I never thought I would be a single dad at the age of 47. When I settled down in my late 20’s, I couldn’t imagine that almost 19 years later, I would be single again and “starting over.” I also never thought it would take me almost 2 years to come to grips with my new life… to snap out of it. After a little more than 2 years of sadness and stress, I finally realized that I was depressed, severely depressed. Even when I was in denial of the changes that were rapidly taking place in my life. At first it was hard to admit or even realize, that I had a problem that I just couldn’t shake. I think as a man, it was even harder to admit that I was depressed because it was very easy to hide. I needed to be that strong dad for my daughter. Yeah, I still laughed, made jokes etc, but deep down and behind the smiles, I was an insecure, crying desperate man that had no idea on how to cope with a new lifestyle. I just refused to realize that I no longer had a family. The life that I lived for 10+ years was no longer there. Even my friends and family were “over” my situation. I guess they figured that, “hey dude, it’s been 2 years, get over it.” But then again, these are my “happily married” friends that have NO IDEA about the pain I was dealing with. Part of me knew that this was the new reality, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake it. I no longer liked to the things that I enjoyed. Fishing, reading comics, playing poker… I had no interest whatsoever. Back in 2009, I went to my family doctor and told her what was going on and all she said was eat right and get more exercise. Well, I did that and my mind remained in a fog.
I tried several things to try and hide what was really going on with me and hide my depression, I went out and bought a motorcycle, labeling it as a midlife crisis. It was not a mid life crisis, it was one of my several lame attempts to fill something that was missing in my life. I also quit drinking. Even though I knew I was improving my health, quitting was like losing a friend. It sucked. Yet another wound that was slow healing. I joined a gym again and got my body back in shape. I felt better physically, but my mind still felt “off.” At that time, I didn’t even attempt to date because I knew at some point the conversation would turn to my own personal “doom and gloom.” I wasn’t ready for that.
The 2010 holidays were especially difficult. All I wanted to do was sleep. SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP. I’d drag myself out of bed everyday and just slump through the day. Dealing with my daughter was a challenge too. I could tell I was not that fun daddy that liked to play and joke around with my daughter. I felt so inadequate and helpless for days and months on end. My house was falling apart and even though I was working full time again, money was still a struggle. Right before Thanksgiving, some personal possessions were stolen from me. This sent me deeper and deeper into feeling hopeless and helpless. I was also started drinking a bit more that I should have been.
My claim to be a Dad Unmasked was clearly a farce. I was hiding BEHIND a mask, cowering in my own shame of being a failed boyfriend, a failure at life. I was a walking zombie. At times, I’d break down and start crying for no reason. Yes, I was a grown man, sobbing like a little girl, and I had no idea why. I knew something was really wrong so I finally sought professional help. I met with a therapist 2 times within a month and I was starting to feel a bit better about myself. I didn’t feel stressed, angry, lonely or anxious. I had those terrible feelings for so long that it felt strange that I was NOT feeling that way anymore. It’s like the weight of the world was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I felt strong again. I felt alive again. I’m not sure want happened. Maybe my body and mind were just tired of being sick and tired. I don’t know, but whatever happened, I’m glad that it did. It’s been about 1.5 months since the “weight” has been lifted and I feel great. I feel like me again.
I’m back. There is no denying who I am anymore and I am just fine with it. I am a single dad, a geek and a wannabe superhero. AND I believe I can fly… again.
I tried several things to try and hide what was really going on with me and hide my depression, I went out and bought a motorcycle, labeling it as a midlife crisis. It was not a mid life crisis, it was one of my several lame attempts to fill something that was missing in my life. I also quit drinking. Even though I knew I was improving my health, quitting was like losing a friend. It sucked. Yet another wound that was slow healing. I joined a gym again and got my body back in shape. I felt better physically, but my mind still felt “off.” At that time, I didn’t even attempt to date because I knew at some point the conversation would turn to my own personal “doom and gloom.” I wasn’t ready for that.
The 2010 holidays were especially difficult. All I wanted to do was sleep. SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP. I’d drag myself out of bed everyday and just slump through the day. Dealing with my daughter was a challenge too. I could tell I was not that fun daddy that liked to play and joke around with my daughter. I felt so inadequate and helpless for days and months on end. My house was falling apart and even though I was working full time again, money was still a struggle. Right before Thanksgiving, some personal possessions were stolen from me. This sent me deeper and deeper into feeling hopeless and helpless. I was also started drinking a bit more that I should have been.
My claim to be a Dad Unmasked was clearly a farce. I was hiding BEHIND a mask, cowering in my own shame of being a failed boyfriend, a failure at life. I was a walking zombie. At times, I’d break down and start crying for no reason. Yes, I was a grown man, sobbing like a little girl, and I had no idea why. I knew something was really wrong so I finally sought professional help. I met with a therapist 2 times within a month and I was starting to feel a bit better about myself. I didn’t feel stressed, angry, lonely or anxious. I had those terrible feelings for so long that it felt strange that I was NOT feeling that way anymore. It’s like the weight of the world was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I felt strong again. I felt alive again. I’m not sure want happened. Maybe my body and mind were just tired of being sick and tired. I don’t know, but whatever happened, I’m glad that it did. It’s been about 1.5 months since the “weight” has been lifted and I feel great. I feel like me again.
I’m back. There is no denying who I am anymore and I am just fine with it. I am a single dad, a geek and a wannabe superhero. AND I believe I can fly… again.
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