When my nineteen-year-old daughter told me she had a boyfriend, I was thrilled. Not only for her, since dating is a normal part of growing up, but for me, too. That I was in the loop meant our father daughter relationship was healthy and strong. Right?
Not so fast. I hadn’t yet met her boyfriend.
At first, that didn’t bother me. After all, I’m a single dad on the dating scene, and I don’t introduce my daughter to every woman I meet. But some Dad’s House readers said a teen daughter thrives when her father shows an interest in her life. Great point!
I asked my daughter, her friends, and some of my girlfriends to give me hot tips for fathers with teen girls. Here’s what they said.
What a Dad Needs to Know About His Daughter
Sex – we all know collage kids think about sex, even the ones with purity rings. A dad should know his daughter’s attitude about sex. Where is she getting her sex education? If from girlfriends, is the sex knowledge good, or is she being misinformed? And of course, is she having sex? (Good luck on that one.)
I talked to my daughter about sex when she was a preteen, and we've had conversations since. When a father daughter sex talk is uncomfortable for either party, make sure she has someone to talk to – her mom, an aunt, an adult female friend. Someone you trust. A dad needs to know his daughter is getting accurate and appropriate information about sex.
Boys – how are they treating her? How is she treating them? To find out, you can talk to her, eavesdrop, monitor her Facebook page. Also, if she does co-ed activities like track, drama, or band, go watch! Just promise you won't do anything that mortifies her. (I quote my daughter on that.)
Tampons – if you're a single dad, you might want to know where she keeps these. My daughter ran out once, and asked me to dash to the store on her behalf. Now I keep an eye on her supply, and help her stock up accordingly.
Beauty stuff – my daughter is beautiful, the apple of my eye. I compliment her daily. Still, teen girls are at an age when they may want to experiment with changing their look. Make-up, clothing, hair styles, nails. Even tom-boys might be curious.
For a dad to tell his daughter that she might want to change her hair or wear some make-up could send her a mixed message. Is she not good enough in his eyes? But, for a dad to accept that his daughter wants to experiment with her looks brings validation. Big difference. Just don't expect her to let you take her to the mall for beauty stuff. Better if she goes with a woman. I once sent my daughter on a clothes shopping spree with a buddy’s wife. It was a huge success.
Girlfriends, yours – a single dad’s daughter might want to know her father is dating, but she certainly doesn't need to hear every gory detail or sexy and funny story. She’s your daughter, not your confidante. My daughter said she doesn't want daily or weekly updates on my dating life, but if I've been seeing the same woman for a month, I should mention it.
Girlfriends, hers – don't tell your daughter that one of her girlfriends is hot. That’s creepy! Don't flirt with her girlfriends, either. (Moms shouldn't flirt with teen boys.) If you need a reminder on this one, go watch American Beauty. Enough said.
Details of her daily life – my daughter and her friends hate when a parent doesn't even know what classes they're enrolled in. If you ask about biology when she’s taking chemistry, you're clueless.
After school – where is your daughter hanging out? What’s she doing? If she says she’s working on homework with a friend, but then stays up all hours working on homework, maybe you're getting the runaround. Teen responsibility is something learned, and sometimes needs parental guidance.
What matters to her – a dad needs to know what his daughter thinks is important. Is she obsessed with saving animals? Fixated on boys? Can't get enough soccer? Whatever her passion, take an interest. Listen. Encourage her. Show up.
Some of my daughter’s friends have dads who have never attended one of her high school soccer games. That’s really sad. I know people are busy, but your daughter only grows up once. Make an effort to be present in her life, especially for something that’s important to her. Be a proud parent.
What she says – what your daughter says isn't necessarily what she means. According to my daughter: “you don't have to come” means she wants me to come, but is giving me an out if I can't make it. “Don't come!” means don't come. And “yes, come” means dammit, I better be there! Listen to her intonation, and hear what she means, not what she says.
Bottom line: A daughter wants to know (!) her father cares about her.
Now then, all you female readers who had dads, please weigh in with your corrections or validations! I'm learning this stuff as I go.
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