, right?”

Good girl
*The poor boy’s name was changed, so Jasmine's friends don’t find him at school tomorrow… He really doesn’t need further humiliation!


          

Friday, August 17, 2012

Through Her Eyes: Take a risk!

Through Her Eyes: Take a risk!: Now more than ever I feel so intrigued and alive! The past few years I've had what I wouldn't call dreams, but thoughts. Thoughts of taking ...

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Can A Dad Take His Daughter Clothes Shopping (and Other Indignities of Modern Dadhood)

I'm on a rant about fathers who are treated as second-class parents.

The other day was filing out some paperwork and got to the bottom of one of the pages and saw the picture above.

To say I was offended would be a huge understatement. I’ve had full custody of my daughter for almost 5 years and to see “NAME OF NONCUSTODIAL PARENT/ALLEGED FATHER” was like a kick in the sack.

I hate to sound like an old lady but “How dare they assume that the noncustodial parent is the dad?”
Are there way more noncustodial fathers than mothers? Absolutely, but to automatically assume the father said “Peace out” to his responsibility is bullshit.

I was working on a post called Oscar Mayer Is Full of B-O-L-O-G-N-A but now that I’m in full rant mode I see how the paperwork and a company that runs commercials portraying men as idiots are both drinking the Bad Dad Kool-Aid.
I’m sure you’ve seen the commercials. The dad is portrayed as simultaneously whipped and also a complete idiot.

If you want to see for yourself take a peek at the thirty-second commercial below.

                                               

As you can see from the picture and video, modern day dads don’t have a lot of street cred. That’s sad. And they get stereotyped all the time.

I was once in K-Mart (a store I will NEVER go back to) and my then seven-year-old daughter was trying on some clothes. The lady running the dressing rooms gave me the “Why are you bringing your daughter to buy clothes?” look and I proceeded to ignore her.

About three minutes in I heard my Drama Princess shouting that she was lost in her turtleneck and needed some help.
I looked at the gatekeeper and began to ask if I could go help my daughter when she said, “No men are allowed in the women’s dressing rooms.”

“OK,” I replied. Can you go help her?”

“You should have her mother take her to buy clothes,” the woman said with a straight face.
Meanwhile my daughter was ignoring my request to stop trying to find a way out of the sweater and just wait for help to come. I know this because she shouted; “Now I’m more stuck than I was stuck before.”

Lovely.

As politely as I could I asked the woman to call a store manager. When he finally came out he was even worse then the woman.
“It’s not appropriate for you to take her clothes shopping,” said the guy who was barely old enough to drink legally. “Her mother should be doing it.”
That was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Let the rant begin.

“First off,” I said in a voice that was loud enough that the people over in electronics probably heard me.

“Her mother isn’t around. I have full custody of my daughter and I take care of her.”
I should probably tell you that I was easily five inches taller than the Assistant Manager and I was playing Handball a couple of times a week. Also I was playing the intimidation card.

“Don’t you ever,” I said while glaring into his eyes. “And I mean never tell a dad he can’t take his daughter shopping. Who the hell are you to tell me how to raise my daughter?”
At this point a female customer came over and asked me if she could go help Her Majesty navigate her way out of a turtleneck.

I happily accepted her offer and moments later my daughter appeared. As soon as she did the manager grew a pair.

“I’m going to ask you both to leave the store,” he said. “And ask that you don’t come back. You should be happy I don’t call the police.”

At that point I got livid and whipped out my cell phone.

“You want me to call them for you?” I asked. “Because I smell a cop giving you a verbal beating for being a dumbass. Or maybe I should call your district manager and tell them that you’re kicking a guy out of your store for taking his daughter clothes shopping.”

The guy was visibly shaken by my reaction. He assumed his nametag gave him ultimate authority but he was wrong.

“Listen up slick,” I quietly said as I stuck out my hand.

“This is my business card. It has my name, phone number and e-mail. Go ahead and give it to the police or whoever you want. I would love to talk with someone about this.”

I then took my daughter’s hand and proceeded to walk out of the store. Looking back at the manager and small crowd of employees I said, “And don’t worry about us coming back to this K-Mart or any other.”

