Losing Control

Several years into this thing, I think I am officially experiencing diabetes burnout — in the form of food rebellion, that is.  My numbers have been crap, and I am feeling disgusted with myself. Sound familiar, anyone?
Actually, it was Kelly K’s ‘food quirks’ post over at Diabetesalicousness that got me thinking, I ought to clear my conscience by airing the bold truth about what’s going on with me: I feel like I’m officially ‘losing it’ (and I don’t mean weight).
Unlike Kelly, who was diagnosed as a child and feels grateful for the freedom and flexibility that carb-counting has brought to her life, I feel enslaved by it. I noticed that gradually, over this year’s Holiday Season in particular, I’ve started throwing caution to the wind more and more often and indulging in carb-heavy foods I’ve rarely touched in the years since my diagnosis: crackers, granola, muffins, rice chips, tortilla chips, potato chips and various forms of rice. These items taste GOOD, and I missed them terribly! Do note that in my case, everything now has to be the special gluten-free variety, and having to deal with this incredibly fussy wheat allergy just makes me feel that much more entitled to eat something truly yummy now and then.
I am SO TIRED of watching people around me enjoy pancakes, cupcakes, French Fries, pasta — even something as supposedly healthful as crab cakes, which I can never order in restaurant as they are always doused in flour.  When is it my turn to enjoy yummy foods again? When I’m dead?
But on the flip side, I hate the payoff of enjoying these items: extra pounds (tighter pants) and glucose levels often well over 200. SHIT! It’s my own fault. I feel guilty and angry and unimaginably frustrated, but also somehow unable to stop myself, at least for the time being.
Add to the extra carb-punch the fact that I had a bad cold a few weeks ago, and developed an ear infection. They had me on antibiotics for 2 weeks. So you see, when diabetes things go wrong, they go wrong BIG. It’s Murphy's Law. Running really high today? Let’s take a wild-ass guess: it could be the infection, the antibiotic meds, that pack of chips you probably carb-counted wrong, or maybe even the fact that your throat’s getting sore today so there may be a cold coming on.
It’s a big fat guessing game, and I am tired of it. I suppose my current attitude is simply: Why try? I know that’s not sustainable; I’m struggling to ‘get it together’ again.  I hope y’all don’t mind my venting, but I figured it might do somebody some good out there to know that we PWDs (PEOPLE WITH DIABETES) are all riding the same roller coaster. {insert rebel yell!}