The Problem With Music

1. It would take a lot of work to stop the world, and I can't see why a person would go to all that trouble just to melt with someone.

2. When Freddie Mercury sang, “Each morning I get up I die a little,” he was terribly vague. Given that he died at age 45, which means he woke up roughly 16,425 times, there has to be a precise unit of measurement for EXACTLY how much he died each morning. I’m not a math guy, but I feel like the song would be a lot more legitimate if Freddie sang, “Each morning I get up I die by approximately 0.00491 percent.”

3. Tom Petty, the Foo Fighters, and Pink Floyd each have songs about learning to fly but none of them says anything about how to land. Tom Petty says, “Comin’ down is the hardest thing,” which…you know…no SHIT, Tom.

4. “Where it began, I can’t begin to knowin’.” Neil, it’s a fine song and all but who the hell talks like that? I’ve been inclined (bop-bop-baaaah!) to believe Caroline thinks you’re a hick.

5. There is no such thing as “nine in the afternoon.”

6. I don’t know about whom The Black Crowes are singing in “She Talks To Angels,” but the notion that “she gives a smile when the pain comes” is patently absurd. It’s a wince, you idiots. People wince when they’re in pain. It’s the same as when babies wince when they have to fart and the deluded mommies and daddies thing the baby is smiling at them. Friggin’ dolts.

7. “Good morning, sun. I am a bird wearing a brown polyester shirt.” Good morning, Ben Folds. I am a psychiatrist wearing a neutral-colored sweater so as not to agitate my patients. I’d like you to come in and see me. It would seem that you could benefit from some chemical intervention.

8. Of course the landslide brought you down, Stevie. It’s a fucking landslide!

9. Mr. Young MC, sir, if that is indeed your real name, the challenge to “come on, fatso, and just bust a move” is both vague and incredibly insensitive. The more politically correct sentence would be, “so come on, portly gentleman, and just invite the attractive female to come to your home and loofah your stretchmarks.”

10. If I am to believe that she’s buying a stairway to heaven, I’d like to see her financial records. That thing would cost billions, guys, and unless she is obnoxiously wealthy, this whole project is a joke. Plus, think of all the permits she’d need.