That was the most colorful encounter but it’s not the only one. When I take my daughter to places like Forever 21 I get the “You’re a pervert and are standing outside the dressing rooms to get a peek,” glance.

I’m not kidding. Women waiting for their daughters or friends eye me and on my daughter’s birthday an employee of Forever 21 asked her manager to come find out why I was standing there.

“My daughter is in the dressing room,” I explained. “Is that a problem? Because if it is we can easily go to other stores in the mall.”

The manager apologized and one mom standing around there gave me a fist bump.

The reason I’m telling you these real-life stories is to illustrate how dads are perceived. I sometimes think that people don’t know fiction from non-fiction.

Is Phil Dunphy, the bumbling dad from Modern Family, an idiot?
Yep.

Phil Dunphy is a character. He’s fictional and he’s there to entertain us. I laugh my ass off at the dumb stuff he does but I know that (most) dads aren’t anything like that.

Disney Channel and Nickelodeon are famous for portraying dads as clueless, whipped and as someone who brings home bacon but has no say in anything else.
Kids see this night after night and I truly believe it sends a message that dads are a step below a mom.

What can we do to convince society that dads aren’t bumbling, whipped idiots?
My best advice is to make people aware of communities such as Good Men Project and to encourage others to read the stories from literally hundreds of men who are sharing their tales of being good dads and good men.

Maybe Oscar Mayer executives, Forever 21 managers and K-Mart assistant managers should be required to do an hour of Good Men Project reading every day.

That would definitely show that most dads don’t build tree houses that fall down immediately after building it. It would also show that men aren’t whipped, perverts or second-class parents.

With the exception of my mom and dad when I was a kid I don’t think I’ve ever asked, “Can I” continue to do whatever I was doing.

“Do you mind if I stay out a bit longer or do you need me to come home for something?” is how you ask.

It shows that you have respect for the other person’s feelings and needs while expressing your desire to keep eating fried chicken and waffles with your friends at 10:30 PM.

If you say, “Can I?” You might as well pay your part of the check because you’re going home.

I know this rant went off on several tangents and it might seem a little disjointed but there is a point to all this.

As men and as dads we need to clean up our reputation and change the stereotype. We need to show people that we can take care of our kids and that we can think for ourselves.

Yeah we need our spouse/partner/significant other to keep us from doing dumb stuff (like Facebook friending the babysitter or quitting your job to start a blog) but to portray us as unable to make decisions without the blessing of mom and to assume that the man is always the noncustodial parent is wrong.

I love this quote from Thomas J. Watson, the CEO of IBM from 1914-1956.
"But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good."

Don’t let the stereotypes of dads and men keep you down. Let people know there are plenty of good dads in their city and their neighborhood. Show the doubters and non-believers that good men are everywhere, they just have to open their eyes and look around.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

50 Rules for Dads of Daughters


1. Love her mom. Treat her mother with respect, honor, and a big heaping spoonful of public displays of affection. When she grows up, the odds are good she’ll fall in love with and marry someone who treats her much like you treated her mother. Good or bad, that’s just the way it is. I’d prefer good.

2. Always be there. Quality time doesn’t happen without quantity time. Hang out together for no other reason than just to be in each other’s presence. Be genuinely interested in the things that interest her. She needs her dad to be involved in her life at every stage. Don’t just sit idly by while she add years to her… add life to her years.


3. Save the day. She’ll grow up looking for a hero. It might as well be you. She’ll need you to come through for her over and over again throughout her life. Rise to the occasion. Red cape and blue tights optional.


4. Savor every moment you have together. Today she’s crawling around the house in diapers, tomorrow you’re handing her the keys to the car, and before you know it, you’re walking her down the aisle. Some day soon, hanging out with her old man won’t be the bees knees anymore. Life happens pretty fast. You better cherish it while you can.

5. Pray for her. Regularly. Passionately. Continually.


6. Buy her a glove and teach her to throw a baseball. Make her proud to throw like a girl… a girl with a wicked slider.


7. She will fight with her mother. Choose sides wisely.


8. Go ahead. Buy her those pearls.

9. Of course you look silly playing peek-a-boo. You should play anyway.


10. Enjoy the wonder of bath time.

11. There will come a day when she asks for a puppy. Don’t over think it. At least one time in her life, just say, “Yes.”

12. It’s never too early to start teaching her about money. She will still probably suck you dry as a teenager… and on her wedding day.


13. Make pancakes in the shape of her age for breakfast on her birthday. In a pinch, donuts with pink sprinkles and a candle will suffice.


14. Buy her a pair of Chucks as soon as she starts walking. She won’t always want to wear matching shoes with her old man.


Photo Credit :: Danielle Rocke Toews

15. Dance with her. Start when she’s a little girl or even when she’s a baby. Don’t wait ‘til her wedding day.


16. Take her fishing. She will probably squirm more than the worm on your hook. That’s OK.

17. Learn to say no. She may pitch a fit today, but someday you’ll both be glad you stuck to your guns.

18. Tell her she’s beautiful. Say it over and over again. Someday an animated movie or “beauty” magazine will try to convince her otherwise.


19. Teach her to change a flat. A tire without air need not be a major panic inducing event in her life. She’ll still call you crying the first time it happens.


20. Take her camping. Immerse her in the great outdoors. Watch her eyes fill with wonder the first time she sees the beauty of wide open spaces. Leave the iPod at home.


21. Let her hold the wheel. She will always remember when daddy let her drive.

22. She’s as smart as any boy. Make sure she knows that.

23. When she learns to give kisses, she will want to plant them all over your face. Encourage this practice.


24. Knowing how to eat sunflower seeds correctly will not help her get into a good college. Teach her anyway.

25. Letting her ride on your shoulders is pure magic. Do it now while you have a strong back and she’s still tiny.


26. It is in her nature to make music. It’s up to you to introduce her to the joy of socks on a wooden floor.


27. If there’s a splash park near your home, take her there often. She will be drawn to the water like a duck to a puddle.


28. She will eagerly await your return home from work in the evenings. Don’t be late.


29. If her mom enrolls her in swim lessons, make sure you get in the pool too. Don’t be intimidated if there are no other dads there. It’s their loss.

30. Never miss her birthday. In ten years she won’t remember the present you gave her. She will remember if you weren’t there.


31. Teach her to roller skate. Watch her confidence soar.


32. Let her roll around in the grass. It’s good for her soul. It’s not bad for yours either.

33. Take her swimsuit shopping. Don’t be afraid to veto some of her choices, but resist the urge to buy her full-body beach pajamas.

34. Somewhere between the time she turns three and her sixth birthday, the odds are good that she will ask you to marry her. Let her down gently.


35. She’ll probably want to crawl in bed with you after a nightmare. This is a good thing.


36. Few things in life are more comforting to a crying little girl than her father’s hand. Never forget this.

37. Introduce her to the swings at your local park. She’ll squeal for you to push her higher and faster. Her definition of “higher and faster” is probably not the same as yours. Keep that in mind.

38. When she’s a bit older, your definition of higher and faster will be a lot closer to hers. When that day comes, go ahead… give it all you’ve got.


39. Holding her upside down by the legs while she giggles and screams uncontrollably is great for your biceps. WARNING: She has no concept of muscle fatigue.

40. She might ask you to buy her a pony on her birthday. Unless you live on a farm, do not buy her a pony on her birthday. It’s OK to rent one though.

41. Take it easy on the presents for her birthday and Christmas. Instead, give her the gift of experiences you can share together.


42. Let her know she can always come home. No matter what.


43. Remember, just like a butterfly, she too will spread her wings and fly some day. Enjoy her caterpillar years.

44. Write her a handwritten letter every year on her birthday. Give them to her when she goes off to college, becomes a mother herself, or when you think she needs them most.


45. Learn to trust her. Gradually give her more freedom as she gets older. She will rise to the expectations you set for her.

46. When in doubt, trust your heart. She already does.


47. When your teenage daughter is upset, learning when to engage and when to back off will add years to YOUR life. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

48. Ice cream covers over a multitude of sins. Know her favorite flavor.


49. This day is coming soon. There’s nothing you can do to be ready for it. The sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be.


50. Today she’s walking down the driveway to get on the school bus. Tomorrow she’s going off to college. Don’t blink.